Zephaniah

Warmth engulfed me, just like the bright, flashing lights and the loud music that literally bored through my ears. It had probably been a really wrong decision to come here, but for some reasons, I had wanted to.

I wanted to be part of the group, I wanted to spend more time with Haven. My sensitive side was shown too many times already, I somehow wanted to let her show that I was a guy too. With not too many emotions, the same interests as the others. Who was I kidding, though. I couldn't lie, I couldn't pretend to be anybody else, besides hiding the autism.

Haven knew me better than anyone else here did, except for Tara, maybe.

My hands had flapped a lot of times, my eyelids heavy from the rapid blinking whenever a different song would come up, when people brushed against me or when somebody ordered a strong smelling drink. Honestly, I couldn't understand why people liked it, but I tried to keep my main focus on Haven, watching her every move.

She did a lot of her so called happy dances, they always made me smile. Other than that we just chatted for as far as that was possible, Luke, Louis and Abel drinking uncontrollably. It made me uncomfortable for reasons I couldn't explain, but let it be.

The six of us were seated on the high chairs that were placed at the bar. The music had slightly faded from over where we were sitting, chats could be made just fine. It was much better for me, the whole area overwhelming me. I knew I had to be really careful, I didn't want to come back overstimulated when it came to my autism, or trigger a seizure.

Haven had promised me we would only go for a little while and if it was too much, I could always get some fresh air, which made me feel better about it.

"Want another beer?" The barista questioned, the yellow liquid sloshed over the edge, drops sticking the bar underneath our arms. It made me frown, I wished he would have a wet napkin right here, right now, so I could clean it. The sticky beer felt strange against my skin.

"Do you want one?" His eyes were bored into mine when I looked up, catching me off guard. For a moment I didn't know what to say, my ears suddenly hearing so many unnecessary sounds that his question faded, my anxiety growing.

Tara nudged my shoulder, it woke me up. "He's autistic, he doesn't drink beer."

"I want beer." I said right after, huffing at her. Glancing at the barista, I gulped a little when his eyebrow was raised. I didn't really understand his expression, was he mad at me?

"You can't have it." Tara chuckled, ruffling my hair.

Glancing at Haven, I noticed she was glaring at Tara. Suddenly, I felt frustrated, fed up with how she just decided things for me, even when I was older. Yes, I had trouble making decisions at times, but that didn't mean I just had to agree with everything other people decided for me. I had always done that when I was little, because it had scared me to do otherwise, because what if people would get mad?

Pleasing others often leads to losing yourself.

"How do you do it, baba?" I whispered, oblivious to my surroundings, too caught up in my mind. Step by step, we will always help you. Sometimes even people you meet at University. The things Dad told me were to have the good with me, Haven said similar things.

"I want it!" I blurted out, shoving the glass that had previously been filled with water towards the barista. "I want beer." I said more softer, my own behaviour confusing me. "She can't decide that for me." Even softer, more quietly.

The barista grinned, he filled my glass up till the edge, the foam perfectly on top of that. "Heineken, hope you like it, mate."

"Heineken beer. Country of origin; the Netherlands, introduced in eighteen- seventy three." Haven whispered into my ear, I instantly smiled at her. She sipped on Fanta, she didn't like beer, I admired her confidence when it came to that. She truly didn't mind what other people thought of her. "Do you like beer?"

"I drink it with Dad, sometimes." I answered quietly, taking a few sips. I wasn't exactly fond of the taste, but I liked the coldness and freshness of it at times. It had been a warm day today, it was nice for now. Besides, I could tell the beer wasn't exactly cheap. The quality was rather good, it didn't surprise me that Heineken had become so popular, the origin coming from a small country.

"Are you okay?" Haven asked, making me frown lightly. Her question came out of nowhere, we were talking about beer.

"With drinking, uhm, a beer?" I asked uncertainly, not really understanding what she meant.

Haven smiled, her rosy cheeks rounding slightly. "No. Are you feeling okay, after this afternoon? What happened and all.."

I nodded, looking down at my hands that were wrapped around the glass. I stared at the foam, watching tiny parts dissolving slowly. I missed mum and dad. I missed Cooper.

