“it's gonna hurt.
it's gonna hurt
because it matters.”

It was really cold that night. Even if I was wearing my trench coat (the one with the picture inside) over my long-sleeved dark green top, and a grey scarf wound around my neck, I still think I was shivering.

By the time I got out of the cab, right in front of the tall gates of Camberley Prep Academy, my fingers had gone numb. Really. I was afraid they might start falling off any second now. Maybe I should have borrowed those mittens from Luce.

As for Luce herself, I didn't think she'd be there by the time I reached back at the apartment. But then again, I didn't really know how long this would take. Since I could only think about the worst possible scenarios, I stuck a note back on the refrigerator, just in case I wouldn't be back home before her. I didn't want her to get worried on top of all this.

Once the cab driver pulled off, leaving me alone to stand by there in the cold, I slowly started making my way towards the college gates.

There was no security near the gates, just like last time. Maria had told me that they usually had guards here in the morning, but not during the night. I didn't really understand the reason for that. The guards and the staff, however, were always there near the halls, keeping a watch. You needed to have your college ID to be let in.

Thankfully, the pool area was nowhere near any of those halls. I knew that not because Maria had given me a tour last time. But mainly because I had seen the swimming pool, or perhaps just its tiny silhouette, back from Alastair's dorm windows.

And it was beautiful, like the whole campus, when I made my way through the freshly tamed yards and the tall oak trees, and finally stopped by.

The first thing I noticed were the fancy pool chairs folded in front of the tall concrete wall. It was dark out here. A few ceiling lights were switched on above the pool chairs. Other than that, there was just the moonlight cascading across the entire pool. Which, by the way, was bigger than it looked from that dorm window.

And the dark blue water, glittering against the moonlight, looked strangely inviting. I didn't even like swimming.

"Ophelia."

My eyes darted away from the moon's reflection and towards Alastair, who was already in the pool, his arm perched on the corner. I walked along the stone pavement towards him and noticed the smile on his face. It was as beautiful as the moonlight.

I almost smiled back but decided on frowning instead.

"You should really stop calling me that," I said.

It wasn't true. I didn't want him to stop calling me that. It'd feel strange now if he called me Lia. But there was still this small part inside me, always grimacing when I heard someone calling me that.

"But there is no one here except for us." He placed his other arm on the concrete pavement away from the pool water and looked up at me, water dripping down his hair.

"And?" I asked, finding it a little hard not to stare. It was his fault that he was here right now, looking so calm and carefree and not wearing a shirt.

"And you don't like it when someone calls you that in front of the others."

I could only pass him a look of disbelief. "Well, still."

He just smiled and God, I hated the goddamn butterflies in my stomach whenever he looked at me like that.

"Are you just going to stand there?" He asked me.

I sighed and looked around once again, glad that there really was nobody here, before sitting down cross-legged on the dry concrete pavement, a few feet away from where Alastair was in the pool.

"Obviously," I murmured, unwinding my scarf and pulling it away from my neck. I felt a little hot here, even when my fingers were still kind of freezing.

"Or," he swam a little closer towards me. "You can come in here."

I stared at him incredulously. "What? No. I'm already freezing." Then I frowned. "How can you even think about swimming when it's this cold?"

"I like swimming when it's this cold." He pushed his hair away from his forehead, his eyes darting towards the closed campus doors just for a second, before fixing back at me. "And the water's warm."

I narrowed my gaze at him. "Oh no, I wouldn't want my clothes to get all wet."

He gave me a cheeky smile before dunking his head underwater. I didn't really get to react when he came back up again, shaking his head and splashing the water all over me.

"Alas, no!" I tried shoving him away, but it was clearly of no use. "I was serious!" I hissed at him since I couldn't really shout out here. "I didn't want my clothes to get wet."

"Why not?"

I gave him a look of pure disbelief, not really sure whether I should get up or stay here. My leggings already felt drenched by now. "Would you want your clothes to get all wet like this?"

"Yeah." He leaned a little closer and I eyed him warily. "I would if that meant getting to have you in the pool with me."

