musical mood: building a wall - pet shop boys

You're a liar. Cass told herself as she stared in the mirror, glaring at her horrible reflection. She'd ran out of ingredients for her calming droughts, and she couldn't steal any from Lupin's supply without rousing suspicion, so she had taken to yelling at herself in the mirror to calm herself down. It surprisingly worked, the self hatred she felt wearing down at her emotions until she felt little to nothing. You lied to Connor. You never told him about Malcolm and Fionn, about what really happened to them. Connor is looking down at you right now, and he's disgusted.

"Cassiopeia, are you ready?" She heard Moody's voice echo from downstairs.

She sighed, glancing away from her emaciated frame. George hadn't been lying when he said she looked thin, she was a literal stick at this point, her bones sticking out in all the wrong places, her face gaunt and hollow. It was disgusting, looking at her reflection, but she forced herself to anyways, to endure any form of suffering that she could.

"Yeah, I'm ready." She responded, grabbing her wand and her trunk, yanking it out of her room and down the stairs. She didn't bother with a weightlessness charm.

"You look tired." Moody said as she reached the landing.

"I didn't sleep well." She shrugged. That wasn't a lie - without the calming droughts, she'd been up all night, tossing and turning, mind swarming with thoughts about how much she hated herself, her life, and how she wished more than anything that she could die. But Moody didn't need to know that.

She could feel his eyes piercing her, almost like he was looking straight through her, and she felt her spine stiffen at his gaze.

But, he said nothing, instead simply reaching over and grabbing her shoulder. The two apparated almost instantly to Kings Cross, Moody still giving her a funny look as Cass said goodbye and walked onto the train.

The eyes of nearly every passenger on the train were on her, and she knew exactly what they were thinking. She was the crazy girl who ran away and faked her own death. They probably thought she did it for attention. Maybe it was best they think that, though. Better than they know the truth.

She slid into an empty compartment, not bothering to search for her friends. She just wanted to be alone - per usual. However, her lonesome didn't last for long, when a girl no older than thirteen entered her compartment, holding a small piece of parchment in her hand, with a thin red ribbon tied around it.

"Are you Cassiopeia Crouch?" The girl asked, her voice thin and slightly shaky, like she was scared Cass might attack her.

"Yes." She answered simply, not bothering to hide the irritation in her voice from being interrupted.

"I'm supposed to deliver this to you. It's from Professor Slughorn."

Slughorn. The man that Theodore was supposed to assassinate. What could he possibly want with her?

"Right." Cass took the parchment from the girl, who then proceeded to dash out of the compartment faster than she'd ever seen someone run before. With rough fingers, Cass carelessly tore the letter open, reading the contents out with a frown.

Cassiopeia Crouch

I would be delighted if you would join me for a bit of lunch in compartment C

Sincerely,

Professor H. E. F. Slughorn

As much as Cass was both sceptical of this letter, and simply dreading having to leave her solitude, she figured, she ought not draw attention to herself from the professor by not going. She had to do whatever it took to allow Theodore's mission to unfold, even if that included sucking up to some odd professor at a lunch.

Luckily, she found out as she entered compartment C, she wasn't alone. Instead, several students, most around her age, were crowded around a small table, with an old, large man at the head of it. Slughorn, she presumed, whom age had not treated with kindness.

Out of the students, she only recognised a few; Blaise Zabini, Neville Longbottom, and Ginny Weasley, the latter giving Cass a scowl as she entered. Well, she supposed she deserved that, for breaking Ginny's brother's heart and scaring the living shit out of him while being presumed dead.

"Miss Crouch, lovely that you could join us."

She simply nodded, taking a seat in between Neville and Blaise, both of whom stared at her like she was a dead girl walking. She was, technically.

When her eyes met Blaise, she was reminded of her mission; to recruit Death Eaters. Should Blaise be one of the people she ought to try to recruit? She had no idea where his loyalties lay, sure, he hung out with the Slytherins, but she knew he also had friends in other houses, and didn't seem to care much for blood status. Maybe he would rat her out, and her cover would be blown. But maybe, he'd be interested in the power aspect of the Death Eaters instead of the general mission. Slytherins sure did care for power, and she doubted Blaise was an exception.

Either way, she made a mental note of him.

