Zephaniah

The pizza head. I called it the pizza head. Those specific 'heads' occurred when I had gotten too much information and stimulations during the day, clear or unclear. The loose, at that moment meaningless, jigsaw pieces that came into my head, would stack up, causing a point to form onto my head.

Pointed head, a pizza head. I imagined it as a pizza slice. It was the best explanation I could give my mum and dad, when I was experiencing moments like those.

Too much information that my mind was not capable of, to process it all too well, at the right tempo. It caused an overstimulation, after that only one thing had to happen I wouldn't like- and I would explode.

I didn't want it to happen, I never wanted it to happen, but I couldn't help it.

The pizza head had slightly faded after my meltdown with Tara. I always tried finding an explanation for them- I had been fearing the day, just because I always did. I wasn't as used to University as I wanted to be, while the other students seemed to have found their place already.

It made me insecure, it made me wonder why I couldn't get used to things so fast. Then, sleep deprivation from last night because of mum, dad's hazy behaviour about mum, the lectures that went way too fast. I couldn't follow the spoken words, the slides on the Powerpoint, then the endless distractions of quiet noises I couldn't filter out, spending lunch with my study group.

It costed me so much energy, just to listen, to follow conversations but also to make contact. I just didn't know the right way to do it, the many stimulations were too intense and that made me quiet. Then, Luke's words and behaviour, Haven telling them that she signed herself up for that project, when mum never told me such project existed.

Tara irritating me, telling them things they didn't have to know, just bothering me in general. I couldn't take it anymore. My head was full, and on moments like those, I couldn't stop myself.

I'd explode, and what happened after that- I wouldn't really know. I'd slip in some sort of daze, completely out of control and those situations made me feel sad, helpless.

I had become even more exhausted and now on my way home, I could feel the pizza head coming up again. I just needed to sleep, to rest. I just needed Cooper.

My tired eyes landed on unnecessary, according to other people, details, them staring at things other people wouldn't be staring at. I wanted to follow the road, but it was moving too fast.

Moving my attention to my fiddling fingers instead, I listened to the songs that were playing on the CD mum had put in. I didn't really know it, but it was soft and calm music, though, it didn't calm me at all at the moment.

"Zeph.." Mum suddenly said, moving my head up to look at her in response. "I need to tell.. Dad said that Cooper has thrown up again today."

Cooper has what? "Again?" I swallowed, an uneasy feeling appearing in my guts.

"Yeah.. dad said you might have to take him to the vet any time soon. Just to make sure, you know?" Mum gave me a sad smile, briefly touching my cheek after she had parked the car. "We didn't want to worry you, but it has happened several times now.."

I swallowed again and started tugging at my sleeves, not answering her. Cooper had been throwing up lately, especially in the nights. Just like mum. "Maybe you and, uhm, Cooper have the same? Fever.."

"No," Mum said right away, hesitating. "No, I don't think so, Zeph. Let's get inside, see what dad has cooked us today."

"Okay," I said sadly, unbuckling myself and stepping out of the car, swinging my bag over my shoulder.

Another thing, or worry, added to the pizza head. I sighed, unconsciously clenching my jaw as I stepped inside and kicked off my shoes. I did straighten them and put them on the spot I always put them on after that, though.

I let my backpack slip off my shoulder, hanging up my coat in the wardrobe. Stuffing the strings of my hoodie in my mouth, I chewed on them as I entered the living room, noticing mum and dad kiss.

Cooper dribbled over to me, barking once or twice to let me know he was excited to see me. I gave him a half-hearted smile and sat down on the couch, staring outside the window.

Dad plopped down beside me, observing me before he ruffled my hair shortly. "Hey, Zeph. Had a good day?"

I didn't answer, I simply stared outside the window while I felt tears pricking behind my eyes for who knows why. Cooper rested his two paws on my lap, trying to lick my face but I simply pushed him away, though, did pet him.

"I'll leave you alone, but, we're talking later." Baba whispered, pressing a kiss to my cheek. He stood up after that and walked into the kitchen, starting a small talk about his job he had at Grandpa David with mum.

