* I  sell  hollywater  for  3  dollars *

And the waves drown me.

And along with my breath, my demons slowly die.

—Chapter song: In your room by Depeche Mode—

Hell feels like paradise if you like the burn.

Rain peered at Suga when he didn't make a move to leave or retreat his hand from hers.

Suga couldn't help himself but taking a step inside, entering the shower fully clothed, obliging to Rain's pull on his hand, like a siren's song luring him to his destruction.

One step brought him into the shower with her.

The world stopped.

He closed the glass door behind him.

And left his inhibitions outside of that door.

Couldn't help the thumb he brushed over the droplets on her cheeks, her lips. Couldn't stop himself from doing it a second time.

She swallowed, and he tracked every movement of her throat.

The droplet that ran over her neck, her pulse pounding delicately beneath it.

"Tell me what you want." With a stare that stripped her bare from her facade, Suga breathed, almost in a pleading, yet ordering growl, not stepping back. Willing to burn once more if needed, sacrificing wings and pride for a chance to get close.

"Right now? I want... I want to forget. I want to feel alive. I want to pretend."

"Pretend?" Suga went still, his eyebrows furrowing. 

Rain nodded, feeling his hot breath on her, eyes focusing on a droplet that ran down his lips, a droplet she wanted to lick—

"Pretend we are somewhere far away. That we are not us. That you are not my Oyabun. That we don't have death and guns and mobs and families to deal with or rules and oaths to follow. That we are two normal people, that our lives aren't fucked up, and we don't have to hide because one of us could be arrested for literally anything anytime, that you don't have two clans to rule, a father who is bloodthirsty and power-hungry enough to be cast in game of thrones, and I can pretend that I'm not freaked out that I'm filled with regret for killing someone who definitely deserved it, or that I have a crazy mother that had me thinking my whole life I was an orphan and has faked her death and has forced you into helping her with her fucking schemes."

Broken yet strong, a true jade, Rain bit her lip, tightening the grip on his hand.

"So, yes. What I want right now —and I'm being fully honest to you, as I should have been from the start— is fun. To feel alive. A distraction. I want to drown my demons... but I can't. No matter what I do, no matter what I think—"

"Then let me drown them for you."

Holding her stare, Suga lifted his wet shirt.

Pulling it over him, he discarded it on the floor.

Water cascaded down Suga's black hair, his shoulders, his chest. And through an eternal sun, that water couldn't put out.

Only a sun so bright would bring light to a heart so dark.

Time had stilled in their little bubble, as then he kicked away his shoes, unbuttoning his jeans.

"Rei."

She couldn't tell if her name was a warning or a request or something more.

Didn't care as she watched him discarding the rest of his clothes.

Didn't care as she traced a finger through the edges of the sun on his chest. The reminder of what she is to him.

Didn't care as leaning forward, she grazed his neck with her nose. Fuck, he smelled good. She didn't resist—licked the water up the side of his neck.

Sea and wind and orange blossoms. It almost undid her.

She did it again. Unable to help herself, she then guided his hand, bring it up to her neck, fitted it along her throat tightly.

"Drown them," she whispered in his ear in a pleading manner, sultry and breathy and fuck.

"You didn't ask what I want," without releasing her, he leaned closer too, whispering above her lips. She arched slightly against him.

"Name your price," she licked the water on the corner of his lips. Waiting for his request, resisting before bitting them. The urge to grab him, pull his face to hers practically blinded her. Instead, she dragged her fingers on his back, feeling his hard muscles.

"I want you to stay after."

Rain's fingers tightened on his naked back.

She held his stare.

She didn't flinch.

She didn't falter.

The patter of the shower and the music from her phone was the only sound for a long moment before she said, 

"I'll stay."

Her eyes were challenging and vulnerable. Saying, try me and see for yourself if I mean it this time, making it impossible for Suga to think, as every time she was around.

Swallowing another groan, Suga tightened his hand around her neck, the other ran downward to that perfect, sweet ass that had tortured him since day fucking one and—

"What sort of after do you have in mind?" Rain breathed, palming his dick. Gently and firmly wrapping her fingers around it, starting to move slowly, looking at him like oh-so-fucking-innocent, the most perfect painting he had ever seen—

Suga inhaled through his teeth, his eyes closing, almost rolling back from the sensation.

