"And I want you right here, a red rose grew up out of ice frozen ground with no one around to tweet it. While I bathe in cliffside pools with my calamitous love and insurmountable grief."

I placed first for track. I don't know how I do it but apparently when I put my mind to it I'm just a really fast runner?

The second I won, Noah sprinted for me, grabbing me in his arms and spinning me around as I squealed. He peppered me with kisses, holding my body tight to his with pride.

Our school swarmed back to our individual campsites, buzzing with joy after my win.

After I've taken a few hours for lunch, showering and getting ready into a cute white dress, we all gather round the campfire. Noah's muscled arm drapes over me, keeping me warm as the night grows close. 

The whole group heads off to dinner together, laughing and joking, the air light and carefree. But as we approach the crowded table, my stomach churns, a knot of anxiety tightening in my chest. I try to swallow it down, but the thought of eating in front of so many people makes my palms sweat. Before I can even voice it, Noah catches the shift in my mood.

He gestures for us to step away from the group and leads me outside, toward the waterfront. The quiet of the evening soothes the raw edge of my nerves. 

"This better?" He smiles, sitting down on the sand with his burger on a paper plate and the sun shining down on his brown eyes. His smile lines growing when I sit down beside him.

"Yeah." I nod with a subtle smile, leaning my head against his bicep as I slowly pick apart my hot dog into smaller pieces to eat at.

"You know how I have an eating disorder?" I ask, looking directly at the hot dog and not up to him. I feel his arm instantly wrap over my shoulder, sensing the vulnerability and showing me he's here.

"Yeah baby." He nods sadly. 

"And you know how I've had one for a while?" I continue, he nods. "And you know that I didn't tell anyone." 

I take a small bite of the dry bun, staring out to the moon shimmering down on the dark waves. He continues nodding, having finished his burger now and placed the plate aside to give his sole attention to me.

"Well, would you say it's accurate that leaving it so long made the whole thing worse for me? Because the longer I left it, the worse it got?" I continue.

"Yeah.. I think that if you told us we could've helped you sooner before it got as bad as it did." Noah nods in agreement, rubbing my arm comfortingly. "Is there something else you want to tell me about?" He offers gently.

I finally look up at him. "This isn't about me, Noah." I whisper.

His whole body tenses up, his eyes looking away from me to avoid my intense stare. He retracts his arm from my body. 

"I don't have an eating disorder, Spence." He clarifies. "That's not what I'm saying and you know it." I sigh.

"I don't know what you're talking about to be honest." He states sharply.

"Noah, I know something's wrong." I clasp his hand in mine and plead with him to look at me.

"Nothing's wrong." He dismisses coldly, snatching his hand away. His hand is quick but I still notice it. He swipes a tear off his cheek. My heart shatters.

"Talk to me, No." I beg.

"I think we should head back now." He mutters. 

"Who's hurting you?" I plant a hand on his jaw, pulling him back to me and demanding his red eyes on mine.

"You." He states with sadness, prying his glasses off his face.

"What?" I frown with devastation. He shakes his head, pressing the palms of his hands up against his raw eyes. He stifles his sobs and places his glasses back on. 

"You're hurting me." He repeats, his voice barely above a whisper. "How am I hurting you?" I push onto my knees, cradling his face in my hands and forcing him to look at me once again as I stroke his cheeks comfortingly.

"You keep asking.. and that hurts most. Please just stop asking." He hisses out. 

Conflict deep within me tears me from the inside out. He's clearly hurt by something more than me just asking, I know that. I know that whatever's going on is causing this reaction. But if I ask again, he'll repeat that me asking is the problem. I don't want us to go back to square one again. 

"Whenever you're ready to tell me, No. I need you to understand I'm listening. And even if you don't think you can tell me for whatever reason, you always can. I'll fix it. I promise I'll fix it." I plead, tears coating my cheeks.

"You can't fix it. You can't fix everything, Spence." He cries. 

"Maybe not. But I can try." I promise him. 

His puppy eyes meet mine. His quivering lip opens, and I think he might tell me, but before he can, wretched sobs escape his body, completely breaking down.

"It's okay." I immediately comfort, stroking a hand up and down his hair. He rests his head on my shoulder, bawling into my neck. "It's not. Nothing's okay."

In that moment all I can do is hold him. Praying that he tells me. Praying that he'll be okay.

"I can't keep doing this." He croaks out. "Doing what?" I beckon gently, trying to swipe the pad of my thumb under his eye to collect the tears, but his eyes instantly replenish them.

"Everything." He hyperventilates. I can tell it's a panic attack. I've been dating him long enough now to know how they look.

"Shh, just take a deep breath. I promise whatever's happening doesn't matter right now. It's just you and me, on the beach, watching a sunset and eating dinner." I hush gently, planting a kiss atop his head and regulating my own breathing to help him.