"Hey, Zeph? Can you tell me a dog fact? About Beagles, maybe?" Haven distracted me, I was surprised that she asked. My hands started flapping right after, my eyes blinking rapidly but this time it was in proper excitement.

Nodding, my mind started digging deeply to find something. "Beagles are good companions for both kids and adults and mostly they're fun loving, but- but since they're hounds, they can be very stubborn and require patience and- and creative training techniques." My eyes were staring down at my pants- the ceiling had been too bright due to the lights. "Basically, their noses guide them through life and when they find an interesting scent they're never happier." I chuckled, glancing at Haven.

"Beagles were originally bred as a scenthound to track mostly rabbits and hare, actually still used for this- for this purpose in many countries." I literally informed, taking a few sips of my beer. "Scores three stars in adapt- adaptability, five in all around friendliness, three in health grooming, four in trainability and five in exercise needs. They'll live ten to fifteen years, will weight around eighteen to thirty pounds."

Haven's lips parted, I looked away when she didn't answer, suddenly really aware of what I had just done. I tried so hard to suppress it, yet Haven always seemed to get it out of me. I didn't know how, and I didn't know how it made me feel. I tried so hard to hide it, even when I had loosened it ever since she had told me I didn't have to.

Part of me still wanted to protect myself. What if she would see how I truly was? She wouldn't want to be friends anymore. Or had she seen how I truly was already? I didn't know.

I needed fresh air.

Swallowing, I shoved the chair away, suddenly being aware of all the loud noises, bright lights and many people again. "I- I need to get some fresh air."

"Do you want to be alone?" Haven's voice was still soft and sweet. I wondered if she wasn't mad, she hadn't said anything about the stupid dog fact yet.

Shrugging, I quickly made my way outside, finding a quiet place on the stairs that were further up the veranda. I tugged at my hair, felt how warm my cheeks were and sighed deeply. The past few days had felt like a daze. I didn't know what I was doing- I was out of my safe place. I just went along with everything, the clock ticking and ticking until I'd be knocked out.

I didn't know when it would happen, because despite the shutdown and the near meltdown- I had held myself together quite well. When would it be too much to take? I didn't know. I had stepped out of my comfort zone every day, a couple of times- going places I didn't know, but Haven soothed me in some ways. Perhaps, the balance between that kept me on my feet.

Thinking back about the afternoon, the sadness came over me again. I would forever take the harm the woman had done to me with me, no matter how well I had processed it. I was feeling okay, truly, but Tara had the ability to bring something up in such ways that it had felt as if I was experiencing it all over again in the afternoon.

Staring at my new, second- hand shoes, I gulped a little when shadows fell over me, not leaving for as long as it took me to look up and glance at the person that was hovering over me. Luke's blue eyes stared right through me, intimidating me.

I stood up, glanced back into his eyes but looked away when I couldn't hold it for any longer. It made me feel weak.

"You ruined a lot of things, mate." His voice sounded dark, it made me frown. What had happened to him? "Persons, situations, memories, lives, to be specific."

I glanced at him, not answering.

"When you had gotten the autism diagnosis, everything revolved around you. Everything. When you had gotten the second diagnosis, epilepsy, everything revolved around you too. Tara's family despised your Dad, huh? So your Dad not involving into their family anymore was a nice thing to do? Forgetting about her birthday parties, ruining her birthday parties because of that stupid little autistic kid of his that always made scenes?" Luke slurred a little, he was most likely drunk, judging from what I had seen him gulping down.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I managed to mumble out, anxiety creeping up for unknown reasons.

"You don't?!" He screamed out of a sudden, making me flinch. His hands gripped my sweatshirt, roughly tugging at the neck. "Your daddy really must've talked you into his sweet little white lies. He had such a hard time, huh. No family that cared for him and you, no money, no love, nothing. Hard life. You know what, though, it was his own fault. He declined the help her family offered him, he declined the money, he turned his back to them."

"That's not true." I frowned, my sensitivity being hit. People talking dirt about my father hurt more than when they did about me. "They had turned their backs on- on him, why would he accept their help and money after years?" My eyes glistened, but I was tired of my emotions expressing so explicitly. Couldn't I be strong? A man?

