"Why are you staying with me?" I ask Clarisse as she gives me my lunch. She isn't related to me, she's never met me before and can't even help me remember, but she's next to me like a mother should be. "Don't you have places to go?"

"I do, but I feel responsible for you and I can't just leave you without anyone to look after you. Being in a hospital is sad enough, let's not make it worse by leaving you all alone, shall we?" Her smile is kind and honest, even if her attitude is out of pity, it doesn't make me feel bad. On the contrary, I'm quite grateful for her presence. It would be very lonely indeed if she weren't with me.

"What happens to the place where you need to be?" I continue making inquiries. Despite my gratitude, I don't want to be a bother for her.

"I might look old, but I do know how to use a mobile phone." Cue to her words, she takes out of her purse a touchscreen mobile phone that she waves in front of me, her smile wicked and really amused at the same time. "I can keep an eye on all of them from here, and I have very reliable people working with me."

"Where do you work?"

"I'm the director of an orphanage. It's called the Dream House and we have just a few kids, which is good, of course."

"Orphanage..." I muse, the word being so familiar to me for some reason.

My head hurts a bit, as if it was overheating because the engines are working too hard to make sense out of these rootless feelings. I know orphanages are familiar to me, but I don't know why. Could it be that I belong to some? Or belonged to at some point? Maybe I'm an orphan, without anyone who would miss me if I disappear. Maybe I'm just like one of the kids Clarisse looks after in the Dream House.

"That's nice," I continue, pushing that thought aside because it doesn't feel quite right. That's guessing, not remembering. "How many kids do you have in the Dream House?"

"We have seven little kids and three teenagers that will be leaving us soon. They are eighteen already and finishing college. Our kids leave when they enter university or start working," Clarisse explains, her eyes looking fond as she thinks of them. I see actual love and care, which makes me trust this woman immediately. "The youngest is one year old. I know it's always heartbreaking that kids need to be in a orphanage, but in the Dream House we try our best to make a good home for them."

"That's wonderful. That's a place I'd like to sponsor..."

I confuse myself with my words that come out before I can even think of what I'm saying, they don't even make sense to me but they are automatic and feel natural. It's as if this is something I would normally say and it makes think of the type of person I am. Am I the altruist type that goes helping around? Do I do this normally or have I been looking for a cause to support?

The headache grows stronger as I try to understand better, calling for memories that will answer the questions and make sense to me, but these still refuse to come back.

"When you're back at home maybe you can come visit us and help. It's a really nice place and as we live in a very countryside area, we have our own little farm, which is lovely for the kids. They love chasing pigs." Clarisse laughs at the memory, shaking her head ever so lightly. "Vincent loves getting in the mud with them, which is really inconvenient for us."

"That sounds like fun. The closest I've been to a living animal is a dog..."

Clarisse's expression is as surprised as mine when I say that, which once again is an unconscious act, the words escaping me without me noticing. I don't even remember that, in my head there isn't any memory of any animal because it's all blank, but for some reason I know it's right, I'm not lying or anything.

"See? The memories are still there and they are coming to you. Don't worry, love. You'll remember really soon."

"I hope so," I mumble, casting my eyes in the opposite direction from Clarisse, outside the window to the landscape. "I hate this feeling of not knowing myself."

"Oh, love. Don't worry, you'll get your memories back and it'll be all right. It's probably a horrible thing what happened to you and no one can blame you for blocking that out. Remembering takes a lot of courage."

"I'm ready to remember, I'm not afraid!" I protest, almost desperately, and her eyes look at me pitifully, worried because I'm losing my cool and last time it happened I was knocked down with sedatives.

"You say that, but your brain is wiser than you and knows better, even if your conscience is not aware of it yet. Give it time, you'll remember."

I take a deep sigh, feeling my stomach revolting, so I refuse to keep eating. I'm in a bad mood and food doesn't sound appealing. I sink further in the sheets, trying to disappear so Clarisse understands I don't want to eat or talk anymore.

Without a word, she does and quietly takes the tray, leaving the room before turning on the telly for me. I ignore whatever is there, blocking every sound and working hard to remember. I desperately call for memories of my past, my infancy, my parents, my home; I ought to have those. I mentally scream for them, but it's as empty as it's been since I woke up. Yet I keep trying and trying until my head is spinning and hurting so badly I can barely open my eyes without these burning, both because it's too bright and because I'm too frustrated by not knowing.

I give up at some point, when I can't take the effort anymore and my head begs me for a break. only then I sneak out from under the sheets to peer outside and notice hours have passed, outside the window the clouds are tinted by the sunset, the wind lovingly rocking the leaves in the trees.

