"Why for years they've said that I was guilty as sin and sleep in a liar's bed, but the sleep comes fast and I'll meet no ghosts. It's between me, the sand, and the sea."

Spencer. October 18th 2020.

The night everything changed in our lives was over a year ago now. That night I got a call from Emily, informing me she and Jameson were over. 

"We're done." She told me bluntly, not sounding remorseful or even a little sad. "You and Jamie? I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" I asked with sympathy, placing my violin down and flopping down on my bed, prepared to give a pep talk about how she made the right choice ending it with him. 

"Is Grayson in his room?" She asked, completely ignoring my question.

"What- Yeah I think so?" I pondered.

"Great. Meet me at the waterfront in an hour. Wear your nice underwear, not the ugly ones." She told me.

"Why?" I said slowly, sceptical and not particularly happy about having to get up out of my pj's. She didn't answer, though she rarely did. Instead, she just hung up. 

I shivered as I pulled my satin pajama's off my freezing body from the unusually cold night in October. Fully nude, I riffled through my drawers for the Emily approved underwear. 

They were a bright pink color and are completely inappropriate for a 16 year old, but Emily bought me them for my birthday about 5 months prior. 

"Spence.. You still up?" Jameson's voice came from outside my door.

"Yeah.. one sec." I grumbled, pulling on some jeans and a hoodie. I pulled my bedroom door open, expecting to find him in floods of tears. 

"Hey.." I started off slowly. "You going out?" He asked me with furrowed brows. "Might be." I shrugged. 

"You okay?" I asked him with a frown. "She tell you already?" He hummed, lying down on my bed unbothered.

"She mentioned it. Didn't tell me what happened though." I shut the door and sat at the end of the bed, comforting him.

"I broke up with her." He clarified. I was taken aback, practically flinching. "Oh.. Why?" I gaped. The boy who's been obsessed with Emily Laughlin for as long as he's known her, finally got the chance to date her and ended up being the one to end things.

"Doesn't matter. I'm just glad I did." He scoffed. "How are you feeling?" I asked slowly, pulling my legs into my chest that way I always did around Emily to hide my stomach, this time more just out of instinct.

"Relieved." He told me truthfully.

"That's good then?" I shrugged. "Yeah." He nodded. "You been playing? Show me." Jameson gestured to my violin.

I groaned and picked it up, positioning it under my chin and holding the bow. I continued to play the song I had been playing earlier before Emily's call. I noticed my older brother smiling at me as I played, pride in his eyes.

"That was really good." He told me, "I know." I snarled sarcastically, he laughed a little.

"I need to get going." I sighed, pushing to my feet and tying my shoelaces.

"Where you going at this time?" Jameson asked. "To a friend's house." I lied through my teeth. "Don't be home too late." He ordered.

"You shouldn't be driving this late on your own." He interjected, pointing at me with a brotherly warning. 

I mean legally as a 16 year old I had to have a learners permit, which meant I couldn't drive without someone over 21 in the passenger seat, or drive at all past midnight, or drive with anyone else in the car under 18 outside of my family. All the bullshit rules were easy to bypass when you were hot and rich though. I've flirted my way out of tickets and bribed away half my life savings since I got this licence. 

"I think I'll live." I scoffed, completely aware of how little they actually pull people over for looking under 18, and thankfully for me I've always looked older.

"Be safe." He called one last time as I exited my room. The knowledge that Emily was probably still in my house at the time was sort of weird considering I was leaving to meet her.

I drove the empty midnight roads in anticipation of some monster jumping out from behind the trees to kill me. The only thing lighting the back roads without streetlights was my cars headlights. 

What was keeping me from freaking out was merely the fact my car was a bright pink jeep, rather un-scary if you ask me. 

The second I turned 15 and got my learners permit, the old man thrust the keys of a brand new barbie pink jeep into my hands. I don't think he was ever particularly fond of the car, but he knew it was the one way he could get me out on the roads.

I arrived at the edge of the forest, parking about a quarter of a mile away from the shoreline. The beach stretched back a bit and I didn't want my tires to get all sandy so I parked on the outskirts of the wooded over area. 

The tall cliffside loomed over the water, weirdly seeming to call my name. I listened to my playlist in dead silence, watching the waves crash from afar and being ready to drive if someone jumped out from behind a tree with a knife.