Walking over to my backpack, I just wanted to escape and listen to music. Taking my headphones out of my backpack, my lips parted in confusion when I saw the broken string hanging loosely at the edge.

"Did you break them?" Baba frowned as he looked at me, making me gulp.

I didn't want to expose Tara, but I didn't want to lie either. Which would only cause me trouble twice as dad hated lying, but would probably also be upset if I told him I broke them. He had paid for them after all.

"Zeph," he said, making me gulp again as I didn't know what to say. It made me feel confused and slightly frustrated.

"I did- I did not do it, okay." I swallowed, quickly throwing them onto the couch, far away from myself. I didn't want to look at it, didn't want to be reminded about something that could make my father upset.

Dad picked them up and inspected them quietly, glancing at me with a soft expression on his face. "What happened, then?"

Fiddling nervously with my fingers, my heart raced as I thought about Tara and the incident at University. "They.. uhm,"

"Just tell me truth, Zephaniah. I won't be mad," He said softly, sitting down on the couch beside me.

Processing his words, I glanced at him once or twice before finally whispering, "Tara pulled them off my head," I mumbled, my cheeks warming up.

"Ittarah? Why would she do that?" Dad exclaimed, apologizing when he saw me flinching at his sudden loud tone.

Licking my lips, I focused on the way my tongue rolled over them, faintly tasting the strawberry lemonade I had put into my water bottle this morning, which I drank at Uni. Mum had suggested for me to put a lemon slice in my water, or even real strawberries, but once I'd drink even a tiny bit of the fruit that'd swim loosely around in the water, I'd gag.

The structure-

"Zephaniah," Baba tapped my cheek, his eyebrow raised slightly. "Why did she do that?"

Thinking back about the incident, her words came back into my mind, suddenly hurting more than I thought they did at first. It made me frustrated, just because I was sad. I couldn't always express anger, it'd express into tears which I hated.

"Because I n-never socialize, because she said stupid.. stupid stuff about me, because everything!" I huffed, kicking my backpack away, which was neatly standing near my feet, but, not for long as I kept kicking it.

"She did that because she said stupid stuff?" Baba frowned, uncertainly looking at me.

I threw my hands up in frustration, tears appearing in the corners of my eyes. "No!" I exclaimed, tugging at my sleeves, "She said stupid stuff about- about me and I wanted to listen to music, baba, because, it was so busy. Noises and all and her- her words and-"

Mumma came into the room not much later and I stared at her for a while, Haven's words coming back into my mind as well.

My head was like a dark grey cloud at the moment, threatening to burst out any minute to shamelessly shower its content all over the people that would be near at that very moment. Don't explode, Zephaniah, don't explode.

One, two, three, four, five- one, two, three, four, five.

"Is Coo-Cooper going to die?" I stammered out, looking at my parents, who looked surprised.

"Zeph.. he will be okay. Did you do your work? Did that one girl help you out today?" Mum asked as she sat down on the yellow chair we had standing in the corner.

"No," I choked out, feeling sad about the fact that she didn't tell me about the one project Haven apparently signed herself up for. "I do not want her help," I said.

"It's not a bad thing-"

"I just want to be normal, I don't w-want to be helped all the time, I don't want to sign myself up for- for that. I just want to be normal, I want to stop- stop thinking for a while. I'm tired of people, I'm tired of myself." I couldn't help but scream, my full mind ready to burst out any second. And then, I exploded.

Dad stood up and grabbed my arm, which was a wrong thing to do. It wasn't him, though, that made me explode. It was just a small, little, thing that could make my mind go on edge. A touch, a sound, a word. It wouldn't matter. One thing was enough.

I started crying, started biting on the strings attached to my hoodie, reached for the nearest object, which was the tea kettle, and threw it on the floor with all of my strength. It shattered into pieces, the loud thud hurting my ears.

