“such aching mystery hides,
in your stardust–glimmer eyes.”

I didn't really sleep properly that night. 

It might've had something to do with that alcohol, or my head which had been crammed full with sad thoughts when I finally gave in to the exhaustion.

I kept on waking up during the night. Half conscious, I'd pull away a little, only finding darkness around me. It wasn't that it was really cold in the room, but it wasn't warm either. I'd shiver slightly and then curl up back against Alastair, drifting to a not-so-easy sleep.

I didn't think Alastair slept properly either. Whenever he'd feel me moving a little, he'd just tighten his arm around me, pulling me back to sleep with his soft lips just below my hairline.

I was right about that when I woke up again--near morning this time--and he had his hand in my hair, softly playing with it as I slept. I didn't move for a while, not really wanting to pull away from him.

This warm feeling with waking up next to him was something that I wanted to get used to. I was at peace and I could remember no other day when I had woken up feeling this peaceful, especially so early in the morning.

Few more minutes passed by while both of us remained silent, awake. I didn't think he knew I was awake, not until a yawn left my lips, making me fidget a little as I rubbed my eyes. 

God, the wave of exhaustion that I had felt last night, I thought, it felt like I hadn't slept for years.

Maybe it had just been my brain shutting down after all that extreme overthinking.

"You didn't sleep well," Alastair said. His voice was laced with sleep, which made his accent more prominent.

"Did you?" I looked up at him, in his lazy grey eyes.

He just shrugged in response.

I sighed and brought back my hands up to my face, rubbing my eyes again, while leaning my forehead against his chest.

"I'm sorry for last night," I whispered, feeling a little at guilt. "You didn't sleep because of me."

He was silent for a while. I had a feeling that he agreed with that last statement, all until he replied with, "You're really good at making assumptions." 

He sounded like he was smiling and when I glanced up at him, there was a tired smile on his lips. "And you apologize a lot too."

I grimaced. "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry." Then I grimaced again.

He stared at me for a very long time, the tiny adoring smile still on his lips. 

"We'll work on that." He said, before placing a kiss on the top of my head, pulling me closer once again.

I laughed quietly. It was surprising how sure he sounded of himself, as if this was a normal thing. As if he had already forgotten about last night. I had forgotten about it too, at least not until I tried thinking too hard about it.

It felt normal.

"So you want me to turn into some kind of a snarky bitch who never apologizes." I was smiling too.

"That's what I want." I laughed again--at the seriousness in his voice this time. It was so rare that I had such a nice start to a morning when the previous night consisted of a near mental breakdown.

"Does your head hurt?" Alastair asked softly.

"Why would my head hurt?" I asked him in return, fidgeting a little when I felt my left arm falling asleep.

He took his time to reply. "You were drunk last night."

I shrugged and pulled away from him, rolling over to the other side of the bed and stretching my arms over my head. 

"I don't know. I don't even know what...it was that I drank."

He frowned and sat up, running a hand through his tousled hair. I couldn't help but not so discreetly stare at the way his back muscles flexed.

"Promise me something." He said.

"Hm?" I pulled up the pillow he had been sleeping on and clutched it against my chest, inhaling his lingering scent.

"Don't do that again." He still sounded like he was frowning. "Don't ever try to get drunk again. Not because you feel like you need to go through something."

I opened one eye and noticed that he still had his back facing me. He seemed tense.

"Everybody does that." That, I realized, was the most stupid thing I could've said. But maybe, deep down, I knew that was the truth. I didn't like getting wasted, but I'd needed it to go through the night. Just like everyone else who did this exact same thing to go through something they feared.

Alastair faced me and the frown vanished from his face. 

"Everyone's fucking toxic, Ophelia." And that tenderness in his voice nearly made me grip the pillow tighter. "I don't want you to change just because everyone does too."

I blinked, a little surprised, before giving him a small smile. 

"I'm the last person who'd change, Alas." My cheeks seemed to heat up with the way he was currently looking at me. "Besides, I don't think I'll be drinking anytime soon. Not like I haven't said it before, but it tastes pretty nasty."

