The things of the night cannot be explained in the day

Because they simply do not then exist.

Fine, I did not die.

But my heart beat faster than having a gun pointed at my temple. And all the reasons I shouldn't fuck Rei —my plan, her condition, how she was entirely forbidden for now— were completely lost in some far land in the back of my mind and I wasn't gonna sent a search party for them.

Let the record show that I tried to resist. Sort of.

I responded to her move in the only way I saw fit.

"Oh, shit." Over and out.

"Oh, shit is about right." She bit my lip, and I fucking tasted her.

Goodbye life. We had a good run.

She took my gun from the back of my jeans. Clicked the safety off. Pointed it at me.

"Are you into gunplay?"

I am into genocide and clowns if you are.

Thank fuck I didn't reply for real.

She chuckled. "Just kidding." Clicking the safety back on and placed it on the floor beside us.

My instinct told me that she wasn't kidding but thankfully she was smart enough to not trust just anyone with something like that.

Cutscene—she wasn't kidding and I found out way later—end of cutscene.

Everything— and I mean everything went fast forward from that point.

Clothes dropped to the floor with fury, condom foils ripped, and if anyone saw us they would honestly think that we were fighting a third world war or try to fuck the life out of each other from the way she climbed on me and the way I shoved her to the wall. I closed my eyes, finally sinking into her and she bit my neck so hard, I was sure she was going to draw blood. I was sinking into her, while she was sinking into me.

She moaned, and it was loud and undid me.

"Scream my name," I ordered.

She did, and I wanted to record it and make it my new ringtone.

She cried my name out again, digging her fingers into my neck, creating new temporary marks. That I wanted to exhibit proudly. To wear like fucking trophies.

I don't know who pushed and who pulled more. It was angry and liberating.

Literally fucking the rules.

This was it. I didn't want to leave. Not this place, not this city, not her.

My phone started ringing.

"Don't stop." She ordered but it was so desperate she practically angry-begged.

I didn't, and truly, God himself could be calling me right now, and I would send him straight to voicemail.

My phone kept ringing.

Who the fuck could be anyw— NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

My blood froze as I realized the time. Were we really in there two hours? —Yes.

Was really Nanami calling for a report now? —Yes.

What the fuck? Did she fucking sniff us or something?

"Answer it but don't stop." She moaned. Oh, she is fucking twisted.

"You will have to be quiet." I closed her mouth with my palm muffling her moans and fuck, now it was even hotter.

She was still rubbing against me in a rhythm I wanted to tattoo into my brain and write into a melody.

And even though it was the definition of stupid —fucking the girl I promised not to fuck while on a phone call with the person who made me promise it, her mother and my fucking Oyabun— Rei clearly inspired the idiot in me.

I swallowed, said a quick prayer, closed my eyes, and answered. And I didn't stop.

"How close are you?"

Inside.

"Define close," I said without thinking much, just to buy time and trying to not combust.

Rei groaned and pulled me cause she obviously didn't like that I slowed down, and I for everything I may have been, a bastard, a liar, a killer, couldn't do this.

"I have to call you back."I didn't wait for her to reply and tried to sound as neutral as possible but probably sounded as neutral as a heart attack, ended the call, made sure I ended the call —cause that would be a very funny surprise—and sent my phone crashing on the floor.

Our breaths were slowed but harsh and we stayed still for exactly ten seconds before attacking each other once more, her back colliding with the wall again, her hips bucking forward every time I dove into her.

And God, I loved feeling her this way, vulnerable with need. I loved that she was showing weakness. And that the only thing I needed to push me off the edge and into the arms of complete surrender was for her to just touch me. Feel me.

I thrust harder and felt her clenching. I was so close, and so was she. We both came at the same time and grabbed on to each other like we were about to collapse on the floor. Her orgasm was like a domino, the fall long and steady and epic.

