Zephaniah

I woke up. My body felt heavy, limp- I could barely turn over to my side. Eventually, I had managed to do so. I stared down at the blanket that was beside my bed, softy touching his hairs. My eyelids felt heavy, my mind hazy.

Glancing at the clock, I realised it was nearing eleven am, I didn't understand how I had slept so long. Quickly kicking the covers off me, I slipped on my pants, pulling a hoodie over my head after that; I forgot to walk him.

Rushing over towards the bathroom, I washed my face, stared at it for seconds long before making my way downstairs. Opening the right cabinet, I took out the dog food and filled the right bowl, picking up the other to empty it and fill it up with fresh water.

"Zeph?" I heard Baba's voice, I didn't answer. I had to walk Cooper, otherwise he'd urinate in the living room again. I didn't want it to happen, I needed to prevent it.

Staring at the bowls for a while, I nodded my head after a brief moment, knowing the thirst would come back once the walk had been done. Stepping into my shoes, I shrugged on my coat after that, reaching the doorknob.

Mama said something as well, I couldn't really make out what. I was in a rush, I needed to walk.

Closing the front door behind me, I tried to ignore the uneasy feelings that were present in my stomach. I didn't know if it were emotions, I didn't know if it was hunger, maybe something else. I didn't care, my mind was somewhere else, anyway.

I held the leash tightly and tried to look around me, yet my eyes would glue back to my shoes instead- it didn't matter. Cooper knew the way.

The Golden Retriever from number one hundred and seven barked, I gave him a small wave, feeling happy that Cooper was always only focused on me, and not on cats or dogs around him. I gave him a treat, but it fell onto the ground.

Staring at it for a while, I decided to walk further, crossing the small bridge. The man was mowing again, the sound of it screeching into my ears like nails on the chalkboard would. I shivered, I stood still to find the comfort. His soft, black nose pressed into my hands, I squeezed my eyes closed.

One, two, three, four, five.

He calmed me, I felt relieved. Continuing to walk, I stared at the uneven tiles that were on the ground. Some dull where the grey had vanished, some lightly decorated with the sand that glistened in the weak sunlight.

I crouched down, my finger sliding over the sand. I grimaced, thinking it had felt better before. Standing back up again, I gave him another treat, watching it fall to the ground. I tugged at the leash, continuing to walk.

The breeze was crisp, the sun didn't give away any warmth. I was mad at it, but at the same time I knew she couldn't help it. I apologised in my mind.

A plane crossed the sky, the sound loud in my ears. I flinched away, I searched for his warm and soft comfort. My hands stayed cold.

My phone vibrated, I ignored it, frowning because I didn't like it when my walk was disturbed, would they ever learn? I started tugging at the back of my head, plucking out some hair. He didn't stop me, why didn't he?

Tears welled up in my eyes, I was upset. "Coop." I whispered, staring at his soft, brown and warm eyes that truly calmed me down every time I looked into them. "Amsterdam was really.." I stopped, swallowing away the tears.

I continued walking. He followed me, as always. Stopping at the small farm, I watched as the farmer fed the pigs, the tiny babies screeching loudly, hurting my ears, once again. I frowned, wondering if they were okay.

The cat meowed, the birds chirped, the chickens cackled, the sheep bleated. He used the broom, the scraping over the tiles sending shivers down my spine, my perfectionism and autism frustrated when he left several plucks of hay behind.

"Doesn't he- he see, Coop?" I frowned, swallowing a little.

"Zephaniah!" He smiled, dragging me back to reality.

I walked away, not being able to talk. I swallowed again, tears welling up in my eyes. I walked quicker and quicker, the farmer following me. I started jogging- he started running. I ran and ran and ran, until I had arrived at the grassland Cooper and I used to play and cuddle on.

Emotions got ahead of me, they broke me. I was afraid, I became anxious. More treats I snatched out of my pocket, only for them to fall onto the grass right away. "Eat them, eat them, please." I begged, the tears coming up again.