It was clearly stupid of my face to heat up at just that tiny statement.

"Nuh-uh." I shook my head, letting my hair cover my cheeks, and secretly thankful that I had not pulled up my hair in a ponytail at the very last moment. I didn't think I ever got red in the face when I blushed, but I wasn't taking any chances. Not when he was right in front of me. "Forget it. I didn't come here to swim anyway."

"Right." He didn't even try to hide the disappointment on his face. If anything, it just made me blush a little more. What was up with him? "You came here to tell me something."

I nodded, then spoke up when I found my voice. "Yes."

My eyes involuntarily trailed down his arm, towards the black ink tattooed across it. 

So beautiful and sad, like music. I wondered if those words were somehow related to him. Or his brother. What did I even know about his brother?

The water barely reached his shoulders. If I got down there, it might just be above my neck.

"Well," I started when I realized that he was waiting for me to speak. And all I was doing was staring. "There's something..."

A small heavy feeling settled at the pit of my stomach, not really letting me continue. Out of nowhere, the photograph in my pocket seemed to weigh a tonne. And I just didn't know how to say it. I was dreading doing it for absolutely no reason.

"What is it?" His voice was soft. His eyes too when they looked at me.

What if he got angry at me for not showing it to him sooner?

"It's just..." The photograph. Say it.

What if I messed it all up for him? What if he didn't remember about his own twin just because he didn't want to? What if I--

"Ophelia?" There was a hand on my arm, fingers softly tugging on my sleeve, enough to jerk me out of my head. I blinked at Alastair and saw his brows furrowing a little, almost concerned.

"I didn't tell you that I'd be leaving back for home soon." And I didn't even realize what I was saying until I heard it with my own ears. Fucking hell.

Alastair looked surprised, pulling his hand away from my sleeve. "What?"

"Yeah. That." That was so not what I was supposed to say. I inhaled a little shakily. "At the end of this month."

No, no, no. Why was I stalling? Why were my hands shaking at the mere thought of pulling out that photograph? 

His visions, I thought, he saw himself in them. What if that was his twin? Why was I not just telling him about that godforsaken picture?

"You mean New York," He said. I nodded.

When he didn't say anything else, I sighed, reaching out my fingers and trailing them across the water. It was warm, just like he had said.

"I'll miss this place." I murmured, leaning back against my palms on either side of me and looking up at the dark night sky. "I'll miss everything here."

I'll miss you, I wanted to say. But right now, I promised myself I won't think about that. Save the worst for last, like I always told myself.

"Why are you leaving then?" He asked with a tiny frown on his forehead. I couldn't help but smile at that.

"Because I can't stay here forever," I told him. "There's a real life back there and I gotta go back to it." Even if I don't want to. "College, studies, my family. I can't just...leave them behind."

He seemed to look away again, behind me, towards the campus gates.

"But you can leave me behind." It was just a whisper. I might not have caught it, but I did, enough to make out what he had just said.

I passed him a surprised look. "We should not talk about this."

He just raised his brows in response, not even looking at me, as if I had somehow offended him.

Well, maybe I should've stuck with the whole plan.

"I'm not happy that I have to leave," I said. Nowhere near happy. But if I start thinking about all that, leaving him and missing him and all that, I might lose what little self control I had. I might start panicking. I might even lose my shit. 

Because if I think more about it, the inevitable, I'd start realising that he's the only one who ever cared enough for me, and he's the only one who really understood me, and that would get scary within seconds. I didn't need that.

"But it's not something that's in my hands," I added truthfully, wishing he'd look at me. "And I'll miss you, Alas. If that makes it any better."

As if sensing my silent wish, he turned his gaze back at me.

"It doesn't." He said. "But you're right. We should not talk about this. Not right now."

I nodded slowly, agreeing to what he just said. Then I opened my mouth, almost ready to try that whole photograph thing once again, when he cut me off,

"Can I pull you in?"

He looked entirely serious if it hadn't been for the strange, almost roguish glint in his eyes. And then I realized that he was close enough to pull me in the pool if he had wanted to.

