"I am moving out."

The four of us stared up at her, each of us with slightly different variations of shocked expressions plastered on our faces. Tìa seemed more on the distressed side, Tìo confused, Julio like he was still trying to decipher what the words meant, and I imagined I looked mildly offended.

Nancy stood in front of the couch where we were all seated. Her arms were crossed against her chest and her lips formed a thin line. Her stance was clear: This was an announcement, not a question. I thought I had heard the sound of boxes being dragged across the floor in the early morning. Not only was she being serious but she looked as if she had her mind made up about this for a while.

"I can't afford the house that Adonis and I were going to move into so I'm going to be moving into my own apartment. Somewhere closer to town."

"Nancy, it hasn't been very long since Adonis passed. You want to be living on your own so soon?" I asked, as gently as I could. From the corner of my eye, I saw our aunt and uncle nod in agreement.

"You wouldn't understand," she said, turning her back and nudging one of the boxes on the living room floor. "I still have to look for a place but I'm sorting through all the stuff Adonis had sent to the new house. His brother is going to come look through the stuff I don't want to see if he'll want to take it."

"Can I look through some of the stuff?" Julio asked while scratching the back of his head. "After Fernando takes what he wants."

I often forgot that Julio had been pretty good buddies with Adonis. At first, Adonis's attempts at getting to know Julio seemed like a ploy to sweet talk his way into getting the family to like him. He knew very well that in our latin culture, family was everything. If he was going to have Nancy, he was going to have to convince all of us we wanted him at all the Thanksgiving dinners and New Year's Eve parties for the rest of our lives. However, with Julio, things changed quickly. They both shared a love for arcade games and baseball. Soon, the two would hang out together on their own, like when they drove to New York City to watch the Yankees play. Somewhere in the process of faking pleasantries, Adonis grew attached to the teen. It seemed the feeling was mutual.

Nancy smiled. It was a nostalgic kind of smile and I could tell she was thinking about the two's connection as well. "Yeah. Yeah, of course."

The family cleared out of the living room, Julio following his father out into the backyard. I hoped it was to ask him about the gun he found in his room yesterday. I wanted to know more about the line of thinking that had led to the purchase of the gun. I wondered if Nancy knew. All of this wondering and yet I was reluctant to say anything in risk of them knowing that I knew. I didn't want to remind anyone of my past. It was a miracle that none of them were trying to coddle me after the wedding. A part of them must have worried that it would diminish all my progress and made me that scared little girl again. Nancy's loss had overshadowed that and though it was wrong, I was grateful for that.

As long as they were worrying about Nancy, they weren't worrying about me.

__________________

Nancy needed to start moving some of Adonis's old stuff from the house they where planning to move into post honeymoon. Everyone went with her because she was going to need the extra hands. There was tons of furniture to sell and clothes to donate. I was actually excited about getting to see some of Adonis's old things. I knew that a single shirt or pair of shoes would unlock a new memory, giving parts of him back to us. If I caught his scent of cedar trees and smoky air, then for a second, I could pretend that he wasn't gone.

But Nancy told me to stay back.

"It's not that I don't want you poking around his stuff, it's just I think you should get some rest. You've been looking pale lately," she said, rubbing my arm as she stood in the doorway. I was already dressed to go, sliping my shoes on and everything. "I know that the shooting must have dug up some stuff for you. I think you may be using Adonis to run from that. Maybe it's better if you take a time out."

My only reaction was to stand there with my lips parted, eyes glassy because of how the accusation stung. I wasn't using Adonis. I wasn't dreaming of seeing him again every night to escape my childhood trauma. I wasn't crying in the shower because the gunmen and gunshots had scared me. Adonis was why I was pale and tired. I missed him.

She misinterpreted my tears. She gave me a sympathetic smile that was self congratulatory, like she did a good job of playing therapist. "I'll tell the others you weren't feeling well."

Although this time I was certain I was left alone in the house, I still wanted the assurance that I was safe. In order to have that, I invited Darren over.

It was sunset when he arrived. The taillights of his car seeped through the orange hue the sun had placed on my living room curtains, bathing them in a yellow tone. By the time he had parked outside, I was already opening the door. The sky above him was an angry red, casting objects in dark shadows. His golden hair appeared almost black in the lighting and his features were vieled by the lack thereof.