Not long later another set of tires parked up beside my car, Emily got out her car and knocked her knuckles against my window.

I blinked and glanced at her, eventually clicking my door open and stepping out to join her.

"You doing okay?" I asked gently. "I feel fucking fantastic." She replied bluntly. "Oh." I grimaced at the thought of her being so okay after my brother dumped her.

"Take your clothes off." She grinned deviously. "If you're planning on taking my clothes and abandoning me, that probably won't work unless you can drive two cars at once." I warned, completely unamused and sick of her.

"Relax. We're having girls night together." She smirked. Pulling her shirt off, she urged me to do the same. Her boobs were so much bigger than mine, which was hard because mine were considered big to most people. Her waist was perfect, like it was an hourglass hand crafted by some greek goddess. Her skin was always smooth and soft. 

"Don't tell me you're a lesbian too? The last thing I need is to be friends with two gay girls and be related to one." She scoffed, now stripped down to her perfect underwear.

I forced my eyes away from her flawless body, trying not to mentally throw every insult at myself.

"C'mon." She encouraged, telling me to take my clothes off too. "Why?" I groaned, complying nonetheless. I took my jeans and my sweatshirt off. The cold hit me immediately, goosebumps spreading up and down my skin.

My teeth were chittering already, my long auburn hair doing its best to provide warmth. "That hair was a good decision. You're an ugly brunette, this suits you so much better." She assured.

Emily had convinced me to dye my hair the same colour as hers, but considering my hair was already brown it didn't come out as vibrant as hers. It was only semi-permanent, so it would last about a month, but she made me re-dye it a total of 3 times. 

The night before Emily had called me I had re-dyed it, so the colors were fresh.

"Thanks." I grinned sweetly. "Okay, let's go." She squealed. "Where?" I beckoned. "Up to the cliff." She informed me calmly. Way too calm for someone suggesting we climb a cliff half naked in the middle of the night. "In our underwear?" I gaped in horror.

"It's pretty much just a steep hill if you go the woods way?" Emily shrugged unbothered. "Emily it's 2am." I reminded with shock. "And it'll just keep getting later the more you bitch and moan." She groaned, dragging my hand through the clearing in the woods.

"Emily seriously, it's the middle of the night, we're two teenage girls, practically naked in the middle of the woods without our phones. What if there's a pervert in the bushes?" I exclaimed, genuinely terrified as she dragged me barefoot through the dirty woods.

"Fine! I'll go by myself. But when my name is all over the news as the girl who got raped and murdered because her friend ditched her, I hope you know it's your fault." Emily snapped. I'm certain she didn't believe that would happen or she wouldn't have went deeper into the woods, but she knew I would believe her.

"And what would the difference be if I came?" I called after her. "There's strength in numbers." Was all she said.

I groaned and ran to catch up with her, slowly climbing the steep dirty hill, surrounded by trees and bushes.

"Why are we doing this?" I panted in exhaustion when we were halfway up. 

"You'll see if you hurry your lard ass up." She laughed, "I fucked your brother by the way." She commented nonchalantly.

"Gross." I grimaced, before adding, "I know though. You've depicted every single excruciating detail." I gagged. "No I mean I fucked Grayson." She explained. "You also told me that. You took his virginity and a couple weeks later you took Jamie's. Then you started dating Jamie and you guys were doing it every other week." I sighed in memory.

"No! I fucked Grayson, then Jameson, then started dating Jameson and fucked him like 12 times, and then he broke up with me so I fucked Grayson again. Like half an hour ago." Emily explained, tossing her perfect curls over her shoulders, not even remotely exasperated right now.

"You're kidding?!" I gaped in shock.

"I'm dating him now." She confirmed with a proud nod.

"You're such a slut." I laughed. She came to a stop, turning around sharply and staring at me. Emily had the ability to be laughing one moment and come near to killing you the next.

"Says you. You're the one who fucked the lifeguard at the local community pool at 14 you fucking whore!" She yelled. "And I know all about you and that Kristin kid." She snarled. "It's Tristan." I muttered in defence. "He broke up with you because you're fat. I didn't want to tell you at the time but it's true." She insisted smugly.

She kept walking, and blinking away the tears I chased after her. It was silent after that comment. Truth is, it cut me deep, but I would never bite back.

