heywhatsupyouguysyes
Italics = memories as always
Bold = song lyrics (bcos this is a fic inspired by a song k?)

I can see in your eyes that you mean it
I can feel in your arms that it's true
And though I just heard myself say it,
Baby, I'm lying to you
Baby, I'm lying to you

The silence that followed Nathan's declaration was almost as loud as the deafening voice inside Kurt's head, telling him to 'RUN'.

But somehow a second voice came into the picture and suddenly Kurt was speaking. He could tell Nathan was listening intently, judging by the way he stepped a fraction closer and never allowed his eyes to drift away from Kurt's. Although, Kurt wasn't entirely sure he knew what Nathan was listening to because he had no clue what he was talking about.

By some unknown force, Kurt had been speaking without really thinking and that was a first for him.

"- it's just dangerous, and it's stupid, and you're just being delusional and a little bit naïve, if we're being honest here, which is not what I would have expected from you, judging from your history and everything you've told me so far but-"

"-Kurt." Nathan snapped, and that seemed to finally stop Kurt's incessant, uncontrollable rambling, "I do. I do love-"

Kurt raised a finger, "See, that's where you're wrong-"

"Kurt!" Nathan yelled, "Just shut up... please. I don't care if you don't believe me or if you- you don't feel the same way or something. But I just wanted to tell you because I've been trying to hide it for a while and I just wanted to-"

"You can't love me, though." Kurt frowned.

"What do you mean I can't?"

"You just-" Kurt shook his head, only just finding the courage to look up into Nathan's crystal clear amber eyes, full of a soulful understanding that was sure to melt anyone's walls to the ground, "You just can't, okay?"

Kurt hated the way his voice broke as he whispered the last of his sentence. He hated the way it made him feel - and sound - vulnerable and weak. That was Nathan's role. Nathan got emotional, Nathan cried, Nathan screamed, and Kurt calmed him down. Clearly Nathan had noticed the change in dynamics too because suddenly his own frown fell from his face and softened into an expression full of pity that Kurt wanted to erase from his memory.

After a tired sigh, Nathan spoke again- slowly, in a way that made Kurt feel like a child, "Kurt, I'm sorry but I-"

Kurt simply rolled his eyes, sat down on the closest armchair with less grace than he would have liked and let his head drop backwards so it rested again the back of the chair.

He raised his glass of wine to his lips and prepared himself for a long night, raising his eyes to watch Nathan gesture in a way the man probably thought was soothing.

All of these years you've been lonely,
And knowing not what you should do
And though you are right, I've been looking as well
Babe, I'm not looking for you
Babe, I'm not looking for you

Later that night, Kurt lay on top of his bed, Nathan asleep next to him, curled up so his legs tucked under his chin and his head rested on Kurt's lap.

The man was shivering and the thought of getting the blanket they had hastily discarded to the floor in their rush to the bed flickered across Kurt's mind for the second time.

Instead, Kurt remained still, his eyes staring unblinking at the plain ceiling which appeared grey in the dark. Funny how light works, Kurt thought, in the light everything was so clear and colourful, yet in the dark the world seemed to fall into a restless shade of grey. And no one truly seemed to appreciate the sights and the warmth that light brought, not without first knowing the darkness.

Kurt rolled onto his side, Nathan's head rolling off of his lap. Kurt's eyes flickered shut and he thought back to how this had all started.

"Hi, I'm Nathan! You must be Kurt."

"I guess I must be." Kurt nodded, smiling at Nathan's polite chuckle.

"I've never been on a blind date before," Nathan whispered once he had sat down in the chair opposite Kurt, "have you?

Kurt nodded, "I've been on a lot."

"Dani tells me you've been looking for the right guy." Nathan smiled supportively and Kurt reckoned the man must be quite terrible in bed because surely he couldn't be as perfect as he seemed.

"That's what she tells me too." Kurt deflected, scolding himself on his inability to prevent a smile from spreading across his lips at Nathan's laugh.

I'm just as damn disappointed as you,
Only I just do better to hide it
And the one thing that keeps me from falling for you,
Is I'm truly alone and I like it
I'm truly alone and I like it

"It's just a couch, Nathan!" Kurt yelled, throwing his arms out on either side and exhaling slowly.