A small smirk made its way on his lips and it nearly made me weak in the knees--the hungry glint in his eyes. 

"So I suppose it was just the alcohol last night?" He questioned.

"Obviously." I scoffed, lying straight through my teeth as I rolled over on my back, with the pillow on top of my face. God, I was having thoughts that I most definitely shouldn't be having this early in the morning. And not after last night--after that ugly breakdown of mine.

"And it was just the alcohol when you asked me to kiss you?"

I opened my mouth a few times, not sure what to say. "I...yeah." Was it?

He hummed in response. I felt the bed dip and before I could've even opened my eyes, in a swift motion, the pillow was snatched away from my face and Alastair was looming on top of me.

"Then I guess the alcohol is to blame for too when you were sounding so eager with all those moans." He looked down at me, a bright glint in his eyes. 

He was fucking teasing me.

I looked up at him with wide eyes, my heart practically crawling up my mouth. "Was it?"

One corner of his lips tugged upwards as he leaned down, his hands on either side of me. 

"I guess we'll never know." He whispered.

I blinked in confusion, my eyes darting down to his soft, inviting lips and then back to his beautiful grey eyes. "What do you mean?"

He totally ignored me, his gaze drifting down to my shoulder, a bit near my neck. "What a shame. Do you think people are gonna appreciate that?"

He was just leaning over me and I was already a mess from the inside, stunned and wide eyes from the outside.

"Appreciate...what?" I breathed out.

His gaze flickered to mine just for a second maybe, before he dipped his head beneath my chin, his fingers working over the hoodie I was wearing and lightly pushing it away from my neck. And then his lips grazed along one specific spot, right below my ear.

An embarrassing sound made its way up my throat and I immediately clamped one hand over my mouth, my face growing a little too hot. Alastair let out a small chuckle and I shivered at the hot breath fanning down my collarbone.

"Not the alcohol working anymore?" He asked, the softness of his lips tickling along my skin. My hands, which had been completely limp by my side, slid into his hair.

I stuttered something incoherent along the lines of, "I think I'm just...extra sensitive there."

He pulled away finally, his gaze on mine, his lips curved into the same teasing smirk. I felt my heart skipping a few beats. "And I think I left a hickey right there."

My eyes widened even more and might've even popped out of their sockets if I hadn't covered my face then, before letting out a small, embarrassing groan.

"Alas," I spoke up, which was mostly muffled by my hands. "I just woke up."

He chuckled once again before flipping us over with ease, grabbing my waist so that I was on top of him now. I decided to keep my face buried in my hands, resting against his shoulder. This was a warm kind of embarrassment, I realized. A kind of feeling which felt too new, too vulnerable. Almost as if I was left open. And that bothered me a little.

"You don't have to get embarrassed." He told me. "I love you, and I love every bit of you, so I may as well be leaving those hickeys everywhere. And since you were enjoying it last night, I don't see a problem."

I was left stunned into silence and when I did manage to speak up, I was a blabbering mess.

"God, why would you say that?" All I could think about now, thanks to him, was his touch everywhere near me. And just thinking about that left me restless.

"Why not?"

"Oh my God." I pulled away from my hands and looked up at him with wide eyes. "Just shut up, will you?"

He broke into a laugh and that didn't really help my flaming cheeks. He was getting me worked up over nothing.

"I'm sorry." He was still smiling, his arm wrapped around my back, his other hand in my hair. "I will shut up if that's what you want."

I could only shake my head in disbelief, willing myself to relax, even though his shirtless torso wasn't helping. But this was fine, wasn't it?

This was supposed to be normal. The teasing, the flirting, the affection. All of it was supposed to be normal.

"Alas?" I spoke up after a while, after a little bit of thinking.

"Hm?"

"Are you not...are you not bothered by what happened last night?"

His hand slowly trailed down my waist, holding me close.

"What should I be bothered about?" He asked.