"Are we almost there?" I complained a little while later. "Almost." Emily replied. My lips were blue with what was the early stages of hypothermia. "Emily.. I'm so cold." I slurred between chitters. "Grow a pair. Honestly, you'd think we were in Antarctica with the way you're complaining." She rolled her eyes.

"My hands are blue Em." I replied dryly. "We're almost there." She shouted.

As promised, we arrived at the top of the cliff in no time. Staring down at the crashing waves below, I grinned in amazement.

"This is so pretty." I gaped. "Okay, hold my hand." She grinned. I took her hand, when she stepped to the edge of the cliff I screamed and pulled her back. "What the hell are you doing?!" I shrieked.

"We're jumping?" She looked at me like I was the crazy one. "No! Okay! I'm finally saying no! You are insane! I'm not jumping off a 60 foot cliff!" I screamed, sounding completely deranged. 

"It's probably closer to 70ft." Emily shrugged unbothered.

"Not happening!" I demanded.

"You're such a pussy." Emily scoffed with amusement. "I'm not a pussy! I just don't feel like dying tonight!" I screamed.

"You are a pussy! You always wimp out of everything even remotely fun because you're too scared." She screamed in my face.

"I'm not!" I cried out. "Prove it! Prove you aren't a pussy and jump!" She ordered.

"Fine!" I relented manically.

I stepped to the edge of the cliff, Emily stepping beside me. We counted down from three and the second I stepped my foot off the cliff I squealed and jumped back.

"See! I told you. You're a pussy!" Emily argued.

"You didn't jump! You were gonna let me jump off a cliff on my own!" I accused.

"Yeah I was." She shrugged, completely unfazed. "I hate you!" I called out with all the bottled up feelings finally spilling out.

"Oh come on! Your body weight alone would cause a tsunami. It wouldn't be safe for me to jump at the same time as you." She laughed.

"Don't come near my family again. You're such a bitch!" I shrieked. 

"Fuck you!" She hissed, slapping me straight across the face. I subsequently punched her.

She pushed me. 

I pushed back. 

I just so happen to push harder.

Emily stumbled off the edge of the cliff and starts falling with a horrified scream.

"Shit." I muttered, immediately jumping down after her.

It felt like I was flying. It must've only been a few seconds of falling, but it felt like forever. Something about plummeting 70ft felt oddly comforting. I knew it was a dangerous height to jump from. I knew the rocks on the cliff were sharp and one wrong move could cut me open. I knew the nearby trees were grabbing out and could stab me. I knew I could die. But somehow, it felt like the best moment of my life. And in that moment, if I'm being honest, I made peace with dying. 

My body slammed into the water with a harsh slap, my whole body was under the gelid waters. Everything went numb. It was excruciating. But I liked it.

But that moment when my face fell above the water, it all went away, and the freezing cold temperature, and terror hit me immediately.

"Emily!?" I screamed out, voice raw as waves crashed all around me and tried to grab my body and pull me under.

Gasping in all the air I could, I thrusted around in all directions, attempting to locate my friend whilst also trying not to drown.

"You're fucking dead!" She screamed, pulling herself out of the water and coughing up water on the shore. 

I sighed in relief, swimming as fast as I can to the shore.

"Get me my clothes!" She gasped. "From your car?" I asked, when she nodded I started for the cars. They were a decent distance away, so I was running for a while before I got to my pink jeep.

Chittering, I reached into the passenger seat of her car, seeing the clothes she removed before climbing. I scavenged around her car for her cell phone, knowing she would likely want it and not being prepared to run all the way back for her when she inevitably requested it.

I rounded her car and opened my own car door, getting my phone and clothes out and starting to scroll through the texts I had received in my time away.

But then I froze in my tracks, hearing the most agonised and guttural shriek. I dropped everything and began racing for the waterfront, faster than my feet had ever allowed me to.

I arrived at her side and saw my best friend face down in the sand. In a state of shock, I didn't know what to do, so I dropped to my knees and started shaking her with tears drowning my face.

I rolled her over and felt for a pulse, but then I saw her face. A coy smirk was creeping upon her lips. I let go of her and huffed with both anger and relief. 

She let out a hysterical cackle, clearly proud of herself. Emily stood up and started jumping around as she pointed in my face, "That's what you get for pushing me off a cliff." She giggled.