Nathan narrowed his eyes and took a step forward, "It's not just a couch, though, is it?"

"What on earth are you talking about." Kurt groaned at the man's tendency to put meaning to everything.

"Well," Nathan cleared his throat and Kurt prepared himself for a long, breathless sentence to come rushing out of the man's mouth, "first it was the coffee table, then it was the lamp, now it's the sofa. Who's to say you won't want to change house as well."

"I am not going to change house." Kurt pinched the bridge of his nose, "It's just a couch-"

"So you keep saying. But do I hear any other valid point coming from you? No, I didn't think s-"

"Don't get all high and mighty with me, Bentz-"

"Oh we're using last names, now, are we?" Nathan's voice reached a whole new volume and Kurt prepared himself for a whole 5 minutes of his life wasted apologising to the nosy old woman living next door for the noise they make, "Well, if you want to change the couch that I picked out then by all means; change away, Anderson."

Kurt turned around so his back was facing Nathan and shut his eyes, bringing two hands up to rub at his eyelids as if he could physically wipe away the image of the man behind him practically spitting out the name he'd been using as if it was his own for so long.

"My last name's Hummel, actually." Kurt muttered, his voice almost a whisper compared to Nathan's previous shout.

Kurt could almost feel the confusion in Nathan's eyes as the man watched him walk away.

As we lie in bed, I feel lonely
Though we're young, I feel eighty years old
And your arms around me are keeping me warm
But baby, I'm still feeling cold
Baby, I'm still feeling cold

Kurt crept under the covers of their shared bed at precisely 3:56am and although he knew Nathan well enough to be able to tell that the man was asleep, he was still unexpectedly enveloped by two arms as Nathan moved in to hold him in such a practised routine that Kurt almost wanted to scream.

He didn't though. Instead he snuggled back into the embrace, only the rustle of fabric breaking the silence filling the room and Kurt felt warm.

Well, his skin felt warm. The hairs prickling up along his arms fell down and Kurt could feel the comforting sensation of heat running through his blood. But the heat never seemed to reach his heart and Kurt noticed with a startling realisation that he hadn't felt warm in a long time.

Not in the same way that he had when strong, safe arms embraced him from behind and pulled him against a chest which twisted and curved to fit against his back like they were two matching puzzle pieces. It'd been years since he'd felt the feeling of warmth growing deep down inside in his chest and spreading throughout his whole being until every inch of his body was humming with delight and safety and love and... freedom.

And, girl, you must know you are lovely
You're kind and you're beautiful, too
And I feel in some way I do love you
But babe, I'm not in love with you
But babe, I'm not in love with you

"Have I done something wrong?" Nathan muttered one night when Kurt was settled at the foot of the bed, magazines and books and drawings piled up around him, a pair of reading glasses perched upon his nose and his hair messed up in every way possible.

Kurt glanced up at Nathan who was sat with his laptop on his legs, his own hair falling down to frame his deep, soul-searching amber eyes. Those eyes Kurt couldn't lie to.

"What makes you say that? If you're obsessing over the thought that you've done something wrong then the likelihood is that you have." Kurt nodded wisely, looking back down at his book and sketching a few light lines with his pencil, assuming Nathan would leave it at that.

"You seem far away."

Kurt sighed, took off his glasses and placed them neatly down on his book, "Far away?"

"Distant." Nathan clarified, never once allowing his eyes to falter under Kurt's gaze.

"How so?"

Nathan sighed too and he almost seemed to replicate Kurt's previous moves as he settled his laptop down next to him with the same tiredness, "Do you not want me anymore?"

"Do I not want- what on Earth are you talking about? We literally just got done fuc-"

"No, not that." Nathan cleared his throat and Kurt was pleased to see a slight pink tinge rise upon the man's cheeks, "I mean, well-"

"Nathan." Kurt interrupted and the man lifted his head to meet Kurt's eyes, "Just say what you need to say."

