adronitis
(n.)
the frustration with how long it takes it takes to get to know somebody

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"The way am today—I can't help. With what I've been through—the people that have betrayed me—the people I have betrayed. Especially after Yelena, Headmaster Alonya, Ivan, and James. It is simply just incredibly hard to trust anyone."

•••

Madame B did not go very easy on her lesson. Natalia may have gone through 100 rounds before it was good enough for Madame B. And only then did she move on to the next caliber. She worked for hours until she moved on to work with the man who she had been dreading all day. The man who she a once though of as a father.

Going away from Madame B, she glanced over to the Soldier, who was waiting for another girl to step into the ring so that he could teach her. Natalia knew that he could see all angles. She when she looked at him, he knew he could see that, which justified him turning his head to face her, making quick eye contact with her and tilting his head to her; an encouraging nod. Nothing much out of the ordinary. Except for him it was.

She sent he a small smile back, nothing more than a simple tug at the corner of her lip, as she approached Ivan's workstation.

When she arrived, she looked to Ivan, expecting at least a small smile or a wave from him, but ultimately getting nothing. When he began to teach them all how various covert communication devices works called, he completely ignored Natalia as he spoke to to the general crowd, let alone showed her any special treatment.

"He was your handler, wasn't he?" Yelena communicated to Natalia over one of the devices they were learning to use.

Natalia knew her guard was still up and that Yelena only had known that because she had probably been told.

There was something about Yelena that she liked. She almost felt like she could trust her  some time in the near future. And with that thought, she answered back, "yes".

"Were you close?" she asked, not making eye contact with Natalia and pretending she was doing something else very convincingly, just as a good spy should do.

Natalia thought about how it naught be over this line to ask this, but she liked the friendliness of Yelena. She had the opportunity to have one last friend before she became the Black Widow.

"So close that I didn't join the program until I was fourteen."

"He is ignoring you, you know."

Natalia, keeping her head still, moved her eyes to glance at her once father.

"You think I don't know that?"

"Things like that make me furious. Treason. Betrayal. It disgusts me."

"In our line of work, that will be necessary."

"And you think I don't know that? It not something I'm exactly excited for."

"You know only one of us can be the Black Widow," pointed out Natalia.

"Could you do it? Could you let a person grow close to you, only to betray them in some of the worst ways possible?" Yelena asked, now actually looking at Natalia curiously.

"I would do anything for my home," was what she answered, not moving her head and inch, but slowing moving her eyes to where eyes met Yelena.

And it was then that both Natalia and Yelena knew that the latter girl would going to lose to the former. But neither of them mentioned it, not wanting to.

The Ivan appeared next to Natalia, which startled her. But she kept her calm, collected poker face that she had tried and succeeded to keep. That is, until the Winder Soldier had somehow coaxed her out of it.

Maybe Ivan was here to speak to her. To possibly restore her faith in people.

"You and Miss Balova seem to already be well accustomed to M-209 Cipher Box. Very complicated. Encryption and Decryption of codes. I am honestly surprised you can already have conversations using it. However, it is well known and used by spies in America. This will be how you know what they are saying," he informed, his usual smile is absent under his still strong mustache.

"Yes, Commander Petrovich. We are very appreciative of you teaching us," Yelena answered, standing up straight.

"Yes. You and Miss Romanova should move on to the next," he said coldly as he moved on to the next girls.

Natalia looked down at her Cipher Box where she was received another message from Yelena.

"I can't tell if you feel at all, but if you do, I want to let you know that I would feel betrayed. I've had my fair share of human betrayal in my life. In the end, they will always betray you like that. I promise you that. It honestly pays to never grow close."

"I agree. There is no one on this cold world that you can depend on."

And it went like this for hours, The girls learning various types of communication espionage equipment with handguns firing in the far background and the muffed grunts and hard punches from the sparring.

Soon after the dark came, Madame B. called an end to their day, ordering all the girls to the large locker room that was previously provided to them that morning.

Natalia looked confused to the Winter Soldier, who she thought she was staying with to train extra. It's not like she could disobey orders from the Madame. And just as she was walking out, the Soldier called her name out, harsher that usual, using her last name.

"Romanova!" he boomed. She stopped in he tracks, turning to face him. "Wait there."

She watched as he approached Madame B. "I need to teach Natalia Romanova after hours."

"Why?" asked Madame B. "Was her performance unsatisfactory?"

"No, Madame. She stays because she proved to be very capable."

The madame looked over to Natalia, her lips forming a thin line.

"I suppose I have no problem with it," she said. "But don't you have to report to Dr. Zola?"