As conversation grew between the students and Slughorn, she realised exactly why he had these select students invited - they all seemed to offer him something. A lad called Cormac seemed to have connections to the Ministry, while Blaise Zabini's mother was famous for her fortune, which she had acquired from an array of dead husbands.

What could he possibly have to be interested in when it came to her? The Crouch family was disgraced. She was known to be unstable, it had been all over the Daily Prophet. The entire school now knew her not only as the girl with the crazy brother, but the girl who'd ran away to France and all of Great Britain thought her dead.

They all knew what had happened to Connor, too.

Cass couldn't imagine her reputation fit the one Slughorn was looking for. But then again, people often did surprise her.

When he turned to her, he didn't speak of her very well known reputation, but instead, of her potions skills. "Miss Crouch, I hear from Professor Snape that you excel in potions. He's said you're perhaps the best student he's ever had."

She shrugged. "I suppose so."

"It's a shame I won't have you in my class this year, but no matter. I'll still have plenty of time to get to know you in the Slug Club."

He called it the Slug Club? Cass nearly laughed at this, the first sense of humour she'd felt since Connor's death. It didn't last long, though, her mind swiftly returning to its typical nothingness.

She felt herself itching for her calming droughts - she'd have to brew more soon, get to work the moment she was back at the castle. Or, she could simply steal some from Madam Pomfrey, but she figured it wasn't worth the risk, getting caught. She didn't need to add kleptomaniac to the list of horrible things she was.

"So, Miss Crouch, what else should we know about you?"

Let's see, shall we? Well, I'm responsible for the deaths of three people. I'm working for You-Know-Who to raise a child army inside the school. I'm immortal, which is ironic, because what I want most in life is to die. I'd do anything to die.

"I really like waffles." Was what she answered with.

Slughorn's lips curled up in an amused smile. "Waffles, you say? Well, I'll be sure to have them at the next meeting."

She frowned, feeling the eyes of every student on her. Judging. Well, she didn't care as much as the old Cass would've, but it certainly wasn't a pleasant feeling. "Thank you..."

*

There was something pulling the carriage, Cass noticed when she approached the thing, standing in between Henry and Theodore. Malfoy was nowhere to be seen, though Theodore was adamant about the four of them sticking together. The only person that was opposed to this was Cass, who thought it might be too obvious that something was up if she started spending time with Draco Malfoy, who everyone knew she disliked, but Henry figured that the student body was probably done questioning her erratic behaviour by now. He was probably right.

"What is that?" She blinked, staring at the thing with wide eyes.

"You can see it?" Henry eyed her up and down.

She nodded. It was beyond creepy, and a deep feeling inside her told her to run.

"It's a Thesteral. They can only be seen by people who have seen death." Theodore explained as he stepped onto the carriage, Cass and Henry shortly behind him.

"Connor..." She muttered to herself. She hadn't realised he'd died in the short time she'd watched him wither on the ground, choking and coughing. The sinking feeling in her stomach only grew worse as the image of her best friend's dying body filled her mind, and she found herself repeatedly clenching and unclenching her hands as an anxious wave overtook her. Her nails dug into the palms of her hands, enough to draw blood. She didn't feel the pain.

Fuck, she needed a calming drought, and soon.

"Who did you see die, then?" She asked, not caring that it was likely an insensitive question.

Henry and Theodore made eye contact for a brief moment, before tearing their gazes away from each other. "Our mum." Henry answered, his voice low.

"Right." She'd somehow forgotten about Matilda Nott's death, back at the summer before her third year. She had no idea the two had witnessed it. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright." Henry forced a smile, reaching across from where he sat and grabbing ahold of her good hand.

She recoiled away from his touch immediately, frowning. "What was that for?"

He opened his mouth to sputter out a response, but before he could, Draco Malfoy sauntered up to them, his pale nose twitching like it always did when he was angry.

"Bloody Potter was spying on us." He hissed as he climbed into the train, sitting down next to Cass. She slid as far away from him as the carriage would allow. "On me."

"What?" She whipped her head around. "Did you say anything incriminating? Anything about our missions?"

He shook his head. "I figured out that he was there pretty early on."

"Good." Cass nearly sighed in relief. "Where is he now?"

"I hexed him. He'll be on the train back to London now." His lips curled up into a satisfied smirk at this, and Cass couldn't help but laugh, a dry, cold laugh that felt odd in her throat.