—cutscene— I kinda wish now that I would have written this scene from his pov so we could hear his incoherent thoughts like don't you dare come yet, you're not fifteen anymore, you fucker, but I felt like writing this in a somewhat mature, deeper, darker style. Some other time, I guess —End of cutscene—

"The good kind," his words came out heavy, even though he was the one doing the choking on this case, and opening his eyes, he looked down, seeing Rain —and feeling— stroking him teasingly, running a thumb over the tip of his dick, splaying the precum around.

Fuck, he was so hard, and this was a mixture of a dream with a nightmare coming true, holding her, having this moment with her, but it came with the catch of living it along with his repressed fears.

Drowning Rain's demons came with the price of facing his.

Closing his eyes, the water of the shower became the icy ocean. Could almost feel her limbless against him, as he fought to get out, could see her in the bathtub, sinking back inside, falling into the darkness and nothingness that swallowed her—

He opened his eyes abruptly, retracting his hand from her neck.

"I'm fine." Rain murmured, stopping. "You don't have to do that if you don't want."

It took him a moment to gather his thoughts.

"It's okay." Rain nodded, taking his hands in hers. "We can take it slow." She took a step back. Holding his hand, she leaned back on the glass wall. Pulled him closer. "You don't need to be afraid that you will hurt me. There is nothing that can hurt us." Her head tipped back as she tipped her jaw up, bringing him chest to chest with her, placing his hand back on her, only to guide it slowly lower.

"Show me how you would like doing it," She swallowed, then bit her lip, spreading back and looking down, she inserted two of his fingers into her. Her mouth fell open in a harsh inhale of pure pleasure, as she slowly guided them in, then halfway, out.

Suga hissed as he found her utterly soaked, and not from the shower, biting out a fuck, as he then increased the pace, enthralled and numb, feeling her so wet and tight and his and—

His eyes darkened as he then fell on his knees on an instant, roughly hoisting her left leg over his shoulder, pushing her back on the wall with one hand on her stomach, the other holding her ass tight.

Rain's head fell back, her mouth opening on a moan
—a moan that was supposed to be the word fuck, but instead sounded like fuuuu...aahhh—
as she felt Suga smiling against her, before slowly inserted a finger in her, at the same time his tongue brushed the wet skin around her clit, making her shiver, then inserting a second finger, he found a torturing pace that countries would go to war over. A pace that revealed he wanted to write poems on her body with his tongue. He began to suck at the tender spot, tongue gently lapping over it and the droplets of water.

Rain grabbed his wet hair with both hands, greedily pulling him closer, lost and consumed and breathless, bucking her hips into his face, unable to contain her moans as Suga fingered and tongued her slit mercilessly, then dove into her pussy with relish, tasting every inch of her.

He looked up then, meeting her vulnerable stare. His burning eyes watching her as he licked her were as powerful as his fingers, his stare so self-assured and brutal like an order to come.

Rain melted, her orgasm cresting off the edge, and like that, she came on his tongue.

He masterfully hit just the right spot, and she had a moment of disorientation before realizing she had squirted. It felt foreign, but the release was overwhelming. Stunning even, the best thing she'd ever done with someone in her entire life.

It felt too good to be legal.

And for Suga, watching her climax so intensely was the closest to a religious experience he ever had.

Yet, he didn't stop.

Pinning her ass back on the glass wall, her loud moans echoed through the glass walls of the shower, as he continued, watching her ride his face like a wave, tipping over a second orgasm he felt as she clenched on his fingers he kept pushing in and out, curling them inward to hit her right on her g-spot, her inner thighs soaking with her liquids for a second time, the shower water over them washing it all away.

Only when she was trembling, half sobbing, limp with pleasure, only then he stopped.

Of course, Rain didn't care that she was moaning loud enough for every person in the hemisphere to hear.

Standing, Suga held her as she was still breathing heavily, still high from her orgasms. "How many times have you imagined me doing that since I brought you here?"

Rain cupping his face, staring at him, her eyelids half-open as she was catching her breath. "Please don't," she begged. Staring at him with the same wild gaze that made his heart request a promise from her three and a half years ago. As though he's the most fascinating creature in the world. He wanted to pocket that look and save it for the next time the world would let him down. Which should be in the next two hours.

