raspacious
(adj,)
aggressively or greedily grasping.

•••

"They took everything from me. They took the only three people I ever had the luxury of loving. They took my memories of them. They took my memories of happiness. Sadness. Of all feeling. And my freedom. That was the worst of it. They took my freedom."

•••

James's jaw dropped and began to vibrate in fear. "I-I—"

He had a sick feeling in his stomach that he knew what had happened. Madame B stepped to the side, revealing his Natalia forced opon her knees, head hanging, bruises everywhere, blood stained clothes, tear stained, blood caked, and sweaty. He knew he had done it. He looked down at his hands and saw immediate proof. His hand were absolutely drenched and caked in her blood.

His eyes grew wide in disbelief and his entire face contorted as he stared at his hands in horror.

"N-Natalia?" he asked aloud, eyes still fixated on the tragedy before him. A single tear streamed down his face. "I-I... I didn't—I can't..."

He was shattered. His mind was lost. And so was hers.

"James," she said, now fully crying. She didn't now what was about to happen. But she could let them hold this over him. "James they're tricking you!" she lied in a sob from across the room. "James don't believe it! They changed your memories!"

He tore his gaze from his hands and up at Natalia. His eyes were absolutely terrified. The most horrified she had ever seen them. His own body—his own mind has betrayed him and hurt the person he had sworn to protect.

"Natalia," he repeated, unknowing how to handle any of this. "Natalia, I'm sorry," he finally cried as the guards picked him up again and carried him towards the chair. "I'm sorry."

Natalia only cried harder. "James don't believe it!" she screamed, her voice cracking. The noise echoed off the walls. every inch of her body hurt, but she had to do something. Or it wouldn't be right.

They slammed James into the chair. "Natalia!" He cried. "Look at me!"

Natalia breathed in and looked at James in the eye.

"I gave you everything you need to get out of here! Forget about me and live."

They began to lock him tightly into restraints. "James!" she screamed, trying to wrench her arm away through the pain. "James."

"Promise me you will!" he begged, as his he was pushed violently on the metal headrest. "Promise me."

Natalia nodded, tears rolling down her cheek, not sure what was in store. He turned to Madame B in disgust. "How could you take something so beautiful, and drown it in red?"

Madame scoffed a his terrifyingly true metaphor. "Hardly a bad color."

"You're a good man, James!" Natalia called out hoarsely to him, knowing these may be her last words to James.

He was emotionless. He had given up. And so very brutally at that. He shook his head. "Not really, no. But your the only one who understands that."*

Finally, a mouthguard was shoved into his mouth as Zola pressed a button on a remote control panel, lowering the contraption over James's head. His eyes rolled as he slammed his head violently into the back of the contraption, allowing this to happen.

That's when the screaming began.

Natalia turned to Madame B, his cries embedded into her ears. "What are you doing to him?" she asked, her eyes swollen and red.

"We are fixing him, Darling," she answered. "He's quite used to it. You should watch and learn. You'll be taking his advice very soon."

Natalia shook her head in disagreement. "No. This can't happen. I love him. You can take him!"

"Love is for children, Natalia.* We took Alexi just as easily as were taking him," she said, motioning to James.

Not really, no. But you're the only one who understands that. Those were his last words. And they came from all of him. Not James. Not the Winter Soldier. Not Sergeant Bucky. It was all of him that said that. And Natalia didn't even know if she did understand that. She wasn't sure if she knew him any longer. He was so many different people. All these people locked away in the depths of his mind.

"Would you like to know who we sent to kill your darling husband?"

Natalia looked back up at her in curiosity. She knew that Russia had him killed. "Why would that information have anything to do with me?"

Madame B smiled. "Because it was the Winter Soldier that assassinated him."

Natalia looked up in surprise, but then realized: it doesn't matter. The Winter Soldier's kill list has nothing to do with her. It has nothing to do with James. Nothing to do with Bucky. Alexi is nothing but a past chapter in her life. And another victim of the Red Room. She had moved on. Now she just had to find a way to move on from this.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the mad screaming that erupted so violently form James's mouth.

She swung her head around in shock to see James screaming and convulsing in the cold, metal chair.

This is it. This is what they did to him. This it what took his memories. She had never seen anything so awful in her entire life. And to think: she was next.

Sweat dripped from his nose and chin. His voice grew weak and horse. Veins protruded from his neck and forehead. The strain was too great. It was too much. But soon enough, it ended. She could see the pain ended. But even that was a lot for a body to get used to.

His body convulsed and writhed wildly. Natalia had never even seen physical torture this bad on anyone. And she knew that wasn't the least of it. They were torturing his mind too. The contraption lifted from his head and the guards lifted him from the chair and began to carry him away.

Then the same was done with Natalia.

"You get to see this part too," Colonel Luchov said as they followed Zola and the guards who were dragged the half conscious Winter Soldier and a room where the threw him over a water drain. One of the white coated men then pulled out a fire house and sprayed James down for about three minutes. He could barely hold his head up.

"Cut his hair," ordered Zola to the white coated men.

"No," Natalia said hoarsely as she shook her head. "He like his hair like that. Give him that one."

Luchov looked to the soaked, broken shell of a man and back to Zola. "Give him that one," he sighed reluctantly.

"Yes, sir," Zola said, motioning for the gurds to pick him up and bring him to the next spot.

Now they were in an even stranger room with a giant capsule of sort in the center of the room where many tubes came out of it.

The doctor presses a button on the wall, causing the glass shell to raise.

