Zephaniah

Taking off my numbing headphones, relief washed over me when I saw the familiar silhouette that belonged to Dad, my solidarity. I watched Haven leave the bus, but looked away when she turned her face to me.

I knew I hurt her, and I couldn't bear it myself. It had given me a huge stomach ache, this stinging pain in my chest that hadn't left ever since I saw her crying. It had hit me, deeply, but I was so lost at the moment, that I simply didn't know what to do, or say. Everything was stuck in my mind at this very moment; words, emotions, feelings.

Tears welled up in my eyes, but I quickly blinked them away, focusing on my father instead. Once everybody who had been seated behind me, had left the bus, I stood up and made my way out as well, wanting to be in Baba's loving presence as quickly as possible.

I was anxious, William had forced me to put my suitcase in the luggage space of the bus. It went against me, it had given me anxiety the whole journey. What if somebody had taken it away, or what if somebody had taken stuff out of it? Swallowing, I watched as someone unloaded the area, sighing in relief when I saw mine, the tiny, yellow label with my name on it confirming that.

Quickly snatching it away, my heart fluttered in nerves yet excitement when I turned around. I couldn't wait to see my parents, to see my best friend. I had to tell him so much, I was afraid I would talk his ears off. Not that it could happen, truly. I bit my upper lip, trying not to smile at the sight of it in my mind.

Reality came back when I glanced Haven. I was nauseous because of the sadness.

"Zeph!" Baba's voice made me look up a certain direction, my heavy heart feeling warm. I didn't say anything, I simply let him hug me for a long moment, closing my eyes in the moment. "I missed you so much, my boy. How was it? It was so quiet at home."

"As if- as if I talk much at home." I hummed a little, my eyes squinting as I stared down at my feet. "Notebook, Baba."

"Just because you're not always that talkative doesn't mean your presence goes unnoticed, Zeph. Never. I can't wait to read your notebook." He answered, knowing I meant to say that he could read everything in there, and didn't feel like talking right now. He had come up with it after the Scotland trip, when my grandparents asked how it had been. I had struggled so much with wording the activities, my mind was bursting with information and Dad knew I wrote little stories so now and then about the things Cooper and I had done. It had also been a way for me to empty some of the business in my mind onto paper.

Cooper. Looking up, my heart fluttered wildly- I had missed his affection so much, but I didn't see him.

"Where's Cooper?" I asked, hopeful, my hands flapping in proper excitement.

Dad looked away, his eyes seemed tired. He was quiet for an awfully long time, I felt sicker.

"Where's Coop, Daddy?" I repeated, watching him as he unlocked the car. His eyes glistened, my heart jumped. Baba stared down, swallowing thickly before he looked back at me, stepping closer.

"Zeph.." He shrugged, looking away. "Let's get inside the car first, okay?"

Opening the door, I sat down quickly, my lip quivering because every sense in my body was tense- anxious, cautious in a way. The atmosphere was strange, something bad had happened. "Baba, where's Coop." I couldn't hold back the tears anymore, realising what was about to get thrown at me.

"He's alive, Zeph. He's still alive but he's become so sick.." Dad swallowed, starting the car. "I wanted to take you home first to rest a bit and then we could go to the vet because-"

"Where's Cooper, Baba, please. Is he- is he at home?" Furrowing my eyebrows, I tried to figure out what Dad's expression meant, but my autism wouldn't let me. It frustrated me, I kicked the glove compartment, not knowing how else to express it.

"Cooper is at the vet, Zeph. But Mum really wanted to-"

My hands flapped roughly, I started shaking my head, the no's coming out of my mouth repeatedly. "Is he going to- going to die?" I choked out, roughly tugging at my hair. I pulled out a strand, shivering when it fell onto the sensitive skin of my hand. It hurt me, physically, but I didn't care at this point. The pain in my mind and heart were much greater.

"Don't hurt yourself, Zephaniah." Baba's voice sounded sad, but my mind twirled and twirled. The same, familiar circles appearing as to when I'd have a seizure. Going through the tunnel of overstimulation all over again- nobody being able to help me get through it faster- or to not go through it at all.

I stopped tugging at my hair, but dug my nails into my skin instead, watching how it bled after a brief moment.