"Just give me one fucking breadcrumb. Something. Anything. A truth. Something so I can trust you. You have no idea of the sheer amount of all the things I've done for you, Rei, all I ask for is just one fucking—"

Rain grabbed him and pulled him to her, crashing her lips against his. Not gently. Not soft.

With fierceness and anger, hot and scorching her tongue invaded his mouth, roughly biting him, sucking his lower lip into her mouth, her nails digging in his back.

Then she pulled back, breathing in hard, her features twisted like a furious siren underwater.

"You are so fucking stupid!" She yelled in his face, holding him close. Suga stood stunned, his eyes widening and weirdly, his dick hardening even more if that was possible.

"I," she grabbed him again, pulling him into a punishing kiss, "stayed," another kiss, "for," another, longer, fiercer kiss, "YOU." 

Then crashed her lips on his again, only this time she didn't pull back. Taking everything he is willing to give her, and then steal some more, watching his gorgeous silhouette gleaming under the water. 

Facta non Verba.

Actions speak louder than words.

Or, as he had said, actions are what matters, not words.

"I stayed for you. From the very fucking start. And I hate you for it!" 

She groaned as Suga scooped her up from the ground, crashing her back against the wall.

"Liar. You don't hate me. In fact, what's the opposite word for hate?" He grabbed her throat again and squeezed, kissing her so hard her lips bruised.

"I do! God, I hate you so fucking much!" She pulled him again, crashing him onto her, kissing him, then biting him hard enough to draw blood.

His hands met the back of her knees, and he hoisted her up. She knotted her legs around his waist. He cupped her face and squashed it in another kiss that was lethal, his gaze dripping anger and adoration. Another kiss, that got Rain instantly wetter and not from the running water she was under.

"Fuck you," he hissed. "I never wanted to bring you here in the first place!" They were swallowing each other's words and secrets and lies with their mouths. Pushing her back, Rain's body moving with his. His groans into her lips, as though it was painful.

Both angry and relentless, bruising each other with their words, and consuming each other with their bodies, doing whatever it took to drown their demons, to forget. 

"Then why did you?" She hissed back, gaze dripping venom and want, desperately trying then to fit her hand between them, grab him and guide him inside her, desire burning so intense she couldn't think.

It was hopeless, as he had encaged her between him and the glass wall, leaving her unable to move if he didn't, pushing his body onto her so she couldn't do anything, completely on his mercy since her legs were off the floor. 

"Because I promised it to Nanami. Because I needed to have you close to be sure you're safe. Because I wanted to get back at Sakai." 

She wasn't sure what she wanted to hear, but because he promised it to Nanami and because he had a feud with his brother wasn't exactly it. 

"Liar!" She yeller, stilling there, breathing heavily, holding on to him by her hands around his neck, her legs tightening around his waist.

Unflinching, he held her stare. A stare the water couldn't drown. A stare the sun couldn't burn. 

A stare that said, this is the truth. 

"Because you're mine," 

The words skittered along her bones, one hand holding her up from the ass, the other taking both her wrists and slamming them on the wall above her head, his mouth finding hers, the kiss open and deep and desperate and punishing, taste of water and—

Thoughts and senses stopped as he nudged at her entrance with one deep thrust, hard and thick inside her, slamming in till the end. 

Pain was pleasure, her eyes closed as she leaned her head back, all her senses drawn to the spot they were one, no room in her body or mind or between them for anything other than what they felt. Just him and her, the water from the shower, the fire from their souls, and a truth she couldn't quite understand.

Probably to regain some of the power, she wasn't sure why she tried to free her hands from where he held them still above her head, only to find out she couldn't, the only option left to accept that for once, she wasn't in control. And it was a late realization, that this, being at his mercy, turned her on even more.

She hadn't realized Suga was holding back, all those times before. Letting her be the one in charge. Now, he wasn't hiding who he was anymore. 

Gasping and straining, they moved in his pace for the first time.

Two enemies, making love and war at once.

"You like it, don't you? Being helpless... losing control..." He thrust harder and faster, and Rain hissed a moan of pleasure, feeling elated the pressure inside her building up once more to unbearable. 

"Shut up!" She managed between breaths, tightening around him.

"Admit it," without stopping he licked her throat, grazing it with his teeth. 

"No," breathlessly, she countered, but it sounded more like a moan. 

