philophobia
(n.)
the fear of emotional attachment; the fear of being in or falling in love

•••

"After seeing the things I have seen, it is terrifying to face emotions. So much so that I have nearly blocked them out completely. Sadly, this long ago, I did not have this talent."

•••

"Today is the day the Winter Soldier will choose his partner for the Rookie Mission and beginning preparations. Therefore there will be no combat training at all today and the rest of the month of December," Madame B announced to the girls lined up single file in front of her. "Now for the Soldier to speak," she said stepping aside, James stepping forward.

"I have been observing you all for the entire year and a half in training. I do not want to take anyone who couldn't size up to the task. I have decided the woman worthy and skilled enough is Natalia Romanova."

Natalia honestly wasn't surprised. She was sure James was going to choose her. He had said over and over again that she was that only one who truly had what it took to be the Black Widow. She was excited to go on her first mission. Even though it was only a rookie mission (easily carried out), she couldn't wait to finally get a feel of her job. She was also excited to be with James away from the jurisdiction Colonel Luchkov and Doctor Zola.

"Good," said Madame, clasping her hands together. "It is decided. Romanova, follow the Soldier. Romanova's group of girls split up between Dominica and Darya's groups."

Natalia watched as James began to walk out of the training room and into the hallway. She followed him excitedly, happy to get away from Madame B.

"James," she whispered in attempt to slow him down in order to catch up.

He turned to a metal facilitated door and opened it quickly without a sound. An act that used to amaze Natalia. But now James isn't the only one who could saunter silently across gravel.

She followed him in and saw that it was simply a small facility room, a large table with various items laid out across it.

There were passports, IDs, clothes—from two black espionage suits to evening gown and tuxedo, and many different types of weapons.

"If you look up here, Nat, you'll see Soviet engineer, Dr. Anton Vanko," James said pointing at a cork board where a picture of a young man was posted.

"Is this assassination?" Natalia asked, a bit too excited. James picked up on it and chuckled.

"Don't get ahead of yourself. We are only going to escort him to the United Kingdom where he will collaborate with Weapons manufacturer Howard Stark. We will be there to make sure he doesn't get assassinated. Howard Stark is a bleeding American. The first billionaire in the world. He could pay any kind of money to have our engineer killed."

"Are we going to escort him as bodyguards or—"

"No. That would be begging for an assassination attempt. We are going as his brother and sister in law."

"Alright," she said thoughtfully, imagining the mission.

"Here are our IDs and passports. Albert and Calina Vanko," he said gesturing to the legal peices of paper. "We will meet in Moscow then take a train one way to London. The trip will be about three days. We will be there to ensure the safety of Vanko on the train. Our arrival in London should be on about December fifteenth. We will stick with Vanko when he meets Stark in the Calvary Barracks of London. 12 men will be provided at Calvary. They will all be disguised as staff members. Only we will follow him to his hotel. He will have to attend a gala in celebration of Christmas and the collaboration of great minds on the 25th. That will be our last night there and we will do just what we did at the beginning only in reverse," he debriefed, packing their personal items and clothes in one bags and all weapons and espionage equipment in the other.

"Sounds great," Natalia said, slightly disappointed at the easiness of their mission, but still thankful that they get to leave and do this.

"I am now going to show you how hidden weapons work," he said, quickly pushing a magazine into a handgun and releasing the hammer. "Let's get dressed."

Natalia and James shed their training clothes down to their base layers—black compressions. "Men and women's hidden holsters are different because of our different physiques. These will remain completely hidden under your nice dress and my tuxedo."

Natalia looked at all the weapons set out— grenades to tasers to the small shock discs to rifles— wondering how on earth they will all fit inconspicuously.

"Above our knees go two handguns and four knives," he said strapping black leather holders over the black compressions above his knee.

Natalia copied, her holsters a bit smaller. All that could be heard was the clicking of assembling the handguns and pushing them and their knives into their correct places.

"I can hide flat daggers in my ankle holsters because of the shoes I wear. You wear thinner socks and lower shoes. So your holster carries only shock discs," he said, holding up the small metal plate with the small blue circle in the center. Natalia took it from and and began loading her ankles holsters as he latched then to his feet then slipping on his socks then his shoes. Natalia did the same.

"I can carry two rifles, and two handguns due to my broad shoulders and pants. You can only carry two hand guns," James said wrapping a black leather belt over his shoulder and latching it to his pants belts. He did the same to the opposite shoulder. There were two rifle holsters that ran from either breast to under his arms and two handgun holsters at his waist.

Natalia's was sort of like a vest made only of two leather belts that met in the center of her chest. There were two hand gun holsters under her arms.

"And this will go just above my waist line," he said, taking out a thick belt that held extra magazines, ammunition, and small silver spheres that were the advanced Soviet grenades and latched it around his waist. "Yours will go right below your breasts."

She latched hers where it was supposed to go. "And when it's time, you can hide shock discs and knives in your hair," he said as he buttoned his crisp white shirt and tucked it into his pants.

