Maybe I shouldn't drink that third cup of coffee tho...

But anyways, I've been thinking about my last update and I take a decision: I'm going to be honest with him and say I just want him as my friend.

I'm not ready (yet) for a relationship. I'm happy with my singleness. And I'm not quite sure if being his girlfriend would work.

My historial in love-relationships it's not good. My parents get divorced after 10-11 years married. They didn't got married because they have things in common (my father explains that very clearly), they got married because my mom was pregnant of me.

They can't tolerate each othera lot, and both lied to each other using my sister and I to keep their secrets (which sometimes makes me sick and bad, since it's hard for me keep a whose aren't mine).

It's hard for me truly fall in love with someone. I care a lot about my family and friends, I won't lie to myself; but for reasons beyond my comprehension, I just can't love someone as my partner.

I'm more concentrated in my studies and my life's project now, and have a boyfriend/girlfriend/ partner it's not a priority right now.

Would I like to fall in love with someone? Yes, but not now.

Even when I really want to fall in love, I only see him as my friend, my confident, my bro. And that's when my insecurity attacks: "the things will never be the same and you know it"

And it's right.

I have a friend who liked me when I was in my first year of high school, and she declared her love to me. I got scared and I panicked, I cut my relationship with her, and I haven't seen her since that.

I also had a "boyfriend" but I wasn't clear enough with him about my feelings. I met him in a party, and we started dating, but I barely know him. Every time he went to my house I hide or ask my sister to say I wasn't in home. He tried to keep contact with me, but I just ignore it.

My point? I can't fucking fall in love, no matter the circumstances. I just can't.

With Ivan it's more difficult, he was the first person I've ever cried in public. The first person who I care as fuck about it. He was my first confident friend in years, even more confident than my own sister. And I was his.

We've talked a lot about who we truly are, we have a strong bond.

When I first met him he had a girlfriend, but their relationship was very toxic. They had friends in common and they were agreed it was better if they just break-up forever.

We used to play this stupid game named "probability", were you say a challenge, say a number and if you say the same number as the challenger, you have to do it. Our friends usually make us kiss each other, and I was uncomfortable after I knew about his girlfriend.

Just a few months ago, they broke up once and for all. He was very sad and, since I'm his friend, I tried to cheer him up.

I truly care about him, but I can't reciprocate his feelings, no matter how hard I try to convince myself.

And I really want to do it.

It's weird. Every since he told me that the past Wednesday I can't feel my heart. I know it's beating, but I can't feel it.

When one of our friends ask for my answer the day after he proposed to me I just ran, even when I shouldn't run. I avoid successfully say any kind of answer (thanks in part of the fact our finals starts today), but I can't keep running for this forever.

I don't know what would happen now, but I need to face it.

I'm afraid of this. I'm afraid I broke more his heart, but I know by experience a lie hurt more than the truth...