"Are you insane?!" I screamed, "Are you actually fucking mentally deranged? I mean you must be! I can't think of any other logical solution." I gaped in genuine shock. "Who the fuck pretends to be dead?!" I guffaw.

Her laughter faded to pure rage. She always hated to be ridiculed, even in times like this when it was deserved.

"You're gonna wish you were dead if you don't shut the hell up!" She barked. I didn't cower away that time, being thoroughly done with her and all her shit. 

"If you go near me or my brothers again, you're done. Same goes for Thea. She's been through enough of your shit. We all know you're just manipulative and mean. We're cutting you off." I took a stand, trembling just a little with the bravery taken to be defiant. 

That's when she lunged for me, tackling me into the sand, some water bubbling over to us and tickling my back just a little.

"You're dead." She roared, pummelling her fists into my face. It was a rather pathetic excuse of a fight, but she had me pinned, so she had the upper hand, regardless of her pathetic attempts.

The shore came in and almost washed her off of me. That's when her eyes sparkled with some sort of evil glint. She grabbed me by a chunk of my hair and aggressively dragged me across the sand. 

When she was knee thigh in water, she hoisted me along to her side, controlling my head by the chunk she had in her grasp. She forced my head under the salty water. The first thing I remember was the silence. I couldn't hear her screaming. I couldn't hear the waves crashing, because I was under them. I couldn't hear the wind. 

She dragged my head out, giving me just long enough to inhale a deep a tortured breath, before she dunked me right back under.

It was about four dunks in that I realized she wouldn't kill me. She would simply drown me in intervals until I gave in and apologised. She was mean, but she was far from a murderer. 

It almost made me want to die, purely so she would have to live with that on her conscious. But I wasn't stupid. I could just snitch on her to the old man, attempted manslaughter is a literal crime. 

"Emily?" I gasped in air, panting like a dog before being thrust back into the chilling water. "You exist purely with the intent of fucking things up." I choked up water and spit during my next gasp.

"Because you can't face the fact-"

Water.

"That you're unloveable,"

Water.

"My brothers, they love the idea of you,"

Water.

"But they don't love you." 

Water.

"And nobody ever will."

I held my breath once again, anticipating the cold sting of my eyes and burn of my throat. I anticipated the water. But it never came.

The sharp grip on my hair suddenly seised and my face slapped against the water with the unexpected release.

With the loss of Emily's restraint, I could crawl weakly back to shore, gasping for air and subsequently vomiting up an even mixture of water and my last meal — which had been breakfast around 15 hours prior.

I clutched my chest, desperately retching and gasping. But when it finally stopped I realized those pained cries and gags weren't purely from me. I forced myself to shaky feet, scanning around to find the source.

And there was Emily on the sand, her feet still being gently hit by the shore. She was lying down, not moving.

"Ha ha. Real funny. You've tried that one remember." I laughed loudly, walking over with a manic grin.

But the moment I reached her side and saw her eyes, the scream that escaped my body was one of pure horror.

Her green eyes were unmoving, unblinking. But wide open. And they looked terrified. There were tears trickling down her cheeks. Her lips were slightly parted, just enough for me to hear her dying breath. Her lips were blue and her skin pale, but they already had been from the cold.

"Em? Emily!" I screamed, discarding the hatred I had for her and dropping to my knees. "Emily!" I wailed, shaking her body, bawling and calling out for help, praying someone's around. But it was closing in on 3am. And we were alone.

"Emily! Wake up Emily!" I pleaded in agony.

I placed my hands on her chest and began pounding hard on her chest. I blew into her mouth desperately. I kept going for around a minute before I began racing back to my car.

I fumbled to grab my phone from the floor where I dropped it, along with all our clothes, leaving everything else as I sprinted back, calling 911 on the way.

"Hello?" I wailed. "911, what's your emergency?" The woman's voice spoke from the other line. I immediately turned it onto speaker and tossed it to the sand beside Emily as I continued cpr.

"My friend collapsed on the beach!" I cried hysterically. "Where are you?" She asked calmly.

"Devil's Gate cliff.. at the bottom.." I fumbled, struggling to remember. "Describe where you are in perspective to the cliff." She said.

"Directly under it." I said.

