Zephaniah

My eyes scanned the sentences that were scattered over the back of the book, my cheeks warming up as I knew they were waiting for me to, somehow, react to this. Truth was, I never knew how to react whilst being given something.

I was thankful, of course I was, but once those words would left my mouth, it'd never sound secure. Brushing my finger over the material of the paperback, I stared at the German Shepherd that was drawn in the right corner of the book.

The sentence was messily placed right over it, the white, bright letters bothering me as it sort of ruined the photo of the dog. "What do you think of it?" Uncle Samuel asked, sitting down beside me on the couch. "It's fine if you don't like it, it just made me think of you when I saw it displayed at the book store," he chuckled, reading the back of it himself.

"It is quite cool," I brought out, smiling genuinely as I briefly looked at him. "Thank you," I stammered out, warmth probably radiating off my face. Because, although I tried to suppress my dog obsession, which I never did when I was little- I'd never lose my immense love for them.

"No worries, Zeph! Jael and Phebe said I had to buy it for you, it looked like Cooper after all." He grinned, referring to his eight and six years old daughters, my cousins.

"Oh," I chuckled, briefly glancing at the two, dark brown haired girls that were giggling at Cooper as he tried to lick their faces. "You didn't have to, you know?"

Uncle Samuel shrugged, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, "Anything for my nephew. Hey, tell me your mum has made fries."

"Mum has made-" I stopped, suddenly realising he didn't mean it in that way. He meant to say that he would've wanted her to. "Uhm, dad wanted to barbecue," I said sheepishly, hoping not to have disappointed him in any way.

"Oh, nothing is better than a perfect grilled piece of meat," Uncle Samuel licked his lips, wiggling his eyebrows at me. I chuckled again, feeling comfortable around his presence. Perhaps, being in mum's side of family and some of my dad's family presence was where I was most comfortable.

Mostly because I knew they wouldn't judge, even if my mind still told otherwise sometimes. I had been growing up in their environment as well as they'd been through some phases of my life.

They knew me, I knew them.

Grandpa David and Uncle Samuel had welcomed us in their life when things were difficult for dad and mum, at a time where no one was really there for my father. The warmth from the first day where I had met them was still and always present, engulfing dad and I like a big hug.

That was mumma's family. Thoughtful, welcoming, loving and warmth.

I think Uncle Samuel and Aunt Ruth got married not long after mum and dad. I cannot quite remember how their day went, though, do remember that they also had loads of cake, chocolate specifically for me.

"Zeph? Hello, Zephaniah!" Jael sounded impatient, giggling softly when I got snapped out of my trance, suddenly finding my eldest cousin on my lap. "Phebe asked if she could paint Cooper's nails?"

"Uhm," I frowned, staring at Phebe who was staring at me with a wide smile on her face, small teeth with a gap in the middle showing. "Uhm, I-" My mind couldn't quite comprehend her question, the association with animals and nail polish not being there yet.

Jael stayed quiet, her dark brown eyes curiously fixed upon my face. It dawned to me a while later, knowing she just wanted to color Cooper's nails.

"We can ask if Auntie Hannah has nail polish and we will lay his paw down onto a kitchen towel! If that's okay with you, Zephy, I can do it very neatly! I practiced on Phebe," she grabbed her younger sister's hand and showed it to me.

The blue colour was extremely bright, almost hurting my eyes in some ways. I swallowed, being bothered by the fact that it wasn't neat at all. The liquid had dried beside her nails as well, some parts being scraped off.

"Please, Zephy," She pouted, bringing her face close to mine. I couldn't help but laugh, softly pushing her away as she was a little too close to speak properly.

"I will ask mama- auntie Hannah for nail polish, okay." I said softly, not wanting to hurt her feelings if I'd say no. I still wasn't entirely sure about the whole idea, but if it brought them happiness, I wouldn't ever dare to say opposite.

She squealed loudly and I accidentally flinched away, wanting to hit myself for being so overdramatic, highly sensitive- perhaps. "We will get the nail salon ready, okay? Thanks, Zeph!"

