saudade
(n.)
a deep, nostalgic, and melancholic longing for something and/or someone often accompanied by the denied fact that what one wants will never come back

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"i could keep you safe. they are all afraid of me."

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Natalia checked her holsters to make sure all her weapons were in place and at the ready. When she was positive that they were, she disappeared into the dark, as James had taught her. This meant that he had surely done the same. Unless he was waiting on her to kill her.

She let her leg muscles contract as tight as she could muster, then sprung up to the tree branch above her. She decided it would be better to attack from above. It would be better that way.

The cold, dry air reminded her of Moscow. Her home. The smell of the dirt and pines, however, sent her mind in a different direction. It hadn't even snowed in the area yet. She found herself missing the snow many times.

Natalia silent crawled over the branches and under vines, going tree to tree, just as a spider would. Funny, since she was known as the Black Widow. She had to hurry and kill the Winter Soldier before he could get to Howard and te Super Soldier Serum.

Then her mind came to a complete halt. Kill him? It was the unspoken truth that that was the only way to get her job done. But she hadn't thought of it. Could she really kill James? Her eyes grew wide and sweat began to appear on the back of her neck.

She went from tree to tree until she was finally there. She spotted his bike. And so much to her surprise, he was there too, leaning against his motorcycle, his metal arm propped up on his abdomen as he quietly traced the manufacturing lines in his titanium arm.

He was so precious. So mistreated. But he was dangerous. Unstable. And it wasn't even his fault. He was an evil thing against his own will. Natalia looked him up and down. He hadn't changed much since the 50's. He had aged as much as she had. Maybe only a year or two. He wore a new suit. No scratches or holes. His boots had no scuffs. But the suit was different. It reminded her of a straight jacket.

His holsters were different too. At one time, they lay across his chest diagonally. Now, only one was strapped across his chest like chains. And over his face, he wore a black mask molded perfectly to his fine face. Natalia didn't see a reason to put a mask over the lower half of he face. Howard would recognize him by his eyes.

It was a muzzle, Natalia realized. The Black tinted goggles he wore: those were to protect his identity. She continued to study her former lover. His hair was longer and bit unhealthier. He was smaller too. Slightly malnourished. But she knew that he was no less dangerous.

She remembered the day she met him. The way they took to each other immediately. How much he suffered. How he understood her. She could feel him embrace again. She could taste his lips. She could feel him move inside her. Feel his love and support. His constant concern for her welfare.

She pulled out her pistol with a deafening silence. She felt her heart beating in her ear. Sweat running down her back. Eyes brimming with tears. She wasn't sure she could do it.

The higher she held her gun at the man before her, the more memories flashed before her eyes. Everything her taught her. When they danced. When they talked about anything for hours on end. The few hours of sleep that she had ever gotten while she was in Russia were when she laid with him. The only laughs she could remember were something he had said or done. The only smiles she ever expressed were because of him.

And he was sitting right there. Tied up in the invisible chains of Hydra. Waiting patiently for his target.

And tracing the lines on his arm. How soft was that. How soft was his sweet, shy demeanor. He was soft. How could she kill something so pure?

But he wasn't pure. He was hard. He was brutal. A killer. And she was too. It was simple. She was the good guy. He was the bad guy. And he had to die.

Her hand began to tremble. He taught her to aim. But she still loved him. He taught her to pull the trigger. But she still loved him. He taught her where the winning shot was. But she still loved him. He taught her to be an unforgiving assassin. But she still loved him.

Then she remembered, he taught he to never feel.

Love was a feeling. So was sadness. Nervousness. Anger. Longing. They were all feeling that were coursing through her mind.

But she was never to feel. She couldn't. She shook her head and took a deep breath. No more tears. No more trembling. No more hitches in her breath.

It was time to be a big girl. Time to be a woman. Time to make some real money. It was time to be the Black Widow.

She closed her eyes, her hand still shaking. Her fingers were locked. They wouldn't move.

She had to kill him. He would no longer be a threat to anyone. Hydra would lose their fist. He life would probably be easier down the road.

But she still loved him.

She had only one option: a count to three.

3...

2...

1...

