Zephaniah

"I need to tell you something." Haven stayed quiet after that. So did I- I really didn't know what to say, neither did I know what to expect. Anxious feelings came up slightly, my mind focusing on my thumping heart only.

Was she mad? Didn't she want to be my friend anymore? Did she think the same things Luke had thrown onto me last time? Did Tara say anything?

"Hey, do you want to sit on that bench over there? The sun is shining on that bench, the shadows here get a bit chilly." She smiled, but I couldn't bring myself to give her one back, I felt confused. I still nodded in response. Our hands lost contact.

We stared at the canal houses in front of us, the both of us staying quiet, still. It made me even more anxious because I didn't know what to expect. I started flapping my hands, trying to let my emotions out in a way that felt so familiar to me.

"Zephaniah?"

"Yeah." I answered right away, glancing at Haven. Her eyes stood warm and soft, but she swallowed nervously as well. I blinked my eyes faster, looking the opposite direction, hoping for this moment to be over. Not being able to handle such situations well, I started stimming a bit more.

"I.." She was hesitating. When was Haven ever? I focused onto the wooden bench we were sitting on. It was messy, as if people had scratched the wood with their keys, as if bicycles had bumped against it and had scraped off the paint as well as damaged a part off it. Fingers slowly started to pluck some wood off, shoving the mess onto the ground after.

"Did I- did I do something wrong?" I blurted out, glancing at her in pure confusion, some fear as well. If I did, I truly didn't understand what it could've been. I had made quite some jokes today, maybe they had hurt her, even when I wouldn't really know why. But when did I ever know? Different mindsets sucked a lot, at times.

"No! No, Zeph. No, you did not." Haven sighed softly, scooting closer to me. "I'm sorry, I'm just.. nervous telling you this. I need to get straight to the point, right?"

Humming in response, I tried to stuff my flapping hands inside the pockets of my jacket, feeling annoyed at my own behaviour. I narrowed my right eye, glancing at her again. Her eyes went from the boat that was laid into the water on the left side- to the boat that was on the right side. She seemed to be thinking deep, she didn't seem sad, but then again- the word seem made me feel as frustrated as my own complexed mind sometimes.

"Zeph, I.." Haven swallowed thickly, her blue eyes meeting mine for a brief moment- I looked away, the suspense killed me. "I've got feelings for you." Haven blurted out, her rosy cheeks turning rosier.

Staying silent for a long time, my thumping heart screeched into my ears. I played with my fingers, my eyes blinked faster again. "What kind of feelings?" I suddenly wondered, fisting my hands as they wouldn't stop flapping.

Haven's face softened, a smile appeared on her face. "I like you, Zephaniah. I really, really like you. With that, I mean that I cannot help but picture the two of us together. Holding hands, spending more time together, getting to know each other even more.. a relationship. A partner relationship, like your granddad and grandmother. Do you get what I'm saying?"

"You like me?" My cheeks reddened, my heart started thumping even faster. Holding hands. Of course, you fool. It had been a sign. Dad and mum only held hands when they had confessed their love towards me. Haven liked me, like Mum had liked Dad. And still did. Why hadn't I noticed that before? Those were the moments I got frustrated with my own mind.

Haven stayed quiet for a while, looking up. "Yeah. I do." She licked her lips, I stared at the tiny freckle on her cheekbone. "And you know, Zeph. It's so okay if you don't have those feelings for me, okay? It's just.. I really needed to get this off my chest. I don't know where it started.. perhaps, at the beginning already. You're just so.. genuine and soft and sweet and yourself. I appreciate that so much.. the feelings only became stronger and stronger and even now it's still blooming. I'm sorry if this is overwhelming for you in a way, but.. I really needed to tell you."

Trying to listen to everything she had said, I felt warmer after every word that I processed. Truth was, I truly didn't know what to say. I was overwhelmed. When did somebody ever felt that way about me? But at the same time, I had to admit that I could find myself in her thoughts as well.

It made me feel so extremely confused. My mind started overflowing.

"Have?"

"Zeph?"

"How.. how did you know that you liked me?" I asked, truly being confused about everything, at this point.

Haven smiled, she tried to search for my eyes. "Naturally. I wanted and want to be around you like, practically all the time. You make my heart flutter and my cheeks warm, you make me happy and besides all of that- I've never felt this way before. I just.. know it."

