Zephaniah

"Okay, I've been waiting for way too long. We need to try the typical Dutch waffles now." Haven looked thoughtful, her eyes lingering on a specific spot. Once I turned my head to there, I saw a small stall, a man with an apron tied around his waist rolling some dough.

He placed it in some sort of toaster specifically made for those waffles, steam erupting from its machine when he opened and closed the lid. The smell that lingered near the stall was amazing, and not eating those packed lunches made me hungry faster.

"Do you want to try them?" Haven asked, fishing her wallet out of her backpack already.

"Yeah, okay." I nodded, remembering uncle Samuel had told me that they had tasted really good. Besides, I wouldn't decline food, unless the structures or taste wouldn't be nice. "Stroopwafels?"

"Yeah, that! You did research." Haven chuckled softly, and I breathed out in relief.

"I wanted to beat you once. With Amsterdam knowledge. It was a joke, though." Biting my upper lip to try and hide my laughter, I looked away when we made eye contact.

Haven's expression stood playful, therefore when she rolled her eyes, I knew she didn't mean it seriously. "You won, you won."

"My treat." Haven gave me a soft smile, I thought she was pretty. "Hiya, can I get two of those waffles?" Haven pointed at the so called stroopwafels, chuckling when she was about to speak up again. "Stroopwafels. Did I pronounce it right? I think I was pretty close!" I stifled a laugh beside her, to which she nudged my arm.

"Ouch!" I frowned, my eyes blinking a little faster. Pretending to be hurt, I saw how Haven gulped, her eyes widening and apologies leaving her mouth. "It was a joke." I said quickly, my expression unsure. "About.. my autism. Was that inappropriate?"

She handed the warm, interesting, large waffle looking cookie that came with a red and white checkered paperbag, to me. "Actually, I'm really glad it was a joke." She admitted, the both of us smiling at that.

While Haven started eating right away, I touched it with my fingers, getting used to the structure. It was still rather warm so I waited and stared at the checkered paper bag instead. It wasn't squared, it was made in the shape of a triangle.

"Oh." Haven sighed, shortly humming. "Oh, yeah. This is good. This is really, really good!" She cheered, doing a happy dance in front of me. "You should try it, Zeph! Oh.. yeah, it is pretty warm. Sorry, I just dove into it like I always do."

I bit my upper lip, hiding my laugh. Blowing off some steam, I took a bite myself, the soft, yet extremely delicious flavour filling my mouth. The waffle looked hard, but once you bit into it, it was soft, the caramel, syrup-py looking substance tasted better than the grilled chicken sandwich and that coming from me- was a pretty huge thing to say.

"And?" Haven said right away, startling me a little as I was lost into my own moment. Her blue eyes stood curious and her gaze was rather intense, shying me away. My cheeks blushed, something that hadn't happened in a while around her. I thought so, at least.

Looking away, I took another bite, thinking of what to say. "It's really good I- I really like it." For some reasons, I stammered, my mind getting a tiny black out. I frowned, I didn't understand why it happened and that frustrated me in some ways.

The phone call from Dad last night had made me feel rather confused. He had told me to take in the consideration that feelings towards a specific girl could grow, in any way, at any time. The topic didn't come out of nowhere. Obviously, I had asked him about it, Haven being on my mind last night way too much.

Signals. I had a problem picking them up at times. It depended on the situation, really. When I was little and the kids in my class asked me so many things, I thought they were interested in me and wanted to be friends. Later I found out that they were only asking me so much on purpose, because I wouldn't understand them and would start flapping my hands that way. They had something to laugh about.

Other signals, Phebe was crying? She would be sad, but the reason wouldn't be too concerning. It was still a child, after all. That's what uncle Samuel had told me.

Did I see dad crying? The reason could be more concerning. He was an adult. Was mum crying? It could be that the reason would be concerning but since she was pregnant, she tended to be more emotional- maybe it was the sad movie that she had watched.

Signals, they were pretty hard for me, but easy for anybody else. It's a natural thing, they said, yet Dad had to explain all these little examples to me at some point. I knew it was the autism in my mind that had simply forgotten to connect some lines. It didn't really matter, but when the point would come where I would like a girl, how on earth would I know if she liked me back?

I did not understand the concept of flirting. Girls had smiled at me before and Alexander would've nudged my arms saying they were flirting. I thought they were just happy and being nice. No, that signal- I couldn't seem to pick up on that.

I needed people to be specific. I needed people to walk up to me and tell me what they felt or thought about me. There would be a chance that I wouldn't understand their signals, which was frustrating for the both of us.

"Have?" I swallowed, my eyes meeting hers. She was in the midst of her rambling, I felt bad for cutting her off.

"Yeah?" She answered softly, relieving me. She wasn't mad.

"I need people to be specific. I need people to- to just tell them what they feel. People called me heartless before because I sometimes didn't understand- it's just that I don't always get some signals. I do get emotions, though. I feel really sad when somebody else feels sad." I rambled, taking a deep breath after that. "Do you like, uhm, the waffles?"

