Haven

Sadness hung in the breeze around us, even when we were unknown to what was happening at this very moment. Ittarah hadn't stopped crying, which I didn't quite understand as she had started it in the first place- called his name several times to try and get him to wake up from his mind, but nothing seemed to work.

Louis and Abel had curiously walked over to us, but I had glared at them, telling them- including Luke- to leave it be and go back swimming. Luke had mocked me, but had gone away, which had relieved me.

Tears were still rolling down his cheeks, but he had no expression, a neutral emotion showing on his face. I didn't know if it was because of his shutdown, or because he simply didn't feel at this very moment, though, physically his body would still react to certain emotions or feelings.

"What did you say?" I whispered, looking up at Tara in desperation.

Tara shook her head right away, closing her eyes. "It's not my place to tell, Haven. It was just a joke, but he took it literally, like always." She huffed a little, though warmly and almost protectively rested her hand on his hair.

It confused me. Her words, but her gesture as well. "Can I try something?" I wondered sadly, staring at the guy that had barely blinked ever since he had gotten stuck in his shutdown.

"Go ahead, Have." Tara threw her hands up in despair. "I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know anything anymore." She waved Luke over, which frustrated me, but I decided to simply ignore them and turn my attention to Zephaniah first.

Bringing my hands up to his cheeks, I softly brushed his tears away with my thumbs, the rosy colour on his cheeks slowly turning back. I didn't know if it was because of the slight friction between my thumbs and his skin- or if it was because he was slowly recovering.

His eyes fluttered all of a sudden, his cheek leaning in one of my hands for a brief moment before he tilted his head, eyes flickering to anywhere. I let go of him, watching him as everything dawned into his mind.

His gaze fell on Tara again, his lips parting slowly, but he paused.

"Zeph.." Tara tried again, crouching down in front of him. "It was-"

"How could you say that." Zephaniah interrupted, his voice deep, caught up in sadness as a slight hoarseness was audible. It made my heart jump, but this time because it truly saddened me. Something had happened, maybe years ago. He carried a secret, and Tara brought it to light in a very wrong way.

"It's not a joke." Zephaniah shook his head, more tears leaking out as he kept glancing at Tara.

Tara huffed, kicking near his legs in frustration. "I'm sorry, I am? Okay? I really am, it was so awfully wrong for me to say that." She cupped his cheeks, but Zephaniah moved his head away, shaking it. "Please, Zeph.."

Zephaniah rested his arms on his pulled up knees, staring at the ground without reacting to her anymore. Looking up at Tara, I gave her another look out of desperation, luckily she had gotten the note. She took Luke's hand in hers, stared at Zephaniah for a moment more before she walked off, Norah awkwardly following them behind.

I wanted to comfort him, but I didn't really know how sensitive he was at this very moment. His father did tell me he liked it after a shutdown, which made me doubt everything. The term comforting suddenly had so many meanings, I didn't know what to do anymore.

Scooting closer, I simply stared at his face, watching him cry, oh so silently. My hand made its way to his face, not being able to resist myself while brushing away the fresh tears that had rolled down. Zephaniah let me, briefly resting his chin in my hand at times.

"Take your time." I said quietly, hearing how a deep breath left his parted lips. I felt sad, I was confused. What had she said wrong? What had happened to him? Clearly, it was something he would've rather held for himself, which made the situation more messed up.

He started biting the fabric of the white and dark blue striped robe he had thrown over his body, clearly seeming upset. I let him, I figured it was a way for him to let out his emotions. "Do you want to talk about it? Are you able to talk about it? You can trust me."

"I left it behind me and she- she just brings it up like that." He removed the fabric from his teeth, his watery eyes resting on the calm lake in front of us. "My family despised Dad because- because he chose to let me live. They didn't want to help Dad because he had made a mistake in their eyes, I think their mistake was greater. We didn't have- didn't have much money, Dad needed to work a lot and I had no mum."

I stayed quiet, listening to his story.

"Dad employed caregivers, you know? I told you about mummy Hannah, okay?" Zephaniah swallowed his tears away, swiping at his cheeks with his right hand. "I was always anxious. First woman did not understand me. I did not understand her. She forced me to meet my sensory issues, it was awful." His tongue moved around his mouth after he said that, his hands flapping for a brief moment.

He thought in emotions, he remembered in feelings.

"Doesn't feel important enough to tell the about the others. But Miss Rylee.." Zephaniah stopped, squeezing his eyes for a brief moment, probably to try and stop his tears that threatened to fall, once again. He stood up, briefly glanced at me. "Can't tell, Haven." He said quietly, walking over to his backpack. "I cannot tell anything. Talking isn't my- my best side like it is yours."

I watched him as he sat down, his back turned to me. I let him be for a while, not really knowing what to do. Wondering if he meant to say that he didn't want to talk about it anymore, I respected him, it wasn't my business, in any way. Though, eventually, he came back to me, his hands shaking as he handed me a small paper. He sat down again, his fingers twiddling rapidly.

Opening the note, my eyes fell onto his handwritten words.

I can still feel her rough and strong hands undressing me, her eyes raking over my body and her fingers coming in contact with my skin.

"Bath time." Zephaniah whispered, staring at the note. "Nothing wrong with that, when it would be- would be in my eyes. It's the autism, right? That I experience it that way. So she told me. I did not know what autism was. I was six."

"Meltdowns saved me the first few times." He explained quietly, his eyes resting on the lake again. "I cried, I screamed, I hit. Dad used to put me in the bath when- when I was so upset, it calmed me down. He did it when it happened with her too. But I had meltdowns because I did not want to go in the bath. Do you understand me?" His eyes flickered towards mine, the desperation clear in them.

I nodded, emotions caught up in my throat.

"I don't like the word hate. It's- it's too big, but I hated taking baths with Miss Rylee. Says enough." His voice was melancholic.

"I would cry and- silently cry and it would become worse when.." Zephaniah retrieved another note, his hand slowly moving as he wrote down more and more words. I was afraid, really afraid as to where this would be leading to. But deep down, I understood what he was trying to say.

Meltdowns saved me the first few times, daddy thought I would calm down in the bath, which was true, but not when she did it. He would help her when I was screaming, trashing and crying. He would help her getting me in the bath, he would kiss my cheeks and leave. Her dark brown eyes intimidated me, I became quiet.

Tears would still leak down, it would become worse once her hand went under water, her fingers touching me again. I hated being touched, it hurt me, it was uncomfortable, especially when she touched the place daddy said was meant to be for your own.

I would get into several shutdowns, trying to protect myself- she always took the moment for granted. My eyes hurt when her phone flashed, my body shaking when she lingered her hand on my spine. But I was helpless, I could scream, I could cry, and she would simply tell dad I would be having a meltdown. I was shy, I was insecure. I became quiet when she threatened.

"Every night when I lay in bed I went to Dad's bed, with tears- tears in my eyes. Dad always asked if she did something to me, but I.." Zephaniah's cheeks were rosy, I wondered if he was ashamed of the situation he had been in, which broke my heart.

Tears rolled down my own cheeks once my eyes lingered on his freshly written words, I felt so helpless for him. He had only been six and he had autism, why. Why did such cruel people exist that would use somebody's difficulty to get pleasure, extremely wrong pleasure, for theirselves.

"My mind was like.. like.." Zephaniah's eyes squeezed closed, he found it hard to express his emotions in words. I could tell by the way he was tugging his swimming shorts, his hair eventually. "She said it was what mummy's were supposed to do, touching their children. Nothing was wrong with it, you needed to be- needed to be washed in the bath. What did I know of a mum, right?" He whispered, staring into the distance. "She said don't tell daddy, though. He would be very disappointed in me."

"I didn't have anyone else besides Dad, Haven." He admitted, his lips parting. "I could not have him disappointed in me, my world would be broken. I couldn't lie, but she made me feel anxious. I was trapped, do you understand? I cannot explain."

"He asked; did she do something. She did so much, what could I answer, Have. The question was too- too big I needed specifications. I said no, I did not understand." His words broke me even more. He was six, and his mind would already be battling so hard because of his autism, because of an awful situation.

"I was a little oblivious, but daddy had explained me days before why I did not always like people touching me. Because the sensory issues, yeah? The sensitivity that- that came with my autism. Therefore, I was simply confused. My mind couldn't comprehend it." Zephaniah elaborated. I understood what he was trying to say. "I did not understand myself if I did not like her touching me because of sensory issues or because daddy said before it was my private.. and people could not touch that."

He was six years old. Six. He must've been so entangled with his own mind.

"Zeph, I'm so sorry." I breathed out, emotions getting ahead of me.

Zephaniah glanced at me, his eyebrows furrowing lightly. He brought his hand up to my hair, softly and slowly playing with a strand. "Don't cry, Haven."

"I can't believe you've been through that even when you were so young.. Did you ever manage to process it?" I wondered, the hope growing bigger inside of me. "Did your parents ever find out? Have you talked about it before?"

"Mummy Hannah was showering me, when they were married." Zephaniah said, his eyes focused on the strand of hair. "I think I asked why she did not- not touch me. Mummy's touch children, Miss Rylee said that. Mummy Hannah hadn't answered, but did tell Dad, I guess. One time Dad made me sleepover in their room. We made a tent out of their bed." Zephaniah smiled at the memory.

"Dad made me feel comfortable and safe. He told me he loved me and would never be mad at me. He explicitly asked me if Miss Rylee had touched my boy parts." Zephaniah's smile faltered, his cheeks coloring again. "I started crying, I said yes but got a panic attack, I was afraid he was disappointed in me."

"Dad started crying too, I felt sad for him." He said, his purity showing. "He said it was not right for her to do so, that it wasn't my fault. I had a child psychologist at that time for my autism and epilepsy. Mum and Dad took me to her to talk. They would always stay with me, with Coop, otherwise I wouldn't talk to the strange woman. Well I actually told Cooper everything in their presence. It helped me a lot, Haven. I processed and accepted it but Tara.." Suddenly, tears leaked down his eyes again. He clenched his jaws, looking away.

"She joked about it and it hurts a lot. I've got pain in my wrists." He wiped his face dry, shaking his head. I didn't really understand his connection with the mental pain and the pain in his wrists, but maybe it was his way of processing certain things. Like his parents had told me.

"It was so wrong, Zeph, for Tara to say something like that. I'm so sorry." I choked out helplessly, feeling for him.

Zephaniah played with another strand of hair, drying his face. "I'm okay, Haven. Seriously. I've left it behind me and Dad, Mum, and Coop have helped me so much. I don't know why-" He hesitated, his eyes flickering around. "I miss home, I'm not so good with these trips. I'm sensitive, she brought it up in a wrong way."

"How can I help you feel more secure, Zeph? How can I.. fill in the place that Cooper usually fills in?" I wondered, drying my own, wet cheeks, not fully having recovered from the story he told me. I couldn't get my head around it, part of me was furious. Furious at the caregiver that had the guts to do something to a little boy like him, especially when he suffered with special needs.

"Don't walk on your hands and feet, you don't have- have to bark." Zephaniah chuckled a little, his expression unsure. "It was a joke."

I laughed a little through my tears, wondering where his positivity came from. "I figured."

Zephaniah's expression became serious again, his watery eyes staring at the daisies between us. "Your fascination makes me feel secure." His soft- spoken voice spoke, his eyes glancing at me for a brief moment. "You tell me about Amsterdam, okay? In that way, I can prepare myself for what I can expect. Something I want when- when I go places I don't know."

"You want me to tell more about Amsterdam? That makes you feel more at ease?" I asked, wondering if I had understood him well.

Zephaniah hummed, his still glistening eyes lingering on my cheek. "ABE Club and Lounge?"

"Zeph.." I sighed softly, watching him. "We don't have to go there tonight. We can ask if we can go back to the guest house, have some time for ourselves. You must be tired from today.."

"Swimming always tires out, but in a good way." His eyes squinted a little as his left side of his mouth curled up in a little smile. I meant his shutdown, I meant his secret, but he was thinking about the physical part. It confused me, but wasn't it another example from the different mindsets? Maybe it was better like this, distract him from what had been eating him alive minutes ago.

"Do you really want to go?" I wondered, wanting to protect him in some way.

"If you tell me about it."

I smiled, watching his face light up. "I will. I will, Zeph."

~~~

The secret revealed..

Did you expect this to be it? What are your thoughts on it?

Miss Rylee?

Tara joking about a topic like that??

Zeph and Havens little talk?

Zeph linking mental pain to pain in his wrists? Do you think he subconsciously has a reason for that?

Please tell me your thoughts. I really, really appreciate the comments I keep receiving!!

As well as the votes, feedback, etc ❤️