Dad had said the same thing and somehow, my feelings could be placed in those exact words.

"Haven?"

"Zephaniah?"

Looking up at her, I reached for a strand of her hair, playing with it. My eyes were wide, pleading for her to understand what I was trying to say, but my mind locked my lips. Eyebrows furrowing in light frustration as it didn't come out, I tried to think of my father, who had always given me advice when it came to speaking out my thoughts. Thought of my mother, thought of Cooper. "I.. I think I like you too." I stammered out after a long moment of silence, my cheeks flushing pink. It was probably the most expressive thing I had ever said, and I truly didn't know I was able to do something like that. She had done the same thing, it was probably just fine. "I know I do.. okay."

Haven looked up, her eyes twinkled. "Wait, really?"

"Yeah, really." My lips parted, but I didn't really know what to say. I felt strange, explicitly showing and expressing this, deep, unknown feeling, yet it felt good, as if it was needed in some way. My mind felt a little clearer- that hadn't happened much before. It felt emptied and that was when I knew it was right.

I liked Haven.

"Zephaniah, I- I don't know.. I'm sorry, I read your-"

"Notebook. I know." I answered simply, briefly looking into her eyes.

"Wait, what? How do you know.." Haven gave me a sheepish smile, her eyes had this apologetic look.

I smiled a little, biting my upper lip. "My pen was placed differently as well as- as the notebook itself. It is okay, though, Haven. I don't really mind.. maybe it was better- I don't really know how to express.."

Haven sighed softly, shaking her head. "Look at us, we're a mess." She started laughing, I joined her, scooting a little closer to her. The, positive, tension, was gone, I felt more at ease. Haven was still smiling, her eyes resting onto the canal houses.

"What are we supposed to do with those feelings?" I frowned a little, still feeling slightly confused and overwhelmed by those words we had just exchanged.

"Zeph, there's so much I could do right now. Hold your hands, hug you, kiss you. But, that's up to you, okay? I don't want to overwhelm you in a way. I don't know if you know what I would mean with these gestures. I'd hold hands just to feel your skin, to express my love. I'd hug you just to feel close to you, to keep you with me. I'd kiss you to.. to show affection, to share the affection." Haven blushed, it made me smile a little. I didn't think Haven had blushed before, besides that her cheeks were naturally rosy most of the time.

"I want that." I answered simply, scooting even closer to her. "I can't hold your hands and- and hug you at the same time, though. Also, can you.. can you take the first step?" I asked, hesitantly, being new to everything when it came to girls and being intimate.

Haven looked into my eyes, I tried to look back into them, even when it made me feel overwhelmed. She took my hands in hers, they were cold. I brushed my fingers over her knuckles to make them a little warmer, then I just wanted to reach for a strand of her hair- my own, comfortable way of showing someone I cared.

Before I could, Haven's arms were wrapped around me. Her grip was firm, I liked that. The hug felt warm, the hug felt safe- something that was important to me. I trusted Haven. I liked Haven. I wanted to be with Haven.

I rested my chin onto her shoulder, my thumping heart calming down in her embrace. We stayed like that for moments long. Her arms wrapped around my neck, my arms wrapped around her waist. My cheeks were warm, my heart started thumping again, but this time out of satisfaction.

Her touch was okay, her grip was good. Her hair smelled like fruit, the scent was satisfying in a way. My fingers got tangled with a strand of hair, I started humming a soft song- I was enjoying the moment as it was.

I forgot about the autism, I forgot about the worries. It was just me and Haven, hugging.

Innerly, I felt confused still. The one moment, we were study peers, the other moment we were being intimate. Perhaps, it was also because I had never done this before with a girl. Because I had never done this before with those feelings of liking a girl. I was new to it all, but besides that, I felt like a guy.

Haven pulled away, I loosened my arms and laid them in my lap. She smiled softly, her eyes were still twinkling. "Felt okay?"

"What?" I wondered, staring at her freckle.

"Holding hands, hugging.. Did that feel okay to you?" She elaborated, making much more sense.

I nodded, briefly looking into her eyes. "It feels okay to me. And, uhm.. to you?" I swallowed a little, the nerves still flowing throughout my body.

"More than okay. Better than I've ever imagined." She blushed again, my heart felt warm. "Is this all.. is it overwhelming?"