"You ruined everything for her, Zephaniah. Everything." He scolded, profanities and spit leaving his mouth, making me squeeze my eyes tightly. "When she was born, the only topic in their family gossip was you and your dumb daddy. And even when the gossip was full of negativity, full of despise because your daddy had turned his back to them, it still made them forget about her birth."

Dad never turned his back to them, that wasn't true. He tried, he tried so hard but he had never gotten anything back in return until my mum Hannah came into our lives.

"Can you imagine that she's never felt heard? Never felt seen? The world doesn't revolve around you, Zephaniah. Just because you're an autistic, epileptic waste of money for the government, that we monthly pay for, by the way, doesn't mean that the world should revolve around you, do you understand that?" He tugged rougher at my sweatshirt, the fabric stretching out.

I didn't answer, I wasn't getting half of what he was saying. When did the world ever revolve around me?

"You ruined her birthday parties, you made her lose her good friends!" He screamed, I flinched harder, trying to flap my hands but hid it when his eyes flickered down towards them.

"I never did that! I didn't-"

Luke tugged harder, I almost lost my balance. "You screamed when you were supposed to sing a simple happy birthday song. When you were supposed to watch her blow out her candles. Instead, you screamed at the top of your lungs, smacked things off the table and made a scene, her friends completely forgetting about her and focusing on you instead."

Tears slipped down my cheeks, it wasn't fair. "I told auntie Maryum it was too loud for me, I told her I wanted my numbing headphones. I had anxiety asking her and then- and then she told me to simply sing along and focus on her. To simply get over it- that's not how it works. It was a meltdown, I couldn't help it."

"They were afraid of you, they didn't want to be friends with her anymore because of you. Stop trying to blame everything on your autism. You're using it against other people. Easy right? Just blame everything on the disability so people will show their empathy and accept everything you do." He scolded, tears visible in his eyes as well. Was he sad?

Was that true? Had I really made her life that miserable? His last sentence made me feel extremely confused, why on earth would I do something like that? What was he talking about?

"Stop trying to play the victim! Open your eyes!" Suddenly, his fist flew to my face, a sharp, stinging pain coming up instantly. I whimpered at the painful feeling, his fist continuing to hit my face.

I had lost my balance, I fell down onto the stairs on my side. His foot came in contact with my body again, hitting everywhere he could possibly hit, his fist smacking my head several times. I stayed quiet, I stayed limp. I let him rage and express his anger out on me, I let everything happen, shutting myself off completely.

Eventually, the hitting, the kicking and the smacking stopped, but moments later, his fist hit my cheekbone again, my eyes watering because of the sudden pain- not because I was crying. I felt emotionless, I felt numb. I heard screaming, I heard shouting, but the noises had all faded out, I was in my own world.

Moments later, I got woken up from my mind, the loud noises, screaming and pain coming back. I whimpered but managed to sit up, wiping off my face. My hand was full of blood, I didn't know where it was coming from, but the feeling of it was strange, the smell worse. Sensory issues surely didn't help right now, I wished my mind could rest for a while.

Where was Cooper? Why hadn't he protected me?

Blinking my eyes, I licked my lips, the strong taste of blood making me nauseous.

Abel crouched down in front of me, his brown eyes stood concerned, I didn't really understand why. "Hey, man. Are you okay? Shit, you look.." He trailed off, I simply ignored his comment. Why did he care, all of a sudden?

I stared into the distance, feeling the warm liquid dripping down my face. People thought I didn't pick up on bullying, truth was, I did. I just didn't always know why, and perhaps, that was worse.

"Zephaniah? Are you okay?" He questioned again, I only glanced at him. If I wanted to have one person around me at this very moment, then it would only be Haven.

"Do you want me to leave?" I didn't answer, how could I say yes? At the same time, I didn't care anymore, about nothing. "Haven! I'll leave you to it. Doesn't want to talk to me." He screamed, it made me flinch.

"Zeph.." Haven bursted out into tears.

~~~

Our Haven always gets the true Zephaniah out of him ❤️ what do you think about the fact that Zephaniah is very self - aware of that? And doesn't always like it because he tries so hard to suppress and hide his autism?

Well.. uh, Luke?

The fact that Tara told everything about Zephaniah to Luke in the first place?

Anything else to say? ... I'm going away.

Votes, feedback and comments very very welcome and appreciated!! Much love x H