Haven

I couldn't stop smiling, the happiness that was flowing through my body was comparable to the tiny waves that appeared, out of nowhere, in the lake that was in front of us. Every time I glanced at him, my lips would curl up naturally.

His soft- spoken voice, though, naturally deep, made me love the way he had opened up and talked so much. I could listen to him for hours. His simple way of speaking, even though I knew his mind went much deeper at times.

I didn't know where he had gotten the courage from to speak so much, but I'd hoped he would always feel this way around me from now on. I couldn't get enough of his speaking and stories, his elaboration when it came to his autism.

We'd been quiet for a while now, both silently enjoying the crisps. Our hands touched sometimes, I couldn't deny the same old flutter that would appear in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't really understand why it was already present.

Sometimes he would reach down for the straw and take a sip of the iced coffee, his hands in his lap as he, apparently, didn't like touching the cup. It would make smile, it would make me feel warm, just to see how pure he was at the moment, how he was himself.

He sometimes swallowed his crisps down while his lips were parted, muscles in his face would pull slightly, his eyes staring into the greatest unknown. I wondered what he was thinking about, because as soon as he got lost into it- he'd only come out of it minutes later.

"Buddy," I whispered to Cooper, who immediately started to lick my hands, making me chuckle. "He's such a sweetheart."

Zephaniah looked down at his dog, smiling. "Yeah."

"Must be nice to have him around you, when you don't have siblings, yeah?" I wondered, looking up at him.

Zephaniah nodded, the brightness of the sun onto the lake, reflecting in his green eyes. He swallowed, then fiddled with his hands. His right one eventually managed to flap a few times, I wondered if I'd made him uncomfortable.

Please, not now. It was going so well.

Suddenly, he took something out of the pocket of his jacket, staring at it. "Haven I- I'm sorry, I lied." He stammered, not making eye contact.

"What do you mean?" I wondered, frowning slightly.

He laid something down onto my leg, pulling at his fingers as he nervously played with them. "I said- I said I didn't have a sibling but.. but mum is pregnant."

Carefully picking the ultrasound up, my eyes lingered on the photo for a while, a small smile playing on my lips. "Precious," I whispered, staring at the baby, that was still so little. "You didn't know, Zeph. Why would you say you lied?"

Zephaniah stared up at the sky, his tongue rolling over his upper lip. "Because it had been there?"

"But you didn't know." I said, my voice becoming softer. Was he actually thinking he lied, just because the baby had been there when he didn't even know it yet? How much did he overthink? It made me feel slightly sad, how would he ever go to sleep at night with his thinking?

Zephaniah shook his head, still fiddling with his fingers. His eyes lingered onto the ultrasound, his expression turned slightly melancholic, it made me wonder why. "So, this is why Hannah- your mum was sick?"

He nodded and briefly glanced at me, "They could not tell earlier, it was too early, mum said."

"Yeah, perhaps." I answered slowly, brushing my finger over the slightly crooked photo. Probably from being in his jacket for a while. "Do you like it? That you're getting a brother or sister? I've always wanted a little brother or sister!"

Zephaniah stayed quiet for an awfully long time, his eyes glued to the lake once again. His slim, long fingers were still fiddling, faster now, his eyes blinking. It made me think of the first time with our coaching hour. He hadn't done much differently.

"You don't have to tell me, Zeph. It's okay." I said, wondering if I had asked him something too personal.

Zephaniah shook his head and gave me a sad smile as he glanced at me. "I want to, but.."

I gave him time, I gave him space, as I always tried to do.

Suddenly, he scooted closer to me and stared at the ultrasound again. I was still holding it, but that didn't stop him from tracing the baby with his finger, slowly, but neatly. "I'm scared, is all."

"Why are you scared, if you don't mind me asking?" I wondered, looking at him.

He parted his lips, clearly trying to think of an answer. "I was alone, always. It has been dad and I for so long, then mum and it was- it was like that for so many years."

Dad and I, then mum. It made me confused, but I kept my mouth shut.

