Haven

".. so I just puked and puked and couldn't stop, even when the whole team was cheering on me. It was so gross, I still gag when I think about it." Louis gagged, a loud sound erupting from his throat.

Raising my left eyebrow, I chuckled a bit, even when my mood was extremely off. "Impressive."

He clutched his stomach, staring outside the bus' window, his expression dramatic. "I think I'm car sick."

Rolling my eyes, a deep sigh left my parted lips. My eyes fell onto Zephaniah- he had completely isolated himself ever since our last conversation. He wore his ochre beanie, the numbing headphones on top of that. He only stared down, nodding once or twice when William motioned for something.

This morning had been our last- we had said our goodbye's and thank you's to Nina and Vincent ter Linde. I found it rather hard to leave Amsterdam, but the situation between Zephaniah and I made me want to be home as soon as possible. William had heard about his seizures, he insisted for Zephaniah to sit beside him again, for the whole journey long. Zephaniah didn't seem to mind now. It hurt me even more. I didn't understand anything- it had only been one or two days, yet it felt as I couldn't live without it.

The journey sucked. I had agreed to sit next to Louis only because Tara and Norah couldn't stop glaring at me. Tara seemed furious, I didn't really know why. Luke was still stubborn, Abel had given me a sympathetic smile but did sit beside Norah.

Obviously, their relationship would be so much easier.

Louis couldn't stop talking about his football stories. About the one time where his tooth rolled out because somebody's head hit his chin roughly when he wanted to pass over the ball, or where somebody stepped onto his ankle but he scored, anyway.

I didn't care. I was tired, he was chatty. Finally, I understood how annoying I could come off towards other people. How had Zephaniah kept up with me? Maybe he hadn't. Maybe that's why he broke it off so soon.

It was strange. I wasn't even used to it- and before I knew it, it was already taken away from me, not even allowing me to get used to the relationship.

Tears welled up in my eyes. My heart hurt, still. I hadn't ever felt this way.

However, I also scolded myself. I could've known, couldn't I? He was autistic, I had always kept that in the back of my head- I gave myself too much false hope. It simply hurt.

"And then when I passed the ball to one of my teammates.."

My attention was long gone, I retrieved my phone out of the pocket of my coat. I needed Jonah- he'd always know what to say. Snuggling deeper into my coat, I pressed my lips to the zipper, scrolling until I found his name.

'You home tonight? X Have.'

Glancing at Zephaniah, I saw how hard he was fighting to keep his eyes open. I felt bad for him, I wanted to brush his fringe off his forehead and tell him it was okay to sleep, that he needed the rest. I pushed my thoughts away.

My phone vibrated, my brother's name appeared on the screen.

'Yeah, 'course, Have. What's up? I'm picking you up, along with Jude :D. Cannot wait to see you. It's been really quiet, haha. X.'

I smiled a little, feeling warm at his words, but the smile faltered soon after. Could you really be friends with someone after this? I never believed in such things, it would always be different from what it had been. Would I lose him completely?

'Just need to talk about something. See you soon, Jo. X.'

He hadn't answered anymore, I let it be.

The journey had been long- we had already driven to France, Calais and went onto the Ferry towards Dover. It felt good to be back in England, it would take four more hours to get home, the first hour in the bus being over already.

It was dark outside, it became dark earlier nowadays. We had eaten something on the Ferry, but my appetite had been gone, my stomach already full with emotions. I missed him, already. And he was right here- perhaps that was what made the situation so complexed. How would things go at Uni?

"Why are you so low, dude?" Louis practically screamed into my ear, making me look up in irritation.

"Shut up." I mumbled out, staring outside the window, not wanting to meet his face.

"You okay?" Louis' voice softened, it surprised me a little. "Hey, I feel left out too, man. Abel's only on about Norah, Luke only about Tara. What happened to bro's before hoes?"

"Hey!" I frowned, looking into his eyes. "I hate that saying. Why would you call girls that word just because?"

Louis held up his hands, his eyes widening a little. "Sorry, bro. Wanna date?"

"No." I answered, retrieving my book, that had been stuffed away into my backpack way too deep. It made me frustrated, when did it ever? My optimism was completely gone- I didn't know such things could have such awful effect on me. It saddened me.