"Zephaniah," Dad said. I could hear the sadness, the discipline, yet tenderness in his voice as he grabbed my wrist and dragged me upstairs, over to my room. He sat me down on my bed and briefly stared at me, his expression neutral. "Cool off. Take your time, okay?"

Once I heard the door close, I started kicking and hitting my bed in frustration, screaming into my pillow and letting the tears fall uncontrollably. Cooper jumped onto my bed and started licking my hands, something he did to stop me from accidentally hurting myself.

Cooper whined, his big, brown and soft eyes staring at me, as if he wanted me to calm down by his intense gaze. It slightly worked, though not completely. My vision was blurred, my throat sore from the screaming.

"Why does nobody ever understand me, Coop." I cried silently, though couldn't completely stop the sobs and hums from leaving my mouth. "I'm always the- the 'special' one but I'm not, you know? I am just like them, the same, only my mind process- processes things differently, maybe a bit slower, b-but that does not make me any different from dad, or mum, or Tara."

"I hate- I hate-" I did not hate anything. I disliked things, but I never wanted to say I hated things. The word was too big, too untrue for me.

Pressing my face in my pillow as I lied down flat on my stomach, I screamed again, the sound coming out weak and muffled because of the cushion. Cooper lied down beside me, his paw softly poking my face, several times.

I kept crying, until I started to feel calmer and more tired, the pizza head and its traces slowly fading.

It was when tears were quietly rolling down my cheeks that baba came into my room, closing the door behind him. He sat down on my bed, next to my face. I could feel him staring, but I was too ashamed to look back, feeling bad for my own meltdown.

Sniffs were occasionally heard, my fingers tracing the black stripes from my bedding. I didn't want to talk, I didn't know what to say. How could I express my thoughts and feelings in the right words? That, I did not know, which made me feel sad.

"Are you calm?" Dad asked softly, drying my left cheek with the pad of his thumb.

I nodded, though still didn't look at him. This wasn't the first time it happened, but dad always knew how to handle the situation. He'd send me to my room to cool off, something I had told him I needed, he'd leave me be for minutes long, then would come upstairs and talk about the situation.

"Pizza head, huh." Baba smiled sadly at me, removing my fringe from my sweaty forehead after I had nodded in response.

"Sorry, dad." I choked out, sitting up. "I ruined your and mama's day and broke the tea k-kettle and.. and-"

"Zeph, none of that, okay? You don't do things on purpose. You cannot help it." He assured me, his expression serious. "What piled up today, bud?"

I felt more tears collecting in my eyes, and I didn't bother to hold them back- I let them fall. "Just.. just everyone is used to Uni already and I- I'm still scared and mum let a girl help me and she did not say it was a project, and that girl said it and Tara said stuff to the study group and she's not.. being nice."

Baba intensely listened, his eyebrows slightly furrowed as he tried to follow my words. I knew my story was usually all over the place, there was no structure, and I needed structure. Another thing that tired me out.

"She said she is helping me but she- and Cooper throws up and mama does and the lectures just go so fast at the end I do not- do not know what they say, okay. Is all." I shrugged, wiping my tears away with the sleeves of my hoodie.

Baba quietly watched me for a while, another sad smile forming on his face. "Sometimes I wish you were still little, so you didn't mind me cuddling you." His fingers stroked my cheek, I didn't pull away. "Things will fall into place, Zephaniah. Just please, trust me on that. I know things seem to be far from falling into place, but, it will- at its own time."

I felt calm.

~~~

Zeph is overwhelmed..

What do you think of him and his autism? Is he more understandable for you now? His behavior and all?

Info;

What is an autistic meltdown and why does it happen? A meltdown is 'an intense response to overwhelming situations'. It happens when someone becomes completely overwhelmed by their current situation and temporarily loses behavioural control.

In this case, as Zephaniah explained him himself, it is caused by too much information and stimulation, clear or unclear, that he wasn't able to process well. It piled up, and bursted out when his mind wasn't capable of keeping it all in anymore.

This loss of control can be expressed verbally like shouting, screaming, crying, and physically such as kicking, lashing out, biting, or in both ways.