Zephaniah

Numbness.

One, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four, five.

My eyes flickered open, I glanced at the time. I didn't want to go, but I had to. Important information would be given today, and if I'd miss that, the trip to another country would be even more stressful for me.

Taking off my noise reducing headphones when Dad stood next to the couch, I looked up at him, briefly making eye contact.

"Zeph, you don't have to go. The news.. well," Dad sighed sadly, he scratched Cooper's head. I swallowed, stared at his big brown eyes. Would he feel it? "It was overwhelming, you're upset."

Blinking my eyes faster, they averted to the floor, tracing the pattern of the laminating. "I have to." I whispered, standing up. Snatching my backpack from the table, I simply walked over to the car after kissing Cooper's head several times.

"Wear those today, okay? It's fine." Dad said quietly, pointing at the headphones that weren't for music. The ones I wore when things were too busy, too loud, especially when I was close to feeling overstimulated. It was my little escape in the hallways, in classes, in places I actually didn't want to be at.

Nodding, I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to focus on anything else than the news the phone call had given us. I tugged at my hair that was on the back of my head. Twirling the strand, pulling and tugging. I was sensitive, it hurt me but I kept going, needing to focus on something else.

"Don't hurt yourself, Zephaniah." Dad's voice sounded sad and when I opened my eyes and glanced at him, I was almost certain I could confirm that he actually was sad. His bigger hand covered mine, slowly removing them from my hair.

He held it softly, only letting go of it when he needed to switch gears. I let him hold it, it made me feel safer in this insecure situation, where my life could go anywhere without certainty. Like a dog that was desperately searching for his owner after he had abandoned him without a proper warning.

Because you attach- and dogs were one of the specific kind of animals that stayed loyal to their human beings, no matter what. For moments I wondered if dogs or humans were luckier in certain situations. If we ended up losing them, we'd usually exactly know why. The truth could destroy us, but couldn't we accept and process it better, afterwards?

Dogs knew they were missing someone, and they grieved, but they'd never think how or where or when or why. They simply didn't have the ability to, which made me wonder if it would be easier for them to process certain things.

One, two, three, four, five.

"We're here, Zeph." Baba whispered, dragging me out of my thoughts.

"Did you know dogs curl up to keep themselves warm and so they can protect their vital organs?" I blurted out, blinking away the tears that had appeared in my eyes. "When I- when I have stomach ache I do the same. Do we protect ourselves from the pain or because the pain wouldn't be able to damage something- something inside? Bye, Dad." Whispering, I kissed the corner of his mouth, my lips lingering on there for a long time.

"Zephaniah, stay home, please." Dad stroked my cheek when I had pulled away. "You're so upset."

"I'll see Haven and tell her about the cream puffs I really- I really liked." I swallowed, not knowing myself if I was even able to talk to somebody today.

Dad stared at me, he seemed so sad. It made me worried, I wondered if he was okay. "If you're having a rough time, stay with mum in the library, okay? I can make a call to William if you'd like, just so he knows.. that your mind can be somewhere else today?"

"Isn't it always?" I choked out, recovering. "Bye, Baba."

I flinched when I came outside the car. Everything was extremely loud today, even louder than I normally experienced, which was already louder than neurotypical people heard. The cars, the students, the honks, the bell, the chatter, the breeze, the birds, the footsteps, the keys that rattled, books being piled up out of somebody's bag, friends cheering, somebody whistling, girls taking photo's with their flashes on, the sound of the click boring into my ears.

Placing my headphones on top of my head, I adjusted my beanie after that, pulling up the hood of my white and dark blue striped hoodie. I made the strings the same length, stared at my feet as I walked, probably ignored some peers- but they wouldn't greet me anyways, so would it be called ignoring if they already ignored me?

Somebody touched me, I whimpered. If I would be a dog right now, I'd definitely have my tail in between my legs. I wanted to go to Mum, or back to Dad, but I needed to listen to the information. Somebody touched me again, I whimpered again.

"Zeph!" She must've been screaming now that I heard it. Never underestimate those headphones.

Looking up, I saw Tara in front of me. I stared at her and when she wanted to take off my headphones, I simply pushed her away with only half of my strength. I took them off myself.

We were in class, I hadn't realised I'd been walking the right way the whole time.

"Are you alright?" She whispered, her eyes stood worried, I wondered why.

"I'm fine." I took a seat at the back of the class, left corner. It was a single seat, not too close to the other peers. William stared at me, I could feel it, but I didn't want to look up.

Class was filling up soon, everyone took a seat, nobody near me. For once in my life, I was thankful for that. Haven sat next to Tara, she must've decided to stop being my friend after I had been to her house. I was strange, I knew that, everybody told me that.

William motioned for me to take off my headphones, so I did. I fiddled with my fingers after that, being aware of the few eyes that were on me.

"Alright, alright. Today we're talking about our trip to Amsterdam, which is only a few weeks away now. The program paper booklets are ready, I'll hand them to you guys in a bit. We'll discuss the days, then I'd like to make groups for the host families you guys will be staying in." William explained, handing out the paper booklets with information for the trip.