"Kidding, obviously. This one time I met this girl at football and.."

Sighing deeply, I kept repeating in my head that I had to calm down and simply not react if I would only work myself up. Opening the book, I tried to leave reality behind and dig into somebody else's problems. It was way easier, that way.

"Alright, ladies and gentleman! We are back in Bradford, finally." William chuckled, his voice ringing through the tiny microphone the bus drivers had, for some reasons. "As you all know we're going towards the University and you'll be picked up, or drive home yourself- I don't know. Anyway, I want to thank you all for being so kind towards the guest families and I must say that it all went really well! I had loads of fun, I hope you did too. Sleep loads this weekend and I'll see you guys on Monday!"

My peers cheered loudly, the other class mixing in as well. I simply clapped a little, feeling relieved that Jonah would pick me up. I was way too tired for driving home myself. The bus stopped, everybody stood up right away.

Tiredly reaching for my backpack, I stood up as well, smiling at Louis as he waved me goodbye- jogging over towards the exit of the bus. Zephaniah was still seated, I knew he was waiting for the others to leave first, so he could leave in peace. Part of me wanted to wait with him, I wanted to talk to him so bad. But I knew he needed his space, so I let it be and exited the bus.

His gaze fell on me for a brief moment, I could feel it, but when I turned around- his eyes had averted to the other, hyper, peers already.

"Thank you so much for driving us all the way towards there." I smiled at the bus driver, waiting for him to answer.

"My pleasure!" The rather big man smiled at me, he seemed to like that I had told him that. Hadn't anybody else done it?

Stepping out of the bus, my eyes searched for Jonah, but I had yet to find him. I couldn't find his car either, he was most likely still on his way. My eyes met hazel ones, I gave his father a quick smile, turning my attention away from him, because I couldn't handle it. I didn't see Hannah, neither did I see Cooper.

Once my suitcase had been handed back to me, I stood at the edge of the road, watching how everybody engulfed their parents into a big hug, stepped into their own cars or were being picked up by their boy or girlfriends.

I glanced sideways. Zayn was pulling Zephaniah in a hug. Zephaniah didn't really hug him back, he only stared at his feet, his parted lips moving slowly as he told his father something. He looked around him, as if he was searching for something. Moments later, he stepped into his father's car and left.

Sitting down onto one of the wooden benches that stood in front of the fences of the University, I watched how it became less and less busy, all of my peers leaving the place with either laughs on their faces or irritation due to their tired state.

A shadow fell over me. I looked up, William's warm eyes meeting mine instantly. "Hey, Haven. Are you able to get home?"

"Sure am." I smiled a little, my gaze back onto the, now, empty road. "My brother will pick me up, with my other brother. Just waiting for them."

"Ah, alright." He sat down next to me, his eyes onto the road as well. "I'm not leaving until all of my students are gone."

I smiled again. William was thoughtful. "I'll be fine, though." I said, not really in for too much conversation at this very moment.

"Oh, I know so." William laughed softly, glancing at me. "You'll talk yourself out of dangerous situations, I believe. Skilled, is what you are when it comes to talking. Did you enjoy the trip?"

"I truly did." Until some point.

"So did Zephaniah. Haven, you're such a sweet girl. You helped him so much, I literally saw that guy bloom whenever he was around you. Keep that friendship, if you can. I had my thoughts and worries about him at first, but with you, I'm sure he'll be able to make it throughout these four years of Uni." William mentioned, a happy, small smile visible on his face.

"I don't know if I can." I whispered, not really aware of the fact that I was about to spill everything to my teacher, but if I cared at all at this point- I didn't know either.

"Why wouldn't you? You've got it in you, Haven. You're such a thoughtful young lady. Truly, you are the peace keeper in that messed up class of yours." William frowned, shaking his head lightly. I smiled a little, feeling sad.

"The trip was fun. Until I ruined it for the both of us. I've got feelings for him, can you imagine? Gosh, it truly sucks. I admitted it to him- they just grew so fast, I couldn't even keep up. I needed to tell him and I prepared myself that it was only going to be from my side, you know? I told him, goodness knows why.." I sighed, looking up at the clouds that were still visible through the dark sky.