"I freaked out." I could feel the heaviness in my throat and I instinctively pressed my face against his shoulder, trying to wave it off. "You must have thought about it. You must want to think twice--"

He sat up, making me trail off, but still held me close. I ended up on his lap with my hands on his shoulders. He tightened his hold around my waist and stared right into my eyes, a little too intensely.

"I thought about it the whole night, Ophelia." He told me. The sudden dread must've been visible on my face because he cupped one side, gently stroking his thumb along my cheek. "I thought about it and I don't want you to hide anything from me anymore."

I stared at him, surprised.

He leaned a little closer and I instinctively gripped his shoulders. 

"I love you because of you. Just you. I don't know how this works, just like you, but I would do anything to make it work. Because you make me happy." His voice fell down to a murmur, sounding so incredibly sure of what he was saying. As if nothing in this world could make him take back those words. 

That's why my heart was racing, I realized.

"It's been so fucking long since anything made me feel...this happy, Ophelia." He added.

I opened my mouth to say something, but I didn't know what. I didn't know how to make it sound like I truly meant it, like he did. How was I supposed to tell him how much he meant to me, how scared I was of losing him, without dampening the mood all over again--just like I had done last night?

He sighed and gave me a small smile. I saw the underlying sadness in it and I swear it made my heart ache in response.

"You don't have to say anything in response. You don't have to feel the same way." He said. "I...I can live with that. But I can't live with you changing yourself, or forcing yourself into something...you don't want to be in."

I tried blinking back the tears in my eyes, the awful stinging sensation as I stared back at him, in his beautiful and honest eyes. Since I didn't really have anything to say, I ended up sliding my hands around the back of his neck and burying my face against him.

"Thank you," I whispered, both in gratitude and sadness.

He placed a soft kiss on the top of my head. "Of course, baby."

We kept sitting there for the next few minutes, not really bothered by the silence. It was comfortable actually. I realized that I liked this the most, safely engulfed in Alastair's arms with just this silence around us. This felt so much better than spending my time at empty rooftops, and that was saying something.

"What are your plans for today?" He asked me after a while, tracing his fingers along my back.

I hummed in thought, then ended up shrugging lightly. 

"I don't know. Luce has a morning shift today, so I'll probably go to the library. Or...somewhere else. I don't know for sure."

I didn't remember keeping any plans for today, not when I had been stressed out of my mind yesterday. And now that my days were ending to this little vacation, I was running out of options. I mostly tried not to think about the end of this month, but sometimes I couldn't stop myself.

Like right now. I found myself wondering what would happen when I leave. I'd have to leave, I thought, but what about Alas? I didn't want to leave him. Did he want me to leave him?

"We can go on a breakfast date," Alastair suggested.

I laughed at the way he stated that so nonchalantly, muffling it against his shoulder. 

"Am I even ready for that?"

"Are you?" He inquired.

I was. I hadn't ever been on a date before. And as much as I hated thinking about the end of this month, I wanted to spend as much of my time with Alastair as I could.

And what then? What will happen when you have to leave?

Sudden anxiousness filled me out of nowhere, my shoulders drooping slightly.

"If you say yes," He murmured into my hair, "I may just take you for ice skating after."

That caught my attention, even though I was pretty sure I wouldn't have said no. At least it diverted my attention from elsewhere.

I pulled away a little and looked up at him. "I thought you told me you didn't know how to skate."

"Well...maybe I do now." He replied with a cheeky smirk, leaning closer until there were just inches left between our faces.

"I don't," I replied with a smile that matched his. "I'll end up embarrassing you if you take me there."

"I'll take it." My smile grew wider at his words. "Anything for you, babe."

******

"Would we be skating at the ice rink?" I asked Alastair with wide, excited eyes.

"Oh, or at the lake? Do you think it's frozen enough to skate at?" Then just a second later, a horrifying thought made me shudder. "Because what if it breaks? The ice-cold water...and we don't even know how deep the lake is." 

I shuddered again.

