“and look at you,
you have so
much
meaning.”

When I woke up, I couldn't help but wince a little at the bright morning sunlight. The curtains were drawn apart and there was light everywhere.

I winced again.

Too bright.

Sitting up, I looked around groggily. Slowly, very slowly, everything from last night started replaying in my head. It strangely didn't hurt as much as it did last night. All I could feel at that moment was the numbness, the exhaustion, the unrest after a storm.

My eyes trailed across the room and I vaguely remembered how badly I had trashed everything in here last night. It might have just been in my head, a dream, but the wall mirror was still cracked. 

Not broken, I sighed in relief, just cracked at one corner. And apart from that, well, everything was put right back into its place.

Even my bed was perfectly made, with my pillows right beside my head. I looked over at my nightstand and noticed a glass of water there. Someone must've come in here while I was asleep. Someone who was most definitely Luce.

Inhaling a deep breath, I picked up the glass and finished the water within seconds. My throat felt parched.

Then I got up from my bed, swaying a little, before picking out some soft trousers and a dark maroon sweatshirt. While going towards the bathroom, I mentally grimaced at the cracked mirror. What was that superstition about breaking mirrors? Yeah, seven years of bad luck. Just what I needed right now.

I had made such a big mess last night. What would Luce have thought when she saw this all?

I got my answer to that pretty soon.

When I left the bathroom, with my shower drenched hair pulled up in a loose ponytail and my face looking much refreshed than I felt at that moment, I walked out into the lounge. And then I noticed Luce, sitting on one of the kitchen stools around the counter, eating a bowl of cereal.

Her eyes darted up to me right as I took a step out of my room, and she momentarily stopped eating. "Good, you're awake. Sit down."

A part of me had been hoping that whatever happened last night was just a figment of my imagination. I hoped that I had imagined it all. But as I looked at Luce, at the troubled look on her face, I realized that it had all been real. Nora must've called Luce after I fell asleep.

Nora, my heart raced a little, she had been there for me last night.

"Morning," I murmured quietly before sitting down on the stool right in front of hers, across the kitchen counter, and fidgeting with my hands as I placed them on my lap.

"How are you feeling?" She asked, taking another spoon of her cereal. Her eyes didn't leave mine. Maybe she had a feeling that I was going to lie.

"Good." I lied anyway.

She responded by inhaling sharply, placing down her spoon. 

"I'm gonna stop you right there." She said. "After whatever the hell happened last night, I'd like to make one thing clear between us."

I stared at her in surprise.

"You will stop lying from now on." She added, her gaze hardening a little. She never used that tone on me unless I had done something really horrible. "Do you understand?"

I swallowed uneasily. "Okay."

"Now tell me what happened." She continued, pushing her bowl aside and training her whole attention at me. I noticed the way exhaustion seemed to cling to her features. She must not have slept last night.

I couldn't help but shift a little uncomfortably under her piercing gaze. "You already know what happened."

"Not from your mouth."

"Can I have something to eat first?" I whispered, leaning a little against the counter as I rubbed my face. "I'm really hungry." And I wasn't even lying this time. I really was hungry.

She didn't say anything but pulled out a bowl for me anyway. And a box of Fruit Loops. I didn't take that. But I did take the glass of orange juice she passed me over the counter.

"Don't just eat. Talk as well." She was glaring at me now.

"Aren't you...not supposed to be like that when handling a mentally unstable patient?" I asked quietly.

"No." She retorted. "You're not a patient. You aren't mentally unstable either, so no. You better start talking."

I don't know what exactly Nora told her over the phone, but it must've all been gruesome details. Maybe that's why Luce looked so angry; she was trying to cover up the hurt that she felt right now. She was hurt that I didn't talk to her about any of this.

I looked down at my hands, cautiously pulling my sleeve over the small cut right below my thumb. It had stung when I was in the shower. I had probably cut myself when I was busy trashing my room last night, not even noticing it until now.

"I...freaked out last night. Badly. A-A panic attack." I told her, looking at anything but her. "I tried calling you but...you weren't picking up. I think I called Nora then, I don't really remember."

When I looked up at her, her features had clouded over with worry.

"She helped me, though. She...calmed me down." My voice lowered down to a whisper as last night's events played in my head. Terrifying. All of what happened last night had been terrifying.

"And why do you think it happened?" She asked me. I opened my mouth but she beat me to it, "Don't say you don't know. Your friend also mentioned Alastair."

I blinked at her, slowly and unsurely clenching and unclenching my fists. That's what Alas did all the time. I was picking up on his habits.

"He came here last night. He was drunk."

Luce seemed taken aback. Then she leaned forward from across the counter. "What happened? Did he do something? Am I supposed to--"

"He didn't." I cut her off, shaking my head as my eyes widened defensively. "I did. I'm the one to be blamed here, Luce."

"What do you mean?"

I went silent at that, not sure what I was supposed to say. This was one thing I didn't like talking about: my problems. Because they always led to questions that I didn't know how to answer, not when I didn't know the answer myself.

"We kissed," I said.