"Good. We don't need Potter around, getting his ugly nose in our business." Theodore spat out Potter like a curse word, which, Cass supposed to Slytherins, it likely was.

"So, Draco, do you have a plan?" Henry raised his eyebrows, leaning in to meet Draco's harsh gaze.

"Of course I have a plan." He hissed, his voice low. "Do you have one, Theodore?"

Theodore stiffened. "Of course."

"And Crouch, Henry, you have plans for recruitment?"

Henry simply nodded.

"What do you know about Blaise Zabini's loyalty?" Cass asked him.

"Blaise...you could have a chance with him." Malfoy nodded, contemplating this. "You'd have to be careful, though. He's a bit erratic. Might think one way one day, and another the next. If we're talking the best Slytherins to recruit, you should go after the Carrow twins, Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy."

"Pansy Parkinson?" Cass scrunched her nose. "I think I'd rather stick needles in my eyes than talk to her."

"Fine, let the Dark Lord kill everyone you know and love because you refused to talk to Pansy. Not my problem." Malfoy shrugged, and Cass's jaw clenched.

"Fine. I'll talk to Pansy. I'll talk to them all. But if Crabbe sets me on fire or Pansy drives me to insanity, it's your fault, Malfoy."

*

The feast went by without anything of interest occurring. Cass sat with her usual Ravenclaws, pretending to pay attention as Padma went on about her summer. Apparently, their father had got a promotion at the ministry, which was a big deal. He was now only a few steps down from being Minister of Magic, if something were to happen to the new lad who replaced Fudge. Cass couldn't remember his name.

Surprisingly, yet unsurprising at the same time, Potter returned to the castle, bleeding from his nose but otherwise perfectly fine. The look of pure anger on Draco's face almost made it worth it.

If anyone was curious about what had happened over the summer to Cass, their thoughts were never aired. In fact, they seemed to all steer the conversation away from Cass, likely wanting to avoid any awkwardness the topic could provide.

It was when they entered the common room that something happened, being Saoirse Moore marching up to Cass and punching her square in the nose.

"What the fuck?!" She stumbled back as blood clouded her vision and a metallic taste filled her mouth. Pain seared through her body, all the way from her nose to the back of her head, and judging by the cracking sound that had emitted from the punch, she assumed her nose had been broken.

"You killed my fucking brother!" Saoirse screamed, her voice echoing down the halls. She reached over to punch Cass again, but Naia swiftly intervened, grabbing her arms and holding them behind her back. "Let me go, Johnson!" She squirmed in attempt to escape her grip, but Naia held out, her Quidditch strength giving her the upper hand in the altercation.

"I didn't hurt Connor." Cass lied, tears pricking at her brown eyes, though it had nothing to do with her broken nose.

"Bullshit! He went to France with you! He killed himself because of you! It was all over last weeks Prophet, that you miraculously survived and he committed suicide because some fight he got in! With you!"

"I'm sorry, Saoirse." She shook her head, unsure of what to say. Unsure how to put just how horrible she felt into words. "I never meant for anyone to get hurt."

"Bullshit!" She repeated, her cheeks growing redder and redder by the moment.

"You know I love Connor. Loved." She gulped, blinking back her tears before they could spill. She felt her throat closing up, feelings overwhelming her, stupid, fucking feelings. She needed a calming drought - they'd been the only thing to keep her going through the summer, and she couldn't imagine the school year would be any better without them. "I never meant for this to happen."

"Not enough. You didn't love him enough. Maybe if you did, he would still be alive."

"I'm sorry."

"Liar."

Cass felt a hand on her shoulder, and she turned around to see Ana standing there, green eyes wide with worry. "I should take you to the hospital wing. Your nose looks broken."

"I'm fine." She shrugged Ana's grip off her shoulder. "I just want to go to sleep."

"Cass..."

"Don't worry about me, Ana." She forced a smile that sent a sharp pain in her nose. "I'm fine. Really."

Before anyone could object, she raced up the stairs, entered her dorm, and collapsed in her bed. She swung the curtains around her, and her dormmates seemed to understand that she had no desire to be bothered, and left her alone.

*

Cass skipped all her classes the next day, opting to hide out in the kitchens and brew a month's supply of calming drought. Her nose had stopped the seemingly endless bleeding sometime in the middle of the night, though a massive bruise remained, stretched out from her nose to under her eyes, yellow and blue and disgusting. She couldn't be bothered to attempt to fix it, or even try to conceal it with some of Ana's makeup. She looked like she'd been in some sort of gang fight, when in reality, a bloody fourth year had been the one to hit her. It was slightly humiliating, when she bothered to think about it.