That's exactly why I recoiled back. "Alas, don't you dare--"

He didn't pull me in, thank God, but he still got a hold of my sleeve anyway. "You just told me something that did not make me happy. I think you owe me a little, Ophelia."

My eyes widened. "No." I tried pulling back my trench coat sleeve. "That's not fair. That doesn't even make any sense."

"Does it have to?" He grabbed my wrist this time.

"Alas--"

"Maybe you should take off your coat first." His eyes ran down my face before coming back up again.

"No." I shook my head, trying to pull back my wrist, and when I failed to do that, I just glared at him. "You can't make me."

"Obviously," He replied, sounding quite sure of himself. And then he gave me one of those soft beautiful smiles. "But I want you to."

I groaned out loud. I really did. "This is manipulation."

"Ophelia," He spoke, giving my hand a soft tug. "Please. I promise I won't let you drown."

I stared at him in disbelief. This should not have been possible.

"Fine! God, you are such a manipulator." I rolled my eyes, glad that he let go of my hand so that I could get up. I slowly took off my coat and went over towards the pool chairs, placing it down on it. Then I started taking off my shoes.

Maybe I can make a run for it.

I glanced back at Alastair and saw him waiting for me. He was actually waiting for me. But why? I wondered. I never understood why.

Sighing, I pushed my shoes aside and walked back towards the pool, feeling the cold pavement under my bare feet. At least I had my clothes on.

"I might freeze to death, you know," I told him, already shivering a little now that I had no coat and no scarf. Then I bent down to feel the water again, hoping it was still warm. "I don't even like swimming pools."

"I know." I barely saw him reaching his hand out until he gripped my arm. And then pulled me in the pool, without any warning whatsoever.

My little scream went muffled, thankfully, when the water engulfed me. But before I could have inhaled it, I was pulled back on the surface by none other than you know who. And he was laughing. 

He had the nerve to laugh.

I breathed heavily, pulling my hands away from his shoulders when I realized I was literally gripping onto them.

"God, you are such a pain." I hissed at him, wiping the water from inside my eyes. I couldn't even see properly and that was actually really making me mad. "And don't laugh! What is wrong with you?"

I felt him nudging my hands aside before carefully pushing back my drenched hair, away from my eyes. 

"I'm sorry." He stopped laughing but there was still this smile on his face. And his eyes, his eyes seemed so happy. "I think I should've warned you."

"You think?" I spoke up incredulously. Well, at least I could see properly now. "That was such a stupid thing to do--"

"You're cute when you're all mad."

That shut me up effectively. And then I started getting a little hyper-aware of his arm which was still around my waist, holding me up. Like I had thought, the water reached just below my neck, all warm and tingly. 

"Ha ha." I stared at him, then blurted out, "Are you drunk right now?"

I didn't exactly understand why I asked him that. Maybe because the last time I had seen him this carefree and happy was when he was drunk.

"Is it usually drunk guys who tell you that you are cute?" He tipped his head just a little towards me and I couldn't help but stare at the way water droplets glistened on his skin.

It felt a little hard to form words at that moment.

"You just pulled me in here to embarrass me."

He smiled and I actually shivered when I felt his fingers trailing a little up my waist.

"I just complimented you. I wasn't trying to embarrass you."

And then I started growing a little too conscious of his close proximity and noticed that I had the edge of the pool right behind me. One would say that I was trapped.

"Y-Yeah." I was growing a bit flustered by then. "I know."

His eyes looked silver under the moonlight, little pools of silver. And I felt like I might drown in them. I didn't even need the chlorinated water all around me to drown myself. God, this was scary.

"Do you wanna see something cool?" He asked me, slowly and softly.

I could only nod in response, a bit hesitatingly though.

"Can you open your eyes underwater?" 

I took my time before replying. I don't know why my brain was working so slow when he was this close. 

"I...think so."

"Sure?" He asked once more, almost as if he knew that my head was going all fuzzy and mushy right now.

I nodded.

