All hammered with the same pain,
But all deal with it different,
My problem is procastination, but
My real pain is fear of mistakes.

All have a time when they regretted,
Everything they did once a while,
I know there is someone else like,
Me who is afraid to regret it again.

Tend to brush off the trauma, lost
Somewhere in the ether of our being,
Unless a harsh reminder to get it out,
What it termed as a 'trigger'.

I know the past is in the past but I
Unless won't resolve the past, it will
Haunt into the present and creep into,
The future like a replaying loop.

They tell you to deal with criticism,
Rather than showing how to,
Take them as a part of life, to love
Oneself as being good enough.

Not all mistakes are life and death,
Even though all of us have learnt,
The opposite, afterall why be afraid,
Of death when all relations are void.

The neglected demon has become,
Black and red in rebel, tearing out my
Mind into my actions and life, just
Asking me to acknowledge it, why?

Because I hid it somewhere so I don't
Have to deal with his wounds, cause
I don't have it in me to process any
More criticism, not even regret the

Mistakes, they have been life or death,
Sometime, but I forgot about the
Shadow that sees every risk as life or
Death, still while writing this,

I'm opening the box, looking straight
Into the fear of making mistakes,
That not all mistakes are life or death,
That first I'm good enough.

That first I accept the other end of
Mistakes, that I accept the death, the
Pain, cause as long as I can learn from
My mistakes, as long as I am enough

In my worst mistakes, I am always
Ready to face any criticism that
Truly matters to me, that truly wants
Me to grow and evolve.

I guess I logged in yesterday and saw stuff happening, then today some normal stuff happened. It was still dealt okay but then just a normal correction hitted so deep inside, I cried 🤣. Well everyone feels attacked with criticism, I wondered what I had to be criticized. Then remembered I was criticised to even breathe in front of someone, that's where I understand why I always sideline any criticism and never show up because it had been once terrible to be denied everytime.

But my wounded self has to understand, that time is gone and we are stronger together. And even if the consequences of mistakes or anything is death or suffering or shame or ostracisation, we can go through it together. That others are there to back me up if I fell. That even if I'm alone, I can get up myself.

That even through the worst hell of wrong choices, I can still make it to home inside myself and outside. 🥺 I know you won't believe me, it's okay, just know somewhere, you are always good enough. It's okay to be flawed, to make a lot of mistakes even more than anyone on this planet, even if it about life and death, when you are at peace with death. *Hugs* I love you.

Your grateful author,
かな恵一

PS: I'm logging out again, will show up  in mid may.