Nail salon? What nail salon? Glancing at my cousins, I started fiddling with my fingers as I stepped outside our house, inside the backyard where dad, mum, uncle Samuel, aunt Ruth and grandpa David were seated.

Baba was preparing the barbecue with uncle Samuel, mum, aunt Ruth and grandpa David engrossed in a conversation, until they noticed me.

"What's up, Zeph?" Mum said softly, her light brown eyes twinkling as her hand rested on her stomach, making mine twirl. She was so happy.

"Uhm, can I- can I have your nail polish. Want to paint Cooper's nails," I mumbled out, my eyes averting to the structured tiles, satisfying and calming me as I somehow felt nervous, everyone looking at me due to my question.

Mum didn't answer, it was baba who reacted to my question. "What?" He chuckled softly, all of their eyes on me.

I blushed furiously, trying to make up a reason, but I couldn't. I didn't want to tell them that Jael had asked me, because I knew out of experience how much I hated it when kids did that to me.

They'd ask me if I wanted anything to eat, and if I said yes- they went over to their parents telling them that I wanted crisps and candy, so they had more chance of getting it. It'd given me anxiety so many times before, I had nearly cried each time they did it to me.

They basically used me to get something because I was afraid of saying no when I was little, though, mum, dad and Cooper had helped me with that part a lot during those years that I grew up. But on moments like these, seeing those girls in front of me, I couldn't say it.

I didn't know for how long I had stayed silent, until Jael broke it. "We wanted to paint Cooper's nails! Zephy said it was okay! Can we borrow your nail polish, Auntie Hannah?"

"Oh, girls," Aunt Ruth sighed, softly shaking her head. "I don't think that's a very good idea. It's very sweet of Zephaniah to say yes, but I don't think Cooper will be very happy," she gave me a wink, I gave her a small smile back, secretly feeling thankful and relieved.

"Aw!" Phebe pouted, "Mama, can we paint yours, then?"

"Well, I don't think I have a choice," she mumbled, making all of us chuckle.

As my cousins got to work after mum had retrieved some nail polish, I sat down next to her, wanting to rest my head onto her shoulder- but held myself back, fiddling with my fingers instead. Uncle Samuel gained my attention, as he snapped his fingers, making me look up.

"You don't have to say yes to please them, Zeph," he said, making me feel lost for a while, until I realised he was talking about his daughters and their question. "They can handle a no, really."

"Oh," I nodded, glancing at dad, who was softly smiling at me. "I didn't want to disappoint them."

"You don't always have to please other people, Zeph. You know that, yeah? Pleasing others often leads to losing yourself, and you don't want that." Dad explained, ruffling my hair as I stood in between them to stare at the meat that was being grilled.

The redness turned into grey and brown, the fresh scent of slight blood turning to baked and grilled goods, satisfying my nose and appetite. "How.. how do you do it, baba?" I wondered, looking up at him.

"It's a process, Zeph. You need to take it step by step. We're here to help you, yeah? Mumma, Uncle Sam, the rest of our family and I. Always," he answered softly, pinching my cheek. I frowned at him and let out a soft chuckle.

"Okay," I hesitated, not sure if I even wanted to try because it meant getting out of my comfort zone again, and that was perhaps, the only thing I had done the most in my whole entire life.

"Sometimes even new people you meet. At Uni, maybe," Baba shrugged, flipping the meat. The loud, sussing, noise made me shiver, a small 'ouch' leaving my parted lips as a hot splatter fell onto my arm.

His words stayed into my mind for a while, somehow bringing me to Haven. She said so many wise things, and the things dad said were to always teach me- to have the good with me. Which could mean that Haven wanted the good with me too. Why would she say them, otherwise? The association was there, after all.

Haven. I want to say so much, but my mind locks my lips.

If only I could and would talk more, she would have considered me a friend, perhaps.

Not much later, the food was ready and we were all seated on the picnic table that stood in our backyard, Jael and Phebe sitting on a blanket on the grass. They had asked me to join them, but I was used to eating at the table, therefore, didn't really like it when I had to change positions.