"Okay. I'll pull you underwater then. Don't open your eyes until I say so."

I nodded once again, a little too entranced by his eyes alone. If he asked me to jump off a cliff right now, I'd probably even do that. There was something in the way he spoke to me, something soft and warm, and I just couldn't find it in myself to say no.

Alastair tightened his grip a little on my waist, ready to pull me underwater. My shirt was already clinging to my body, and his surprisingly warm touch was making me feel a little dizzy.

"Take a deep breath."

I did.

And then he pulled me down the water surface. Again.

I had my eyes closed this time, holding my breath. The water was warm; a kind of warmth that you didn't want to let go off. It was a little panicky at first, but then I calmed down because I could still feel Alas's arm around me and I knew I didn't have anything to panic about when he was here.

Few seconds passed by before I felt him slowly letting go of my waist. I frowned a little in confusion. Was this my cue to open my eyes?

Then he slid his hand behind my neck with that same gentle touch.

What was he doing?

I jerked open my eyes in surprise and I noticed his face was just a few inches away from my own. Wisps of black hair swept along his forehead, along with the warm water all around us. His eyes were open just like mine, so blue like the water.

If I wasn't holding my breath right now, I'd probably have stopped short with how angelic he looked at that moment.

The corners of his lips tugged upwards into a smile before he slightly nudged his head to the side. And when I looked at where he was pointing--really looked around us--I noticed the lights. Golden lights dancing all around the bottom of the pool. It was magical.

My eyes widened in response and I looked back at him in awe.

His smile widened at my reaction and I had to refrain myself from smiling as well, scared that I might end up inhaling water. I subconsciously leaned into his touch on my cheek and looked around, at the reflection of the moon and the numerous glittering lights in the water.

For some reason, I hadn't really noticed them outside when I wasn't in the pool. It was breathtaking, quite literally, especially since I knew I would have to resurface to catch some air pretty soon.

And then I saw Alastair leaning closer before he kissed me.

It took me by surprise, of course it did. Because this might've been the last thing I was expecting. The last thing I expected to happen right now.

The soft touch of his lips against my own, and those golden lights, and the small air bubbles around us--and then I was pulling away from him and rising up to the surface.

"You..." I inhaled a huge gulp of air. "...kissed me."

He was right in front of me, but not as close as he was just seconds ago. And the worst thing other than the surprise was that I could still feel his lips on mine, and that hurt. Almost as if I wanted to kiss him back, feel it again. I wanted it, even if I knew that I probably shouldn't.

This isn't fair. God, this was not fair.

Alastair ran a hand through his drenched hair, pushing them back. He didn't seem so desperately in need of air like me. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't think--"

And then I was rushing towards him, with my hands on either side of his face, pulling him underwater yet once again, and kissing him a lot more properly this time. I had to. It felt like something might just explode inside of me if I didn't.

He was the one surprised this time. I think I was too. But he overcame it a little quickly and pulled me closer, pressing his lips more firmly against my own.

I don't know how long we were kissing, but by the time I pulled away just a little, we were back above the surface and there was this pool's concrete edge pressing against my back and we both were breathing heavily.

Even if we weren't underwater now, it still felt like I was underwater.

I blinked rapidly, staring up at his face, knowing fully well how much I had been dreading all this. But I couldn't go back now. I didn't know how to go back from this.

"Alas--"

He kissed me again, much more slowly this time, almost as if he wanted to cherish this feeling as long as he could've. I kissed him back just the same. 

Then he was pushing me against the edge of the pool, pressing closer, deepening the kiss. He knew what he was doing. I didn't. I didn't even know how I was letting any of this happen.

And since I couldn't really think straight right now, I let my hands trail up his shoulders and into his hair, loving the softness of it. His hands on my waist and his lips and that kiss, all of it was slowly driving me insane.

He pulled away then and I was panting.

"Do you want me to stop?" He asked, his gaze dropping down to my lips and then back into my eyes.

I was shaking my head way before I could have thought twice about it. I knew that should've scared me. But at that moment, I couldn't care less. I needed him, I realized, I needed him more than anything in my life.