"Don't know if-" He stopped, his eyes roaming all over the area as he was searching for words. "I do not know if I will like it. I don't know what it's like, after all, okay? I have to experience it to form an opinion about something, sometimes. Hope you get me.."

"Yeah, I do." I smiled at him, he breathed out through his parted lips, as if it was in relief.

It encouraged him to talk further, "Am just scared they will love him or her more. It's their first child." He said, his voice sounding extremely melancholic, which made me want to hold him into my embrace, but he'd just told me sudden touches sometimes hurt him.

"Their first child?" I blurted out, wanting to slap myself right after.

Zephaniah's eyes widened, and he visibly gulped.

"You don't have to tell me, it's okay." I said quickly, clearly noticing the topic did something to his feelings. Curiosity had gotten ahead of me, again.

"It's okay, Haven." He said quietly, staring at the grass beneath him. "Mum Hannah isn't my biological mum, but I do not like talking about it, okay? Because people will think differently of it, but I don't. Hannah is my mum, the best mum someone could've ever wished for, actually."

It made sense. Her young appearance, his words at times. It made me even more curious, but as he had just told me he didn't like talking about it- I bit my tongue to prevent myself from asking more questions, such as what had happened to his biological mum.

"I understand you, people judge a lot, don't they?" I asked him, wondering who had hurt him so much. It was visible that he was suffering at times, which made me want to take away all of his pain and difficulties, to make things more bearable for him.

He nodded and placed a soft kiss on Cooper's head. "Cooper doesn't. But, that is why I'm scared the most. Baba loves her so much, and I do too, okay? But, like, I'm not her child," he squinted his eyes and pulled a face, as if he was offended by his own comment. "I'm sorry, mum always says I am her child, I know she loves me but still.."

"I get you, Zephaniah. It's their first child together as in blood and flesh, but listen carefully, okay?" I said, a smile appearing on my face when Zephaniah looked straight into my eyes, his green ones full of hope. "Sometimes, it doesn't even matter if you're not someone's blood and flesh, sometimes it doesn't matter if you're not someone's biological child. Some people just have it in them, you know? This immense love they have, even for people that were once strangers. I'm so sure that they will never love the baby more than you. Don't even think that, okay? No, you're not Hannah's blood and flesh, but you are still her child, and you'll always be, no matter what." I told him truthfully, hoping he'd understand, even if I didn't know what had happened years ago.

Zephaniah stared into my eyes again, deeply. "You think so?" He looked away after a brief moment, the intense eye contact flustering his cheeks.

"I know so, really." I gave him a warm smile, which he returned, the left side of his mouth curled up slightly more than the right side.

"Let's finish the crisps." I smiled, pointing at bag that had been untouched for a while.

Zephaniah hummed, stuffed the photo back into his jacket and continued to eat the crisps. I was sure he had eaten two- thirds of the bag, but I didn't mind, at all.

Suddenly, his phone vibrated. Stuffing a crisp into my mouth, I watched him as he fished his phone out of the pocket of his trousers, the screen lightly lightning up his face. "Oh," he blushed a little, glancing at me. "Dad is asking where I am. Concerned, I think."

I smiled, realising how loving his parents were towards him, "Do you have to go home?"

Zephaniah slightly squinted his eyes as he was in thoughts, checking the time. "I think he is fine with it, he- I never walk as long as now." He typed something down and pressed on send, then glanced at me again.

"What do you do after Uni, Zeph?" I wondered genuinely. "Like, when you get home?"

"I eat snacks." He answered after a brief moment, his eyes on my cheek for a while.

"And then?" I chuckled softly, feeling amused. "Like, how do you spend the afternoon and evening until you go to sleep?"

"Oh," he chuckled lightly, thinking about it for a while. "Eat snacks, lie down on the couch, assignments for Uni, uhm, walk Cooper but sometimes after dinner, dinner, sometimes watch television with dad or play a game or help mum with the dishes, listen to music, play with Cooper and will go upstairs at nine thirty then do my thing, shower, and sleep at ten,"

Detailed answer, it made me smile, as if I couldn't do anything else whilst being in his presence. "You always sleep at ten?"

