I know I haven't published nothing since a few days ago, I haven't been active except in here (reading), on tumblr and YouTube.

I want to apologize for that, I've been busy. My finals are next week, so I'm trying to put my last effort and not fuck everything, but I'm not that lucky...

And I say "trying" because I was doing fine, not great, but not bad, until the past week, the Friday May 11th.

My best friend Ivan and I were talking in the parking lot meanwhile I was waiting my mom because she went for me to school. He was acting kinda weird, but I let him be, he's been a lot lately with his family. They're not like my parents, they barely care about his son's wishes or interest, and he's very misunderstood. The black sheep.
So we were talking and then my mom pass for me and we went shopping.
He really wanted to say something, but he didn't find the proper words for say it. I told him "hey, why don't hang out the next Tuesday, since we don't have classes that day, just the two of us and no one else" and he were agreed.

Well... it didn't work. His sister came with him, and our friend Karen came as well. We hang out around the mall nearby our high school for hours, and it was fun.

So anyways, he didn't had the chance again. By that time I only was thinking in every single option of what was the thing he wanted to tell me. Did he do something wrong? Did his family do something to him? Did he returns with his ex? (Which her sister and a few of other people can't put up with) WHAT WAS SO IMPORTANT?

And I get my answer the day before yesterday  (May 16th).

We were talking, everything was normal, until the end of our lunch time. He gave a heart made of paper and say "read it when you're not too busy". I read it... And since that moment I haven't stopped thinking about it... it was a love note. Not a letter, it wasn't long enough, but still...

He sent me a message asking if I already read it, and I say no, you know, like a liar. Then he say he wanted to talk to me after school. My mom was coming for me as well, so I didn't have a lot of time.

Well, I went, he was with a bouquet of flowers for me and it has a small note with the words "do you want to be my girlfriend"...

I had lucky and I avoided talking about it, thanks to my friends, since we all went together to the front door.

I was quiet outide, but inside I was freaking out as fuck. I control my breath enough to not look like I was about to run like my life depend of it.
We talk until my mom call me and say she was waiting for me in the parking lot. I hide the flowers under my seat in her car and I kept them there until 2:00 a.m. of yesterday's night. I put them on water and hide them. I didn't want to my family found them. And they did a few hours ago.

I tried to avoid any contact with any person who knew about Ivan's intentions, who are, basically, most part of my friends. I tried to not be so affectionately in messenger with him or anyone.

I lied about being busy. I'm not so busy as they think.

But now, I don't know what the heck I'm going to do.

I love Ivan. It was the first person who saw me crying. I hate cry in front of people, but with him I don't feel like I need to hide it. He's too considerate, too kind. He's like the brother I've always wanted to have.

I don't know if I mentioned before, but I SUCK IN LOVE.

It's hard for me fall in love with someone, and I didn't have a serious crush in someone since I was in 4the grade.

I can't date anyone who I barely known, it's not my style. I like to have bonds with people before date them. That's one of the reasons why one of my relationships didn't work. I barely known him + he was older than me and my family make fun of that. I wasn't ready, and I cut my relationship with him.

Other case, one of my friends during my first year in high school. We weren't close-close, we were just friends. And she had a crush on me. I can't remember if get that information thanks to one of our friends or she sent me a message telling me she likes me, but the point here is, I couldn't do it... I panicked and I haven't seen her or talked to her since a few years ago, when I fuck up everything and failed one year.

I started again. And I meet Ivan. I had a crush on him, but it passes as nothing with the time. We started to talk and talk. We turned into friends. We talked and talked. He meets my family and my house. We talk even more, we find out we have so much in common and our friendship went beyond your average kind of bond, we turned into best-friends and bros. Everything was right... then they started shipping us, WHEN HE WAS STILL WITH HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND.

I mean, it's not the first time I've been shipped with someone, my grandma shipped me with one kindergarten friend until today; but being shipped and they have no intention of hide that, which made me uncomfortable.

I mean, I can handle being shipped if a family member do it, it's my family after all. But being shipped and your friends are ones who shipped you it's kinda hard for me you know.

Anyways... yes, I imagined myself being in a love-relationship with him, but I didn't like the idea too much. I have my life kinda planned, and being in love it's not my priority right now.

I look at us and the only thing I saw its just a platonic thing, nothing else.

But that's the thing... I care too fucking much for him. I don't want to fall in love, because I'm too afraid of doing it. I can't do it. And no matter how many times I say "fuck it, let's do this", I know it won't work with this situation.

Here's something I wanted to you to know. On mother's day (may 10th in Mexico) I bought two roses. One was for my mom and one was for him. I love flowers and their meanings. And I read a yellow rose means "friendship, sweetness and affection" and I gave him that flower.

Now I'm asking myself if it that small act I saw just as just something small it's the reason of all of this...

I know Ivan, I know who is he, how he deal with his problems, his favorite color, his favorite anime, his problems with his family... but I don't know him enough.

And, even when I'll be pretty chill in any kind of relationship, I don't know why would someone want to being with me as his/her/their partner.

I'm too confused right now, debating what's the best thing, what should I do, and the worst thing is... the worst thing is I can't fucking do anything to set myself free.

I can't fucking scream. I can't fucking cry (and I really want to do it). I can't pretend I'm fine. I can't even talk about this with my friends since they want to know the answer I have to give. I feel like everyone has their eyes on me.

I'm frozen.

I haven't slept good. And my last thought in the nights before fall sleep and my first thought in the morning when I wake up it's that: "WHAT THE HECK I'M SUPPOSED TO DO OR SAY?!"

I FUCKING TRIED TO HIDE MYSELF IN THE GIRL'S RESTROOM DURING LUNCH YESTERDAY AND I FUCKING FAILED IT.

MY MOM FOUND WHERE THE FLOWERS WERE AND SHE AND MY SISTER STARTED TEASING ME WITH QUESTIONS. I FUCKING HIDE IN MY ROOM FOR TWO HOURS UNTIL I WAS HUNGRY ENOUGH TO WENT OUT.

I'M NOT READY FOR THIS. I'M NOT PREPARED FOR THIS. AND MAYBE I'LL NEVER BE READY AT ALL!

Please, for God's fucking sake... someone.... anyone... tell me what the fuck I should do.