Rei showed zero mercy on me, and I knew she would be like that from the way she taunted and flirted with me. She had a take-no-prisoners-approach to sex and stuff like missionary wasn't only not in the menu for her, but I doubted it was even in her vocabulary.

It took us at least a full minute to recover from or orgasms, gasping for air, holding each other tight.

I wanted to savor the moment. You want to stay alive and call Nanami back. I guess the devil had let the angel out of the trunk now. Probably to show what happens when he takes over.

"Give me five minutes." I zipped up, feeling like a dick for abandoning her. It's just five minutes, I think you can take it. "Tell me that you'll wait for me." Μy hands find her face again and I kiss her, long, slow. Different.

But I'm determined. And the things she will be hearing will make her wanna run for the hills. I knew it when I asked her to stay, I knew what the consequences would be. I knew what I was, and what was expected of me and I knew I could no longer be that. It wasn't what I wanted in life. I never had a choice.

But this... this I wanted.

And I also wanted Rei to have a choice. To give her one.

I don't know how long we stayed like that, our damp skin cooling, and our breathing still slowing as she threaded her fingers through my hair. Her lips grazing my jaw then finding mine. We kissed again, softly, sweetly. "Don't forget this."

She smiled against my lips. "I don't think I ever could."

"Promise me," I said, pulling back.

"Promise me you won't forget this. That no matter what you'll find out in ten minutes, tomorrow, next week, or in the next three years, you won't forget this. That this was real."

She didn't look away.

She didn't flinch.

"I promise."

She said and kissed me again.

I bailed reluctantly, knowing that the call wasn't gonna be quick and painless like a bandaid.

And if there is a way to telepathically kill via phone call, I'm about to experience it.

I dialed back Nanami.

She answered, and the first thing I heard was a gunshot.

"Are you okay?"

"Perfectly fine. Are you having a nice time? I heard the weather there, even humid, is lovely this time." Why the fuck is she mocking me now?

"And I heard a gunshot. Did you just kill someone?"

Pause.

I heard her lighter flicking and a long inhale.

"No."

I hear her taking another drag.

"I killed two people."

Why am I even surprised?

"I heard one gunshot."

"They were close. Being economical and all. I'm trying that KonMari method. I get rid of whatever doesn't spark joy." Only from Nanami's mouth, these words would sound like a sadistic death threat.

I wait cause I know she is about to get to the point now.

"I need you back."

What the fuck?

Oh, this is a fucking test.

"Okay. When?"

"I've booked you the next flight. You leave in four hours."

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

BITCH KNOWS.

You know what? I am not a fucking ping pong ball.

"Book me two"'

Long pause.

She chuckles. She fucking chuckles. I probably amused her with my try.

"I want to bring her back."

Another pause. And in this one, I feel the sensation of my bones breaking. Can practically hear the cracks.

"What have you done Suga??"

Oh, she went for the fucking kill.

"Nothing!" I said it so offended, there's no way she didn't believe it. I even believed it. How far gone am I?

"What are you doing on that rooftop, Suga?"

Bitch is tracking me. Breathe. There are no cameras here. She just knows my location from my phone. Nanami revealing a card always means she is bluffing.

"What I was ordered to do."

"Protecting her doesn't entitle you to break your oaths."

My stomach tightened.

"I've got my orders. I won't disobey them." I am that far gone.

"You know, Suga, I could have kept her in a million different places. I could have chosen someone else. You know that this was a test. You've always been a loose cannon. I reckoned it would be wise to test the waters before I threw you into the deep end. Are you going to fail me?"

I felt a squeeze deep inside my pounding heart. Suffocating.

"Be in my office in fourteen hours."

I knew in the cutthroat silence that she had my fate in her hands. To mold it however she liked. And the worst part? I didn't even care anymore.

"Keep your dick in your pants and your hands to yourself. Or you'll find yourself without either.

And never forget. Don't play with matches, you'll get burned."

She ended the call without waiting for a reply.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I knew Nanami well enough to recognize that her threats weren't empty. She wanted things done her way, no questions asked and that was about it.