He gazed up at me through his lashes as he climbed the porch steps. "Were you waiting by the door for me?"

I gave him a sheepish grin. "No?"

"No need to be ashamed. I've been known to have that effect on the ladies," he said, a smug smile on his lips.

He planted a kiss on my lips before entering the house. Then he slipped off his fancy work shoes, following me into the living room and taking our usual spot on the couch - two cushions to the left. It was all learnt choreography. 

I had been meaning to ask how Darren had been processing the events of the wedding for a while but the days afterward were filled with so much noise. There were police reports, the funeral, work, family stuff. It was go, go, go and then a sudden silence. There wasn't much more left of the aftermath but all the unpleasant feelings that no one knew how to deal with.

Playing with the edges of the quilt beside me, I asked, "So, how are you? Like, really."

"Fine?" Darren shrugged, blowing out a breath of air as he thought. "I don't know. It all happened so quickly. I didn't actually see anything too scary at the wedding. I just heard screaming and gunshots. My priority was getting you out of there so . . . once I knew you were okay, I was fine. Since then, I've been fine."

"You never think about that night? The sound of gunshots or people running? Nancy in her blood soaked dress?"

"I see it in my nightmares sometimes. It's upsetting but I'm getting my work done, still sleeping fairly well. I don't feel depressed or anything," he said, resting his arm behind me on the couch. When he peered down at me, his expression was gentle. "Do you?"

"No," I replied quickly. "I miss Adonis mostly. I'm angry about what the police said -"

"What he did was so irresponsible!" His skin flushed red as spoke. His fists balled up. "He should have known it would catch up to him. I'm glad those guys went after Adonis and Adonis alone. They could have easily used Nancy or any of you all as leverage to get him to pay back what he owed. More people could have ended up hurt."

The thought had crossed my mind as well. If the gunmen thought Adonis owed them money, what was to stop them from taking Nancy hostage until he paid them back? Or shooting one wedding guest at a time until he told them where the stolen drugs were hidden? If what the police were saying was true, it sounded like we got off easy - that Adonis got off easy.

The thought made me sick.

"You think he really did those things?" I knew he did by his strong reaction. I was just hopeful that someone would have the same thought as me, that I wasn't completely alone in my stance.

"Mickey, it's what the detectives have concluded. You may edit some true crime novels for work but I think if anyone is going to solve this case, it's the professionals."

What he said reminded me of Nancy's words when she caught me speaking with Tìo and Tìa. I was the one being crazy for not believing what the detectives were saying. I needed to get off my high horse and suck it up like the rest of them.

"But you've spent time with Adonis," I persisted. " You knew him. Do you think he was capable of those things? Or that he'd want to do those things?"

Darren's tone became indifferent. "People do all sorts of things for all kinds of reasons. I never put anything past anyone."

He wasn't wrong. I knew very well that it was true. My father killed my mother for the most empty of reasons. If I was on the outside looking in, I would agree. It was perfectly plausible that a man could live a double life like that. But I wasn't on the outside. I was friends with Adonis. He was my family.

"So you believe it because bad people can pretend to be good?"

Darren's posture shifted sharply. He sat back against the couch to look me in the eye, lowering his head so I caught every word.

"No, Mickey. All people are bad. The only thing that varies is the degree."

Darren could be like that sometimes. He was goofy and warm ninety percent of the time. The other ten percent of times were random bursts of intensity. The moments had never ceased to take me off guard but they were exciting nonetheless. The first time he told me he loved me was one of those bursts of intensity. Yet, something about this time felt different. Maybe it was his words or the situation surrounding it all but it felt like gravity had been turned up. My clothes felt heavy against my skin and the air that entered theough my lips weighed on my lungs.

I redirected my gaze to the television as I tried to remember how to breathe.

We scrolled through the movies we could watch on the living room big screen. Darren let the cursor hover over the genre options.

"What kind of movie are we looking to watch tonight?"

"Something with a happy ending," I said, adjusting his arm so the cursor would move away from the tragedy and drama genres. "What kind of character do you think you'd be if you were in a movie?"

"Me?" Darren threw his head back in thought. "I'd be an extra but you'd be the it girl that is too good for the dufus main character."