"Last night?" Her eyes were wide. I think she was trying to hide her surprise but was failing pretty miserably. "Wait, you panicked because of that?"

"No." I was shaking my head before she could have finished that sentence. "Of course not. Not last night. We kissed before that. Last night...I was avoiding him. Trying to push him away. I wasn't answering his calls or texts. I lied to you about my phone. I switched it off because...because I didn't want to face him. I was just scared."

She was silent when I finished and her eyes were still wide.

"He sounded so...broken last night, Luce," I whispered, feeling my eyes welling up with fresh, new tears. Placing my elbows on the counter, I pressed both of my palms against my eyes, just not wanting to start crying again. 

"I-I did that to him. I don't even know if he's all right. He was so drunk and he just left and I didn't even stop him. I just started panicking like every other time."

She slid her hands towards me, pulling mine away from my face, and squeezed them. "Why were you scared?"

I blinked and looked back at her silently. There was no way that she'd understand. There was no way I could make her understand. But how was I supposed to lie to her? How was I supposed to back out from this?

"He told me that he loves me." Her mouth parted in surprise. She closed it just as quickly. "He told me he's never loved anyone before, and he told me that he felt that way towards me. He's wasting it on me, Luce."

She pulled her hands away, her brows furrowing up in confusion. "What...why would you say that? If he loves you, that's supposed to be amazing, Lia. Don't you feel the same way?"

Did I? A day ago I didn't even know what love mean. Love. It was a painfully pathetic word. It wasn't a feeling. It was a choice. Feelings don't just stop, feelings don't betray you. But choices do. They change, they let you go. They aren't permanent. Love wasn't permanent.

And even if it was, it wasn't there for me.

"I don't matter. I don't want to be loved." I shook my head, realizing how plain those words felt. They used to hurt a lot back when I finally came to believe in them. But now, it just felt like a plain truth, carved so deep into me.

"Lia." Luce seemed taken aback. "Why the fuck would you say that?"

"I don't--" I stopped myself before looking up at her. "Can you make sure he's fine? Please. I just...I just want to know that. I don't think I can call him. I don't think he'd pick up anyway."

She kept on frowning. "No. I won't. It's you who need to talk to him."

"I can't." I looked at her in disbelief, shaking my head. "You know I can't. He wouldn't want to even see my face after last night! You can't just--"

"I'm pretty sure he would want to see you after whatever happened last night, Lia." She spoke much more softly this time. Even her gaze was soft. "Whatever that you're not telling me, your irrational fear of being loved, you need to talk to him. Leaving him alone in the dark would destroy him. I know you're not that cruel."

I felt my lip quivering as I edged away. 

"You don't understand," I said, and I could hear the desperation in my voice. "It's...it's not irrational. It's the fucking truth and you know that too."

She just shook her head like she hadn't even heard me in the first place. "I don't know who planted all this in your head, but I know you like him, Lia. You genuinely care about him. I've seen it with my own eyes."

"If you didn't care about him, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have brought that old goddamn Walkman just because you couldn't stand the thought of him being awake during those nights at the hospital." She added. I fell quiet at that. "You let yourself grow close to him. You let him grow close to you. I didn't get to unravel him any more than the others but I do know how scared he was to open up to someone. He opened up to you, Lia. I'm pretty sure he doesn't deserve this."

I felt my mouth going dry. "I don't either. I don't deserve all this either."

"Lia--" She was shaking her head again.

"How am I supposed to make him understand when I can't even make you understand?" My nose was getting runny. I was truly starting to hate how easily I could cry these days.

Concern, that was all there was in her eyes. "You start by telling him."

"Telling him what?" I heard my voice breaking.

"What you couldn't make me understand."

******

I kept on pondering over Luce's words. Again and again.

Tell him what you couldn't make me understand.

It sounded so easy when she said it. I'm pretty sure it would've been easy for her too if she had been in my place. But it wasn't easy for me. I didn't know how to open up entirely, enough to show all that was broken inside of me. And what if that just pushes him away?

How was I supposed to tear myself open, raw and broken, and watch him walk away in the end?

My fingers were itching every hour, now and then, to just pick up my phone, call him, or Maria, or anyone who could tell me how he was doing. I wanted to know if he was fine.

The last time I had seen him--God, I couldn't even let myself think about that night. Not after a whole day, and not even after another one. I was a coward.

I'd always be a coward.

"Thank you," I spoke into my phone, a bit hesitatingly though. "For you know, that night. I...I owe you for helping me through that one."

Nora was silent on the other end, but she eventually ended up sighing. "No, you don't, Lia. You don't owe me anything." She said, "I'm glad I was there for you."

How could she be glad, I wondered.

"Did it happen again?" She asked.

"No."

"Has it ever happened before?"

I bit onto my lower lip and trudged across the park I had ended up in. It was one right ahead of Luce's apartment, mostly quiet except for a few neighborhood children playing around.

"A bad one like this, once," I replied.

"...so you mean it happens all the time?"

"Not all the time, God, no." I scrunched up my nose at that awful thought. Someone would have noticed if it happened all the time.