Once he was at my table, he leaned his hands onto them, looking into my eyes, which I never fully returned. "Are you alright, bud?"

I simply nodded my head, staring at the photo of Amsterdam, that was printed onto the cover. Quickly flipping through the pages, I was relieved when he let me be and walked away, trying to gain everybody's attention.

"Okay, class, we'll start with the program. So on the first day, which is on Friday, we will.."

I trailed off already, my attention being long gone. The news was the only thing on my mind, I couldn't think of anything else. Tracing my finger on the words I had written in my notebook a few days ago, I couldn't help but press my finger on it so hard, that it started to hurt.

I kept pressing and pressing, but stopped when William called my name. It startled me, but apparently he was calling out groups. "I was thinking, you could make groups on your own. Most families have place for four to five students, some for six. Don't exclude some of your peers, please." William raised his eyebrows, staring at some of my classmates.

"Stand up, make a group, have fun."

Everybody stood up, I reached for my headphones. Their chatter was loud, the shoving of the chairs even louder. William stopped me, though, carefully grabbing my headphones before I could actually put them on. "Do you want to make groups first?"

"No." I answered truthfully, avoiding eye contact.

"You have to, Zephaniah. You have a choice now, if you don't use it, I'll randomly place you with some peers." He threatened. Well, it sounded like a threat to me, but maybe he didn't mean it like that.

Sighing a little, I swallowed and eyed the room, noticing that groups had formed already. I didn't know where to go. Part of me wanted to be with Haven, but she was standing with Norah and Tara. I glanced at her, she was already looking at me. She waved me over, but I was hesitant.

Eventually, I decided to go and stood near them, but didn't fully include myself. I kept staring at the floor, I wasn't sure if Haven had greeted me, but if she did, I hadn't heard it. Tara was being busy with Luke, glued to his side as if they were together already.

William sighed deeply, some of the peers were being difficult, apparently. "Guys, I take it back. This isn't going to work. You're going with your study group."

"No!" Tara yelled out, making me frown at her, her screeching voice hurting my ears. She recovered, took a deep breath and pointed at me. "He's autistic! He needs someone he knows around him." She glanced at Luke, that's when Dad's words from days ago became clear to me.

The class became quiet, everybody stared at me. I looked up at Tara and something started raging deep inside of me. I didn't know if they were emotions, feelings, or the autism. I didn't know anything at this moment other than how I disliked Tara. How she always used other people to get things for herself in return. How she used my difficulties to get her attention, from Luke, specifically.

"He's autistic?!" Luke frowned, a grin appearing on his face after that. "Well, if that isn't fun."

I didn't look at him, I was still staring at Tara. One touch, one sound, one word.

One, two, three, four, five.

One, two, three, four, five.

"Is that true? Do you prefer being around someone you know?" William asked quietly, I hadn't noticed he came to stand beside me. He rested his hand on my shoulder, I roughly shook it off, stepping closer to Tara.

"Why would you say that?" I whispered, genuinely confused. She knew I disliked to be labeled, she knew how much I disliked it to be seen as the autistic one, when I wanted to be just Zephaniah. She knew everything about me, which was probably something that should've been prevented, as she used things against me, for herself.

Dad said people would do anything just to gain the attention of the person he or she would truly love. I didn't understand the association when I had told him about Tara's behaviour. I surely did now. Tara hadn't acted the way she did at the beginning because she was nervous for University, she just wanted Luke's attention. And I had been the dupe of it, as usual. Oblivious fool.

Tara stared right back at me, it made me feel uncomfortable. "It's true, Zephaniah. You won't be around your parents, how can you crawl back to them when you're feeling homesick?" She was annoyed, I became furious.

One, two, three, four, five.

One, two, three, four, five.

I looked up, trying to calm myself down, but the lights were bright, hurting my eyes. My peers whispered, Luke grinned, somebody uncapped its water bottle, someone else clicking his pen. Tara's eyes still bored into mine and when somebody rested their hand on my shoulder again, the news coming back into my mind, I lost it.

I started screaming, hitting, kicking. Roughly shoving the table against Tara, I heard her let out a cry of pain, but I kept going. I started hitting her head, slapping until my hands felt numb. I shoved her chair away, she fell onto the floor. I kicked and kicked and kicked, until somebody shoved me onto the floor, a heavy feeling appearing in my stomach once his foot came in contact with it.

"You can never hit a girl! Do you understand that?!" Luke screamed into my ear, I whimpered. He started kicking me back, hitting every spot my body could possibly have. "Didn't your mum and dad raise you?! You're insane!"

"He doesn't have a mum!" Tara cried, clutching her arm. "His dad taught him to hit women, he hates them!"

I stuffed my fingers into my ears, started screaming louder and louder, until my voice gave up on me. The kicking had stopped, but everything had faded out, including the loud noises. I only heard my own, hoarse voice, the crying, the screaming of my own. I couldn't calm down, couldn't get out of my meltdown.

Until somebody's arms were wrapped around me.

~~~

Zeph.. :(

What do you think the news could've been?!

Tara's words? Zephaniah's meltdown in response?

Just the chapter overall?

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