"My hair?" she asked with a smile as she picked up the dress she was supposed to wear and began to pull it on.

He chuckled. "Yes, Natalia. Your hair. We need to be as equipped as possible. If I could hide things in my hair, I would."

Natalia smiled back, but suddenly dropped it, when a scared feeling crossed her mind. She had grown awful close to James. Too close for her liking. And she couldn't afford growing close to someone else. She had successfully not grown to close to Yelena. But James. James was different.

She could easily go on without Yelena. In fact, she was prepared to do what she had to to become the Black Widow... which meant either seeing the closest female friend she had made here die—or kill her.

James however. She didn't know if she could go through to program without him. He had become her lifeline—a grave mistake. She had to become self dependent if she was going to live this type of life.

Natalia couldn't help but associate whatever she has now with James with she and Alexi's relationship. Only stronger. That scared her. It scared the daylights out of her. The sudden fright made her silent for almost an entire minute.

"Nat?" asked James. "Natalia," he said trying to get her attention, placing his large metal hand on her bare arm.

She flinched back, her mind swimming frantically in her fears of her attachment and the possibility that it may grow into love.

He looked at her absolutely crestfallen. "What is it?" he asked doleful, as he pulled his arm back, looking at it carefully, scared he had displeased her. "Was it my arm, Nat? I thought you didn't mind."

"Please don't call me that," she stammered.

"O-Okay," he said dejectedly. "I'm sorry, Natalia."

"It wasn't your arm, James," she blurted. "We... We were getting too close. I realized it abruptly. I just can't let that happen."

They were silent for a minute, Natalia still frightened and James trying to comprehend what had happened.

"You were married weren't you?" he asked, looking down sadly.

And as the tears began to flow, she smiled slightly, trying to make them go away as she looked to ceiling, avoiding eye contact. That did enough talking for James.

"You loved him."

Involuntarily, her lips curled in, and her eyes blurred in tears. She blinked them away causing them to fall down her cheeks onto the floor. She nodded in response. But just hearing the slightest thing about Alexi brought up all her old emotions she had buried so deep.

This is exactly why she couldn't fall in love again. She knew she would lose him. And then she would have the weight of another lost love one atop her shoulders. Then her feelings would be to heavy to hide like she had been doing.

And only James could coax them out.

"I did," she cried. Then she rephrased. "I... do."

"And you're afraid to get hurt again," he understood.

She nodded, beginning to sob into her hands.

"We don't have to grow close," he assured, knowing it had already happened, carefully wrapping his hands around her wrists and removing them from her face. He placed two fingers under her chin and tilted er head to face him.

"It's too late for that," she said, her voice thick with sadness. "I just don't want to fall in love."

He looked around, shocked by the statement. Had that even have been a possibility? To love him? To grow close to him? Was it really possible that anyone could be in love with him. Not likely—at least in his mind. An had loving her even crossed his mind? No. He had never loved. Not that he could remember. Natalia was years too good for him. Besides. He was a weapon. How could he be romantically associated with such a profound woman.

But in Natalia's, it was an imminent threat.

"Trust me Natalia," he said sadly. "In the end, there is absolutely no possibility that you could ever love anything like me."

She moved her arms from his fists and interlaced her fingers in his. She saw the deep, dark sadness in his eyes. Eyes that had seen the worst. Eyes that showed he truly thought he was an awful monster.

She sniffled, taking a deep breath collecting yourself.

"Let's get back to what we were doing now," he said, stepping back to button up the back of her dress. When they were fully dressed they examined each other and pointed out where each weapon was hidden.

"It is important to know where your partner's weapons are in case of emergency," he said as they redressed in their training clothes. "You can go clean up and turn in with the rest of the girls. We will leave tomorrow."

"Have a good night, James." Natalia said as she left the room.

"Same as always," he said in an unusually depressed tone that shocked Natalia.

Natalia hurried to the lockers where all the other 12 girls who were left were cleaning up before bed.

Yelena found her almost immediately.

<You don't look so good, Natalia,> she said. Natalia rolled her eyes.

<Says the woman who got one of her braids cut off,> Natalia said smugly.

Yelena's eyes grew wide as she remembered that her left braid had been sliced off in combat.

<It doesn't matter,> Yelena said, chopping the other off. "A congratulations is in order for earning the Rookie mission. What's the Winter Soldier like alone?"

Natalia shrugged, readying herself to lie again. "He the same as he is around us."

Yelena raised her eyebrow. "You do see how he treats you differently, right. I'm not the only one that sees it. Right?"

She shrugged again. "I haven't noticed anything."

"Well... alright," she said suspiciously as their wrists were chained to the posts.

And as the other girls drifted asleep, Natalia only grew more and more worried about the imminent threat of love. Maybe if she could just skip out on this mission... no. This was her chance to show someone other than James how talented she was. She could not miss this. No matter how bad of a case of philophobia she had.

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