It doesn't matter, Rei needs to know.

I walked around to see where she was.

"Well, someone seems thoroughly fucked. I was about to send a search party for you." One hyena from the cult squealed, throwing Rei a very judgmental stare. Like you are any better.

I slipped away back to the bathrooms to wait for her, feeling miserable and elated and confused and frustrated and defeated and victorious. And maybe still a little hard.

I stayed in the dark and waited.

Minutes passed.

Made it worse.

Cause now Nanami's words had the luxury to wrap around my mind.

I turned on the phone's flashlight, checking the dirty, written all-over tiles that once upon a time were white, to pass the time.

There were plenty of badly-drawn dicks. There were plenty of names, slurs, tags, and graffiti of infinite letters and colors all tangled up together into spray paint and markers, not knowing where one started and one ended. Only one among them stood out. Only because it was written with a fat neon-green sharpie.

Can you hear the silence?

Can you see the dark?

Can you fix the broken?

Can you feel my heart?

I can't.

The tigers have found me and I don't care.

Something dark crawled upon me, spreading chills down my spine.

Apart from the obvious —that Rei had written this and it was half lyrics and half a poem— no, it wasn't that my intellectual ass was offended she dared to mix a metalcore song with Bukowski but the clear meaning that she has given up.

In herself, in life, in everyone and everything.

But okay. This was probably written long ago. Things have changed. Things will change.

Then came something more.

A thought —that maybe she isn't coming.

"I promise."

I pushed it away.

She promised after all.

I waited and must have checked my phone for the time infinite times, like a pathetic loser, hoping she'd come.

I waited.

Then I waited some more.

"Time's up," I murmured to myself, pushing the door open and feeling the air and bass crushing through me.

Rei was at the makeshift bar made from old tables and filled with beer bottles, that many of them now were empty.

She grabbed a beer and strutted her way to her friends, all fire, sugar, and temptation.

She knew exactly what she was doing, and she did it well.

No part of her was naive, begging, and sweet now.

I watched with fascination mixed with annoyance.

I watched her leave and felt as I've been robbed of something.

And for the first time, I realized how awful it felt to be at someone else's mercy.

You might think I was at Nanami's mercy as well, but that was my choice and Nanami saved my ass. This time, I didn't ask for what I felt.

I half-expected her to burst into flames in front of my eyes, swirling into dark smoke, descending straight where she belonged. Hell.

They smoked enough weed there was a chance she would be still high for a week. There was really no other explanation for why it had taken her ten minutes to fight with her touchscreen, trying to type a text to someone.

Plumes of smoke rippled from her parted lips again, as she tipped her head back and laughed with something one of her "friends" said.

She hopped up on the banister again, looking down the city, savoring the delight of the bass.

A light had gone out inside her. She might as well have been staring inside herself: Darkness. Silence. Mist.

The voices of her friends and the music blended into nothing.

She flinched as she felt a hand from one of her friends pulling her back to the crowd, as an invitation to dance.

"Let's go make our ancestors roll in their graves." She laughed and went. Like everything was fine. She continued like everything was fine.

Time slowed and bled. Again.

She was dancing among the crowd and under the night sky, moving like she has been reborn, like no time existed at all. Reducing herself into the pulsing beat of the music, to the chemical euphoria glittering through her blood, to the sweat sliding down her body. She wouldn't be able to walk tomorrow, would have half a brain, but holy shit—more, more, more, until the earth crumbled into dust.

Maybe she liked it here. Maybe she liked this life.

I knew that moment that the Stockholm weather indeed felt me, cause it started raining.

And they didn't stop drinking. They didn't stop dancing. They didn't care.

She didn't care.

That was all I was.

A fuck.

And when the rain turned to a downpour, I put my phone away, walked past the crowd and the weed mist, becoming once more the shadow of nothing I was all this time, and vanished to the streets without so much as a look back.

