Loralai had left, to hunt or do something. She insisted for me to stay, which meant--again--that I was left in nothing but the dreadful silence.

What now?

Why did I ever think I could be safe?

Zaila... Would she ever find out that I'm alive?

I hope the answer is no, but I doubt it. She will probably be checking back at that house everyday to see how I'm doing.

And today she would see I'm not there.

She would find me, where I was hiding.

She would kill me, right then and there. No more waiting around for starvation to take its course.

Zaila wants me dead. And I know for a fact Zaila does anything to get everything she wants.

Including my death.

What now?

Stay here an do nothing until Zaila finds and kills me, I guess. Or I could leave, and die faster.

I don't...

But I don't want to die.

I want to live.

But not like this. I don't want people to pity me. I don't want to live off of pity... I want to be able to stand on my own, not have someone carry me the entire way...

Is that too much to ask?!

To live a normal life...

I guess it is. And there's nothing I can do about it....

Or is there?

I... don't know. I don't know.

I don't know!

What now?

What do I do now?

I wanted to scream. I've wanted to scream for a long time.

Scream for everything that's happened to me.

Cry for everyone who ever betrayed me.

Scream and scream and scream and scream and scream again.

Cry and cry and cry and cry and cry again.

What now?

I thought that I'd given up on hope already--and that hope had given up on me--, but found that it was flooding back. Uncontrollable hope, like a river that had just been blocked by a dam. But that dam was gone now.

And this river of hope brought chaos along with it, for no one could have possible planned for this river to come so quickly, so suddenly.

Hope is like water. It can be useful. In fact if you never have any of it, you die.

But have too much of it at the wrong time, and it can be what kills you.

No, not can be what kills you. Will be what kills you.

And I couldn't shake the feeling that my river of hope will be the thing that kills me. My river of hope will lead me to do something stupid. My river of hope will lead me to death.

My river of hope will drown me.

But did I want my river of hope to go? To leave me forever? To... To dry up?

No. I didn't. It was a wholehearted no. I wanted the river of hope to stay.

Hope is what makes you want to live. Hope is what lets you live.

And I don't want to die. Not now, not anytime soon.

I said that hope and water are similar. That you need them to live--which is true. And also that too much of them at the wrong time will kill you.

That is also true. However, in order to survive...

You just need to learn to swim.