(This is part of the many reasons why I haven't written a fuck in "You caused it", also because I'm still having a writer's block)

Okay, so it's been the second day of school and I've already get triggered.

So I was walking with my friends, talking and laughing when one of them took a cigarette from their pocket, and they wanted to turn it on, but I took it and broke it (?) in half. After that one of my friends and I started to talk about why we hated that damn object.

But before getting into that, I need to put you in context.

My parents are divorced (but I don't want to explain a lot about it) and my mom has the custody of my sister and me (but since now I'm a legal adult, she's just taking care of me right now). My parents didn't get a good deal about how we're going to spend time with my dad.

To be honest, I don't feel like I can get connected with him, except for maybe Star Wars or football or cats or math. I'm afraid of him because of how he used to act when my parents were still together. He used to drink and smoke... a lot... when my mom is pretty fucking allergic to the smoke and a lot of other things...

After the divorce, I developed depression and I used to self-harm... I'm not really proud of that...

And I make a promise to myself: to never drink nor smoke (mostly because of both my dad and grandma used to do it when I was there)

I went to therapy with my psychologist and I had to repeat a year in high school. 

I got better, and my grandma (R.I.P) was the one who actually found out about I was self-harming. And she explained to my dad everything and never said she was disappointed, she said she was still proud of me for trying...

 For me, keeping my grades high is like a fucking big deal, mostly because that was the only way I had to keep my family happy when I was younger. So I thought: "If I got good grades, they won't fight. Make them proud to distract them"

And now, I just feel like the biggest disappointment they'll ever have.

After my grandma's disease, I tried to get myself distracted from the pain, which developed into not getting contact with my dad's family for almost all summer.

So almost a week ago I woke up around 3 a.m. without reason and I checked my phone. 

BIG MISTAKE.

My dad sent me a message. He was hurt because we didn't spend a week with him, mostly because I couldn't do it. He wrote a lot of things that hurt me. I didn't look at the whole thing but was enough for making me cry for almost an hour and a half... I was supposed to continue with the chapter the next morning, but I wasn't even able to get out of bed... I spend all day in bed.

On Thursday, I got a little better, but later that night I got a message from my godmother, who's my dad's sister, my aunt, which said she was disappointed on me, which I'm not surprised, after all, I'm just that...

MY FAMILY'S BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT. 

I've talked this with my best friend, with an internet friend, writing it down... but I'm still feeling the same... 

I'm afraid to ask my mom if she can programme a new appointment with my psychologist because I've already asked her for a lot. But I also I don't want to believe my depression is back and I'm just trying to concentrate on something else because that's what I do: run away from everything and try to hide.

So yeah... that's been my mood for the last couple of months if I'm honest with myself