"I think he was confused, but he said he felt the same. We kissed. He seemed to like it, I did too. It was so short, though. After one or two days, after the seizure night, he wrote me a letter that he wanted it to stop. It was overwhelming for him. I feel so selfish, I'm super hurt. But I get it. Actually, I don't, because I'm not autistic, who knows how he feels? But I promised myself and my Dad that I would accept and respect him the way he is. And I need to keep that promise, even if it hurts so much."

Looking sideways, I gulped, realising this wasn't exactly Jonah I was talking too. "Welp, this is awkward. Confessing you kissed a guy for the first time to your teacher? Awesome. Where the fudge are you, Jonah?!" I yelled, shaking my head.

William looked down at me, his brown eyes stood soft. "I'm sorry the trip ended that way for the both of you. Such a shame. Let me tell you something, Haven. I got rejected eight times by my wife. Eight! My pride is still extremely hurt, sensitive topic, moving on." He laughed.

"She was young, though. I should've realised that way sooner. She had said yes at first, too. I was over the moon, we got so much closer within one day. That same day, she broke up with me. I truly didn't understand why, but she was just confused about everything. She needed time to process what was happening. It was her first time liking someone- how on earth would she know how to act?"

"Me." I mumbled out, staring at my feet that were slowly rocking back and forth. "But don't you learn throughout the relationship? How will you ever know?"

"I told her that too, she agreed to it but was still super hesitant. Space is such an important thing, in a relationship. I wanted to be with her all the time, but she needed the space I didn't give her because I was blind due to the love. Listen, Haven. It's just.. this personal thing of timing. Some people need loads more of time than you do. And that's okay- you just learn to try and understand and accept that. It's super hard, especially when you truly love that person- but you can't force your partner to do things at your time. Even when it's out of so much love."

"But that's all I've tried for him.. giving him space, especially for his autism. I told him we could take it so slow but.."

"He's a young guy, Haven. He may experience certain things for the first time. It's super exciting, especially for us guys. That's a hard thing- maybe he realised once he was in that situation, that he wasn't ready for it at all. Also, yeah, his autism would be part of the reason. Am I all over the place? I probably am." He chuckled. "All I'm trying to say is that sometimes you need to take a step back completely from the situation in order to respect someone and their time. Even though you tell them you give them time but still hold onto a relationship- it may feel loaded towards the other one, you understand?"

"Everything will come at its own time. Well, I believe everything comes at God's timing, but I don't know if you believe."

I smiled, my eyes looking up. "I do believe."

"Pray for it. God knows your path, He'll do what is best for you. Even when you don't understand it at all at this moment, maybe." William smiled as well, it felt much easier to talk about it now. "And no, it's not going to be easy. Life would be way too boring. But you've got people around you to talk about it- and if not.. your Father in Heaven is going to be there for you."

"Thanks." I smiled wider, glancing at him.

Jonah came into view, William stood up.

"Well, my wife and daughters are waiting for me. Can't wait to engulf them into a big hug. See you on Monday!" He walked off, I smiled still, feeling thankful.

Jonah jogged over to me, flashing me his smile. "Have!" His arms wrapped around me, I enjoyed his familiar smile and warm hug. "Traffic was awful, I'm sorry it's so late. Is everyone gone?"

"Yeah, but it's okay. William stayed with me. Said he couldn't leave before all of the students were gone. He's such a nice guy to talk to." I shrugged, a weight having left my shoulders.

"Great, Have." He smiled warmly at me, kissing my forehead. "You wanted to talk. Did something happen? We can drive. Jude couldn't join, I'm sorry."

"Yeah.. I need to tell you something." Licking my bottom lip, I climbed into the car. The conversation with William had given me much insight, but I still craved for Jonah's wise advice. He knew me, he'd help me. "I've got a question first."

"Shoot, Haven." He started the car, glanced at his rear view and drove off.

"Do you think I can specifically ask God for this one guy to be my boyfriend and not some other?" I truly wondered.

Jonah smiled instantly, looking down at me. "I missed you, Have. I'd say give it a shot. Who knows, right?"

Right.

~~~

Going back home.. what do you think of how the trip was in general?

Do you think Zeph and Haven will not talk anymore, or find their way back together?

Only 9 chapters left now :(

Let me know your thoughts!! Much love xx