They both stared into each other's eyes for longer than was normal until Nathan finally nodded slowly and looked down at his fingers which had started to nervously pick at the hem of his pyjama pants.

"Do you- do you love me?"

Kurt's breath caught and the voice inside his head which screamed 'RUN' returned but before he could make a decision, Nathan had continued.

"Because I lo- well, you know how I feel about you but you- you never said it back and you never really want me to say it." Nathan brought his hand up to rub at the side of his face, rushing to fill the silence again when Kurt still hadn't answered, "And- and even when I say it you get sort of, like, nervous and start talking about how I can't love you, which doesn't even make any sense bu-"

"I can't love you back." Kurt snapped and he realised all too late that he'd said too much because suddenly Nathan was looking at him as if he'd just told him he was dying.

"You're seeing someone else?" Nathan sniffled and Kurt really didn't want to deal with a crying Nathan at that moment, "I knew it-"

"Hold on." Kurt held a hand up, "You knew it? Nate, if you thought I was cheating you could've- you should've said something."

"Why?" Nathan growled, "So you could be more prepared to hide it?"

"What?" Kurt yelled, "I'm not cheating! I don't- I would never."

Nathan studied his expression for a while and Kurt was just beginning to feel uncomfortable when Nathan nodded, apparently choosing to believe him.

It may seem strange that I still stay with you,
If it's true you're not really the one
And why don't I just keep on looking for her?

They didn't speak of the conversation again until two days later when they were sat together at the dinner table, eating in comfortable silence.

"Why are you still here?" Nathan asked, causing Kurt to freeze, his hand half way to his mouth with a forkful of food and his mouth wide open in preparation for the food.

Before answering, Kurt resumed his actions and chewed on his food with a thoughtful expression while inside he was panicking.

Finally, he swallowed very slowly and picked up his glass of water which he also drank very slowly and then he answered, "By 'here', where do you mean?"

Nathan rolled his eyes, "I mean; why are you still with me? Living with me. When you can't love me? Which still makes no sense, by the way but I guess I'll just-"

Kurt sighed, shaking his head, "You're right, I'm so sorry. I can't do this to you anymore. I'll pack up my stuff and-"

"What? No! You can't go, I just- I just wanted to know why- oh god, please don't leave me." Nathan begged, his eyes watering.

"No, it's only- I shouldn't be here." Kurt placed his knife and fork back down on his plate and leaned forward, "Look, I cant love you because I love someone else."

"You said you weren't cheating." Nathan said flatly.

"I'm not cheating."

"Bullshit." Nathan whispered and Kurt straightened his back up quickly. Nathan never swore.

Kurt sat back for a while and watched Nathan with a calculating look until he came to the final conclusion that the only way to help Nathan was to hurt him.

"I should go."

"No you shouldn't." Nathan argued.

Kurt stood up anyway, "How can I stay if you keep saying I'm cheating?"

"Well, are you?" Nathan asked, standing up as well.

"Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that I don't love you. I never have and I never will, okay?" Kurt yelled and his inner voice congratulated him on his ability to let the boy down nicely, "Your whole love-sick puppy act? Yeah, it's getting tiring, Nathan. It was cute at first but now it's just exhausting. Stop telling everyone that we're just so happy together-"

Kurt was cut short by Nathan's hand coming to slap him hard against his cheek. Kurt reeled back instantly, raising a hand to his cheek which was stinging.

Throwing a hand up in the air, Kurt walked away with his middle finger held high. He knew it was childish but he was just slapped. What else did he have left? So, he kept his finger up all the way until he reached the front door where he called out joyfully; "bye, honey!" before slamming the door shut behind him.

Cause I found her, but now she is gone
Cause I found her, but now she is gone
Cause I found her, but now she is gone
Cause once I found her, but now she is gone

Walking the streets in the dark was a lot less fun alone... and sober. He found himself longing to be back in bed with Nathan before he realised he wanted to be back in bed with someone else.

Someone he couldn't have. He reached a wall that came up to the tops of his calves and he sat down on it, grumbling to himself when he realised just how rough the wall was.

He tossed his head back and stared up at the pitch black sky with not one star to be seen. Oh, the joys of living in the city.