Zephaniah nodded, his bright green eyes suddenly staring into my eyes. "For my epilepsy. If I don't sleep enough or well it can trigger a seizure."

"Oh, wow." I frowned sadly, observing his expression, "I didn't know. Does it scare you sometimes that you can get seizures out of nowhere?"

"Is okay." He shrugged, licking his fingers as the bag of crisps was now empty. "Used to it. I was diagnosed when I was three, sometimes I feel it coming? Cooper will be restless and I will have this tight headache. Usually I will be prepared. But, if not I will not know until I wake up."

"Yeah, I get it." I didn't know what to say, which was rare for me. Just knowing how much he was going through since such a young age, it made me quiet. My life seemed so easy compared to his, which was unfair to me. If only I could give him an extra shoulder he could shove his burdens upon, to lighten it for him.

He stood up and wiped the grass and ground off his bum, Cooper immediately standing at his feet. "I have to go, Haven. I will not be on time, sorry."

"No worries, Zeph." I smiled and copied his action, carefully wiping off my dress. I stood in front of him, he was slightly taller than me, so he briefly looked down. "Hey, I really enjoyed talking to you. It was really fun. Thank you for opening up to me, your words are safe with me, yeah?"

Zephaniah simply gave me a tiny smile, slowly nodding his head.

"Alright, I guess I'll see you on Monday." I said, trying to deny the disappointed feeling that appeared in my guts.

"Library moment?" He wondered quietly, his voice soft- spoken.

"Yeah," I felt warm. "Library moment, of course. Goodnight, Zephaniah."

"Bye, Haven." He clutched the leash to his stomach and turned around, the soft thuds of his footsteps disappearing. I watched him for as long as it took him to get out of sight, then collected our trash and threw it away, walking home with a smile on my face myself.

Once I got home, I greeted mum and dad, my smile still present. "Hi, mum and dad!" Taking off my shoes, I glanced at the clock, gulping when I realised I'd been gone for hours.

"Where have you been?" Jude barged in, slowly raising his eyebrows.

"At the lake, reading." I shrugged, not feeling like telling them. They'd only tease, but who knew if it would ever become reality? I didn't want to get my hopes up.

"The autism book?" Jude rested his hands on my shoulders, shaking my body lightly.

I pushed him away, furrowing my eyebrows, "Jude, please." I groaned, "And, yeah. Sort of? I mean, I got to learn a lot, this evening. Like more than there's written in that book, perhaps. Not that I'm making any sense now, but I sort of do."

Jude blinked as he stared at me. Turning his face to my parents, he threw his hands up. "See, this is what I mean when I wonder if she's really my sister! What the heck is she, even? You're weird."

"Thanks," I grinned, poking his stomach. "Well, I'm going to sleep, I think. Pretty tired, hope you don't mind? I was just reading at the lake, I mean it! It just made me sleepy." I rambled, not wanting to be suspicious, though, my words probably made everything ten times more suspicious than it already was.

"It's whatever, Haven, really." Mum chuckled, ruffling my hair. I gave her a sheepish smile.

After I had kissed my parents goodnight, I walked straight upstairs, brushed my teeth, washed my face and braided my hair before I fell flat face onto the bed. Zephaniah had, again, surprised me so much today that a smile curled upon my lips again.

Snuggling into the duvets, I was wondering what he was doing at this very moment. Glancing at the clock, I noticed it was past ten. Perhaps, he was sleeping now.

His conversation replayed into my head, suddenly making me feel so sad. He had so much strength, knowing what he was struggling with, suffering from and how he'd still opened up so much this afternoon.

Dad was right, accepting and respecting really was the best way to treat and help people.

Maybe, especially him.

~~~

Another update alreadyyyy. More zaven...

What do you think of it so far?

Haven's personality?

Zeph's growth or do you not see any of it?

Let me know!! Much love H