"Put him in," Zola ordered. Natalia looked up to see them forcing James into the chamber. She was sure he didn't know where he was, what was going on, or even who he was. He looked so pained and vacant. It was disgusting really. Disgusting that a human being should be in this condition.

"You know," Madame B said to Natalia. "Bucky Barnes was born in '17. You wonder why he only looks... eh... 25 or so?"

Natalia didn't care anymore. She kep her head down and tried to ignore her pain.

"It's a cryochamber. We take him out whenever we need him so that we'll have him as long as possible. You were only a mission. His mission. You are trained. He goes back into cryosleep. Every night after he would train you, he would not sleep. Not when it wasn't direly necessary. And even then it would only a couple hours. He seemed to not like to sleep. Nightmare and such. You probably know. You will most likely never see him again. Not as you remember him, of course."

So that meant James—or Bucky Barnes apparently was 35 years old. Ten years older than he looked. And that meant—the woman. The woman that accompanied Howard Stark. Carter was her name. She knew that was Bucky Barnes. That's why she was so uneasy. Stark recognized him too. But it was unbelievable. They said he had died during World War Two. A war that end in '45. Almost seven years ago.

She knew he didn't sleep. She remembered how bad he would get throughout the years. He would never tell her about the nightmares, but she knew he had them. And Natalia also knew that this was his worst fear. This was what he had warned her about for years. This is what kept him up at night. This is what scared him out of this mind. Natalia getting the treatment he had gotten. He had always pushed for the Black Widow to be treated differently that the Winter Soldier. He was the sole reason she still knew her name. And she was so thankful.

He was an American Soldier who was loved by two very important people. And apparently Captain America. Carter had mentioned their friendship. What a life to have. Only to be dumped here. He was truly to good for this. Too good for her. He was too good for all this. She wished she could just give him back to his family and friends. But it wasn't possible. Their lives as who they were was gone. There was no getting it back. Maybe it would get better. But it would never be the way it was.

The glass began the close around him like a thirsting monster eating him alive . This life alone would eat the both of them alive. James didn't say a word of resistance as the capsule closed and compressed over him. Zola pushes a lever and the air in the capsule turned straight to ice, freezing him solid.

Natalia gasped in horror. She wasn't expecting that. "Y-you killed him? Why like that? Would it not have been more merciful to put a bullet in his head?"

Madame be shook her head. "Heavens no. I told you it's called cryosleep. It's the reason we know Captain America is still alive. He's frozen and his life is simply paused. No growth, no decay. No aging. It's like we are putting leftovers in the freezer so we can eat it later when we want or need it instead of leaving it out to rot."

"That's horrible," Natalia mumbled to herself.

"Your turn, Agent Romanova," Zola said, stepping down from the control panel platform. And going back to the room where they wiped James memory.

"Are you going to freeze me?" asked Natalia. Madame B. shook her head as she pushed her into the seat. There was no need in resisting. There is no resisting. There is no fighting this. It was impossible. She was going to blatantly ignore James request. Because that who she was. She was a killer. There was no getting over it. She was not going to escape. And now, she was certainly going to forget him.

"No," Madame B answered. "You age differently than the Super Soldiers. Your age very, very slowly. And your body would not be able to take cryosleep."

Natalia huffed and sat back into the seat as Madame B backed away.

The restraints were too big for her. And they were doubled on the left arm. This machine was obviously built solely for the Winter Soldier. But they worked.

The contraption lowered onto Natalia's head. Natalia could feel the energy surging, just waiting for the circuits to close so that it could change its course and enter its victim.

"How much, Madame B?" asked Zola, his hand hovering above the control panel.

"She needs to remember her training. The trouble she's got into. The Red Room. Her mission. Delete all the feelings she's experienced the past five years. Change the memories of the Soldier to where he is how we want him. Take out all the friendship and lover moments and leave only the training moments. The missions. She and the Winter Soldier never escaped."

"Yes ma'am," Zola agreed, typing in some number on a keyboard and pressing a couple buttons as Natalia looked upon them helplessly. "Ready?"

Luchov gave him and nod, then the doctor pulled a lever, turning the machine on.

Natalia could fell the horrible electric currents coursing through every nerve in her body. She didn't know if she was screaming. She didn't know if she was writhing and convulsing. All she knew was pain.

She could feel pins and needles pricking at her brain, going through, shifting and changing her memories. This was horrible. Even if she could think, she could find no words to describe the pain. It felt like it went on for hours.

She tried to hold on to her memories. But in the end, everything good of James she had ever known was gone. Even Yelena. She could no longer recollect a friendship with Yelena. All the sweet moments of paternal love from Ivan were gone.

She didn't remember the anger that let her win the title of Black Widow. She couldn't recover the sadness that paced her to join the program. She couldn't remember the love that proved it all wrong. She just remembered the she was the Black Widow. She remembered her training. She remembered her missions.

She remembered Red.

She was no longer who she was. She was now the Black Widow alone. The most dangerous woman in the world. The only one that will do anything you asked. she was finally everything she thought herself to be: a monster.

The did the same to her as the did to James. They sprayed her down with a hose until she was clean. Then she was given heavy anesthetics.

While Natalia was asleep, they fixed her hair, dying it back Red. Her red. The metaphor was now made literal. These people... they are so raspacipus. They've taking everything and are still searching and grasping. They've been painting her ever since she arrived to the Bolshoi. Now the final coat was added and she was ready.

They tended to her extensive injuries and dressed her in her Red Room training clothes, putting her to rest. When she awoke: it would be time.

*reference to one of the most special moments of James and Natalia's relationship in the comics

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