"This is what we're missing, Kurt! When I'm older, I'm just- I'm just going to come here and I'm going to live here and I'm going to- I'm- hey, stop laughing! I will, fuck, I'll be homeless if I have to! I'll just- I'll do it."

"You're drunk." Kurt laughed, throwing an arm over the shorter boy's shoulders.

"Only enough to see the world as it should be seen!" The boy replied.

Kurt turned his head to the side and took in the boy beside him as he stared up at the stars. Gelled down raven hair with a few tell-tale hints of unruly curls, warm, rich amber eyes. The boy turned to face him suddenly and Kurt's breath caught in his throat as he realised just how close they were.

"I love you, Kurt Elizabeth Hummel." The boy whispered, as if it was a secret only the two of them were privy to.

"I love you even more, Blaine Devon Anderson." Kurt whispered back and was greeted by a toothy grin stretching across his boyfriend's lips.

The grin was quickly replaced by an over dramatic gasp as Blaine placed a hand against his chest, "Impossible! For I am the one who loves you the most."

Kurt giggled loudly, pulling his arm off of Blaine's shoulder to step impossibly closer to the boy. He dropped his smile and feigned seriousness as he tilted his head so his lips brushed against the top of Blaine's ear and he whispered, "You're so gay."

The loud, free and completely unconfined laugh that spilled out of his boyfriend's lips was worth every amount of effort Kurt had put into containing his own smile.

Kurt shook his head to clear the memory. He could really do without being caught crying alone in dark alleyways.

He pushed himself up off the wall and continued to walk along the street, only stopping when he spotted a loud group of people laughing and pushing each other around. It was originally their noise that caught his attention but it was their happiness and their familiarity that held it.

He realised all too late that the group was his old high school friends. He would have liked to avoid them but he'd been staring for far too long to be considered normal and suddenly a short brunette who was unmistakably Rachel Berry spotted him.

She squealed so loud Kurt could hear it from the opposite side of the road and then the woman was looking up and down the road before running across it and jumping into Kurt's arms, where he had no choice but to reciprocate the forceful hug.

Before Kurt could wriggle free and excuse himself, the rest of the group had followed Rachel and were chattering excitedly about how much they'd missed Kurt, and where had he been hiding?

"It's so lucky that I spotted you!" Rachel grinned proudly, "Imagine if I hadn't? We all would've missed out on reuniting. I'm not surprised though; I do have a knack for these kind of things. I'm very good at spotting things other people wouldn't. I'm very observant like th-"

"I see you haven't changed at all." Kurt raised an eyebrow, smirking when Rachel gaped at him as if he'd just done the most downright appalling thing she'd ever seen, "Still as annoying and big-headed as always, I see."

Kurt was left to smile amusedly for a while and he was just getting his hopes up that the group would leave him alone when they all simultaneously burst into a loud roar of laughter.

Smile dropping from his face, Kurt scowled at the group who failed to notice his disappointment in their hurry to tease Rachel.

Eventually the laughter died down and they all turned to stare at Kurt again, as if waiting for him to say something else that would offend Rachel.

"What're you guys all doing here together?" He asked instead.

"Glee club reunion." A man - was that Puck? - grinned.

Kurt was just about to let his stubbornness take over and pretend to be hurt by the fact that they hadn't invited him when Rachel spoke up again.

"We wanted to invite you but no one had your number or any way of contacting you."

"You literally disappeared, Kurt. We even searched you on the internet and there was literally nothing. We thought you'd have been some famous fashion designer by now." A woman who was undoubtedly Mercedes sighed. If there was one person Kurt missed from his high school days; it was Mercedes.

"Well, turns out that dreams don't come true, I guess." Kurt chuckled sourly.

"What the hell, man?" A blonde man exploded, "What happened to you? You used to be the biggest, like, dreamer out of all of us. I thought if anyone was going to make it; it'd be you and now-"

"I'm sorry to interrupt but I literally cannot, for the life of me, remember your name and it's incredibly distracting. Who are you, again?" Kurt's poker expression was only on the outside because on the inside he was swelling with pride at his ability to make a big group of people stare, wide eyed, at him.

