Six months before now

"Nooooo"

Suga thought as he saw Rain from the window of his rental appartment, packing a backpack.

What kind of trouble was she into this time? It was really hard keeping up with her life while going back and forth from there to Seoul every three months or so. Where the hell was she going this time?

"I'm not following her to a fucken mountain cliff again!" He murmured thinking what a pain in the ass she is. Her and her stupid adrenaline impulses. " She is fine without me anyway..." He sighed.

And let her go.

Even though he felt uneasy about it. He had that feeling every time he left her to go back to Seoul anyway, but the last two years it was getting more intense.

He didn't want to admit it to himself but he cared.

He felt that eventhough they had never actually met or talked, he had bonded with her somehow. And he was getting worried about her, more everytime he saw her.

But he had seen how strong she is and how she can protect herself and respected her privacy too much to mingle into every bussiness of hers everytime he was there.

Just doing the basic Nanami had ordered was the que. Just keep her updated.

There were of course times that he couldn't understand what she had in that stupid head of hers, what made her do all these stupid things.

But he had a clue. He had figured out that the last couple of years at least, she was depressed. She had moments that she was kinda happy, but most of the time she was pretending to be. Why can none of all those stupid friends of hers see it? But the big question was, why was she hidding it?

She left and got into a car with another girl and two guys, all same age, more or less. Loud music was playing and they were all shouting excited.

As the car turned around the block, he knew the drill.

The weird thing is that thankfully none of the neighbors had noticed him all these times, he had broken into.

He connected on her laptop, as usual, and noticed that either she had stopped on purpose deleting everything she did on her history, either something worse.

She didn't care anymore to do it.

He found bookings for three days on a town, about two hours far away. She had been there again last summer, for surfing. But now is the middle of February, so they probably went on a seaside challet, as he confirmed from the bookings.

A weird heartbeat suddenly starts in his chest.

Not the kind of one he gets, everytime he sees her when he arrives again after months. The second one.

She is going to do something stupid.

The plot of her intentions starts to unravel in his mind as it hits him.

They are supposed to stay for three days, yet she only packed for one day.

She didn't care to erase her history cause she doesn't intend to come back.

He didn't spare any more seconds, just turned off the laptop, and run out of the appartment towards his rental car. He actually finds cars boring, but in Sweeden this time of the year, the road is full of ice.

He speeded up while placing the address of the beach house/challet in the gps of his phone, thankful that he followed his curiosity and instict which guided him to find out. There was plenty of time to follow them, even pass them and wait for them there. But after?

What then? Just wait to see what happens?

Since there was no other option, that's exactly what he did. He also checked into a hotel, half a kilometer away from the chalet. A good walking distance, not too far to make in the icy path, not too close to get noticed.

He parked the car closer, in order to be able to surveil, and stayed there, as the rest of them arrived and got in to unpack. It was midday so the four of them had lunch, and walked around the icy forest for a couple of hours until they stopped in the middle of it to smoke some weed.

Suga stopped following them bored, and went back to the room he booked, questioning if his conclusion was right.

Had she fooled him too?

"Don't you fucking dare doing it!" He murmured gritting his teeth.

2 a.m.

Rain sneaked out after everyone else had fallen asleep.

She walked towards the beach, listening to music on her earplugs. Then, sitted on the coast for a good half hour, eventhough the temperature was below zero.

Suga was shivering and starting to be on the verge of hypothermia at this point. But he couldn't leave. So he also waited a few meters behind to keep a safe distance. It was pitch black dark, and the frozen waves crushed on the coast every few seconds, creating a chilling atmosphere.

She lights another cigarette and halfway through it, throws it away and gets up.

Her boots were sinking on the ice, then on the wet stones and pebles. Then in the frozen water.

"Don't you fucking dare!" He continued and his breath was getting faster, synchronizing with his heartbeat.

"I can't help you!" He looked at her figure slowly half vanishing in the black sea.

Her knees were unvisible now. The waves that crashed on her legs, didn't move her at all, she resisted the force of nature, like an ancient column. Then slowly but steadily continued until only her half upper body was distinguished under the fading moonlight.