I squinted at him. Even after all the time we had been together, I remained suspicious of his flattery. Sometimes it felt too unrealistic that someone like him thought so highly of me. It was the earnestness in his every word, how he made it clear he wasn't throwing around empty compliments to appease me. I felt undeserving of his adoration. It didn't matter how much I gave to him in our relationship, it felt like he was worth much more - like I was ripping him off without even trying.

As if he could see the chaos going on in my head, he leaned in close, his breath tickling my cheek. "You're too good for this world."

__________________

When Nancy and the others got back from clearing out Adonis's things, I pretended to be asleep. Darren had left a few minutes before they arrived and so I simply turned out the lights in my room and laid still in bed. I didn't want to see if Julio came back with any of Adonis's things. I didn't want to hear about how it felt like to throw out his stuff, further erasing him from the world. Most of all, I didn't want Nancy to look at me with the same pity filled eyes she did when she left.

The next day, I was able to evade everyone completely until the afternoon. It was once Tìo and Titi came back from work and Julio from school that I could no longer hide out in my room.

The tone of my uncle's voice as he called me down the stairs was a familiar one yet not often reserved for me. During my school years I was quiet in class, handed in all my work, and never ditched. Nancy was a little different. Not a rebel perse but prone to let a grade slip to hang out with friends or break a curfew one too many times. I recognized the tone of voice mostly because of her. It had been a while since either of us had been scolded. Tìo and Tìa often let us be as long as we respected them by doing the little things like cleaning after ourselves. I had no idea what I could have done to set them off.

Darren was over while they were gone.

But he left far before they could have spotted him leaving.

Tìa's face confirmed my theory that they were mad or at the very least disappointed. She rested her head in her hand and slouched over the kitchen table. Her husband stood beside her, legs crossed and leaning an arm on the wall.

"Mickey, sit down," he said.

I took a seat across from them. The threads of my sweater made me itchy under their gaze.

All of our positions in the room reminded me of when the cops had interviewed me about the wedding. It had been late in the night when they were finally able to interview us, so late that they let us go home and come back in the morning. I remembered being asked about what I saw during the shooting which was what I expected them to ask about. What I didn't expect was their questions about Nancy and Adonis's relationship, our family, and our past with our father. They were probably just trying to cover all their bases since it was so early in their investigation but the questions unsettled me. Though I was guilty of nothing, I couldn't help but worry they would catch me in a lie or condemn me for something.

"We are very worried," my uncle said.

About me? It probably had something to do with what Nancy said to me in the doorway before they left yesterday. Maybe what she said hadn't come from Nancy but my aunt and uncle. Maybe they were all ganging up on me together. Years and years of proving to them that I was okay after mom died would be flushed down the drain. Years of proving that I was more durable than a tea cup made of china, years of fighting for the chance at some freedom, some chance at independence was gone. Forget wanting the chance to take the car out myself. I would be lucky to go to the supermarket on my own.

They were certain that I was going to crumble after the trauma of the wedding, the loss of Adonis, and all that it brought up for me. They must have been watching me. Maybe they had heard me crying or saw that I'd been eating less. But it wasn't because of the wedding or my past trauma. It was because of Adonis. It was because no one believed in him.

"It's time we address some of the things that happened at the wedding," Tìo continued. "Julio got drunk at the wedding. We don't tolerate those kinds of things in this household and we are afraid it wasn't a one time thing."

The weight that had been placed on my chest was replaced by a lighter one.

"Is he drinking again?"

I had marked off Julio's behavior at the wedding as pure curiosity. He's fifteen. He wanted to experiment with alcohol and having been at a wedding there was access to it.

"He hasn't been speaking to us and when he does it's constant arguing," Tìa said, turning red with anger. "Your uncle smelled alcohol on his breath a few nights ago and a bottle of whiskey happened to go missing at the bodega he works at."

"Oh." I had no idea what to say. Julio had always been a good kid. He had always been on my side when Nancy's or my aunt's wrath would strike. I felt compelled to plead his case but the evidence against him was damming.

"Maybe he is having a hard time coping with everything. What could have started out as a one time thing could have became more -"

"We don't know what it is," Tìo said. "We were hoping that since you are closer to his age that you could talk to him. Maybe he will listen to you more than he will to us."