I remember another bright sunset, burning in red and orange, small tints of pink that made the sky look like it has caught in fire. My hand is small and is trapped in a bigger one that holds me tightly. I look up to find a man, old with greying hair and receding entries that threat with making him bald, brown eyes cornered with wrinkles that speak of laughter and love. I know I love and respect him, this man that means the world to me.

He then turns to look at me with a loving smile, squeezing my little hand a bit more. "Ready to go home, my princess?" he asks, the smile still on his lips, accent thick and unmistakable.

"Yes, papá," I answer in my memory, putting a face to the man who now I know is my father.

The memory ends there, and it leaves me exhausted, but also so relieved for I remember my father's face. It's comforting having him with me now, his smile and deep voice that is so familiar. The memory feels like warm arms around me that give me strength to keep doing this.

"Papá, are you looking for me?" I ask out loud, leaning back against the pillows and staring ahead.

The telly catches my attention, distracting me from my thoughts about my father. It's a film that is beginning, names are still showing up, the director, producer, actors and more and a title. The scene then is a woman driving in her car on the motorway before rocks and debris start falling from he hills, making her lose control of the car, falling down in a dramatic and horrifying scene. I scream with her through the fall, holding desperately on to the sheets, breathing hard as the woman and her car disappear in front of my eyes and I'm trapped in my own memory.

I remember the empty car and the realisation something was wrong.

I remember looking around for someone, a man that had to be with me.

I remember falling downhill, the car stumbling down and my screams for help, trying to hold on to whatever was close, protecting myself.

I remember the pain and fear, paralysing horror as my whole life flashed before my eyes, knowing I was going to die.

I remember still being conscious when the car finally stopped and I was trapped. My head now remembers how I knew I had to escape before the car caught in flames.

I remember it all as I keep screaming and tears falling down my face, my limbs shaking with horror and fear, the pain as vivid as it was during the accident. I can barely breath as I keep reliving it in my head the fear and cold realisation it was the end but how my body kept fighting, trying to get me out of the hell I was trapped in. My hands hurt as I recall how I crawled my way up, begging someone would help me... anyone.

"Oh God," I breathe out, starting to hyperventilate when someone rushes inside, worried expressions and desperation written on their faces. It's the nurse and Clarisse, who hurry to my side.

The nurse checks everything around me while Clarisse tries to calm me down, wiping away my tears and hushing me, but I keep crying, I keep trembling.

"I remember..." I mutter, looking at Clarisse with wild eyes. "I remember the accident." I can barely keep her on focus, everything is blurry with all the tears I keep in my eyes, but I try to blink them away as I hold to Clarisse's forearm desperately. "I remember what happened."

The nurse, upon hearing this, makes me turn to face her. "Stay calm. I'll bring the doctor immediately. It's all gone now, Miss Blanca. You survived and are safe now."

I can't utter a reply before she's leaving and I can turn to Clarisse again. With the accident unlocked, I remember everything else, from who I am to the last minute before I got run over by a car after escaping the accident zone. I know how I am, I know why I was in the car and I know Dean wasn't with me when he should've been.

"Your mobile... lend me your mobile, please!" I urge Clarisse, my hands still trembling.

She's shocked and confused, but she still hands me the gadget and I immediately swipe my finger to unlock it, looking for the browser icon to find the confirmation I need. I type my name, immediately finding articles about the accident.

"An attack? I was a target of revenge?" I mutter out loud, barely feeling relieved with the knowledge Dean is still alive. However, it doesn't feel right. What the news article is saying sounds odd and not plausible. Why would activists attack me? What would they earn with that? With going against everything they believe in? They want the world to be better, to save everyone, not to slaughter people.

What if they only meant to scare me? I wonder in my mind. Maybe they didn't intend things to go to this extent, maybe it was really an accident.

My head starts hurting again, trying to figure out why I feel like they are telling me lies.

"Love, are you okay? The doctor is on her way," Clarisse reminds me and only then I look up from the gadget.

"I need to make a call," I say, one name and number clear in my head. The only number I recall and the only person I know is desperately waiting for me.

❅ ❅ ❅

Firstly, I'm sorry for disappearing like that. The reason why I didn't update last Friday was because I had my graduation ceremony and birthday and I was just too busy to open my laptop. Then on Sunday that very laptop got stolen so you can understand it's been quite shitty for me after that and I didn't even have a way to update. I hope you can understand and didn't forget about this story.

Let's hope all goes back to normal now.

Dedication to 

Bel, xx

~updates every Friday~