Suga realized two things. One, that he is already panicking. And two, she will actually go through with it, this time.

He knew that this was not a cry for help attempt. She didn't want to be saved. She didn't let anyone know what she was thinking. And he couldn't do anything about it. He was dead too.

Option one was to go stop her before she drowns, revealing himself and then Nanami kills him.

Option too was letting her, then still Nanami kills him.

How the hell did he get into the position that she was his responsibility?

But in spite of whatever Nanami would do to him in any case, he couldn't just let her do whatever the fuck she wants this time.

She was too precious to him to lose.

Her head sank in the black ocean, and he could feel the spiking frozen water on her body, eventhough he was far away.

The desicion of his life had just presented itself in front of him, and he never thought he would be into this position.

He closed his eyes and bitted the inside of his cheeks hard, as he could feel his heart pumping in his ears. His stomach started turning with pain. He tried to move but felt frozen into position, maybe from the temperature, maybe from the lack of options.

He opens his eyes trying to distinguish her figure in the sea, but nothing is there.

He was hoping until the last second that she will come into her senses and change her mind.

He smiles bitterly with irony as he realizes.

That he can't do it. He can't let her go.

He will risk exposing himself in order to stop her.

"Fuck!" He says loudly as he jumps and runs towards the shore, resisting the pull from his weight sinking into ice and stones.

His heart beats into its limits, as he reaches the start of the water, where the waves crush.

She is nowhere to be seen.

His phone vibrates into his pocket, and he pulls it out without thinking, with fast moves.

It's fucking Nanami.

In South Korea, it's 9.30 a.m and she wants a report most probably.

"Fuck you, right now!" He yells and throws the phone behind his back, without giving a shit to answer it, then steps into the frozen saltwater and feels a million sharp knives that keep his feet from moving.

It's cold beyond comprehention.

How did she get into? She must have really wanted to do it. It's so painfull.

He struggles internally, unable to think clearly.

"I can't believe she is pulling a fucking titanic on me." He sighs embracing the irony that sourrounds the situation.

Then takes a last huge breath, filling his lungs with the frozen air that makes his chest hurt, and with a fast, ripping a bandaid off-like move, he jumps inside.

Never felt death to be so close. Not even when a gun was pointed right at his temple.

This force of nature was too vigorous to battle.

It was a sure death. That's why she chose it.

She planned it.

Struggling to stay out for air, as the heavy weight of his clothes in combination with the enormous wave currents swift his body around, he comes to the point to think that she is most probably dead already, and most probably, he can't get out either.

But he doesn't care. He continues searching and struggling, unable to see underwater, from the lack of light. It's all pitch black.

What keeps him fighting is that he is unable to accept that he will never see her again.

He has to.

Otherwise, all these years mean nothing.

To her obviously they do actually mean nothing, but not to him.

She has to find out at some point.

He feels something against his arm and pulls it with force, only for disappointment to almost kill him when he feels that it's some kind of heavy fabric. Her jacket.

He doesn't accept to be let down by that, knowing that it means she is close.

So he dived underneath and opened his eyes, trying to get them used to the darkness and the freeze, while a few torturing seconds pass until he actually makes it.

She is, in fact close. Just sinking slowly underneath. Just a shadow form in the dark ocean, with her hair floating around as her fate moves parallel with gravity.

He swims downwards and tries to pull her from her hand, but instead, he feels resistance from body weight pulling him downwards. Her eyes are closed and her mouth half open, not even bubbles of air coming out of it.

Then dives deeper and grabs her from her waist, where is easier to balance her weight. But still, she is too hard to lift.

He tries to hug her and grab her, to lead her up, when he feels that he is totally out of breath, and he can't last a second longer without getting out.

Sure death.

From the hug-way grabbing, he feels something hard like a metallic belt around her waist.

She was wearing weights. The kind that divers wear, in order to get deep underwater fast.

He takes the weight belt of as fast as he can, as fast as his frozen hands are able to move, then she suddenly feels a lot lighter, and easy to move.

He needs to take this breath of air immediately and pulls her towards the surface.