"Eat them!" I screamed, throwing around more treats. "You loved them! You loved- you loved them.. you loved them.."

My hands flew to my face, I started crying, hard. I threw the leash on the ground as hard as I could, kicking my legs in pure frustration, in sheer helplessness. It wasn't enough, the pain suffocated me- anxiety crept up.

I smacked the back of my head against the ground, several times. I didn't stop, I kept going until I became dizzy. I screamed harder, I screamed louder, stuffing my fingers into my ear. I couldn't stop crying, and when I tried to open my eyes- I could only see something so unfamiliar.

This was not the grassland Cooper and I used to be on. I hadn't crossed the farm. The farmer hadn't followed me. I didn't wave at the Golden Retriever, I hadn't crossed the bridge Cooper and I would always cross.

I was lost.

Cooper wasn't beside me. Cooper was dead.

I couldn't breathe anymore, I was too anxious to do so. I gasped for air, but my lungs wouldn't fill. I cried harder, my whole body was shaking and shocking every time a sob left my mouth. I screamed, I needed help, but nobody could help me.

Wanting to reach for my phone, I watched my cramped fingers trying to reach for my pocket, but it didn't work. "Please, please, help- help me, please!" Fear took over me, I was lost. Cooper wasn't here. Cooper wasn't here. Cooper wasn't here.

"Coop! Coop!" I screamed, looking up at the sky.

My fingers shook like crazy, my phone fell out of my pocket. I pressed onto the button five times, it started calling Dad. I slipped away, the fear taking over fully now. I screamed, I cried, I fought, I died.

"Zeph, I'm here, you're with me now. Wake up, sweet boy." The soothing voice of my father brought me back to earth. His arms were tightly wrapped around me, swinging me from left to right. "Wake up, sweet boy."

I cuddled closer, resting my head onto his chest. I started crying, softly this time. Hums were heard, tears slipped down, but I was calm. Baba kept swinging me, starting to sing a soft song, the one he wrote for me when I was little- the one he used to sing when I had an anxiety attack, when I was afraid, when I was sad, or when I felt lonely.

Baba brushed my tears away with his soft thumbs, kissing my head in between the lines he was singing. His beautiful voice soothed me, lightly softened the pain in my heart.

Turning my body to him, I wrapped my arms around his neck instead, resting my chin onto his shoulder. I continued to cry quietly, not being able to express my emotions into words. I hoped he understood, but I had the feeling he did.

He wrapped his arms around my back, not being able to stop kissing my face. No words were exchanged, it needed to be this way. I was so overwhelmed, I wasn't able to communicate, in any way, at this very moment.

"I'm so sorry, Zephaniah. I'm so, so sorry." He said, his voice soft but above a whisper. I didn't like it when people whispered into my ear- he knew that. "I can only imagine.."

Daddy pulled away, my teeth chattered as I stared into the distance. He wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and pressed something warm into my hands. I didn't look down, I kept staring into the distance, not being able to do differently.

"Can you see me, Zeph?" He questioned, I wasn't sure what the words meant at this very moment. I needed him to sing for me, needed him to hold me.

He brought the warmth up to my lips- out of nowhere, I realised it was a mug. Parting my lips, I swallowed down some of the warmth, tasting the chocolate milk. It stopped my shivering, not my staring.

The grass seemed endlessly, just like the storm that raged inside me. It was unpredictable, it was long, it was unknown. I had no control over it- it terrified me. I needed it to stop, but it wouldn't.

I started crying again, no sounds where heard. Dad wrapped his arms around me again, holding me tight. I relaxed in his embrace, closing my eyes when he started singing again. Pressing my ear against his chest, I felt and heard how it vibrated lightly every time his deep, soothing voice would be used.

We sat like that for what felt like ages. I almost fell asleep, Baba was so comforting.

Eventually, he pulled away and stood up, slowly. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw how he stretched out his hand to me. For the first time ever since he had picked me up from the trip, I glanced into his eyes for a brief moment, seeing so much emotion, but not exactly knowing which ones.