"Zephaniah." Baba's voice sounded louder, his hands held mine so tenderly that I bursted out into crying even louder and harder, I could barely breathe. Saliva leaked from my mouth, but I couldn't hold it back. Everything dripped down onto my jeans, I couldn't stop anymore. "What do you want, Zephaniah? Do you want to go to the vet? I can call Mum and she-"

I couldn't answer, I couldn't react in any way. I was out of control, but it wasn't a proper meltdown either. I was stuck. Stuck in the tunnel, stuck in emotions, stuck in words. I needed Cooper, I needed Cooper so bad after this trip, he couldn't leave me. Never, but if he had to- not now. Not now I needed him the most.

"Zeph, you're okay." His tight arms were wrapped around me, I felt safe. He squeezed tighter, I tried to breathe again. "I'll call Mum and we'll go to the vet, okay? You need your friend." His voice was thick with emotions. I was sure I was going to lose Cooper tonight. Thirteen. Thirteen. He was supposed to turn thirteen.

"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen.." I kept repeating, dough, tomato sauce, mozzarella and basil being thrown into my mind- piling up and building the pizza head.

Dad wiped my eyes, nose and mouth with his sleeve, cupping my cheeks with his big and warms hands. He tried to look into my eyes, but I avoided them, feeling overwhelmed. "Hey, sweet boy. Come here." Our cheeks collided, so did our tears. I couldn't stop crying, but Dad collected himself after a while and drove off, tightly holding onto my hand.

Slipping into another daze, I faintly recalled he called Mum and she would be on her way so she could see me. It was moments later when the car door opened and somebody woke me from my mind, making me look up in confusion.

"Zeph." It was mum, I squeezed her into the tightest hug, wanting to feel her even when I was so sensitive. Perhaps, I just wanted to feel different pain- the sensitivity of my skin at this very moment. "I missed you so much, sweetheart. I'm so.." She swallowed as well, shaking her head.

I looked at her in suspense, wondering what she wanted to say, but she kept her mouth shut. "Let's find Coop, yeah?"

Stepping out of the car completely, I tried standing still for a moment as my eyes lingered onto the flickering sign of the vet. Blinking my eyes a little faster, I dried my tears and mouth, walking over towards the main entrance. My hands flapped roughly, it hurt my muscles but I couldn't stop it. I hummed a little song, but even my own voice was a screeching noise in my ears at this point.

The vet was closed, I wondered how we got in. The familiar man stared at me, I looked down at my feet. My stomach hurt so awfully much that I could throw up right there, probably all over his feet.

"Want to see Cooper, bud?" He questioned, I didn't answer- I couldn't answer. How could I think of words, now that my mind was raging like the ocean water in a rough storm? Dad exchanged some words with him, I couldn't recall what they were saying.

The only thing that woke me up from my daze was when I met these soft, warm, loving and brown eyes of his. I broke down again, I ran over to my dog that was helplessly laying onto the counter where the vet checked upon his patients. My mind was only focused on him now.

"Cooper, Coop I missed you so much. Did you miss me, what's wrong?" I blinked my eyes, wanting a clear view of him but the tears ruined it for me. It frustrated me, I fisted my eyes. Cooper wiggled his tail, he squinted his eyes, but he didn't bark, nor stood up to greet me enthusiastically. He tried to lick me, I leaned in to his warmth.

"Cooper." My lip quivered again, I helplessly stared at him, my tears rolling down my cheeks rapidly. "Cooper, no, please. I need you- you so much. Don't leave me here on this shit earth."

Cooper licked my cheek, something he did to comfort me. I wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my face into his soft and warm hairs, trying to calm myself down a little. His slow heartbeat was the only thing I heard for moments long, I got lost in the moment. I stared at his collar, the autism and seizure assistance dog words hitting me so suddenly.

"Cooper, no, how can I- can I live without you? I cannot- I can't, who's going to help me when I have a seizure, Coop, please." My voice cracked, the tears dripped onto the floor. "Are you in pain, Coop."

Cooper kept looking at me. He sniffed, his eyes squinted lightly. I covered my face, Cooper tried to poke my stomach with his paw, but he was in pain, anyone could tell. Taking a step back, I allowed myself to stare at my beautiful dog, my nausea becoming even worse when I saw how swollen his stomach was, how dull he looked, how much in pain he actually looked. It startled me- he suddenly looked so different.