She tried not to think about it, though. Thinking about Saoirse only brought guilt upon her, she'd been responsible for killing her big brother, no matter how she tried to tell herself otherwise.

When she returned to the Ravenclaw common room in the evening, she was met with Henry Nott, arms crossed as he stared at her. "You weren't in class today."

"You only know that because you're so stupid, you got held back in half of them." She responded with, unsure why she felt the need to be so mean.

He flinched at this, brown eyes growing wide. "What the hell is wrong with you, Crouch?"

"Don't call me Crouch."

"What I call you is besides the point." He looked around the common room to make sure no one was listening. "Cass, we're engaged. You have to start treating me like we are."

"What, you want to start holding hands? Snogging in the hallways? Going on dates to Hogsmeade?" She laughed at the idea, shaking her head.

"Yes!" He cried. "Yes, I want all those things. I refuse, downright refuse, to have an unhappy marriage."

"Well, you don't always get what you want, Henry. I've learned that the hard way. We may be engaged, but we sure as hell aren't a couple." She moved to run up to her room, but Henry grabbed her wrist, pulling her towards him.

"You don't want to go up there. I saw Burke and Creevey go up there, acting all inconspicuous."

At the mention of Bethany, she stiffened. "Bethany, the other sisters...are they aware of our mission?" She lowered her voice to a whisper.

He shook his head. "No, none of the Burke sisters are. Cuthred and Cynric aren't high enough in the ranks for their children to be involved. Though Bethany and Theodore are still engaged...she ought to stop fooling around with that poor kid, when they can never have a future together."

"Yeah, because Bethany will totally take well to unsolicited life advice." Cass tugged at the grip Henry had on her, but to no avail. "Let me go. I'll go back to the kitchens."

"Take me with. I'm sick of studying."

"I want to be alone."

"You've been alone all day, I know that for a fact."

"Yes, and?"

"Cass, please." He stared at her with a wounded expression, and she felt her heart of ice melt ever so slightly. "Can we find a private place to chat? Please?"

"Fine." She sighed. "But don't make me regret this."

*

"What's that?" Henry asked as they settled in the alcove behind the leprechaun tapestry, where they had shared a kiss back in her fourth year.

Cass lowered the vial from her mouth, just as she had finished drinking the liquid. "Calming drought."

"You seemed calm before. What do you need them for?"

"They help keep my thoughts at bay." She said as she tucked the vial into the pocket of her robe. "No big deal."

He pressed his lips together, eyeing her up and down with hesitation. "Cass, I don't think that's healthy...calming droughts should be used in moderation only, that's what Snape always said. Pomfrey only gives them out in emergencies."

"Did I ask?" She snapped, raising her eyebrows.

"Well, no, but...never mind." He sighed, running a hand through his hair, which had been taken out of its usual bun and lay against his shoulders. Henry was handsome, there was no denying it, and Cass figured, if she had to be married, perhaps it was for the best that it was with him. Someone good looking, and someone she overall liked. "I worry about you, is all. I mean, shit, look at you."

Her eyebrows perked up even higher than they had been before.

"You've lost so much weight." He explained. "You isolated yourself the entire time you were at the Malfoy manor this summer. And apparently, you're taking calming droughts."

"What, was I supposed to spend time with the death eaters? Invite Bellatrix for a cup of tea, share a pint with Cuthred Burke? What about your father? Should I play poker with him?"

"Don't talk about my father." He hissed. She'd clearly hit a nerve.

Good.

"Then don't talk about how I chose to cope with my best friends murder."

"I just want you to be happy, Cass." Henry reached over, and placed a hand on her knee. She didn't pull away, though she wanted to. "I want us to be happy. But you need to stop building a wall around yourself. You need to let me in."

She looked away from him, brown eyes staring down at her feet. "Fuck off."

"We're going to be married." He insisted.

"You keep saying that like it means something."

For a long moment, neither of them said anything

Eventually, Henry did speak, his voice only just above a whisper. "This isn't the Cass I fell in love with."

Cass shook her head, a cold laugh emitting from her lips. "She's dead, Henry. She died alongside Connor. Get used to it."