You were my best friend.

Today I stand next to your grave. I don’t know what to say.

You left me, Gemini, you left me with a broken heart and I still think maybe I could do more? Maybe I could save you? Maybe if I came to you earlier…

You chose her. I had nothing to say. You said you loved her. I believed you. You two looked so happy together. You told your fans about your new movie, it was a big achievement and I wanted to be proud of you. I promise I wanted to be happy for you, but every time I saw you with her, my heart froze.
Do you even remember that everything you did with her, you once did with me too?
All the kisses on the temple or forehead, every time when you were holding hands, I could only remember that we did that too.
And then you left me with a letter.
I have it right now with me, I look at it with an emotionless face. I read it once again.

“Hi Fourth!

You’re reading this so it means I’m no longer here. Maybe I should apologize but I don’t want to. What should I apologize for? In the end I’m the one who deserves an apology.
Are you surprised?

Don’t say that, I showed you many times what I want to do but you never believed me. You thought I’m happy with Prim. That’s only half of the truth. We were happy at the beginning, you know, this great puppy love. But puppy love soon turned into something dangerous. I didn’t know she was a mafioso. I wish I knew before. My brothers, Phu and Dunk, warned me many times but I was blinded by the love. Yes, FotFot, I loved Prim. That’s why I couldn’t return your feelings.
Oh, yeah, I know what you feel for me.
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to use you like this. It happened before I realized how bad it was for both of us.

Back to Prim…

She used me. And then she came to me and told me to choose between her and you. I couldn’t do it. She said she loved me, but was this really love if she sold me like this to her mafia friends? Yes, Fourth, she sold me to a mafia. She took me to their place, and I met her boss. He was arrogant and his self-confidence was so high that it made me scared. They said: “You have a choice, either you leave the music industry to work for us or your friend, Fourth Nattawat dies”.

That was no choice at all.

I regret trusting her. She betrayed me. You knew, you told me this too, I didn’t want to listen and now I have to pay for my stupidity.
I’ll give this letter to Dunk, I hope he’ll give it to you at the right time. You deserve to know the truth and the whole truth. I made a mistake, I fell in love with the wrong person. I know I should’ve fallen in love with you instead. You’d never betray me like this.
I’m sorry if I can’t be with you anymore. I have to fix what I broke. And this is the only solution. They would kill you and I couldn’t let them. I don’t know what did you do to them to make them so mad, but for me it's my last chance to repay all the good things I had thanks to you.

You loved me and yet you’ve always been a good friend to me. Every time when I called you, you came to me or you talked with me for hours. When I needed you, you were with me. When I told you that I want to be a singer, you supported me, you told me to give myself a chance and you were practicing songs and dances with me. That’s why it’s even harder to leave you.

But I want you to know that at my very last moment I’ll be thinking about you, I’ll look at your face on the pictures in my phone. I will miss you, but please, you don’t miss me. Go and live your life for the fullest. For both of us. You told me you wanted to become a passenger airplane pilot. Go for it! I left you some money in your bank account, it should be enough to cover all curses and lectures. I hope it will be enough for you to rent a small apartment near to college. I also left some money for my brothers and our parents. All things in my room… They belong to you, Dunk and Phuwin, you can make a deal between yourself and rest you can give away to orphanages. At least this will be one good thing I’ll do in my life.

I’ve always been selfish but I don’t want to be like this anymore.

Don’t cry after me.

After all, I couldn't even return your feelings. I feel bad about this but I can’t change it.
And please,  fall in love with someone else but don’t forget about me. Visit me sometimes at the cemetery. I’ll wait for you. And one day, when you live your life enough, I’ll come to you, I’ll take your hand and we will walk out of this world together, as old friends. I promise the bond between us will never be broken.

– Your best friend forever, Gemini.”

You wrote this and you left me without the most precious thing for me, without you. You didn’t understand my feelings at all.
Today I stand next to your grave with your letter in one hand and a gun in the other. I put the gun to my temple.

You never understood how much I love you and how painful for me it was when you were gone. I can’t breathe without you. I was ready to let you be with someone else, but you chose to leave us all. You didn’t see your brothers crying. You didn’t see Dunk killing Prim when he discovered what she did. Dunk is now in prison.

You made a wrong choice, GemGem. You’re right, you should’ve fallen for me. You are to blame for this. You chose Prim and you ruined the lives of so many people. I’m still mad at you.

