I learned something I probably didn't want to know.  And I don't know what to do with it next.  I don't think he remembers anything, but is that possible?  Today I was sent additional, classified information about Heart and LiMing.  It's sad how their story turned out.  The worst thing is that not only Fourth's biological father, P'Mile, is involved in the case, but also someone I accidentally trusted.  Now I'm sure of it, before I had doubts and was deceived, but now I think I know where this trail leads.

Ok, from the beginning, let's start again.  What came first?  P'First's visit.

Fourth doesn't talk much about his family, I feel like he's ashamed of them.  If it weren't for his older brother, P'First, I wouldn't know anything until now.

P'First visited me at my apartment yesterday.  He came to Thailand because the Formula 1 season had just ended and drivers could go on a well-deserved vacation.  I was surprised that he knew where I lived, but I quickly remembered that he and Fourth were brothers, maybe Fifs had told him himself.  P'First is a Formula 1 driver and drives for the Williams team.  He has two pole positions and one win, but that's it.  His career is not developing as he would like, or at least that's what Fifs told me.

P'First didn't beat around the bush, he got straight to the point.

“Do you know who Fourth is?”

“Well, your brother, isn't he?” I asked, hoping I didn't sound too naive.

“That too, but what do you know about our family?  Do you know who our fathers are?”

“These are businessmen, they are known not only in Thailand”.

“Businessmen.  You could say that if you mean a gray zone on the border of the law”.

“Mafia?”

I thought he was joking.  I waited for him to laugh at my stupid idea, but he just sat there and silently sipped the juice I gave him.  This matched the information I already had and what Fourth had told me in person.  He couldn't hide it.  However, I didn't understand what P'First was getting at, it seemed too confusing.

“We don't use our fathers' surnames, for security reasons they decided that we would hide in plain sight under our mothers' surnames.  My mother used to be a racing driver, so they thought her name might help me if I wanted to pursue a career.  P'Mile is our biological father, but P'Apo is closer to us.  We're really alone, just me and Fourth, no one else.  My mother died when I was eight years old, the official version is that it was a heart attack, unofficially I can tell you that it was because of drugs.  Apparently she claimed that I ruined her life.  I don't know Fourth's mother”.

“There are two of you?  And Gun?”

“Gun?” First repeated after me.  He frowned, thinking about something, then became even sadder, if that was even possible.

“P'First, please tell me what happened to Gun?”

“He never existed.  Gun is one of my brother's personalities. I guess it's his way to protect himself. That's why I came to you.  To warn you.  Even if Fourth didn't hurt anyone, Gun has many enemies, so you have to be very careful from now on.  Fourth doesn't know that Gun is actually Fourth himself and when he becomes Gun, he can be dangerous to those around him, including you”.

“No no no!  I don't believe that!  No it's not possible!” I got up from the chair and started walking around the room, pulling my hair.

I knew that Fourth had some secrets, I noticed that sometimes he was absent in his thoughts or acted as if he didn't know who I was, but never in my darkest nightmares did I imagine that my Fourth, my funny, cheerful, singing and dancing friend  and my work partner is a psychopath!

The information my informant gave me about the deaths of Heart and LiMing indicated that Gun was responsible for LiMing's death.  But why?  What was his motive?  When First came to me and told me about his brother's history, I already knew about Gun's connections with the mafia, I just didn't know how close their relationship was.  Until that moment, until the words spoken by First in a painfully calm and serious voice, I had been under the illusion that it was some kind of mistake.

And then my heart broke into a thousand pieces, even though I had walls around it that seemed solid and insurmountable.

My Fourth, the one whose funny faces made me laugh every day, the one who looked at me as if I was the most beautiful in the world, the same Fourth turned out to be a cruel, psychopathic murderer who killed another boy perhaps just because he looked like him  .

I don't know if I will forgive him.

I don't know if I ever want to see him again.  For now, I'm trying to figure it out.  First said I couldn't blame Fourth for this, because the real Fourth had a good heart and would never hurt anyone, but how could I be sure which personality my friend would be that day?  What if he becomes Gun again and kills me too?  Or will he kill my entire family?

I don't know.