Eventually the blonde cleared his voice and opened his mouth as if to speak- but instead Rachel interrupted again.

"You are being very rude right now, Kurt. I expected so much more from you and-"

"Oh don't act as if you actually know me." Kurt scoffed, "Everyone changes after high school. I just so happened to change a lot. Besides; high school is something I'd rather forget and here you all are; forcing me to relive it."

"What the hell happened to you?" Puck spoke, frowning and staring at him, as if he was reading a very confusing book that he wanted answers from.

"I grew up." Kurt shrugged.

"That's a lie, and you know it." Mercedes spoke again, "Look, I know what happened with Blaine affected you a lot more than other people but-"

"Don't say that name." Kurt growled, watching Mercedes' expression flicker with false understanding.

"Just as I thought; you still haven't moved on."

"Of course I've moved on!" Kurt yelled, "I'm living with another man who-"

"You're gay?" Puck yelled even louder than Kurt and he shut his eyes tight before opening them wide to stare at Puck.

"Yes, I'm fucking gay. Are you blind?" Kurt deadpanned, still frowning at Puck.

"Anyway." Mercedes intervened, "Just because you're living with some guy, doesn't mean that-"

"Nathan isn't just some guy. And anyway; you don't know me now. You can't lecture me. Especially not on things that have happened in the past."

"Wait, who's Blaine again?" The blonde asked, "Oh, was he that guy who died in, like-"

Kurt swallowed a couple times, trying to keep his tears at bay. He hadn't cried about this for a long time and he wasn't going to start now, especially not in front of his old high school friends.

Instead, he turned on his heel and began walking briskly down the road, rolling his eyes when he heard the conversation continue behind him.

"Blaine was Kurt's boyfriend, you idiot!"

"Kurt had a boyfriend in high school? What on Earth is going on-"

Kurt turned the corner and he could no longer hear the conversation. Not that he'd be able to hear much else anyway, not over the sound of blood rushing in his ears and his heart pounding so loud Kurt was sure his whole body was about to shatter under its weight.

He lifted his shaking hands up to wrap this coat further around himself, shutting his eyes at the overwhelming dizziness that he felt and tried to ignore the tingling in his feet every time they hit the ground.

Opening his eyes was a bad idea because suddenly the world seemed to be spinning and that did nothing to help his dizziness which was slowly but surely taking over his ability to think. Suddenly he was crying, sobbing, choking on the bile that rose to the top of his throat and then he was running, not bothering to check for any cars coming as he sprinted across the road.

He heard the faint noise of a car honking its horn and Kurt turned his head to watch it drive past him, only just missing him by an inch. He turned his head to the sky and he seemed to move in slow motion as he squeezed his eyes shut and felt the volume of the world cave in around him, lifting his arms out on either side, listening to the echoes of memories around his head intertwine with the faint sounds of the life bustling around him.

And then the echoes fell silent and the world ceased to exist. The noise was replaced by a continuous screaming beep in his left ear as the right side of his face was forced down to the road and his leg, his arm, the whole left side of his body suddenly lit alight with a searing pain so unbearably unbearable that he could do nothing more than squeeze his eyes closed and hope for it all to vanish.

Well
Idk
What
This
Was

And I said I wasn't going to write anything but here I am:
Writing something

Idk. I'm just very fucking obsessed with the song (Lying To You by Keaton Henson) and I wanted to write a fic about it and then I just.. did.

So
This is probably the longest one shot and also the saddest one shot in this book and I apologise profusely but if you want to keep being sad then go search Keaton Henson because his songs are just the perfect thing to blast in your ears at full volume whilst staring at your roof with a blank face as if you're in a depressing music video.

Also if you want to keep being sad then watch Glass Castle unless you've already watched it which in that case don't watch it because i feel like in that film you shouldn't know what's going to happen and if you've already watched it then you know what's going to happen. (It also has Woody Harrelson which is a fucking bonus because that man is the love of my life)

Anyway. I've just had a very sad day (music and movie wise) so I wrote this. Also, we're back at it with the long author's notes; who missed moi :')