I take a deep breath, I look at your grave. It’s covered with flowers but also letters from your fans. Turned out that many people loved you. When you chose to leave us, you broke so many hearts. Yesterday I saw a young girl, younger than us, sitting on the grass next to your grave. She was holding a bucket of your favorite flowers and put on your song. She was crying but when she saw me, she stood up and came to me. She welcomed me as someone she knew.

“Hi P’Fourth” – She said with trembling voice. – “I’m Alice, Gem’s fan. I’ve been his fan since he started his career and I know how much he loved you”.

She knew my name, even tho I wasn’t known by many people. I was only a student of law at Chula university, you were the superstar. You were about to record the next music video with the biggest stars of our company, Bright Vachirawit, NuNew Chawarin and Nanon Korapat. You will never make this dream of yours come true.

“You’re wrong, Alice, Gemini had never loved me. He loved Prim” – I corrected her. She whipped her tears and said,

“No, P’Fourth, you’re the one who is wrong. P’Prim was only a cover. Didn’t you know? I thought you knew. P’Gemini asked P’Prim to be in a fake relationship to hide his real sexuality. You know the music industry, it could end really bad, especially for you, if his fans and his boss found out he was not straight. You know this industry, P’Fourth”.

“But what can be worse than his death?” – I asked her. – “Why did he do this? He could’ve just told me”.

“No, he couldn’t. He tried to protect you. Did you watch closely his last music video? For the song  Too Close To Handle?”

“Yup, I did, but only once. It was… It was too painful to watch more” – I admitted. The girl was very nice and honest. I felt that I could trust her. Alice. Her name was Alice.

“So you didn’t notice…” – She looked disappointed.

“What I didn’t notice?”

“He was told to kidnap and kill Prim. Prim in this video is you, P’Fourth. At the end Gemini walked out of her restaurant to protect her. He did the same now: he killed himself to protect you. He wanted you to live a happy life and be safe”.

“Then he failed because I felt everything but happiness. It was the wrong choice. I didn’t want to be safe if he’s not with me anymore”.

“I understand, but P’Fourth you have to be strong for him, to make him proud of you. Otherwise his sacrifice will mean nothing”.
I didn’t wanted to listen to this anymore. I said my “thanks” to her and left her. And today I’m here again. If you really loved me and did that to protect me, then you have to know that you failed, GemGem. If you really loved me you’d stay with me and we would face the danger together. Now I have nothing. I have no reason to be alive anymore. Without you nothing makes sense anymore. You were my sunshine, my red flag that I love till the very end. 

I take another deep breath, I hope my last one.

And then I shoot.

For a moment everything becomes black and almost disappeares but then I see some warm light. It becomes closer and closer. I open my eyes. I don’t feel any pain. I look around and see my own body lying with head bleeding on your grave. Then I see something very beautiful.

I see you.

You walk towards me. You look angry. I’m a little bit too happy to be afraid of you.
“What did you just do?” – You ask me with an angry voice.

“Nothing. I just missed you and I wanted to be with you” – I smile at you. I know that my smile was always your weakness. You give up immediately.

“But… FotFot, I didn’t want you to die! I did this to protect you! They wanted to kill you! Now it’ll be that they won”.

“No, GemGem, we won. If you really loved me, all what matters is that we can be together now”.

“You’re dumb. I don’t know why I had fallen for you”.

“Oh, did you?”

“Yeah. And what do you think, what was the real reason behind my death?” – You ask without even a trace of smile on your face. You look so sad that all I want is to hug you and the moment when I think it, without my own move, you’re falling into my arms. I’m shocked but I hug you tight to show you how much I’ve missed you.

“I can’t think of anything right now with you between my arms” – I say completely honestly and feel my cheeks burning.

Wait…

Do ghosts feel such things?

And then I wake up. I open my eyes and see you sleeping right next to me.

So this all was only a dream?

With relief I raise my hand to brush away strands of your hair. You look so innocent like an angel when you sleep. But behind you I see picture in beautiful frame. Picture of you and Prim. My heart freezes again.
Maybe not everything was a dream. Maybe we all died and went to a parallel universe? To a place where some things are similar but some are different? I position myself closer to you and kiss your lips. Maybe that’s my only chance? You don’t feel it. You are so deep in your sleep, I wonder what you dream about? Maybe you dream about us?

But why you sleep with me if you always choose Prim?

I have no answer for that just yet, but when sun rises, it wakes you up. You look at me and smile and I know that I will love you in every universe.