I'm lost and terrified, First's words ringing in my ears, cutting my soul into little pieces over and over again.  I imagine that I am now a nineteen-year-old boy who was born with shining angel wings and a kind, loving heart, but the longer this boy went through life, the more hurt he became.  His angel wings have lost their shine, they are broken, nicked, bleeding, and someone has torn off some of their feathers.  And this boy is now walking through a city filled with strange, sinister glances from other passers-by, the rain lashing his face, mixing with the blood flowing from wounds all over his body.  The boy stops and falls.  The most painful blow comes from someone he accidentally trusted.  This person takes the heart that I give him in my outstretched hand, plays with it for a while, then crumples it up like an unnecessary piece of paper, tears it into small pieces and throws it into a muddy puddle.  The boy tries to get up, but his legs are too weak, too injured, not only are the wounds oozing blood, they are festering.  With the last of his strength, the boy reaches out and grabs the remnants of his own heart mixed with rain and mud, thrown into the garbage, and that's exactly what he feels like: like garbage.  The unwanted one, the unnecessary one, the one that others only see when they need something from him.  And the boy feels that he is drowning in this rain, streams of water lashing his body, and he shivers with pain and cold.  People pass by indifferently, some take photos, others laugh, no one extends a helping hand to him.  The boy is alone.  He dies.  And no one notices it.  The star of crowds leaves this world quietly, unnoticed, omitted, forgotten.

That's how I feel.

I feel betrayed, hurt.

The one who was my smile is the reason someone dies.

No, I don't want to believe it.

And when I almost believed it, my hands reached for a pen and notebook and I started writing, even though I felt like I had no control over it.  It's like someone took over my body and used it to send me a message.

Someone.

I know who.

Heart.  Only he could know that.

I look at the A4 sheet of paper written on for a long time.  It's not my writing.  I need to rewrite this.

Handwritten note (I think Heart):

“Nong Gem, it's not your Fourth, he didn't do it.  I don't know who, but it's definitely not him.  I was with him before I came to you, before I found you.  And I saw his suffering, I saw his struggle.  He is like this because he experienced something terrible, Gun is not his way of defending himself, his fathers are terrifying and brutal, I think they might have had something to do with it.  Gun exists. You can actually meet him. Don't walk away from him, Fourth didn't do anything wrong, I can vouch for that because I was with him all this time, but when I realized he couldn't see or hear me, I decided to look for someone else.  That's how I found you.  You helped me discover that I could use your body to tell you everything I know.  All I know is that your Fourth is innocent.  It's P'Mile who wants you to hate him, but don't ask why, I don't know. But all I can tell is that your Fourth exists, yes, now I remember, there was 3 of them but...

Don't listen to P'First, he's rarely at home, he's a world-famous athlete, he travels a lot and believes what their fathers say.  It seems to me that P'First wants to protect itself first and foremost.  I...”

And that's where the text ends, as if something had stopped him from writing.

This forced me to carefully read the information given to me by "my man". The more I looked at it, the more I saw that Heart (or whoever it was) was right. It wasn't Fourth. But it was definitely someone around him.  And I'm afraid that only Fourth can help me solve this mystery, and that complicates matters because I can't shake the doubts because some part of me was able to believe in Gun's murderous nature.

I feel ashamed.  This beast is eating me from the inside, crushing me.

Does the fact that I was willing to believe P'First's words mean that I don't deserve Fourth?  That I'm the bad guy in our relationship?  He's the one I know, he's the one I spend time with, he's the one who helps me, he's the one I see almost every day, so why did I almost believe First?  Does that make me a traitor too?

After all, I see what Fourth is like every day: he laughs, dances, fools around, is gentle and charming, funny and always lends a helping hand.  He teases me, likes to get on my nerves, and at the same time he is my oasis of peace.  No, he didn't do it.  I only believed for a split second, but it won't happen again.  I've known him longer, I've seen First maybe for the second time.  I would be a total idiot to believe a stranger.  Besides... Heart...

In a minute...

I've seen him before!  I saw Heart!  Then, when Fourth drove his car to my apartment... I saw Heart!  He was standing behind my brother, Phuwin, and I thought he was whispering something in his ear.  I thought Fourth would come to see me, I actually wanted to see him then, but he went into the building and after a few minutes he left and went back to the car.  Then I saw Heart.  He was behind Phu, I'm sure of it.  Yes!  It must have been him because he looked like me, only with a different hairstyle.  Fourth disappeared from my sight, but I saw Phu and Heart clearly.  Phu took out his phone and seemed to start filming something, but I don't know what it was.  Maybe he recorded Fourth?

Wait a minute...

Does this mean Phu saw Heart?  If so, maybe he thought it was me?  Does that mean we can both see it?  How can I ask him about it gently without him noticing?