Story Number Nine

Hello Writer Number Nine, here is your feedback from Blind Critique.

There's something kinda strange about the formatting here. It's much better if you pick a formatting and stick to it instead of using left aligned and centred. I would like to have to have seen more description. So instead of saying a car was a bubble of luxury, show us why.

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I love all the senses you evoke in this scene. You do a good job of building up the emotion too. The only thing i don't like is the formatting (not sure if this was intentional or wattpad being wonky!). I would also suggest using something other than commas in a few places but that's also a personal preference.

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I think this sets the scene quite strongly and the personality of the character involved. I do like some of the imagery but I think it is a bit over-used. There is a metaphor/simile in every paragraph which means that the overall impact of them is lessened. I'd maybe edit out some of them (e.g. the car shuddering in distaste is quite separate from the rest of the voice of the extract and almost head hops away from the focus. I'd also maybe take out 'ticking of a disdainful clock' as that one, to me, doesn't make much sense and her disdain is very clearly shown elsewhere). I think this is an instance where less is more and taking out some of the imagery would increase the impact and punchiness of the ones remaining.

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Nothing too critical to say about this piece. Though, it did feel like you were trying to show off vocabulary. A few things could've been simplified.

What I'm curious about, is the format. Why do the paragraphs stagger to the right? It drew my attention away from the story with its unusual placement.

Now, I'd like to see who she loathed, and why she was in search of them.

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This is a very good description of an elite stepping into a slum. Very well portrayed, there is not too much happening here than I could tell you more on the story per se but apart from this there's a few things I'd like to point out :
the words 'dragged out' is quite contrary to a lady walking in heels, or perhaps you meant that she 'dragged out her black leather bag'? ; 'bubble of luxury' also is quite a jarring difference in the general vibe you've gone for. 'bubbly' could be used in an instance where the situation was perhaps more childish/cute. 'shudder in distaste' to something that it should be relived to be separated from, is a bit confusing.

Very sorry for being a bit blunt, but if you take care of these, this would make and even excellent read.
I love the last line. Maybe try putting it as the first line, it would be as excellent catch line! ;D

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9.
I like the picture you painted of the woman, especially some of your turns of phrases, like unsmiling red, disdainful clock. I don't like the experiment in paragraph alignments. At first I thought I was about to read verse, but it's a narrative. Jumping from left to center to right alignment and back to left is very distracting and unnecessary. I would suggest improving the flow of the narrative by keeping it all left aligned.

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I enjoyed how this started. You make sure to use words to really tell us about this woman without having to spell it out. With your word choices and how you describe her is all you need to show the arrogance she must have.

One thing that I feel might help this is making all the text in line I don't know if wattpad has messed up the layout but the way the text kind of leaves the screen is weird and I'm not sure why it's done that. I would also perhaps change either disdainful or distasteful as the dis feels very repetitive.

But other than that it's a great start to the book and sets of the tone straight away.

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Glad to see I'm not the only writer that uses the word "cacophony". As far as the scene goes: I hate that character already. "Generations of unchallenged privilege" - that is exactly the kind of character I would like to see die a horrible death.

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I really really like this opening. Your descriptions were spot on, the pacing was strong, and she seems very intriguing. The only thing that got me was the formatting. It was very distracting.

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I like the use of language to describe actions and emotions. It engrossed me in the character and what they were up to in the neighbourhood, as well as what the character will do next. However, the formatting of the text could be improved upon. I think I understand what effect you were trying to go for, but this does not come across well. The change of text alignment should only be used when attempting to convey something or to evoke an emotion. In this case, it does not do that and makes it look disjointed. To improve this, for your writing, make sure to align it to the left.

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The storytelling is very good here, which is something I don't often see in brief excerpts. I don't know what's up with the formatting, but that's a bit off-putting; other than that, a few small nitpicks like the the end of the first paragraph. The placement of "with her" disrupts the natural flow of the sentence. Typically, unless there's a specific reason to change it, the direct object of the verb should come immediately after the verb, which would make it "She dragged a black leather bag out with her" or you could simply remove "with her" to clean it up.

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