Tìa nodded. "He looks up to you."

I couldn't help but beam at that last part. Sure, it could have been them trying to butter me up in order to get me to talk with their son for them but the idea that Julio thought I was cool or at the very least admirable made me sit up a little straighter.

"I'll go talk to him now."

I wondered if he was acting the way he was because he was grieving Adonis or if he felt guilty about drinking in some abandoned ballroom while the shooting was happening or if this was entirely unrelated. I knew from experience that teens were very much in their formative years. Julio could have been trying to work out who he was and we had to be prepared for him to be different from the goody two shoes he was when he was a child.

I found Julio in the backyard. He was on his phone with his earbuds in. He was so engrossed in whatever he was doing he didn't notice me until I tapped his shoulder. He made room for me to take the chair beside him on the deck.

"It's a little chilly out. I'm surprised you're not inside."

Julio dropped his earbuds onto the table. "They send you out here to talk to me?"

My silence spoke for itself.

He scoffed. "Figures."

The blunt approach it was. "What's going on with you lately?"

Julio tugged on the strings of his hoodie, focusing his gaze on the graying sky. "I don't regret drinking at the wedding if that's what they want to hear. Things worked out. If I hadn't, who knows what might have happened to me or my parents."

No one was arguing against that point. No one wished Julio had stayed sober and been where all the men with guns were. He knew that. He was only trying to get out of answering any real questions. Avoidance was Julio's only strategy to evade being honest.

"That's fair enough," I said, choosing not to reveal how well I could see through him. "Why did you choose to drink that night?"

Julio's jaw tensed. He turned his head away from me and towards the fence. He remained silent.

"Why are you giving your parents a hard time? Does it have to do with the gun?"

"Dad confirmed the theory we had come up with," he answered, seemingly eager to grip onto the change of subject. "He bought it after the wedding. He told me not to tell you about the gun. He doesn't know you know."

"Does Nancy know?

"Yeah."

Of course she did. They probably told Nancy everything. She probably knew loads of things that I didn't. I could vividly remember all the times I had innocently wandered into the kitchen when the three of them were chatting. They'd go silent whenever I entered.

It was suddenly me who wanted to change the subject.

"So, why the sudden drinking? You know that it isn't good for you, especially at your age."

My bluntness must have clued him in on the fact that I wouldn't stop pushing until he gave me something. He knew his parents sent me out here and after hearing how they had told everyone but me about the gun, I wasn't going back to them without an answer.

"I want some space," he finally said, his shoulders collapsing. "I just want to be my own person or whatever - don't want to feel controlled."

A teengager rebelling because they want to feel independent from their parents. Where had I heard that one before? It was so cliche I almost didn't believe it. Maybe it was cliche because it happened so often. Maybe Julio was checking off the boxes of what it meant to be a teengaer.

"You're already your own person." As I said it, I realized how true it is. It was difficult for me to understand how he didn't see it. Having been raised in the United States, Julio was very much molded differently than his mother and father. He listened to music his parents would never give time to, he was more artistic than athletic, he had his own job and paid for his own phone bill. I would have argued Julio had more autonomy than the average fifteen year old. The only way he could have had more was if he moved out.

"No. You don't understand." Julio's voice was sharper than the end of a blade. His brown eyes seemed raven black against the storm clouds in the sky. "I could never stand to live a life like yours: trapped and not even knowing it. No one respects you - I want to be respected."

He spit the words at me with such passion that I couldn't cool their sting by excusing them as an off handed statement made in anger. There was a rawness in his delivery - like he almost didn't want to say it but was compelled to. It didn't feel like a punch to the gut - not exactly. It was more like a bad diagnosis from a doctor. It wasn't an insult. He was trying to point out something.

Trapped was not the first adjective I would have used to describe my life. Trapped in what, exactly? A loving home and family? In obedience and respect to those that I love?

Maybe it's not what he meant but that was the point wasn't it? I couldn't understand what he meant because I was trapped and didn't know it.

I wanted to walk away from him. It irritated me that a simple sentence from Julio could cause me to spiral into insecurity. To think that I had let my aunt convince me that he looked up to me. He told me it was the exact opposite straight to my face.

He walked away first, slamming the backdoor in the process.

Good talk. 

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