Slowly and steadily then, Suga lowered the pace. Teasing grinds and rolls.

Rain lifted her hips, trying to urge him to move faster, to go deeper, but he held back until Rain whined in frustration and realizing he had also untightened the grip on her wrists, she freed them, then pulled at his hair. 

He let out a dark chuckle. The rhythm of his thrusts became so unbearably slow, it could be used as a punishing method to extract information from spies. 

"Please," she hissed.

He smiled against her neck, his fingers grabbing her ass so tight, enough to leave bruises. "Please what?"

"Please fuck me," she choked. She never begged. Never had to, with anyone else.

"Fuck, I love hearing you beg," he kissed her again, his pace punishing, as then lowering his face he traced her with kisses all over down to her chest, biting a nipple.

A small cry left her as he then licked it, pulling it in his mouth, his eyes so dark and hungry as he then did the same to the other one, feeling it pebbling under his teeth, a cat playing with his dinner. She couldn't take it anymore.

Capturing his face in her palms, she brought him back up. "I need you. Not the toned-down version. The real you."

"Say it again," He commanded in a voice she'd never heard before but knew she would crawl to hear again.

"I need you." She breathed.

Roughly, he pulled out, dropped her on her feet, and turned her the other way, her cheek plastering on the steamy glass, her palms too.

Then, he was on her, covering her back with his rippling muscles. She arched her back, lifting herself up to him. As he entered her from behind, darts of pleasure swam through her. Hands on her hips, he moved in and out, slow and steady. His thrusts deliberately deep, radiated throughout her entire being. He laced his hands around her neck, squeezed her firmly, and took her into his world.

A world of opportunities. Of grasping chances before they fleet between your fingers. A world raw, bloody. Uncalculated. Risky, sinful and beautiful, and unapologetic.

Then, for a moment, Rain let go. Her head fell back on his shoulder, eyes closed, and breathing heavily, she became nothing. 

And that was the most alive she ever felt.

It was a mixture of sensations, of his hand on her neck controlling her breath and chocking her gasps, of his other hand he had reached around to pleasure her simultaneously from in front, mercilessly flicking her clit, his cock pushing her apart, filling her up with heat so powerful that for a moment she thought red waves were licking up her skin like flames. She squeezed her eyes closed and saw pure white, feeling beautifully weightless.

She let out a moan so loud, it drowned out the sound of the shower and the music, as he slid halfway out then completely in once again, filling her so much she couldn't think around it, couldn't breathe.

"Like that?" He murmured, his lips tracing her ear.

A choked moan was her only reply. More more more.

He let out a dark chuckle that tingled her neck, as slowly he continued thrusting and playing with her, while Rain was trying to keep standing with all the force she could muster. 

"Don't stop," she begged. He held her tight. Each wave sent shivers through her body, and he responded with a small moan, enjoying her pleasure. The world seemed to disappear for a moment and then she went limp, every muscle spent.

And yet.

"More," she said again, stubbornly.

"More what?" He laughed in her ear, enjoying every drop of satisfaction and bliss he could see in her face, could hear in her broken voice.

With a groan, she twisted her head, founding his lips and capturing them with her own, biting him again. 

Suga groaned, plunging in her faster and deeper. Harder.

"Come for me again," he commanded, his lips against her skin.

His command carried a softness and simultaneous firmness that told her that she could do nothing but oblige.

She broke apart. Came apart. Torn apart.

They both cried out in ecstasy, two perfect puzzle pieces.

Turning around, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, squeezing hard, wanting more of him against her, inside her, with her. 

Wishing she could lock them in there and never let go. 

Wishing they never had to go back to reality. 

Wishing, they could go back in time.

Whatever they had, it was screwed-up and poisonous and destructive.

But it was there, and it was theirs.

It had a pulse and a breath and a soul.

Suga held her against him, tightly, as tight as he could, as they kissed in what seemed forever, forgetting for real this time who they were, what they were, all rules and inhibitions left behind, pretending that nothing existed beyond them, beyond their little glass world of steam and water.

Because in that fragile world of mist, they felt empowered. They didn't have to worry about tomorrow. 

And for the long hour afterward, Rain's focus remained on her Oyabun and what his hands and mouth and body had made her feel. 

It made her forget. 

It made her obliterate the pain and the hurting and the regrets.

But most importantly, it made her feel alive. 

Because he had that power over her—making her feel.

Which she didn't want to admit where it put her. 

Even though she knew.

Knee-deep in trouble.

And even worse?

Begging for it.

When the sun was up, coaxing Suga awake through the blinds, before opening his eyes, he knew Rain must have slept the rest of the night beside him, because he could still smell the scent of his undoing lingering on his pillow, green apples, and fresh rain.

It smelled like paradise, like home and eternity and like exactly where he was meant to be.

Suga opened his eyes.

Rain was still there.

And if that wasn't a dangerous turn, bringing her closer on the path of the truth. 

~        ~        ~         ~        ~        ~        ~

A/N

Originally, the chapter ended here.

But I felt both generous and guilty for taking so long to update, that I decided to include what was going to be the next chapter, small as it is. 

~       ~       ~       ~       ~       ~       ~

And like that, Suga knew.

This wasn't a "pretend game."

This wasn't some kind of emotional role-play to forget reality and their problems.

No. This was a redo.

A redo, of the time they met.

Rain wanted a redo of the past.

To recreate it and change the course of the events. 

And most importantly, how it ended.

"Can you at least pretend that you are not so shocked I'm still here? I'm kinda offended." Rain murmured with a soft smile, peering at him with one eye open, her arm lazily splayed over her face, protecting her from the morning blinding sun. 

Cuteness incarnate, he named the painting in his mind.

Suga narrowed his eyes. A lazy smirk spread on his lips. "Great. Now get your ass out of my room."

Shocked, Rain opened both eyes. Looking at him, so smug and relaxed and unbothered and fucking perfect, like a real-life depiction of angelic arrogance, her mouth fell open to a scowl of disbelief. 

An eye for an eye, and true to the mantra that would follow her till the end of her days, he was doing the unthinkable.

Kicking her out after they fucked.

Like she had done to him. 

Did he ask for her to stay so he could do that? He was utterly cruel, even for his standards—

"God, if only you could see the look in your face," he chuckled, bringing his arms behind his head. 

—and dead. Suga was a dead man.

"If only you could see the look on your face," Rain mocked, mimicking his voice before her face turned to stone, her eyes narrowed like a lion that found the next thing she would hunt down to kill and eat. 

"It looks like a baby deer that just found his mom dead in the forest. Oh, wait, you would have known the look if you had the decency to look me in the eye one of the countless times you have kicked me out." He raised a smug eyebrow.

"Who says I can't kick you out of your room too?" She growled, lifting herself, ready to pounce and choke him. 

"This," Suga tapped his finger once on her chest. 

Rain peered down to his finger, touching over the tattoo on her chest. 

The snake curled around the apple.

Not the tattoo, you stupid bitch. He means your heart. 

Rain cleared her throat and looked away, ignoring how she felt her cheeks taking a gleeful shade of red and the certain part he pointed at beating faster. 

"Coffee!" Her voice sounded high-pitched and weird, as out of nowhere, she stood to go to the kitchen, almost running to the door.

"Rei." Suga's voice stopped her in her track. 

"What?!" She huffed and turned, placing her palms on her waist. 

"You are naked."

Rain pressed her lips into a line. "Well, coffee requires sacrifices."

"You also are acting weird." He got up, getting a fresh change of black boxer shorts from his closet. 

"Your point?" Rain tapped her foot impatiently.

"Why?" He deadpanned, making it sound more like a statement than a question.

Rain shifted in her spot. Closed her eyes and groaned like a brat. 

"BecauseIdon'tknowhowtoact," she murmured, swallowing the words, looking at the door, thinking she would prefer to parade down Itaewon naked than admitting the truth.

"What?" He chuckled, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Because I don't know how to act!" She repeated. "I've never stayed with anyone after fucking. I don't know how to do pillow-talk shit or morning cuddles, Suga. I've never done it before! I've only tried it once, very long ago, and it was an epic disaster. The only thing I could think of was to choke the dude with the pillows if he didn't get out of my room, my house, and my life in the next five minutes. Happy?" She crossed her arms. 

Suga smiled. And even the smile was warm, it was also full of secrets. One of them being he had witnessed that one time Rain mentioned. With Erik man-bun-dudebro, as he had mockingly named him in his head.