He nods, his face returning to a more unfazed alternate version of himself, but his breathing picks up, hiccups rapidly interrupting his breathing.

"Tell me what you feel. We'll work through it together." I urge calmly.

"My.. my heart.." He winces, looking down to the sand with his eyes squeezed shut. "Beating really fast?" I guess. He nods frantically, his breathing becoming more and more laboured.

"The faster your heart races, the more your body thinks it's in danger, but it's not. We're here. You're here. Just breathe with me.. slow, deep, and calm." I remind him, taking deep breaths to encourage him to do the same.

He tries his best as he does with everything. "Can't." He backs down, choking on tears as he lays back in the sand, seemingly giving up.

"It's okay. Just tell me something else you feel." I perch by his side. "Dizzy." He stares up at me. "Okay, that's fine. Just close your eyes." I hush, lifting his feet up to help the blood flow — I'm not entirely sure it works, I saw it in a movie once.

I brush my hand calmly through his soft hair, watching how the breathing racks through his whole body, shaking him all over. It kills me to know this has been happening since he was young. It kills me to see how much pain and discomfort he's in.

"Just you and me, No. You hear the waves? Relaxing, right?" I encourage. He nods, but he doesn't even look like he heard what I said. He keeps his eyes shut, holding his chest with one hand and squeezing sand with the other, grounding himself.

His whole body is trembling, his thoughts racing. 

"You want me to get Xander? He knows how to help you more." I suggest. His eyes open and find me, "Xan can't help me- just by being there.. only you can." He tells me firmly between shaky intakes. 

He's telling me my little brother might be able to tame his attacks with more experience, but by me just being here it's enough to work the same.

"I also seem to cause a lot of them." I laugh gently. He shakes his head, not able to vocalise his disagreement due to gasps.

"You want me to talk about stuff?" I offer, he nods.

"We could talk about soccer? I don't know much, but I'm always up for gloating about how good my boyfriend is." I smirk. Instantly at the mention of soccer he shakes his head. Noted. 

"I could talk about family? Or school?" I hum. His eyes clench shut tighter. "No? Okay. Friends. That can't go wrong?" I ask nervously.

He doesn't reply, but it's not a no, so I'll take it. 

"Well Jameson isn't really talking right now, I don't think I told you that." I state. "Turns out the entire mystery he's been chasing with Ave about why she's here is a bust. She was born on the day.." I can't quite bring myself to say her name. "On the day someone died. And the old man chose her just to mess with us all. I mean it didn't really work.. like if he wanted me involved he should've known I'm awful with these mysteries. I mean Nash and Xan too really.. it's just for Jameson and Grayson I guess." I rant, but it seems to work, Noah looks less tense and is slowly regulating his breathing.

"I've been thinking about that day a lot recently.." I confess. Noah finally seems to manage his breathing better, opening his eyes to look at me when I speak, gesturing for me to go on even though he's better now.

"I've never told anyone what happened." I stare vastly ahead, unblinking.

Noah props himself back up, studying my features intensely.

"Miss Hawthorne?" Anthony fucking Jenkins interrupts.

"Yep." I sigh, mocking excitement. "Come with me." He says firmly.

"Unless you're taking me to the fiery pits of hell so I can see you off, I'll pass." I scoff, turning my attention back to my boyfriend.

Noah shakes his head at me subtly, displeasure evident on his features.

"You were caught with a boy in your bed under the supervision of the school. We've contacted your Mother, but you both have to have a one to one conversation with a teacher, so we can fairly punish you." He states with a sigh.

"You'd have more of a chance of reaching God himself than my Mother." I snarl. 

"You called my parents too?" Noah looks instantly horrified. "Not yet. Your meeting'll be with the Principal. He'll be here any minute." Ant explains. 

"Why does he get the Principal and I'm stuck with you?" I grit out.

"Because he's a first time offender. He may be let off with a warning. You on the other hand are constantly causing behavioural concerns." Ant glares at me.

"A warning.. would that mean my parents would never find out?" Noah beckons desperately. "Maybe? I dunno, kid. Give me a break." Ant shrugs, as if it isn't his entire job to know these things.

"I'll talk to him as well." I state. "You're coming with me." Ant reinstates. "There's not a chance I'd go anywhere with you." I refuse.

"So you'll just go with him to the Principal? You know you two being together when he arrives won't be good. He'll be furious you've been alone for so long.." Ant hints.

I still don't move. "Spence, can you please just go. I seriously can't get in trouble." Noah snaps, still not raising his voice but still clearly mad.

Tell him.

Do it.

Just say it.

You'll have to tell someone at some point.

"Okay." I nod, following Ant through the woods towards his cabin in the eerie depths of the woods.