I accepted his hand, he pulled me up. Our hands stayed connected for as long as it took us to return to the car. For a moment, I panicked, frantically looking around me. "The leash." I whimpered, knowing there was no way I would ever find it again.

Dad brushed material over my wrist, it felt exactly like the leash. "I got your back, Zephaniah. No matter what situation you're in." It was the leash.

I held it tightly, slowly getting inside the car. Dad put on some soft, instrumental music. It hit me in my feelings, several things popping up. Haven and Cooper the most hurtful ones.

He gave me sandwiches that were wrapped up. I could smell the grilled chicken. It felt safe, it was something that belonged to me, just like the chocolate milk. Wasn't that sad, that I found safety in such things now that Cooper was gone.

I took a few bites, realising I hadn't eaten after breakfast at the guest house. I hadn't been able to swallow down the dinner on the ferry, I was too upset and sad about Haven. The grilled chicken made my mouth water even more, my stomach grumbled.

Dad didn't drive, but he didn't talk either. I could feel his gaze on me the entire time I was eating away the sandwiches. When I had finished them, he poured some hot chocolate out of the thermos flask into the mug.

He handed me the mug, I instantly brought it up to my lips, swallowing down the sweet and warm drink. Baba kept refilling the mug, until the thermos flask was empty. He rummaged through his backpack, handing me a small box that was stuffed full with cookies.

Dad had already separated the chocolate chips and the baked dough. I started crying again.

"Do you want to talk?" Dad's voice was hoarse, I wondered if he had cried, too. I didn't want to think about it, it hurt me so much. Dad's sadness was my sadness. His pain was my pain. "Are you able to talk?"

I didn't answer, I couldn't answer. My fingers fidgeted with the leash, I retrieved more treats and laid them all out onto my trousers, counting them. Twenty five. I could have given him twenty five more treats.

That wasn't true, I could recall I had thrown away many treats in the grass. On the streets, when I was giving them to him, except- he wasn't there. Only in my imagination.

I collected all of the treats into my left hand, bringing them up to my nose. The smell was comforting, the smell reminded me of Cooper, who had loved these treats in all those eleven years I got to call him my best friend.

Dad stroked my cheeks, he wanted contact. I glanced into his eyes for a second or two, them averting back to my lap after that. "Are you able to talk about it?"

Stuffing the treats back into the pocket of my jacket, I briefly shook my head, staring down at my lap.

"That's okay." Dad gave me a soft smile, pressing a kiss to my cheek. "Do you want me to draw you a warm bath when we're home? They used to help you feel calm when you were little."

I nodded. There was no structure in my day anymore. I didn't care what time it was, I didn't care when I would take a bath or shower. I just wanted to be with Mum and Dad.

Baba started the car, we drove off not much later. He didn't say anything, I knew he did that for me. I didn't think I deserved him. I silently ate the baked dough of the chocolate chip cookie, the chocolate chips after that. Arriving minutes later, I realised I hadn't been too far away from home, but my anxiety didn't tell me that.

I felt ashamed, I was aware of the situation, but I was too sad, too tired to mention anything about it. Mum hugged me tight when we stepped inside our house again. "Zeph, sweetheart.."

Resting my head in the crook of her neck, I got comfortable standing there, enjoying her warm and loving embrace. "Come, Dad is drawing a bath." She said, quietly, her lips pressing against my cheekbone.

I followed her silently, entering the bathroom. Mum and Dad left me alone, I kept the door open, I was afraid. Undressing myself, I sunk into the warm, soapy, water, letting out a shaky breath.

Tiredly staring at the tiny soap bubbles, I got lost into them, Haven and Cooper flashing through my mind. I pinched my nose and pushed my face underwater, hearing the beating of my own heart.

I had lost both of my best friends. Why did this heart still beat?

~~~

I feel so bad for Zeph.. do you think he will be able to process Cooper's death well?

Do you think he will search for contact with Haven, or this is the end of their friendship?

Zayn taking care of his son this way?

Let me know your thoughts ❤️ everything is much appreciated x