Tw: suicide thoughts and depression

I haven't felt good since college started. I suffered at least 2 breakdowns and a lot of burnouts since this started.

I don't like the school. And I don't even know if this is what I want to do the rest of my life. It's a depressing feeling... feel like I'm not good enough, not having friends, the fucked up sleep schedule, the numbness or the anger and stress I have to deal every day as I pretend that this is fine.

I just hate this... I feel like I took the place of someone that really wanted be in there... it's draining me.

I still can change my career according to my mother, but that would mean I have to do the exam again, and maybe my other career wouldn't even make me happy... and have to deal with my family's disappointment because I changed architecture to something else... specially my father, but that's a story for another day...

I want to just give up. Maybe being dead would be better, but I can't manage the thought of how my dead will affect my family and friends.

I have no time for even take care of my mental health because I'm either pretending I know what I'm doing or just being a completely useless being.

I... I really feel tired of this...