I started flapping my hands, started crying so hard that it was quiet. If only I could've fought against the sickness that had made him this way- I would've done it in a heartbeat. My jaws hurt, my face hurt from crying, Cooper whined and moved his head- motioning for me to come closer to him. I did- he comforted me even when I was the one who should have supported him at that very moment.

"Coop.." I shook my head. The vet and my parents stepped inside the room. Mum was crying, was she sad about Cooper? The vet gave me a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry, Zephaniah. I truly wished I could've helped him but.. the cancer spread everywhere. He's had some seizures- it's in his brain."

"You had- had seizures?" I stared at Cooper. I felt so bad, so extremely bad. My nausea becoming even worse. "You always helped me with seizures and- and I didn't help you, I am sorry, Coop I would have laid a pillow on the floor for you like you did for me." I rested my head onto his neck, staring at his eyes. Cooper opened his mouth, breathing loudly, his tongue hanging out. It calmed me, it was as if he said it was okay. I felt closer to him. He knew what a seizure was like now- our bond would become even stronger if that was even possible.

"Are you ready?" The vet questioned, I looked up in confusion.

I didn't answer, only glanced at him. I didn't want to talk, I only wanted to spill my mind to Cooper.

"We need to put him down, Zephaniah. He's in a lot of pain. Soon or later, he'll die because of the cancer that has gotten inside his brain, but it's better for him to do it now, so his pain will finally be over." He elaborated, my world stopped. The vet looked sad, but I didn't know if I interpreted his expression the right why. If he loved my Coop, why would he put him down.

I stood still for moments long- a shutdown took over me. I didn't react, I didn't respond, one thought only flying through my head.

Cooper will die, Cooper will die, Cooper will die, Cooper will die.

Moments later, I got out of it, noticing that Dad was stroking my cheeks in order to get me back to reality. "Zeph, do you want another moment with him alone, before the vet will give him the injection?"

"Leave me alone." I started crying again, I pushed him away from me. I watched how the three of them left me alone, I turned my attention back to Cooper.

Wrapping my arms around him, I used all of my strength to lift him up in a way that I wouldn't hurt his stomach. He squeaked in pain, I wanted to hurt myself because of that. Once he was on the floor, I lied down beside him, staring into his eyes.

"Coop.." I stroked his head softly, staring into his soft eyes that had always, always calmed me, while trying to stop crying, for the sake of him. Thank you. For everything. From helping me feel comfortable when my autism wouldn't. For helping me talk when my mind would shut everything down. For helping me with a panic attack or when I would hurt myself or when I had trouble making friends. Thank you for listening to me always. Thank you for coming to my birthday when I turned eight, for not judging me and always loving me thank you for making me who I am today.

I thought, the words not being able to leave my lips. I desperately looked at him, rapidly fiddling with his ears. He would know what I meant to say, he had always known.

"I can't live without you, Coop. Can I die too, please? Take me with you. I don't want to be here anymore. Not without you." I cried harder, Cooper softly poked my face with his paw, his soft gaze never leaving my face. "Please, I want to die."

Cooper licked my face, taking away the salty tears that kept seeping all over my face now that I was lying down. I kissed his head, multiple times. I could see how the pain was taking over him. I knew we had no choice. Cooper had always chosen me, had always wanted the best for me. I needed to do what was best for him now.

"I love you. I love you. I love you." I repeated, tugging at my hair. Cooper stopped me, stuffing his nose into the crook of my neck. I hugged him closer, we were one. "Sorry, Coop. I am so- so sorry, Coop, okay."

Cooper licked my neck, his strength was fading, I could feel it.

I closed my eyes, his soft hairs drying my stained cheeks. I heard his slow heartbeat, his soft breathing, his gaze still on me. I felt calm. Calmer than ever before. Where did his strength come from, even in moments like these? I didn't know.

For a moment, I was seven again. School was awful, I had a lot of panic attacks just because I knew my classmates would take advantage of the situation I was it- when it came to my autism. They would touch me on purpose, knowing I didn't like it when strangers did it. They'd scream into my ear because they thought it was funny how I would cry and stuff my fingers in my ears in order to try and not get overstimulated. They took my lunch, they ate it, they lied down on the floor and made their arms and legs jerk, making fun of the seizure I had had in class. They would ask me several things on purpose, things they knew I wouldn't understand because I would start flapping my hands and they would laugh.