"No." I gasped when he kissed me near my jawline, his lips trailing down my neck, and it was like a trail of hot fire. So fucking sweet.

"I really--" He gently nipped below my ear, making me clutch onto his shoulders in response. "--hoped so."

His lips trailed lower and I was aware of how warm I felt at that moment, how blissful this felt. His hand on my waist seemed to get too close to the hem of my shirt and I arched my back just a little. Because I could feel his soft kisses right down till my toes, and I never thought that was possible. His hand slid inside my shirt, too warm against my bare back, and way too close.

Fear. That's what made me jerk away from him. And right that same instant, we both heard footsteps.

"Oh, wow." I recognized the voice. "No one told me there was a pool party going on tonight."

I looked up at Maria and shrunk further away from Alastair. I could slowly, very slowly feel the small knot of dread morphing into something big, making its way up my stomach.

Maria looked at me, then at Alastair, confused. Perhaps she hadn't seen us kissing. God, I hoped so.

"What?" She was looking at Alastair. "Why do you look ready to kill me? Honestly, Al, warm up--" She continued talking but I tuned her out. I had a little nagging feeling at the back of my head, telling me that I might throw up any second now.

A bundle of nerves, that's what I felt like.

Alastair had been touching me, kissing me, and I hadn't even stopped him. Why? It was just stupid attraction. I didn't need that. I didn't need a stupid crush to ruin the balance from my life, not again.

I didn't realise I had gotten out of the pool, not until the cold hit me. It felt a little harder to breathe now. Probably because of the cold.

"Ophelia." It was Alastair calling out my name.

"Ophelia?" Maria asked in bewilderment.

"Shut up, Maria." He sounded pissed off.

I picked up my coat and quickly shrugged it on, wrapping it all around myself. At least it was dry and not wet like the rest of my clothes. Still, I was shivering. My hands were shaking by the time I had finished putting on my shoes. And when I turned back towards them, I noticed that Alastair had made his way out of the pool too, in just his black swimming trunks.

His gaze was on me. Concerned, scared, worried.

Why?

"Are you leaving?" He sounded scared. Why did he sound so scared?

"Yeah. It's...it's getting late." I didn't meet his gaze. It felt a little hard to do that. "I just noticed. Luce would be worried. You know her." 

My hair was clinging onto my back and I desperately needed something to hold on to. I don't know why it felt like I was falling. Falling into a dark, endless pit.

Don't think about it. Don't think about it.

He stepped a little closer and I stepped a little away. He noticed that, obviously, and I saw his expression changing, turning into a blank, emotionless one. I hated that. I wanted to tell him I hated that.

"Do you want me to pretend again?" It was low, almost a murmur. I realized that he didn't want Maria to listen, even if she was on the other side of the pool.

"What?" I asked, swallowing uneasily.

Alastair sighed, taking another step closer towards me, a lot more cautiously than the last time. "I can if you want. I'll pretend that I didn't kiss you. We can pretend all over again."

I was stunned into silence.

"Ophelia?" He murmured softly, staring. "Talk to me. Please."

I shook my head. "No...no, of course not. It's fine." I lied. He just frowned in response. "We...we don't have to pretend. I just need a little time. It's fine."

"It's not." His gaze was intense, drilling into me. "You look horrified. You're not even looking at me."

I shook my head again. It felt like that was the only thing I could have done.

"I just need to...process this all. I'll be fine. I promise." The words rushed out of me. "It's fine."

It wasn't fine. It wasn't fine at all.

He seemed unsure, but he must've realized that this was so much better than all that constant pretending. I was slightly disgusted by that. If I would've said yes to the whole pretending, would he have done that? Would he have gone along with it just because I couldn't get past my issues?

What was wrong with me?

"Okay." He said, his gaze not once wavering away from me. "Will you call me later?"

I nodded, knowing that I wouldn't. I'd leave and I would not call him back. Not anytime soon. Not if that dark endless pit caught up to me first.