Percy

I shouldn't have come out. I shouldn't have told him everything. That I cared about him. That all I wanted was for him to be happy and I thought killing myself would do that. I love him, yeah. I thought my death would be his happiness. And it wasn't. He was miserable.

But he also didn't respond my entire confession. He just... Didn't say anything. He store at me in shock. So I wished him well on getting better and went on my way.

I don't know why I was hopeful. It never fucking works. Because I'm a fucking freak who can't do anything without fucking it up or freaking out. It's not like I'll end up as anything in my life anyways. I'm.nusr wasted space. One of others should've lived. I don't... Not me.

Nico

Guess what I just totally messed up?

All of my chances with Percy.

He told me everything. He owned up and confessed to everything that was going on in his head. From the depression and anxiety, to having dead siblings, to maybe being gay or bi and liking... Loving me.

All Percy wanted was for me to be happy, that was it. So he killed himself. Thinking that I wanted him to die. That I would rejoice knowing that. So he got hopeful when I wasn't and when dad got him back.

But I took too long to say or even do anything. I didn't know what to say. Oh, that's flattering. I actually have had a crush on you for years, sorry for acting like I hated you? No. That's not how it works. And he took my silence as me not wanting anything to do with that. With him. Percy saw himself out and when I tried to stop him, it didn't do anything aside just hurt.

So here I am. Crying. In bed. Because I just my like one chance at actual happiness.

Persephone noticed this and came into my room. I can't handle this. I lied to myself for years. I lied to him for ever longer. I tortured myself over this for just as long and and... Now I got my chance for that clean slate. But I didn't take it.

"Nico, oh my gods." Persephone remarked as she came in, closing my door behind her. "I... What's wrong? Your dad said that Percy was supposed to make you happier. Not..."

"Yeah," I agreed. Percy told me all about that with everything else. "He almost did. It's my fault for not saying anything. He did everything right. I just couldn't open my mouth and now... Well now it's back to him thinking I probably hate him and me sitting here miserable because I don't, but I doubt he'll ever believe otherwise anymore."

"Oh, Nico...." My step mom said, rubbing my arm. "it'll be okay. Percys one or the most understanding kids I've seen in a long time. Does he know you're gay or anything?'

Persephone knows, of course. She knows more than my dad. I tell her everything. She knew I was gay almost as soon as I knew because I enjoy her feedback. Her advice that she gives. She tries to understand the situation.

Either way, I shook my head.

"So start there." She insisted, handing me my phone. "tell him that you're sorry, you just weren't thinking straight when he was here. It's not like you were expecting him, right? And just tell him you have something to tell him that he should know. If you need help beyond that point, I'll be around. Alright? If you're going to get anywhere, though, he has to know."

My step mom walked out, leaving me with my phone and thoughts.

It was 30 minutes of mental prepping before I even sent the first message. He must be home by now.

Me: hey, sorry dude. I was kind of freaked out when you were here. Nobody told me you'd be back any time soon, so I just kind of blanked and yeah. It's been a really rough week. I wasn't ready for anything like that. Not in my state. So uh yeah. Sorry.

I store at my phone for five minutes before getting a response.

Percy 🖤: Dude, you don't have to apologize. But I mean if you hate me, you hate me. I moved on once before. It can probably be done again. I wasn't exactly ready to suddenly come back, either.

Me: But I don't hate you, Percy.

Percy: yeah okay bud

Me: I'm serious, Percy. If I hated you, I wouldn't have stopped eating. I wouldn't have withdrawn from everyone. I wouldn't have blamed myself for the fact that I could've gotten you to stop bleeding had I just found some fucking water. I've been beating myself up all week, Percy. It's not because I hate you. I'm just really bad with the whole emotions and feelings and what to do about them.

Percy: Nico you don't have to lie

Percy: it's fine

Me: I'm not, Percy

Me: I uh...

Me: I have to tell you something, though.

Percy: ...

Percy: what?

I stopped for a second, putting my phone down and letting out a sigh before lying down and starting to type.

Me: I'm gay

Me: and this isn't something new. I've known for a while. I kind of lied to myself about it for a long time and I stopped caring but I mean based off of the fact that you're person 3 to find out about this, I really haven't opened up to others about it.

Me: like I think I always knew I liked guys. But I didn't realise I was gay until after Bianca died. Over those few months when you guys weren't there. When I was gone. So like it was a secret. But I don't know. I told Persephone right away. Jason accidentally found out and now won't leave me alone because of it. And I'm telling you now. So yeah. You just seemed so casual about it and I felt bad when you walked out because I don't hate you. I just didn't know what to say because I wasn't sure if I wanted to risk coming out.

Me: okay that's the end of that, you can like respond

Percy 🖤: I uh...

Percy: I mean, okay. That's great dude that you're becoming more comfortable with it. Slowly but surely.

Percy: but what's it got to do with you not hating me? Are you just trying to like show that you trust me with something as big as this is or...? Am I not getting a message or something? Not clicking something?

Me: no you got everything

Me: but uh, the trust thing is part of it, I guess. You saw how I was, though, Percy. Right? I starved myself. I blamed himself for what happened. I did everything against myself because you just... I never told you how much you actually mean to me, Percy.

Me: You're all I have, okay? Hazel doesn't care about me. That's not news. She never really did. Jason's not my friend by any means. He's not even a wingman, he's just annoying and doesn't get the point. He was helpful once. Making sure I didn't like kill myself after you did. Everyone else is afraid of me, right? They don't even try to talk to me.

Me: the point is, Percy, is that you're basically my family. I don't treat your like it and it's not fair. Of course I have my dad and Persephone. But they're my parents. They're almost obligated to get there. To care. You're not. You brought me to camp and must've decided that no matter how much of an asshole I would ever be, you'd still treat me like anyone else. Like your friend. And I didn't deserve that.

Me: Mainly because I was an asshole

Me: but I pushed you away more than anyone because if everything in my head. I didn't want to. It wasn't plan A. But it was easier than coming out. Than explaining that I'm gay. That I could fucking care less about Annabeth like everyone still thinks I do. It was easier than telling you that I was never mad at you. Maybe there was a day here or a day there. But you were never on my bad side. I just never had the guts to be able to come out and walk up and tell you that I love you and that I could never and couldn't handle you being gone and dead. It was worse than my mom. It was worse than Bianca. Because as much as I was close to them and I loved them to death, they were my mom and sister, you're different, Percy.

Me: I tried to hate you. I tried to believe that I could be an asshole to you and not feel bad. I had no reason to care about you like I did. Like I do. When I found you, Percy, I went into shock because there's this whole new part to you that I didn't even know about. I tried to do everything I could to stop the bleeding. It just didn't work out and your heart stopped and I broke down and I was there when you died. You were dead when they took you from your cabin. I would've walked away if I hated you. I would've eaten. I would've enjoyed myself.

Me: but I can't do that when you're dead. When you kill yourself. I can't bring myself to eat. I can't bring myself to even want to get out of her. To do stuff. To talk to people. Because I'm an asshole and I treated you like shit for years. But I don't how how to describe it. It was the only way I could bring myself to be around you, especially when you started dating Annabeth. It was the only way I figured I'd know if you were still there. To know that it's okay.

Nico: I just...  Yeah. I'm an asshole, and I've known that for a long time. I just never had the guts to come out and tell anyone. Much less to tell you that I love you.