They would pester about the fact that I had no mother, that my father was as young as their elder brothers. They wouldn't include me, invited every peer for their birthday except me because I was dumb and would ruin the party. I had trouble making friends, but maybe the autism hadn't only been the reason. Maybe the other reason was because I had never been given a chance.

Caregivers at home sucked. I just wanted to be with Dad. The first woman stuffed a towel into my mouth, the other one wanted to dance with me in order for a fun activity. She couldn't understand why I didn't like the extremely loud music, or why I didn't like it when she pulled me off the couch and held my wrists tightly to dance even when I made clear I didn't want to do so.

The other one forgot me in the bath, leaving me blue and cold. I called for Dad after hours, not really understanding the situation- I found it extremely hard to leave his side after that. Then the woman who touched me several times, harming my mind. The one that was pretty okay compared to the others, but there was no bond to find. The last one that forgot about my existence when her phone was present.

Knew about it all, I remembered everything. But the caregiver that would never, ever leave my mind and had only given me positive feelings when I thought of it was Ms. Hannah, Mummy Hannah and Cooper.

Never had I experienced before what it had felt like to have a friend, other than my Dad and Mummy Hannah at some point. But Cooper, he changed it all. The first time I saw his photo, I was in love with him, I needed to meet him or I'd lose my mind- I was sure Dad remembered.

I remembered how I got to walk him for the first time, how I hugged him the first time. How his eyes seemed so trustworthy- and they had never betrayed that thought. He was my first, and best true friend, ever. He had scratched Tara on our family day, I was utterly confused. He had never scratched me, and hadn't ever in those years that followed later.

Cooper belonged to me- he had made me the person I had become today. He took the lead, but pushed his nose against my bottom when I needed to introduce myself. He was always close, always comforted me when things were rough. He made me calm when I had a panic attack, he distracted me from my distractions- preventing me to become overstimulated. He slept with me to make me feel safer, he bathed with me just to have fun as friends. He let me touch his ears when we were playing.

That dog, made me feel at ease at my new school, giving me the courage to speak to some of my peers, because he was there with me and for me. He divided the attention, he licked my hands when I was feeling nervous in lunch time, or play time.

He gave me confidence to speak out my thoughts- he gave me confidence to speak out loud in the first place, especially when my stuttering and stammering were worse when I was younger. He gave me confidence about my autism, about my epilepsy. Wasn't he the one that had saved me from my severe seizure on the floor that day?

I was nine, Cooper was almost two. The sun was setting, we were playing in the grass. Well, I was fiddling with his ears, Cooper simply watched me. I felt so calm, I felt so loved and I felt so safe. I was nine, Cooper was almost two.

He had been there for me, always. He had never, ever let me down. Not a moment, not a minute, not a second, never.

He was my best friend, and nothing would ever change that. Not even the stupidity that was death, who did nothing but tear people apart.

Squeezing him even closer, I tried to keep my mind clear, so I could remember this forever, but how could you do that? I didn't know. My heart was shattered into a million pieces, I didn't know if it could ever heal again. How could it, when I needed Cooper for everything?

"Cooper.." I pressed my nose against his, kissing it softly. His tongue swiped over my cheek, his eyelids becoming heavy. "I love you. I love you so much, you're my best friend- and you will always be my best friend, right, Coop?"

Cooper squinted his eyes, he pushed his nose against mine.

My hand was soaked with tears, my sensitive skin sore from the saltiness that came off them. I stared at him, kept staring and fiddling with his ears, until Cooper started losing his strength more and more, breaking me.

The vet came in, I didn't look up. I heard him preparing something and moments later, he was crouched down near us. Cooper stirred at the needle, I tried to comfort him through our embrace, through my fingers fiddling with his ears. Cooper licked me one more time, his breathing became slower.

And then, just like that..

Cooper was gone.

~~~

My heart is broken. I don't even know what to say..

What do you think of this chapter..?

Zephaniah? Your feelings towards him after reading this

His and our Coop?

....

Let me know your thoughts. Votes and comments much appreciated ❤️