"I got a list of names, and yours is in red, underlined. I check it once, then I check it twice, look what you made me do."

Noah.

Numbly my body floats down one of the many staircases of Hawthorne, the rest of my heart previously untouched now utterly shattered. I ended things with Spencer. It was to take a weight off my life, but it's only made things worse. I'm certain in the long run I'll feel better, but right now I'm in ruins.

"Noah!" Xander's voice jolts my minds from the simmering thoughts in my busy mind. My feet slow to a stop, being startled but lacking the energy to jump in fright.

"Shit.." His breath catches in his throat when he meets my eyes, concern emancipating from his body. Jameson jogs to his side, shooting him a glare.

"You doing okay, kid?" Jameson asks me instead. "Spence and I broke up." I state, not an ounce of emotion on my tongue. I feel it. I can feel the pain radiating from my heart. But to express it would be to use the energy I no longer have.

Jameson and Xander look to each other, genuine shock as my best friend pulls me in, wrapping his arms around me to provide comfort. It helps, but I don't allow myself to indulge in it. 

"Is she alright?" Nash's voice calls out from the top of the staircase. My eyes glide up to see Grayson and him together, waiting for their brothers.

"Mhm." I mumble. I know she likely isn't. And I know I should probably tell them that, or at least what happened. But instead, I just nod, and separate my body from Xander's, replacing the arms he had around me with my own. 

"How's.. how's Maj?" Jameson tries to hold back the question desperate to roll off his lips, but fails. "Fine." I answer. She isn't fine. I mean, she might be. She might be at her worst, or even at her best. But I don't know that, because I've lost the tact to ask. 

"Good.. are you guys.. still staying at your Grams? I know she mentioned it to Xan when she visited Spence." He asks hopefully.

"We're going back today.. Right when the trip ends so we don't raise suspicion." I say, an undertone of dread that they won't be able to hear because it's only apparent in my mind.

"Would you.. just make sure she knows that if anything happens she has to call me. I know we broke up, but—"

Nash begins to cascade down the staircase, joining us at the bottom. 

"You and Maja broke up? Why? What's happening with the twins?" He eyes me suspiciously, intrigue and worry evident.

"It's nothing." Jameson immediately shuts him down, turning back to me. "Seriously. If she's hurt.. or scared.. or he tries to lay one finger on her-" 

As he speaks, Grayson takes it upon himself to follow down the staircase now too. "And who exactly is the 'he' in question?" He asks his brother sternly. 

"Nothing." Jameson barks, beginning to grow agitated. "She still has me. And she knows that all it takes is one call." He swears to me. 

I nod, knowing he means it and feeling glad that he has her back. It's one less back I need to have. Of course I still need to have her back, but knowing someone else has it too takes a little pressure off.

"You need a ride?" Nash asks me now, "I brought my car." I decline. 

The four of them begin walking out the same way as me, them all loading into a car. "Where you heading?" I ask them, not particularly interested but feeling obliged to ask. 

Three of the four brothers glance around one another, hesitating before telling me. "We're gonna go beat the shit out of Jenkins." Jameson tells me honestly, the others sighing that he told me so quickly.

That actually manages to catch me off guard. I blink. "I'm coming." I decide. 

Xander steps towards me hesitantly. "Noah.." He begins. "Get in my fucking car." I state plainly, but it seems to be enough. They don't hesitate to pile in.

I'm silent the whole drive to the school, "What's the plan?" I ask, pulling into the grounds. It's silent because it's a weekend, but the gates are open because the camping trip is over and the bus will be arriving back any minute now.

"We'll wait by his car for him. Tristan's on the bus with Amelia, they're gonna keep lookout for us." Xander explains. 

When we are all crowded around his car, we watch the bus pull up in front of the school.

My anxiety is bubbling up the longer we wait for him to load every student off the bus and wave them off as their parents drive them out of the school grounds. Thankfully the other teachers don't catch sight of us as they get in their own cars. 

"Maybe we shouldn't do this." I chirp, my heart hammering hard. Grayson and Nash both turn to me with confusion. "We can't do this." I decide.

"Noah," Xander starts to say. "No. No. Maybe he didn't mean it." I blurt. I can see the lock on everyone's jaw, all of them looking ready to kill me except Jameson, who seems curious more than anything.

"What do you mean, Noah?" He asks me calmly. 

"I mean.. how could he do that? It must've been some kind of accident or misunderstanding.. he definitely didn't mean it." I mumble, my mind far from Jenkins as visions of my Father forcing that girl on me.

"Is he kidding?" Grayson snarls. I know I look ridiculous, more so now that my chest is rapidly rising and falling.

"Maybe it didn't actually happen.. maybe it was just a bad dream.. or a hallucination." I start to excuse. 

"You need to-" Nash steps in my direction intimidatingly, ready to pounce, but Jameson steps in before he can.

"Noah.. It's real. What he did.. it's all real. And the more you defend him, the worse this whole thing gets." Jameson tells me, having instantly realized none of this is about Jenkins to me.