She hummed thoughtfully. "So, tell me more about this Alastair dude."

"I don't think that's--"

"Come on. He made you lose your shit. I gotta know more about him." She cut me off, sounding genuinely curious. It was strange that she wasn't being all wary on the call, scared that I might have a mental breakdown any second. Luce usually started growing concerned these days if I stopped smiling for more than an hour.

"There really isn't anything more to know about him," I stated firmly, before sitting down on a wooden bench. "Besides, you're the last person I would want to talk to about him."

I heard her scoff, totally ignoring the last part.

"You were rambling about him." She said, "You said something along the lines of, 'He loved me. Loves me. I'm so scared.' "

I couldn't help but frown at the way she mimicked my voice. "Why do you even care?"

"Well, I have a feeling that you don't really have anyone to talk to about this guy." She said.

"I have friends."

"Tara and Steph, right?" She asked. "Do they know about your panic attacks?" And almost as if she already knew the answer, she added, "Some friends they are."

"You don't get to say that." I retorted.

"I was there for you and we used to share everything, Lia." She sounded frustrated. "Well, at least until I--"

"I'm not talking about this." I cut her off, sounding a little alarmed.

"Why can't we talk about this?"

"Because it's stupid. You chose sides. You were supposed to be my best friend but you--"

"Fine." I heard her loud sigh, cutting me off. "We won't talk about this. At least not until you're in your right mind."

I frowned. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"So, do you like him?" She asked, totally ignoring my question. It took me a while to realize that we were back on Alastair again.

"I...I do." I whispered, my eyes trailing over to a lab pup, playfully bouncing around one of the trees while a little girl ran after it. "Are you going to tell this to Alicia? Make her start one of those messed up rumors?"

She went silent and I almost felt bad for sounding so rude.

"I'm just gonna pretend you didn't say that." She said after a while. "And about you liking him, I think you should give it a go."

"I don't need you for relationship advice."

She scoffed again. "Noah never liked you, Lia. He never loved you either."

I blinked in surprise. I would have laughed at how hilarious it was, the slight pang that I still felt when I heard her say that, but I didn't.

"I know that," I spoke up, sounding much calmer than I felt. "Don't you think I already know that?"

"You know that, and you believe in that way too much. You think if he couldn't ever love you, no one else can either." She said.

"That's not true--"

"Yes, it is." She cut me off. "I know it wasn't fair to you, Lia, but you deserve to be loved too. Everyone does. You know who told me that?"

My breath hitched a little in response.

"You fucking did." She answered herself. "If you really like this guy, this one guy who told you that he actually loves you, you better not let fucking Noah stop you from going after him. Noah wasn't worth it, Lia, and you're so much more worth."

There was just silence after that.

"It's not just Noah," I whispered a little miserably, closing my eyes for just a fleeting moment. "It's...it's everything. Why would I want to go after something that might not even last forever?"

"Nothing lasts forever, Lia."

"See?" I laughed bitterly. "This wouldn't last forever, and not because one of us will die, but because I will fuck it up. I'll do something that will make him go away. I'll do something really messed up and he'd get tired of me. Don't you see? I'm the problem here."

It was her turn to remain silent.

"Wow, I..." She trailed off. "Look, I may not know much and obviously, we haven't been on the same track for years. But Lia, that's how we humans live. We take risks. We know that we might fuck up everything, but we still take those risks. That's what makes us humans."

I let out a shaky sigh. "It's not that easy, Nora." My head wouldn't let me, I wanted to say.

"I know."

"Nora--"

"Does he make you happy?"

I closed my eyes, replaying that smile of his in my head, again and again. "Yes." So much.

"Then don't be a stupid bitch." She replied plainly. "Either you go tell him all this, or I'll have to come there myself. And honestly, I'm not planning on wasting the money from my summer job for that."

A small laugh escaped my lips.

"It has been years, Nora," I murmured. "Why are you doing this?"

I heard her sigh. 

"Yeah, well, I was a stupid bitch like you. I thought staying away from you would be nice. You weren't popular in high school and I wanted to be popular. Like I said, a stupid bitch."

The smile slowly fell away from my lips, because yeah, it still hurt.

"But popularity didn't make me happy, Lia." She added softly. "I watched you in school hallways and realized that you were just like me, with people who weren't really your friends, but you still tried to be happy." She stopped momentarily. 

"And then years later, Noah said some...pretty bad stuff about you. And when I realized that he was a bigger bitch than me, I punched him in his beautiful face. Then I tried contacting you."

I breathed out a small laugh. "Didn't really work, huh?"

"No." She said, "But then a certain someone had a really bad panic attack, hysterically crying over the phone, and I thought fucking hell, this has to be my last chance to get back my best friend."

I rolled my eyes despite the very tiny smile on my face. "That's so blunt of you."

She must've been rolling her eyes too. "I take risks. Leaving you for fucking high school popularity, that was my biggest one. And I learned my lesson." She told me. "So even if you take risks and they go wrong, you learn something. And in the end, it always works out."

I remained silent.

"So, go for it, Lia." She whispered. "Take that risk."