Haven was quiet for a while, she stared into the distance. I was worried, scared that I had made her sad in some ways, but when she looked back at me, she gave me another smile. "They're really good. We should take some home. They have them in smaller size, already packed in the supermarkets! I'm sure Jude would love them."

"Mama would." I chuckled a little, biting my upper lip. "She has pregnancy cravings."

"Really?" Haven laughed a little, her smile faltering after that. "How is she doing? Are you used to it more now?"

I shrugged, looking around me as we strolled through the calmer streets.

"I don't hear youu." Haven teased, poking my cheek. It surprised me, it made me let out a rather loud laugh, which I tried to swallow in right after.

"You sound like my dad now." Pursing my lips, I refused to laugh again, looking anywhere but Haven.

Haven pouted her lips, looking up at me. "Didn't sound like it was a compliment, or was it? I like to hear your thoughts, that's all." She shrugged, making me feel warm. She listened, but most importantly- she heard.

"Honestly.." I hesitated, tugging at my hair a little. "I'll see." I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

"That's okay." Haven answered, silence taking over us after that. We ate the remaining part of the waffle, got coffee and chocolate milk at Starbucks and just enjoyed the city as it was.

It was rather cold today- I was wearing my beanie, Dad had given me a scarf before I went in case it was needed. I took it out of my backpack and wrapped it around me, stretching my neck so now and then when something started itching me.

Haven silently took sips of her coffee, glancing at me quite a lot. I blushed, realising I was being weird. Eventually, I grew frustrated. The itch being the only thing I could focus on, it was driving me insane. Ripping the scarf away, I threw it into a trashcan that was most nearby, scoffing, my middle finger accidentally flipping up.

"Zeph!" Haven's mouth fell open, but she started laughing right after, the sweet sound of it making me feel warm. "That was.. blunt."

"Sorry." I blushed deeper, looking away. Dad would've scolded me if he saw me doing this- mainly because of the middle finger. "I- it happens before I know it, sometimes."

"Don't you worry." She laughed some more, it dying to a soft smile instead after a while. "Hey, do you want to sit on that bench over there? The view on the canal is pretty nice and it's not that busy."

Humming, I quietly agreed.

I sat on the left side of the bench, Haven on the right side. We were quiet, watching the boats loaded with tourists go by. I breathed out a little, I heard a lot of noises and now that Haven was silent, I was suddenly more focused on it.

"You're not chatty, now." I furrowed my eyebrows, glancing at Haven until her eyes met mine.

"I'm just thinking.."

"Okay." I answered, keeping my mouth shut.

Haven chuckled, an amused smile was visible on her face when she looked at me. "Most people ask what I would be thinking about."

Swallowing, I glanced at her. Was she mad? "I- I didn't ask because it's not my business. And.. and when I think I like to be left alone."

"I like your perspective." Haven answered, her eyes lingering onto the canal in front of us now. "I didn't mean it in a bad way."

Licking my lips, I felt her gaze falling onto my face again, but I didn't look back.

"In for a conversation?" Haven wondered, cupping her small hands around the cup of coffee she was holding, placing it on her thigh.

"What conversation?" I wondered, my eyes glueing to my own chocolate milk after I realised I had been staring at her for a while.

Haven shrugged lightly, I could tell she was smiling. "With me.. just random talk." The cold breeze hit us, I glanced at Haven's red beret. I, myself, wore a beanie, and our coats were warmer than the ones we had been wearing the other days.

"Sure, Haven." I answered truthfully, taking a sip of my chocolate milk after that.

Adjusting her beret, a soft sigh left her pink lips. "The trip is close to its end now. Are you excited to go back home?" She wondered, her eyes standing questionable as she looked at me.

Stuffing my free hand in the pocket of my coat, I rested my chocolate milk on my thigh, staring at the calm water in front of me. "I miss Cooper quite a lot and I wonder how mum and dad are doing, so I am excited of going back home, but that does not take away that I'm enjoying myself." I answered, glancing at her.

"You're enjoying the trip?" Haven's eyes were so wide, that I almost wondered if it was wrong to enjoy a trip. Until I understood what she meant.

"Because of you." I said, a little too quickly. Cheeks tinted red, I could feel it, so I also felt the need to elaborate it. "You made me feel so comfortable, you know? Like.. like your knowledge, it made me feel more secure in this unknown- this unknown country."

Haven's smile was still wide, but it faded eventually. "I'm glad I could help you in some ways, Zepho."

"And, uhm.. are you excited to go back home?" I wondered genuinely, pushing myself to look into her eyes for at least a second or two. Haven stayed silent, her eyes were resting onto the water, reflecting the colour of it. I couldn't make eye contact, and for the first time, it made me feel insecure, also because she hadn't reacted to what I said. "Are you mad?"

"Why would I be, Zeph?"

"You did not answer my question." I furrowed my eyebrows, feeling confused about the situation. "It's okay, though!" I added, quickly, not wanting to hurt her.