One other was he had never done it either.

But the real secret behind his smile was that he was basking in the fact she had willingly and completely by herself, without him asking, given him a truth.

So he repaid her in the best way he saw fit. 

A truth for a truth.

"I couldn't stop worrying tonight. Knowing, where you were. What were you about to do. Even though I knew it was safe, that you can perfectly defend yourself, and for fucks sake, that Jin was Nanami's bodyguard and the most capable of protecting you in case something happened, still... I just couldn't stop myself from worrying." He looked down, exhaling a long breath before sitting on the bed.

Rain, reluctantly paced back to him. Sat in the bed, next to him. 

"I didn't say that to make you stay." Lifting his stare from the floor, he locked it with hers. 

"I know." She smiled. "I guess it can't harm if I stay with you a little longer." 

Lie. Because the truth was she wanted to stay forever. Mindlessly, she lightly traced her thumb over the swollen three blue lines on her forearm. "How many... You said I killed them. Those that had attacked me in Stockholm. They died after. How many died from my hand?" She turned on her seat to face him.

Suga slowly shook his head, his eyes still on the three lines. "That's not a good idea, Rei. Nanami had tried the same. Inking the names of the lives she took on her fingers. She quickly ran out of space." Like, in a week, he refrained from adding. He pressed his lips in what seemed bad timing to laugh. "And in this type of life, you'll end up with a sleeve of lines."

"How many?" She asked again, ignoring his plead. Words small and broken.

"One. Just one." Still looking at the three lines.

One, for the guy in Stockholm. One, for the guy she killed to get out from the clan massacre. One, for tonight. "You're good. I took care of the others that night."

He also felt thankful she didn't ask in what way he took care of them.

"...So..." Suga exhaled after a beat of long silence. "Tattoos?"

A vulnerable smile lit Rain's face. "Pain can also be beautiful." She murmured. Falling back on the bed, her gaze was lost in the ceiling. "Pain is the greatest reminder. Of our actions and what we've been through. And most importantly, pain reminds us that we are alive. That we survived. Pain makes me feel alive."

Unblinking and after a steady breath of courage, she recited:

"Sometimes you must hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, lose in order to gain, because life's greatest lessons, are learned through pain."

"That's ...beautiful. And very concerning. But I'm just going to focus on beautiful." Suga commented.

Rain lifted a shoulder, a small smile forming on her lips. "It's a line from one of the greatest masterpieces of our time. Naruto."

Suga snorted, shaking his head.

He got it. All of it. Why she did what she did. How she had become who she was. Beautiful and blinding as the sun. 

A sun that burned everything to the ground, thriving on inflicting pain, the same thing that had nourished her.

There was still a truth that Rain hadn't shared.

She came here to drown her demons.

Now, she could hardly breathe.

A big wave drowned her.

And along with her breath, her demons slowly died.

https://youtu.be/p_6GYfSea5Y

In your room
Your burning eyes
Cause flames to arise
Will you let the fire die down soon
Or will I always be here
Your favorite passion

Your favorite game
Your favorite mirror
Your favorite slave

I'm  hanging  on  your  words

Living  on  your  breath

Feeling  with  your  skin

Will  I  always  be  here

A/N.

I looooooove this song. 

I could have written this chapter the easy way— with a line like: their moans echoed outside the fogged glass walls of their universe, outside of the walls of Suga's room, disrupting the eerie piece of the night and J-hope's meal as he tried to eat his kimchi in peace, but:

At this point, you probably have realized that I love my readers and will succumb to any—no matter how crazy—request.

And the readers have spoken —You thirsty bitches requested smut.

(I'm pointing at you, pervykook)

And I'm obviously not beneath that, and gonna be like oh, gosh, no, I'm never gonna write sth like that.

And whoever thinks writing smut is easy, then be my guest. Write your own.

A little warning, though—it's not.

Writing smut that is seriously good, intertwines with the story, serves an emotional value purpose, and doesn't make you want to gauge your eyes out with one of Jin's knives from cringe after reading it, is harder than writing an academic-level thesis on subatomic particles.

Okay, maybe not harder, but you get my point.

Lesson of the day: careful what you ask for.

And a lesson for me: If I actually did sell that hollywater for three dollars, I would be filthy rich by the end of this chapter. 

I own your panties now bitches.