"Uhm," I answered, staring at the tourists that walked by. "It is, but in a good way! I- I didn't think somebody would ever like me that way, you know? And I- I've never given it much thought, I tried to push my thoughts away because it's just.. an unfamiliar feeling, an unfamiliar place for me to go to, makes sense? I do not know if it does but.."

"It does make sense.. I don't know if it helps you, but I'm lost too. I've never liked a boy, I've never hugged a boy that way, never kissed a boy that way.. but you know what? That's okay. We'll figure it out." Haven smiled and scooted a little closer to me. "We can get lost, just like we did on the tandem. There's no wrong way, right? We're both new to it, we can let everything sink in and see what we do after that."

"Okay." I whispered, softly cupping her cheeks like what I had seen Dad doing to Mum. Even I did it to Dad sometimes, but this time I meant it differently.

Haven's cheeks felt soft, she leaned in a little. I brushed my thumb over the freckle that rested onto her cheekbone, making the rosiness turn even rosier, because of the friction between my finger and her skin. I intensely stared at her smooth skin, the softness of it satisfying my thumbs.

"Zeph?" Haven's eyes fluttered open, I let go of her cheeks. "Do you want to kiss?"

Gulping, I looked away and licked my rather dry lips. "I've never done it before."

"Don't worry, makes it even more special, don't you think? I mean- if you wanted to, of course. But I couldn't imagine myself giving away my first kiss to someone else." Haven brushed her thumb over my cheek now, making me feel shy. "Do you want to try it? I've never kissed anyone before either."

"Yeah, okay." I hummed, my hands flapping lightly. "I want to try it."

Haven's hands reached for my cheeks, she cupped them softly. My hands flapped still, I felt nervous for some reasons and I couldn't express it any differently. Her eyes stared into mine, I focused onto the freckle on her cheekbone instead. My mind would explode if I had to make eye contact at this moment.

Her glossy lips were close to my face- I felt her warm breath tingling onto my skin. I swallowed, I glanced into her eyes. She gave me a smile, I returned it- feeling more at ease. "Well.. here goes nothing." She tilted her head, I instantly did the same, but the other direction.

And then, just before I knew it, her lips were pressed against mine.

My hands flapped harder, but the feeling of her lips against mine was stronger at this moment- my mind couldn't focus on anything else anymore. Our heartbeats were the only thing heard, the slight movement of her lips on mine giving away the affection we had for each other. My eyes were squeezed closed, the breeze hitting the tips of our noses, yet the warmth that had flushed onto our cheeks warmed them again.

I didn't really understand what I was feeling in my stomach. As if a dog shelter finally released all of its barking, crying dogs- them happily running out of the building once they realised they had freedom- only for them to fall over each other and not really getting out because there was no patience.

That's how my stomach felt.

Her lips tasted like watermelon, they felt as soft as her skin, her movement slow. It was pleasuring, in a lovable way, it was strange- but good. Only affection and love appeared- there was no lust in the kiss.

At some point, my flapping hands had accidentally hit our faces, the two of us pulling away at the sudden movement. I felt ashamed, Haven's eyes were full of admiration. "Sorry." I felt my cheeks warming, but Haven shook her head.

"What do you say, Zeph? What do you want? Are you even ready for a relationship?" Haven wondered. "We can take everything so slow, as slow as you want.."

"Uhm, I.." Suddenly, I felt extremely overwhelmed, my insecurity coming up again. "Haven, I.. I can't- I'll never be like the other guys. I flap my hands when experience an extreme emotion, I hum when I enjoy something, I whistle when I get badly overstimulated.. I won't be like.. I don't think I can-"

"But that's what I like about you, Zephaniah. I love it when you flap your hands, I love it when you hum, your stammering at times, your different mindset, your autism. I love you still when you get meltdowns, when things are too much for you, when you're overstimulated. If you were just like the other guys, I wouldn't have fallen for you.. don't you understand still?" Haven sounded desperate, her comment opened my eyes. "I fell for you, Zephaniah. And with that, I fell for everything. Everything."

How could I express my mind into words?

I pressed my lips against hers again.

~~~

Yeah... so.. that.

Thoughts..?

Did you expect this? Did you expect it to be this way?

ZAVEN!!!! KISSED !!!! I'm going away..

Let me know your thoughts. Votes, feedback and comments are really appreciated by me. x H.