"Narcissists are like parasitic bugs that leech onto you and essentially suck the life out of you, then when you are no longer useful, they discard you. It's called the narcissistic abuse cycle."

"Yeah, thanks for the irrelevant quote, what has this anything to do with the fact you haven't updated this story since the beginning of time?"

Nothing. It has nothing to do with that, or maybe it has and I don't know it yet, but this is and always will be my safe space and I felt like updating you or entertaining you perhaps, with my story for a change.

The quote on the beginning might be from google, but is the same thing my therapist said before handing me my assignment for next week: To understand, figure out and identify the patterns of the circle of the narcissist that apply to my relationship with my ex. My ex who I thought that was the most kind, caring, smart, funny, creative human being I have ever met, the same person I thought we had such good chemistry that I swore he was my soulmate, that we used to talk for hours and I had idealized everything about him and our relationship in my head, and cried for days and nights and more days and more nights when he left me in what seemed all of a sudden for me because according to him he has tried too hard and can't try anymore, he loves me but doesn't feel anything for me anymore and guess what, it is harder for him than it is for me because he is such a good person and he doesn't want to see others in pain but then he will get angry because he told me many times what bothers him and I just keep doing it,(like his ex did) and I manipulated him into moving in with me, I gaslit him, I stonewalled, I backpedaled when I tried to explain my self, and basically everything is my fault each and every time he tried to fix things I just avoided him and honestly you know what's the worst part about all this?
I believed him.
I still do sometimes.
I went to therapy asking for help because I was convinced I am a narcissist and I manipulate people and forget that I can barely speak from crying, it's because I do it for emotional manipulation, isn't it? It must be since I am this evil, horrible villain that did all those things.
Well, after many weeks and hourly sessions, after getting diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder (great combo must admit) and struggling with reality since I don't trust my self for fucking anything anymore, here I am, having to write an essay so I can identify the narcissistic abuse I have experienced, that was so covert, so masked, so so sly, that I would have never in my life seen it if it wasn't for a certified professional helping me through it.

Btw just realized that I am obviously procrastinating and instead of writing the essay I am writing this. Or should I just hand him this for an essay?

Anyways, I think I don't need to elaborate anymore today about the narc situation.

I will just say, careful what you wish for. Before meeting my ex I wished to find someone that could be so smart that we could be in the same wavelength, that we would live in our own bubble and exchange ideas and be creative together and finally someone will get me.
Well the fucker outsmarted me.
You can never win a narcissist. Don't even try.
I still struggle to accept that this even happened because I have to imply that I victimize myself in the process. And I hate both victimizing myself and being a victim, mostly because I didn't see it coming, so then I am self-blaming.
Sincerely, I thank the fucker for one thing and one thing only.
For leaving me.
Because I was so neck deep in shit attached into him and his game that I would have never left on my own. I was just always wondering what am I doing wrong again, what do I need to fix so he will be happy, walking on eggshells and agreeing with him so I wouldn't aggravate him or because I couldn't handle the mental struggle of another argument that he just can't see my side but I see his but he has more arguments so he has to win in the end, even though I am the one that is impossible to satisfy.

There were times I was thinking I must have manifested him for being so perfect, that he was my own version of Suga.
And he had many of his traits. Personality-wise.
Maybe that's why I can't get back to this story yet. He reminds me of Suga too much, more than I ever wished for, and unfortunately, not at the nice parts. All the bads are too similar to pretend I don't see though.
The fucker even "randomly" dyed his hair white blond. Ditched the glasses and started wearing only contacts. Became a copy of what I had as the perfect boyfriend in my mind, only to stop being that when he didn't have anything else to gain from me and ditched me when I became only a shell of what I used to be.
So no, I don't think I will be getting back on this story for now. Maybe I will when I don't care anymore. When it won't hurt like it does now. When I find myself again.
We will see.
Until then,

Always yours,
Suki_desu_Senpai