And even though the torturing seconds to reach the end of the water until the liberating surface seem to last for an eternity, he makes it.

He grasps all the air that his lungs could afford, swallowing also some water meanwhile, as the waves crush his head.

It's not over. He has to get both of them out.

Summoning all of his strength, all of his focus, all of his feelings and the reasons he has to succeed in this, he fights his way out, pulling Rains body with him.

He thought till now, that being in the water was the worst part.

Until he realized that he made it out.

And Rain is not breathing. Not moving. Her heart is not beating.

He lays her on the pebbles, where the waves cannot hit them and looks her for a few seconds, lost.

He runs immediately towards the place he threw his phone, cursing for the waste of precious seconds.

He finds it and looks at the time. The screen must have landed on a rock and cracked. But the time was still visible.

She is unconscious for seven minutes. That long had passed.

Is it enough to kill someone?

He runs back to her lifeless body and starts pushing on her chest with both of his hands to perform CPR.

Nothing happens.

He continues pushing harder, gritting his teeth from agony.

"Don't you fucking dare dying!" He yelled but he knew that she couldn't hear him.

Still, it wasn't working.

But he didn't give up.

He pinched her nose closed, then took a breath. He leaned close over her, and gently covered her mouth with his to create an airtight seal, and then gave her the breath.

Still nothing.

"Fucking again, then." He spoke to himself as he felt his heart losing its rhythm.

And he repeated the whole process from the start. For too many times. He stopped counting after fifteen or sixteen.

His body continued even though his mind had gone into a dark place, slowly accepting the facts.

She is dead.

"Why the fuck you do stupid things every time I leave you alone?" He looked at her wet emotionless face. Even frozen to death, still painfully beautiful.

He can't accept that he will never feel how her lips would feel, warm and responding against his.

He leans over her again and cares about nothing anymore. His body has forgotten that he is wet and sitting on a beach at almost 3 am where the temperature is -14.

Even though his mind was saying one last try, he ignored it. He ignored it the last ten times at least.

She wasn't responding to anything.

What could wake her up?

He looked around to find something.

She left her phone on the rocks before entering the sea. He finds it and puts on earplug on him. It was still playing music. She never turned it off.

The battery was low, she didn't charge it. No one would use it anymore.

The unknown playing song was deeply sad.

He puts the other earplug on her and leans over to give mouth to mouth again, closing her nose holding her hand this time. He breaths into her as he feels something on her hand.

A slight pulse.

She never lost her pulse. It was too slowed down to be felt, because of her dropped body temperature.

He feels her lips moving under his, and his heartbeat breaks the limits.

She is alive.

He pulls back instantly as he watches her moving and start to regain control of her body.

FUCKING RUN.

That was the last thought he had close to her.

And he did, as fast as he could. As fast as his petrified legs would allow him, to vanish behind the closest trees, from where he could safely make sure she was fine, after she coughed all the water from her lungs out, choking and taking deep breaths at the same time for several minutes.

He sighed relieved, as the heaviest weight he ever felt on his chest was lifted by the sight of her open eyes.

She was looking around, like trying to find something or someone.

Suga leaned back behind the tree, to make sure she wouldn't see him.

What troubled him was the emotion on her face. She didn't look scared, not a bit. The opposite actually. Her expression was a mixture of surprised and ecstatic. Like she had just found the meaning of life. And that excited her.

Rain's first thought after she regained her senses, was that her attempt never happened, she just dreamed of it. But when her wet clothes brought her back to reality, she thought that the waves must have washed her out to the shore.

For Rain, that night carries a bittersweet memory. Something that started bad but left her with a sweet, longing feeling.

For Suga, that night he admitted to himself, what he felt a long time now. He was so fucking burned, that he was ready to drown.

"That idiot saved my life."

A.N.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

That's the song that was playing on her phone when Suga found it if you are interested. I found it accidentally!

I loved Akira Yamaoka since I was a child. But never before listened or paid attention to this specific song, and youtube threw it at me while I was writing the part that I mentioned it. The universe aligns for me to write this book. XD The lyrics are like they are made as a soundtrack for this chapter.
🙃