Grandpa David did join them eventually, he wasn't as old as many people thought because I was already nineteen, after all. The situation, was once again, different. I think he was somewhere in his fifties now. His bones didn't crack yet when he sat down onto the floor, therefore I thought he was okay.

I hummed a soft song as I took a bite out of my hamburger, that mum and dad had made themselves. They were much better than the fabric- made ones that you could take out of its freezing place in the supermarket.

The structure was much softer, the flavour stronger. Soon after, dad shoved two chicken skewers onto my plate- one with only chicken, the other one with vegetables. My other family members got one, the chicken and vegetables mixed onto the skewer.

I looked up at baba and gave him a thankful smile, feeling relieved about the fact that he knew my eating habits, and how I hated the structure of them both. People had told me to simply shove them off before eating, but I could taste the vegetables on the chicken still, which brought my teeth on edge.

Dad smiled back, his eyes bright as he looked at me. It made me feel warm, it made me feel loved. The bond we had was extremely strong, and nothing could ever break that, I was sure.

I let the vegetables cool off completely, not really liking them warm, though ate the chicken right after, dipping it in some sauce mum had made herself as well. I wasn't too focused on their conversations, my attention mostly on my food, the sky, and outside noises.

That, until I heard my name, making me look up curiously. "Zeph is going to Amsterdam, can you believe that?" Dad smiled at Uncle Samuel, Aunt Ruth and Grandpa David, stuffing his mouth full with chicken after that.

Swallowing thickly, I couldn't help but experience the certain, strange, feeling I had had at University while hearing the news too. It made me shiver, my stomach twirling at the thought.

"Amsterdam! That is amazing, Zephaniah." Aunt Ruth mentioned softly, glancing at Uncle Samuel. "We've been there for our honeymoon, do you remember that, Zeph? We showed you photos when you were much younger."

Processing her words in silence for a while, I started blushing, not recalling the moment I had seen those photo's. "Uh," my eyes averted to the floor, trying so hard to search for words, but instead my eyes and attention fell onto a broken tile, making me frown. "Dad, the tile is broken."

"I know, bud. But, Zephaniah, aunt Ruth is asking you something." He mentioned, pointing at my aunt, who was still looking at me, her expression soft.

I blinked my eyes rapidly, trying to remember what she had asked me. Amsterdam. The same anxious feeling appeared in my body, making my hands clammy and mouth dry. "I- I do not remember it," I breathed out, staring at my, still, untouched vegetables.

"That's understandable, you were only nine, after all." Uncle Samuel chuckled, pointing at my bracelet. "That's from Amsterdam. I can't believe you still have it. We should show you the photo's some time. Want to sleep over, soon?"

Too many questions and words. I glanced at him, my eyes blinking slightly faster than normally. I nodded, though didn't really remember to what.

"Are you excited to go, Zephaniah?" Grandpa David smiled softly at me, his eyes standing standing genuinely curious.

Chewing on my cheek from the inside, I couldn't help but shake my head. "No." I was feeling relieved when Cooper dribbled over to me, resting his head on my knees. He must've felt my discomfort and nerves, he always did, after all.

"Oh, I'm sure you're going to like it, buddy." He smiled warmly at me, but the tears still pricked behind my eyes. I was good at swallowing them away, I had learned throughout the years.

Thinking about Haven, I'd realised how excited she seemed. Her eyes had been so bright, her cheeks rosier and her lips had been curled up in a wide smile. The class had seemed to like it too.

Perhaps, that had to make me like it as well. That was how it worked in somebody else's mind, right?

~~~

Uncle saammmm!! He has two daughters now. Do you like them?

Zeph getting along with these kids? Not being excited for amsterdam?

Why do you think that is?

Let me know! Vote and comment if you liked it. Don't be shy to give me some feedback ❤️

(Please let me know if something is unclear to you about Zephaniah's behaviour /asd. I don't know what information to put.)