I walked back in the eye of the storm, wet and cold and desperate, mentally beating myself up for being so fucking unbelievably pathetically stupid.

For throwing away everything.

My fucking ego got wounded but regardless, what Nanami had said changed things. She had admitted her plan for me in her words. And I had no fucking choice but to play along.

I beat myself up mentally, thinking there was no other solution but to let Rei hate me. I wanted to tell her everything, and now she'll hate me eventually no matter the outcome. Either way. Either my plan works or Nanami's.

And yet, she forgot everything. She forgot me.

Like she forgot the girl she had fucked the previous night and like she forgot the guy she fucked the next night. It was no surprise since she practically roofied herself mixing alcohol, drugs, and prescription drugs, so I guess she won that chemistry award after all.

I asked for five minutes.

She promised.

And now?

As you can tell, I threw clues at her all the fucking time.

I used her words.

I used mine.

Honestly, this is hard to piece together —even for her— but I have indeed told her everything by now. With hints. With insinuations. Like she does with songs to torture me.

Maybe love wasn't about feeling happy and whole.

Maybe love was about breaking so the person you cared for would feel a little more whole.

Breaking my oath. Breaking myself. Breaking the back of love.

Because love is like death.

Inevitable.

I was in love with Rei before I brought her here. All of her. The manic, the flirty, the depressed, the brilliant and artistic.

But the moment I realized it was a lot later —when I thought she died in my arms.

She was cracking my heart every day among the clan, shattering it with every flirty smile, and it didn't make sense because how could she break something I didn't have anymore?

I'm yours

I suffered her toying with my clan to tear me apart, following her instinct, some probably repressed or deleted memory in the back of her subconscious.

I'm yours

I endured their little games, as they kept tabs, counting with who she kissed and with who she made out, watching them readjusting their hard-ons when she left the room.

I'm yours

I didn't miscalculate that day in the park. I told her on purpose. I was that desperate to tell her.

I'm yours

I hoped that there was a chance she remembered.

Me. Her promise. A kiss. A word. Anything.

But she didn't.

No one knew why I avoided her.

No one suspected why it was so painful to be around her.

I knew.

As I knew one day she would take my soul, set it on fire, and walk all over my ashes when it was all done and dealt with.

You wanna know now, that head-bashing, skull-cracking truth?

Nanami never intended for Rei to become Oyabun.

I realized it that week, when she tried to throw me off track, fake-signing all her assets under Rei's name. I realized she wanted me to see it.

I realized she was the one who sent those four guys that attacked her. To show me she still owns me. To see if I would intervene. And I was close to, but thank fuck I didn't. At least not until after.

I realized she was manipulating me. That I was just a pawn for her grand plan.

She wanted to check if I would tell her. If it would affect me. If I'd stay loyal.

It wasn't Rei the one she was training.

It was me.

I was the one destined to be Oyabun all along.

But I thought that I was given a second chance to make things right.

I took advantage of her pseudocide and being the only person knowing about Rei and having direct orders. I did keep my promise and brought her to Seoul under my protection. But I changed something in Nanami's plan.

I made Rei's file, shoved it down RM's throat, and convinced everyone that Nanami left everything to her. No one even blinked since I was the only one who knew about her.

I had many reasons.

I disobeyed my Oyabun.

I didn't just turn the tables on her plan. I actually burned the fucking table and laughed as I watched it collapse.

And now Nanami is fucking pissed. Ballistic.

But she can't do anything about it. She won't risk interfering. Getting exposed. Ruining her still working plan.

The week before she "died" ordered me to bring Rei to Seoul.

As a member of the seven seas. As a member of my clan. My heritage. Her way to atone.

Now Sakai is dead.

Now my father is undermined.

No one has putten two and two together.

No one knows that Nanami chose me.

That now both clans belong to me.

I am their Oyabun.

And they don't have a fucking clue about it.

And that's not even the biggest secret I've kept from Nanami's plans.

"...Too bad then, that you are not my Oyabun."

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim