Haven

"Is he alright? I'm sorry I came over, maybe it's the wrong timing. It totally is, isn't it? I was just really worried.." I hesitated, my eyes eventually finding Hannah's soft, brown ones.

She opened the door a little more, motioning for me to come in. "Don't say sorry, Haven. I'm sure he appreciates it." Once I was in, she closed the door behind me, her eyes lingering on me while I took off my coat and shoes. "Are you alright?"

"No." I felt tears pricking behind my eyes, but I quickly blinked them away, not feeling the need to show my emotions so clearly, when it wasn't about me. "I mean, I laid my hand on his shoulder, I thought it would comfort him but that's when he.. when he flipped. I feel really guilty. I only wanted to help him but- and when he was on the floor I had my arms wrapped around me and-"

"Hey." Hannah briefly stroked my cheek, then pointed at the living room. "Drink something, love."

Taking a few sips of the strawberry lemonade she had prepared me, I took a deep breath, staring up at their family photo's. It must be so hard to see your own son having a meltdown, not being able to calm him down at that very moment. It must be so difficult to know that a meltdown was caused when they lost control of their behaviour due to being overstimulated.

I stared at the little boy with the green eyes, a sheepish smile on his face and not directly looking into the camera.

"Do you want to see him? He's upstairs in his room." Hannah wondered, clearly she had seen me staring at his photo's.

"I don't know.. I don't know if it's the right time. Is he calm? I did a stupid thing, maybe he's mad-"

"Haven," Hannah frowned lightly and quickly shook her head. "Don't think that way. He gets in some sort of daze while having a meltdown. You shouldn't take it personal. He probably didn't even know who touched him. He's just really sensitive, will hit or kick anyone around him. He doesn't really.. know. Besides, holding him so close to you was a good thing to do.. he calms down that way."

"Really?" I said, hopefully. I had read that before, but who knew? Everybody was unique, everybody experienced it differently.

"Really." Hannah smiled. We stayed silent for a while, but we could hear a soft voice coming from upstairs. "He's singing. He does that to calm down. Usually the song his dad wrote him when he was little. Zayn used to sing that to him when he was having panic attacks, or when he wasn't feeling well. Did you know Zephaniah used to be on a boy's choir?"

I couldn't help but smile, wanting to hear his voice better. "No way, really? Goodness, that must've been the cutest thing to watch." I chuckled, staring at another photo now. Zephaniah looked older, but still innocent. He must've been around twelve years old at that time. His cheeks were flushed red, his head slightly tilted to the left side, half of his mouth curled up in a small smile. He was crouched down beside Cooper, who looked as calm as always.

"You should accompany him." Hannah stood up from her chair and gave me a soft smile. "We already talked, he should be fine. And if he doesn't want it, he'll make that clear in a way. I need to call his dad."

"Alright, thanks Hannah."

"No worries, love." She answered, then left to the office Zephaniah and I had printed something last time we studied at his house.

Walking upstairs, my thoughts went back to the morning at school. Tara had specifically told me to stay out of his space- he didn't have a good day. I had hesitated a lot- Tara had lied before, after all. But he had looked so tired, so isolated that I decided to leave him be for a while, only to give him space.

I still didn't know if that was the right thing to do, because things had escalated quickly after. I wondered if he had heard me telling Tara to shut up, if he had seen me blocking Luke so he had hit me as roughly as he had hit Zephaniah. I wondered if he noticed that I had been crouched down beside him for as long as it took Hannah to get him.

I wondered if he wanted me in his room at this very moment.

Swallowing, I knocked two times, silently waiting after that. He didn't seem to have heard it. His soft voice kept singing an unfamiliar song- he never hit a note wrongly. He had hummed before, but this sound was something else, something I'd never expected him to have, it was melodic, beautifully tuned.

Taking a deep breath, I simply opened his door and entered his room, his singing stopping instantly. Traces of where the tears had rolled down were still visible, in fact, they looked fresh, as if he had never stopped crying. His green eyes were brighter than ever due to the glistening, his cheeks flushed pink.

He focused back on something that was displaying on his laptop, after he had glanced at me. He was lied down in bed, the covers covering him up to his chest. His hair was dampened, the fringe falling over his eyebrows. It smelled fresh in his room and he wore different clothes.

Closing the door behind me, I slowly walked over to him, staring at the screen. "Hi, Zeph." He didn't answer, fresh tears rolling down his cheeks, even though he tried to dry them off as quickly. It hurt my heart to see, I wondered what was going through his mind.

"What are you watching?" I hesitated, not knowing if asking if he was alright was a right thing to do at this moment.

"Documentary about- about dogs." He hiccuped slightly, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater. "I love dogs, a lot. I still do- do so much. I want to blurt out dog facts like I did when I was little all the time but- but I hold myself back. People said it's stupid. It's my fascination, okay? Cooper means the world to me. It gives me comfort and rest."

Tears brimmed in the corner of my eyes, wondering how much energy that must've taken him to hold such things back, knowing when somebody would start talking about Amsterdam- my fascination, they would have to tape my mouth to stop me from talking.

"You do?" I tried to smile, but glanced at the screen of his laptop when I failed to do so, his state making me feel extremely sad, mostly for him himself.

"Not obvious?" He smiled sadly, pointing at his wallpaper. I looked around me, realising this wasn't the room we had studied in. Perhaps, it was the room of his parents. His walls were light blue, with in the middle of it a border with black outlines of dogs on it, several breeds. One wall was completely black, I recognized the chalk paint. He didn't have much dog accessories, although I noticed a moving box with a lot of dog things stuffed inside of it.

"It's sweet." I answered genuinely, standing up to softly touch the borders after that. Zephaniah watched me as I did so, soft sobs being heard sometimes, he covered them up by coughing. "I'd love to hear some facts, anywhere, even when we're at school."

Tears kept rolling down his cheeks, he moved his attention back to his laptop. It made me feel sad, I wanted to make him feel better, but I didn't know how. Sitting down on his bed, I simply stared at him, trying to hold myself back from embracing him. Who knew how sensitive he would be feeling at this moment?

Zephaniah sobbed quietly, his eyes trained onto the documentary still. "When I was little I learned that tears come when you are sad. I am sad. They taught me how- how to express certain emotions, why would I hide it now?"

I smiled at that. "It's good to express your emotions, I think."

Zephaniah hummed shortly, but he ended up humming a soft song after that.

"Zeph? I'm so sorry." I breathed out, crossing my legs for as far as possible, his bed wasn't that big, after all. "I'm sorry for what Tara said, I'm sorry for Luke and I'm sorry that you were overstimulated."

"Not your fault, okay?" He said quietly, stroking Cooper's back with his bare toes. "Cooper has.. Cooper has colon cancer." He tugged at his hair in great sadness, more silent tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Oh, Zeph." I choked out, helplessly sitting on his bed. He was clearly too sensitive to be touched, no matter how bad I wanted to hug him at this very moment. "Oh, Zeph, I'm so sorry."

Zephaniah started singing again, probably the song Hannah told me about because I didn't know it, and it was about a father and his son. About how he would protect him through everything, how those little boy's needed their fathers because the world was a cruel place, how he would be there for him, to hold him before he could fall.

"I don't want to- want to talk about it, anymore. Mama did." Zephaniah said quietly, carefully glancing at me to make sure he hadn't hurt me with his comment.

"That's more than okay, Zeph. I understand." I said, swallowing away the lump that had formed in my throat. Cooper, his everything.

"You can lie down beside me." He said, his eyes still trained onto his laptop, his hand slowly opening the covers for me.

My eyes widened slightly, a small frown appearing on my forehead. "Uhm, are your parents okay with that?"

"With what?" He asked, confusion written in his eyes. He most likely experienced this differently. He didn't think of this as something intimate, like I did. I didn't know if that thought relieved or disappointed me, but I accepted his offer anyway, and lied down beside him.

Zephaniah reached for his covers, softly laying them on top of me. We were close, extremely close. I was in his personal space, but he didn't seem to mind it. Wasn't he sensitive at this moment? Could I hug him?

I was so confused about my feelings.

"I'm tired, Haven. Mentally, I mean. I could just sleep if- if it was physically, of course." He added quickly, giving me an unsure expression, as if he was afraid I wouldn't understand it. "I am in bed."

His purity made me smile, but his words made me sad.

"How comes, Zeph?" I asked, slightly looking down as my head was against the headboard of his bed, his head just reaching the bottom of his pillow.

"Tired being autistic." He shrugged, the both of us staring at the dogs that were swimming, saving someone's life. "That's how I feel, sometimes." He pointed at the actor that was 'drowning', the dogs barking and swimming as fast as they could. "Trying to keep up with everything and- and everyone. Sometimes it looks like I'm perfectly fine, between others. In fact I'm fighting so hard not to drown, to keep my head above the water. Every difficulty or abnormality I notice from myself I will- I will try to cover and correct right away. I cross my borders a lot, people telling me to ignore the things that overstimulate me because I am ex- exaggerating. They teach me to ignore your own signals, to simply get over things and to not listen to your body."

"I just want to be normal." He whispered, his eyes still focused on his screen.

Intensely listening to his words, I couldn't help but think of Archie, Dad's friends. The fear suddenly crept upon my body, but my mind stayed clear. "You know what? I don't want you to be."

"Why?" Zephaniah frowned, glancing at me.

"You know, neurotypical ones might think the way their world revolves is the way everybody's world should be revolving, but I don't believe that. We need the diversity in this world, the different perspectives, the uniqueness of people." I spoke out my thoughts, staring up at his ceiling. I noticed a glow in the dark dog sticker stuck to it.

Zephaniah stayed quiet for a while, perhaps to process my spoken words. "Why does the world need that?"

"Imagine. What if we would all be normal, have the same perspectives, no one is even a tiny bit different from one another. Man, the world would look extremely boring, with a bunch of robots walking around, doing what they're supposed to do. We need the different perspectives, Zeph. People need other people to look up to, to teach them, to admire them.

"He thinks about it that way? That's interesting. Why do I think about it this way? How can I change my mindset in order to reach more of those around me?" I quoted, hoping I made sense to him. "That girl is way too chatty, maybe I could tell stories in a different rambling way, more content, less useless words." I pointed at myself, chuckling a bit.

Zephaniah seemed thoughtful, he glanced at me before speaking up again. "Do people- do people say that about you?"

"That I'm too chatty? Oh, for sure. In High School many girls found me annoying because I talked so much. Got suspended quite a lot, just because I couldn't stop talking in class." Looking down at Zephaniah, I admired him when he looked up, his eyes wide.

"You got- you got suspended?" He gulped, unbelief written in his eyes.

"Yeah, Zeph. Being me may seem easier to you, but every characteristic has its own pros and cons, trust me. Being chatty isn't everything either." I elaborated, hoping to make him feel a little bit better about himself. "Embrace your quietness, Zeph. There are people who admire that from you, like I do."

Zephaniah chewed onto his cheek, his attention back to the dogs. "I do not know how to accept myself if nobody- nobody around me does."

His words hit me, but I tried not to show it. Did he really feel that way? "I do, Zeph. Your parents and family do, my family does. Isn't that all what matters?"

"I guess." He whispered, closing his laptop and closing his eyes as he rested his head onto his pillow. I watched him for a while, my heart thumping loudly in my chest when he brought his hand up to my face.

He softly played with a strand of my hair, twirling it around his finger, intensely watching the tips of it, all the way up to where it had once started growing. I snuggled a little deeper into his covers, so he could reach my hair better.

I searched for his eyes, but they wouldn't look at me.

"Zephaniah? You'll embrace it one day. I know that. You'll get to see how beautiful you are, how your autism doesn't define you, but is a part of you." I whispered, feeling how he added another strand to the one he was already playing with. "You'll bloom, Zeph. You'll bloom. In your own way, at your own time. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that."

~~~

So.. now you know the reason..

Coop? :(

Zephaniah coping n his own way?

Haven comforting zeph? Not wanting him to be "normal"?

Let me know your thoughts!! Much much love, H. X
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