And from the barrel of her pistol, a lone bullet exploded toward the Winter Soldier. Though it didn't even take a second, it felt like years, watching the round peice of metal cut through the air. The crack of the explosion was one that Natalia was quite familiar with. But it was never like this. This would was associated with the surefire death of the last person on earth that she loved.

She shuddered and let out a sob, covering her mouth with the palm of her hand. There he was. Crumpled to the ground like a limp potato sack.  But in the back of her mind, she couldn't believe it was so easy. But every else, she was screaming.

She killed the Winter Soldier. She killed James. She didn't care how far gone he was. She killed him. James had always been In there somewhere. And she killed him. She killed Bucky. Surely he was in there too. Though she killed a vile creature, the Winter Soldier; she still killed two people that were amazing: Bucky Barnes and James.

There he was. Sprawled our across the frosted grass like a beautiful disaster. She dropped down from the  tree next to her ex-lover. She ran her hand through her hair as the tears began to flow. She hadn't seen him in years upon years.

But it didn't take away from her love. It didn't take away everything they had experienced. She wanted to save him. But somewhere deep, she knew she couldn't. It would take something much more than her. And that something was unattainable. There was no saving him, she knew.

But she was already hating herself for giving up on him. She dropped to her knees and began rubbing his hair. That was when she noticed something strange. She aimed for his head. She did not miss.

And there was no blood.

Frantically, she turned him over to further inspect, pulling off his muzzle and goggles. No blood. No entrance would.

But his face was so beautiful. She reached to feel his pulse, but instead, his glistening metal arm raised from the ground, holding something up for her.

In between his two fingers, was a bullet. The bullet. He had caught it. Natalia's jaw dropped.

"Shit."

It dropped the bullet and exploded towards her, grasping her neck with extreme force. Natalia had to get out of this. She knew it was never going to be this easy.

He stood up, taking Natalia with him as she choked gagged. Natalia saw that his face was that of concentration and frustration. Otherwise, it was empty. There was no James. But maybe she could find it.

"James," she gagged. "James... this isn't... this isn't you."

He looked at her weirdly. She wasn't fighting. She was trying to talk to him. But no matter. The mission ordered no witness. The mission had to be finished. He squeezed harder. Maybe he'd break her neck and be done with it more quickly.

Natalia choked. He was strangling her. Her heart was throbbing in her head. The blood was trapped in her head. Her lips were numb. She could see spots in her vision. But she promised she would keep the Starks alive. Hydra could not have this super soldier serum.

So she played dirty.

She kneed him in the groin, causing him to groan in pain and loosen his grip enough to pull herself to the ground, sliding between his legs, pulling his arm with him, causing him to hit his head very hard on a tree root.

Natalia found herself gasping for breath, grabbing at her head as the blood rushed through her body, causing heavy dizziness. She was nearly about to pass out. But she couldn't. No way. she regained her stance just in time for the Winter Solider to recover.

He stood up to face her, blood dripping down his face. He threw a heavy punch at her, but she dodged it. She jumped up and spun into a kick to his abdomen, causing him to step back a bit, breathless. She took this opportunity to throw a punch at him.

But that was a mistake. He caught her punch with ease, punching her repeatedly with is right arm. Natalia attempted to smack away his arm no matter how badly the metal stung. It was all to no use.

The she remembered his weakness. It you take his shoulders out, he's worse off, easier to beat. She used his arms like a vine and swung around, wrapping her legs around his neck. He swung blindly at her thighs, trying to get her off.

Instead, she pulled her grapple out of her belt and wrapped it around his neck. But his hands had got under it. It was a no go.

He grabbed her by the ankles and powerdrived to the floor, banging Natalia's jaw on the same root he banged his nose on. It was broken. Natalia sceamed out in pain.

He stood up, not letting go of her ankles. Natalia couldn't recover in time. He picked her up and spun her around. Natalia was helpless. There was nothing to save her. He now had her life in her hands. Luckily, she always knew him as a man of mercy.

But that didn't mean she was going to win. He hit the tree directly with her head and immediately, she was out. There was nothing but black.

The Winter Soldier wiped the blood from his mouth and removed his gun from his belt, holding his gun over the head of the woman that he didn't know he loved.

But then he heard it. There was a car. The Soldier looked down the road and saw his target in the drivers seat. Killing the woman had to wait. He slipped the gun back into its holster and turned on his bike.

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