"Okay what is your friend's name?" She asked. "Emily Laughlin." I answered. "And what's your name?" She added. "Spencer Hawthorne." I panted in all the air I could.

She informed me they were sending out help.

"Okay Spencer, is Emily currently unconscious?" She questions.

"No.. She's- she's.. I don't know. Hurry." I begged. My lips connected with hers and forced air down her mouth.

"Does she have a pulse?" She asked. "No." I answered sharply. "Okay, Spencer, what I need you to do is-"

Frustrated, I started pounding her chest again. "I'm already giving her cpr." I yelled.

"Good job. Just stay on the line and everything'll be alright." She me. I nodded even though she couldn't see me.

"How old are you girls?" She asked. "She's 17.. I'm 16." I answered.

"Is there anyone else around you?" He asked. "No.. Nobody." I replied.

"Have you girls been drinking? You won't be in trouble." She assured. "No." I replied.

"Can you explain in detail what happened?" She asked.

Blowing air in her mouth I restarted the pounding on her chest as I answered. "She.. she brought me out to the cliff and we jumped off together. We were fine, and we were swimming and I went to go get.. our clothes- and when I got back.. she was on the ground." I tried to remain calm despite my sobs.

It was all lies. I had planned the story in my head from the very second I saw the cold lifeless look in her eyes. I couldn't tell them what really happened. I pushed her off a cliff, she borderline waterboarded me and then she had a fucking heart attack or whatever the fuck happened.

"Does your friend have any ongoing health conditions? Are there any reasons you think could have caused this?" She asked. "Her.. her heart- I dunno what it's called.. Congenital heart disease?" I guessed.

I planned exactly what I was going to do as emergency services call operator tried to calm me down. I wasn't listening to one goddamn word of the calming conversations she was feeding me to calm my nerves. I didn't answer when she asked what school I went to or what my favorite class was. I didn't give a fuck. I had just killed my best friend.. and my worst enemy.

She might've been fucking evil, but I was the murderer. I was Veronica Sawyer, and she was my Heather Chandler, but the only difference was I didn't have a JD to pin this on. This was all my doing. 

She made me jump off the cliff. We swam for a few minutes. I went to get towels. She screamed. I dropped everything and ran back. She was dead. I got my phone and called 911.

That was my story. And it replayed in my mind until the words were burned in.

I was perched in the back of one of the two ambulances. A foil blanket was wrapped around my trembling body. I didn't say a word. I didn't have to. I told the cops my recount of what happened, the lies, and they let me have time alone to regain feeling in my entire body, soaked wet and shaking.

I watched numbly as they zipped my best friend up in a body bag. I watched as Xander, Rebecca, Thea, Jameson and Grayson all slipped out of car and ran past the taped crime scene.

I watched Rebecca break down sobbing in Thea's arms. I watched Thea numbly wipe her girlfriend's tears whilst thanking god she was gone. I watched Jameson dumbly stumble back, and running far away until he reached home. I watched my little brother attempt to chase him before losing sight and calling the old man. 

But worst of all, I watched my brother lose everything. 

Grayson fell to his knees, every ounce of life behind his silver eyes being truly sucked dry. His traumatised sobs live with everyone on that beach to this day. His tears were the only ones I ever saw him cry in my lifetime of loving him. I watched his spark blow out that night, and I'm yet to see it return. 

I took my best friend's life. I took someone's sister. I took someone's daughter. I took someone's granddaughter. I took someone's friend. I took someone's girlfriend. And I took my brother's spark.

What was worse than what I had done? The fact that I didn't feel a drop of remorse.

The guilt I felt was reserved for how my friends and brothers grieved. How her family grieved. But for her? I didn't find guilt even within the deepest pits of my gut. Relief. That's all I felt.

I suppressed the memory and changed the story permanently to the one still engrained in my mind. The story I told the cops. The story I told her family. The story I told during my one statement in court. The story I told at her funeral. 

Her life went to waste and I moved on. Because if I stayed at the restaurant the way my brother had, I'd never truly move on. And I had to. 

I made peace with her death from the second I met her eyes that night. The moment I saw all the memories disperse into nothingness. I said goodbye when I was pounding on her heart, pretending that her life mattered to me, when truly it was simply the guilty conscience of killing someone.

At Emily's funeral, I didn't grieve her. I grieved the person I was before I met her.