"Sorry, lost in my thoughts. I don't want to leave Amsterdam, to be honest. I really enjoy spending time with you, here.. you know?" Haven answered, eventually looking up at me, but because of the previous situation, and her words, I didn't dare to look into her eyes anymore. "I miss my annoying brothers and parents, too. So, perhaps seven days were long enough."

Silence took over, it was peaceful.

"Zeph? What made you want to study Philosophy?" Haven wondered, it sounded genuine.

"I.." Hesitating, I fidgeted with my fingers, trying to figure out how to word everything. "I didn't want to study Philosophy. I had always wanted to study to become a veterinarian, but apparently not all- not all Universities were that nice." I said, feeling sad. "They rejected me, said they couldn't provide me with extra help as an autistic student. As if I needed that. They didn't even know a Xoloitzcuintli was a certain dog breed."

Haven sighed, she shook her head. "I'm so sorry you have to deal with things like that. People really suck. I can only imagine.." Her eyes fell on my face.

The frustration and rejected feeling I had gotten after reading those letters and hearing them speak those words out in real life, came up again, wrenching me in some ways. "It made me feel low. Did you know four out of five autistic students don't graduate from college or uni? That discouraged me even more, but it also made me feel frustrated. No wonder we don't graduate if- if no university allows us to be on that school in the first place." My face softened, and my outburst had made me feel ashamed. "Sorry."

"Don't say sorry, please. Speak out your thoughts. I'm all ears."

Suddenly, a laugh wanted to escape from my lips, but I stifled it. Looking away, I couldn't help but picture Haven as one, giant ear, which made everything look so stupid.

Haven chuckled, but her expression gave something like confusion away. "Why are you laughing?"

"I just.. I just imagined you as one big, giant ear." I brought out, laughing louder now when I wasn't able to keep my lips pressed. "Sorry, it's not even that-"

Sweet laughter left Haven's lips. "Actually, it kinda is. Why did you have to point that out?!"

After laughing for a moment, I collected my thoughts and tried to word them for her. "Anyway.." Licking my upper lip, I furrowed my eyebrows as I got lost in thoughts. "It was the only university that had the veterinarian course near my home, so I had to find something else. Dad said I have a creative mind. He suggested this, probably also- also because Tara went. I don't know.. I was really lost. I just said yes. Making decisions is hard, anyway."

Haven nodded, and I could tell she heard what I was speaking. It made me feel seen. "Do you like the study now?"

"I guess.. it's just difficult. Just.. I mean it's cool because of the different perspectives and all, but it makes me really insecure because- because my mindset is so different, you know? It's not just a simple, different perspective. It's deeper than that. It makes me so self- aware." I chuckled, even though I was far from feeling amused about it.

"It is, but that makes me so interested in you." Haven stared into the water, and I copied her. Our reflections were deep down. I wished I could've looked her into the eyes that way. It would have been less intimidating for me. "Shame on you, Zeph. Seriously. Your autistic self is awesome, don't you see that?"

Parting my lips, I looked up at her, the emotions getting ahead of me. I never knew how to express them like other people did, and they were turning even crazier now that she had said something like that. "I have, because of you." I said, somewhat, sheepishly.

Haven's head shot up, her eyes so wide and full of wonder that a strange feeling erupted inside me. "Really?"

"Yeah." I breathed out softly, my eyes falling onto one of the boats. "Mum and Dad are so sweet. They make me feel so loved, and always tell me it's fine. But not hearing it from a peer is pretty difficult. Parents are supposed to be like that, right? I mean, no, not always. I'm lucky, I realise that but.. it's just different.." I became frustrated, not being able to word out my thoughts properly. "I don't know how to word it."

"I understand you, Zeph. I'm really thankful and happy.. I made you feel that way because it really was my intention. Just to make you feel comfortable, especially about yourself." Her voice was warm, and I could tell she meant everything she had just told me. When did I become so lucky to meet someone like her?

Staring into the distance with a soft smile playing on my lips, I played the conversation over and over in my head. It was when her fingers touched mine, that I got startled out of my stare moment. Hand so soft, but her grip tight, I stopped fidgeting my fingers right away at her touch.

Looking down at our entangled hands, I looked up at her, feeling uncertain. "You afraid?"

"Maybe I just want to hold your hand because I find you sweet." She said, almost nonchalantly. Expression so playful, yet serious after a moment, my mind started running with thoughts. "Do you know what I mean to say with it?"

Feeling even more unsure, I started swallowing, heart thumping rapidly. "Your hands are- are cold?"

"No, Zeph." Haven tried to search for my eyes, but mine wouldn't allow to give in to that. "You wanted me to be specific, right? Straight to the point?"

Sensing her nervousness myself, I became worried, wondering what was wrong. I had already thought she had acted a little differently today, but until now, I didn't know if I had been right about that. "I do like that."

"Zeph?"

I hummed.

"I need to tell you something."

~~~

Sweetness. What do you think of Zeph being so expressive around Haven? Growth? Comfort?

What is Have gonna tell Zeph???

Let me know your thoughts. Votes, feedback and comments much appreciated!! ❤️x H

What are you doing to keep yourself entertained during this quarantine time? I need tips :(