"I don't think he meant it. I've realized that now. He can't have. I mean.. even if he did, it isn't his fault, right? Maybe his Dad did the same things to him?" I furrow my brows, yet again justifying my Father's actions. 

The three Hawthorne boys look utterly disgusted and repulsed by me, seeming to believe I'm still referring to Jenkins. 

"Noah I need you to wait in the car. If you keep working yourself up, you'll have a panic attack. Just take a breath. Have you taken your meds?" Jameson asks carefully.

"They don't fucking work!" I yell, my whole body seething with both pain and frustration. 

Then I feel the familiar sensations I've became so accustomed to. My fingers tingle, my chest tightens, and suddenly everything feels like it's unreal. It's a panic attack setting in.

"Here he comes." Xander speaks up, gesturing to Ant Jenkins approaching my car with Tristan and Amelia following in tow, at a safe distance.

He falters when he sees all of us, but it doesn't last long, because the second I clock him, I'm running towards him. 

I can't help it. All I see is my red. 

Halfway across the parking lot, I work up enough momentum to swing once and seer my fist straight through his nose, knocking him to the ground and a foul bang.

"What the fuck?!" The man shouts, clutching his nose. I grab him by the hem of his gym shirt and pull him back to his feet again, slamming my fist against his face yet again. 

He composes himself enough to start fighting back. He's a gym coach, but I've had years of training to make sure I don't feel the punches. Nothing he can do to me is any worse than what my own Father has done since I was too young to remember.

I manage to get him pinned down on the ground, pummelling closed fists down on him. 

Blood begins to coat my knuckles as I hit harder, but I don't stop. I let the droplets of blood grow to puddles. His yells are no longer angry and disgusted, they've faded to pleading. 

He hurt Spencer. My Spencer. He hurt my girl. 

"Noah!" Jameson yells, dragging me off the guy covered in his own blood, coughing up clots.

Jameson doesn't take mercy on the guy by pulling me off, he just wants to get his own hits. Xander stares at me with shock.

Once the guy is utterly destroyed, Jameson steps back with a smug grin. The others fold their arms, satisfied they didn't even need to lift a finger.

"We're not killing you." Nash speaks up in clarification. "We find that rotting in jail is punishment enough." Grayson hums, not looking remotely affected by the ordeal.

"I didn't do shit." Jenkins groans, pushing to his shaking legs and spitting out a mouthful of blood.

"A guy like you won't hold up a week in jail. Good luck." Jameson scoffs, starting to walk away, completely unfazed by the blood all over his clothes.

I saunter back behind the wheel, sinking into the seat and attempting not to get blood on my sports car.

"That was unexpected." Xander speaks up. "Yeah, especially after he was defending the guy minutes before." Nash raises his voice, still clearly pissed at me.

"Lay off him." Jameson yells, smacking his brother. They share a momentary look and Nash seems to settle. 

With fists soaked in blood, a busted lip, eyes red from tears, and dark bags beneath my eyes, I look truly insane. 

Grams shrieks in shock when I prance through the doors of her house after giving the Hawthorne's a silent ride home. I head for the shower quickly before Maja can see it and find out. 

Grams doesn't stop grilling me on it the whole time I'm packing up my bags. Meeting at the front door, Maja and I share a moment of peaceful silence, preparing for the worst.

We bid good by to Grams and drive back to Thatcher Manor, training on the car ride over about what we say happened at our 'Church Camp'.

Entering the eery doors I correct my posture the way I always do when I enter his presence. 

"Children, good to see you. Welcome home." Mom politely smiles, but that manic look in her eyes is there. Every drop of life is utterly drained from her. I suck in a breath when I notice her face is a canvas of his punches, deep purple bruises and scars drown her features.

"I suspect Church Camp treated you both well. So well you have acquired a scratch on your upper lip?" My Father approaches us, having the workers take our bags.

"I often found myself chewing it within prayers to help myself focus." I clarify. 

He doesn't believe me. But he doesn't need to. He just needs to not find out the truth.

"Ah yes. Prayers. I'm sure you were doing lots of those at your sports camp. Though I find myself pondering, why you were at a sports camp when you don't play any sports." He speaks calmly. It's when he's calm that I'm most fearful. There's always stillness before a storm.

"Sports camp? What would make you think such-" I begin innocently, but my heart's racing.

"Save it. I got an email from your Headmaster stating that you both went missing from 'Sports Camp' and were both involved in stealing school property." He states briskly, rolling the sleeves of his shirt up.

"I don't know what-" Maja begins. 

"Well let me remind you of the bus you left the camp in. Do you not remember? You left with Jameson Hawthorne," He glares at my sister. "Spencer Hawthorne, Xander Hawthorne," He now looks to me with deep hate burning in his eyes.

"Need I go on? I can see in your eyes you remember. You know what you did was wrong. I'm going to show you just how wrong it was." 

Shit.