Why would he have to report to Dr Zola? Can't he just go to his equivalent staying room to of all the trainers? Natalia had never been so confused by a person or the situations surrounding them.

Standing straight with his hands behind he back, he answered, "He will not mind. Training the Black Widow is my mission."

"We do not actually know who will be the Black Widow, Soldier," Madame B reminded.

"Do not kid yourself, Madame," the Winter Soldier said with a straight face. "She stands right there before us. Even the girls know. This program is an honest waste of time. Romanova is your Widow."

And barely after he finished his sentence, an incredibly forceful blow hit him across his face.

It didn't seem to hurt him and he certainly wasn't shocked.

"You have no right to speak to me like that! You are nothing more that a weapon. We are the man, you are the gun. You are here for your body. Certainly not your brain. Your mind is delusional, Asset. It has been programed only to do as you were told, not as you want. You are told to do a you are told and no less," she growled at him. "You can train Natalia for a maximum of 4 hours. But remember what I say. Don't let this get to your head, you dog."

"Yes, Madame."

Natalia was in disbelief of what she had just seen.

Madame B had just backhanded one of the strongest, most skilled, intimidating man she had ever seen and scolded him. And he took it as though he deserved it. He could snap her in half in less than second, yet she had the power over him.

And she had called him a weapon. A dog. A programmed mind. A delusional mind. Is any of it true? Is that who he is? And if that is who he is, then who was he? Was he a random citizen from Russia. Had he once been a war criminal and this was his punishment?

The questions raced through her head as Madame B. clicked her heels out the door and down the hallway to whatever she may do after hours,

"Natalia, come over and we'll start."

Natalia hurried over to where the Winter Soldier trained all the girls I the ring.

"Right now I'll teach you how to make the most damage with the way you will fight," the Soldier told her.

"And I will be using the acrobatic form, right?"

"Yes. This requires strong legs and an extreme level of flexibility and balance. And you have all of that. But you you have to understand the basic laws of gravity. Things like gravity, inertia, and momentum will come up a lot."

"I understand so far," she notified. Still thinking about what she had just witnessed. How he is acting as though nothing happened, even though his face had been red and hot with embarrassment. She almost caught herself worrying for him. And it was hard to hide her emotions in front of him, just as it was for him. She really hoped she wasn't as visibly worried for him as he seems embarrassed.

She could shake it off. Nothing about him made sense to her. He was the most curious and strange person she had ever met.

And he just stared at Natalia, now even more embarrassed that she had noticed his embarrassment. Then he blew out nervously and looked awkwardly down to his feet.

"It's driving you crazy, isn't it?" he mumbled, his voice suddenly sad and dark. "Not knowing what I am."

Natalia tried to hide her enthusiasm as she nodded yes in response. He has said "what I am," not "who I am."

He sighed again and began to speak in a voice that was barely audible. "Romanova..." he stopped. She didn't know he didn't know how to word it, or it he couldn't bring himself to say it. "Natalia... you don't know anything about my life. But I need you to promise me that you will take in and utilize everything I show to to your full advantage."

He stopped, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat. He was hiding great pain. "You don't not want a life like mine. Never look up to me or be jealous like I can see all these other girls do. You don't ever want a life like mine. I am going to help you accomplish this. Just forget about me and focus on you."

Are you ready to follow Captain America? his mind whispered, the voice. He felt like he had known it his entire life, despite being almost completely sure he'd never once heard. Then he heard his voice. His voice at a happier time. As if it were a response to the strange, yet familiar voice. To the end of the line...

His head spun. His head hurt. It always did when he began imagining things. But he decided hide it. He couldn't let Natalia share that pain he had felt for all of his life—at least that he could remember.

"Now we need to begin training. We only have only three hours and forty minutes."

And as he began to explain things like how she needs to put all her weight into her punch and be light on her feet. How she'll often combat with her long hair down meaning she needs to have a swing in all of her attacks so that it wouldn't get in her eyes and cut off peripheral vision.

But she could not focus. It's not that she didn't try. She did try.

But this man in front of her was in the deepest of pain and the bluest of sorrow. And all he wants to do is help Natalia. This was honestly hard to believe that it was coming from the commanding, robust assassin.

The Soldier was a weapon. He was nameless. Deeply melancholy. He does not have the look of a killer his eyes like Natalia did. He had the look of a once happy man who had seen the horrors of all the world. And every so often it would change. The brutally disturbed innocence of his eyes had been replaced with the look of pure crazy. But only seconds at a time.

And Natalia found herself with the worst case of adronitis. Day after day with him, mandatory and extra time, he never discloses a single piece of information about himself. For almost two years. What have they done to him. Who did he used to be? What has he seen? And the most intriguing, yet terrifying question: what had he done?

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