"Ethan, you look terrible!" Misty exclaims. She jumps up from her spot on the other side of the table and is yanking me out of my chair in an instant. "You look like you're going to puke!"

I nod as much as I can, my mind and body in such a complete disarray I can only cling to Misty and my father. Julia reaches for me, but Misty yanks me away from the table, leading me out of the room.

"Stay here, he doesn't want you to watch him puke," Misty calls to Julia as we round the table. "Come on, Ethan. Did you drink last night?"

I risk a glance back at Julia. She is surprised and worried, but thankfully, it doesn't look like she is going to follow me. She is puzzled, too. She knows that something isn't quite right.

Thankfully, Sierra is already there, offering an eyeroll and a comment about how Misty puts enough sugar in her baking to give anyone food poisoning.

Misty shoves me into one of the communal bathrooms just inside, down the hallway from the living room. It's only ever used for guests, and it's someone's job to clean it daily, but the sight of the toilet forces me to my knees and wrings every last bite of cake out of me.

Misty crouches unflinchingly beside me, sweeping my hair off of my forehead, rubbing my shoulders. She deftly reaches to turn on the bathroom fan so we won't be overheard.

"It isn't her?" she whispers.

I shake my head as I flush the toilet, a deep feeling of impending doom in my chest. But the bubble has not quite burst. I can still make myself believe this is all a nightmare, all just a bad dream born of pre-birthday jitters.

"Stay here," Misty says, standing up. I sit there limply for a moment before I reach to turn the fan off, listening to the dining room beside me.

"He said something about yellow 5?" Misty is saying. I can hardly hear her over the din of breathing and beating hearts. I usually can't bear to pay this much attention to my hearing. It can be overwhelming.

"Yes, he's intolerant," my father says immediately.

There's a clapping noise, like someone caught something. "Yellow 5 in the lemon gel," Sierra sighs.

"Does he need to go to a hospital?!" Julia exclaims.

"No. He'll just be... pretty sick for a few hours," my dad replies. He clears his throat. "Um... I'll drive you home, Julia."

"Okay. I'll tell him goodbye real quick," Julia says. I hear a rush of racing heartbeats as everyone tries to figure out a way to keep her away from me. No one can come up with anything that won't be suspicious.

I force myself to my feet and turn on the faucet, splashing my face with cold water. There is a knock at the door, and I open it immediately.

Julia's blue eyes are wide in concern as she looks up at me. I try to look as beaten and small as I can as I give her as big of a smile as I can manage.

"Sorry, Jules," I whisper, shaking my head. "I feel like shit."

Julia nods, her eyes tracing down my body. I think of last night and get nauseous again. What will my soulmate think when she finds out I slept with someone else just last night?!

I hate myself.

"Your dad will take care of you. Text me, okay?" she says gently.

I nod. "I will. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," she says with a light laugh. "Shitty birthday, huh? It's okay. We'll have a proper one when you feel better."

I think she's talking about sex. Oh, Idols. I can't think of that. I can't bear it.

I give her a weak smile, but then the nausea overcomes me. I think Julia sees the difference in me. She steps forward as I turn toward the toilet again, but I manage to hiss a word as I step toward the porcelain receptacle. "Go!"

She, of course, will think that I don't want her to see me vomit. She has no idea it's the thought of her touching me, comforting me, that is making me so sick.

"Love you!" she says quickly before shutting the door. I empty my guts again into the bowl. When I am certain that there is not a single calorie of nutrition left in my body, I flush the toilet and slump onto the tiled floor, exhausted, sweating, disgusting, and horrified.

Julia is not my soulmate.

The girl I love, the girl I want to marry, the girl I daydreamt of baby-clothes shopping with, is not my soulmate. She is not the person I will spend the rest of my life with. Every promise I made her is now broken, even if she doesn't know it yet. I can never touch her again. I will never kiss her again. I will never hold her again.

I will never love her again.

My heart cracks into two pieces as I lay on the floor, tears welling into my eyes. One of the pieces belongs to Julia. To my perfect, sweet girl who gives me so much more than she asks in return. There is guilt and shame and horror at the thought of her feeling this pain, this heartbreak, over something that is not either of our faults. She will suffer, though she has done nothing. She will hurt, even though she is perfect.

The other half of my heart belongs to my soulmate. I feel awful for her, too. My value in a relationship has plummeted. She will be inheriting a brokenhearted boy of unfinished dreams. Though she, too, has done nothing wrong, she will suffer from this mess nearly as much as Julia will.

I want to stop feeling. I want it all to go away.

There are gentle hands on my lower legs, their owner silent, just a comforting presence in this hailstorm of misery. It's my father. I sit up and collapse into his hug, crying against his shoulder like a toddler.

He lets me cry until my heart is too broken to feel much more right now. The nerves have been burned through. The muscle must heal before it can endure more pain.

And it will. I will carry this heartache for decades.

"Your mother had a boyfriend when I realized she was my mate," my dad whispers.

I look up at him, wiping my eyes with the sleeves of the new sweatshirt Julia got me. I cringe and yank off the sweatshirt, still looking at my dad for an elaboration.

"She was a wolf," he explains. "So she felt the bond, too. Just not as hard as I did. She was hurting for a long time. It's a difficult thing, Ethan, but this is the way the Idols wanted it to be. This means that there is someone better for Julia out there."

This actually does cheer me up, just a small amount. Julia will find someone else. Perhaps a taller guy, with larger muscles and better looks than me. Or a beautiful girl who knows far better than I do how to help with Julia's self-confidence. Or a quick-smiling, loving person outside of the gender binary. There will be someone who can understand her better. Make her smile wider. Give her more happiness.

"Let's find your mate," he says, offering me the tiniest whisper of a smile. "And then we can work out a plan for what to say."

My soulmate. Who is she? Where is she? What is she doing? What is she like? I was so convinced it would be Julia that I hadn't considered it would be a stranger. It feels shameful to admit, but there is a part of me that is excited to meet my mate. I want to see who I'm destined to be with forever.

I close my eyes. I know her scent. It's indescribably good. I focus on trying to separate out the different tones, but I can't identify anything, can't discern any clues. She doesn't smell like one particular thing. She smells like a million different things, traces of conditioner, leather from her shoes, denim from her jeans, detergent, deodorant... all formed into one personal perfume. It's intoxicating. I could smell it forever.

I notice, after a moment, that the scent is oddly similar to Julia's. I don't know what to think of that. Do all girls smell similar, and I've just not noticed until now? Do they wear the same perfume? Or is this what my brain labels the scent as because I associate the scent of Julia with love?

My dad stands up, seeing in my eyes that I've caught the scent. A couple of well-wishers stand in the hallway, but when the door opens, they press themselves to the walls to give us space. They know what we are doing, too, and they know that the Ancient Idols themselves couldn't stop me now.

My father and I stand at the edge of the forest before we shift together, and head off in search of my soulmate.