Alastair stared at me from across the small wooden table we had ended up sitting at, in this nearby cozy cafe. Apparently, I was in the mood for some pancakes (which I'm normally not). So Alastair brought me here to this small cafe, somewhere behind his campus, and surprisingly the pancakes here were actually really good.

"It doesn't break this time of the month." He replied, still staring at me a little thoughtfully. "But we should start with the ice rink. We'll visit the lake once you learn to hold your balance on ice."

I agreed because yes, I trusted him more than I trusted myself. At least on the ice.

When we reached the ice rink, it was warmer in there than outside. Even when I was still in last night's clothes, paired with Alastair's hoodie on top, I was still grateful for some warmth. It used to get cold back in my town, especially around this time of the year, but the cold here was far more harsh than the cold in New York.

"This is gonna be hard," I mumbled as I put on my skates, trying not to wobble in my seat. It didn't help even in the slightest when I saw that Alas had already put on his and had no such difficulty like I was having.

I stood up shakily.

"I'm gonna fall down so ba--" The words died in my throat when I slid forward, not too much since Alastair swiftly grabbed my shoulders and pushed me down on the benched seat again.

"Ophelia," He passed me a look of disbelief before kneeling down and tying my laces. "You wait for me before standing up. Did I not just tell you that?"

"You did, but--"

"And you didn't even care to tie these?" He gave me another glance of disbelief before doing my other shoe.

"I was about to." I raised my hands up in the air before they fell down by my sides again.

"After standing up?" He didn't even bother to look up at me this time.

I lightly shoved him on the shoulder, which clearly had no effect since he didn't even move a little, and replied, "Don't be so snarky with me."

He rolled his eyes half-heartedly before standing up once again. I looked at him in awe and frustration, both, when he didn't even stumble once. How come I couldn't be half as graceful as him?

I knew this was my first time skating and I probably shouldn't be so hard on myself, but that's just how I was. I did not like when I failed to do something--something that I've actually wanted to do my whole life--properly. It pissed me off.

"Now hold on to my hands." He held out both of his palms towards me and I took hold of them just as quickly with my gloved ones, gripping them as I stood up.

As expected, my knees buckled and I slid forward. Again. 

However, Alastair grabbed my waist before both of us could've ended up on the floor.

"We aren't even on the ice yet!" I whispered incredulously.

Alastair laughed softly and helped me regain my balance. "It's all right. I'll teach you in no time."

He clearly didn't know what a messy trap he was pulling himself into when he said that. Not when I failed to keep a hold on my balance, even after almost half an hour of him trying to teach me how.

"I'm a living and breathing embarrassment," I concluded as I sat there on the ice, not even caring to get up since this was probably the fiftieth time I had fallen down. I was pissed off and so tired and I did not like that I couldn't skate.

Thank the Lord there was almost no one on the rink except for a few children. Even they were better than me.

Alastair stepped in front of me. "If you are living, you are technically breathing."

I passed him a wounded look for finding amusement in this situation.

He grinned and extended his hands towards me again. 

"Come on. Don't just give up now."

"I think I will." I frowned and leaned back with both of my gloved hands on either side of me, on the slippery ice. "This is just too hard." I hated giving up like this, I really did, but I just couldn't help it. 

Perhaps ice skating and I weren't meant to be.

"It isn't. Come on now." He didn't pull back his extended hands, looking a lot more determined than I felt. "You just need a little push."

I gripped his hands with a sigh and let him pull me up. "I hope you don't mean that in a literal sense. Because I've been falling enough to give up on my already wounded dignity."

I gripped onto his sweatshirt with one hand, while my other clutched his shoulder. 

"I'm not even kidding when I say I can't feel my butt anymore. It's frozen numb." I added.

Alastair chuckled in my ear and slowly skated backwards, firmly holding onto me. "Is it now?" He asked. I didn't really get what he meant by that until one of his hands trailed lower down my waist, stopping just near my butt.

"Alas!" I hissed with wide, surprised eyes, abruptly trying to pull away and momentarily forgetting that I was wearing skates that were so not going along with me. Alastair, thankfully, prevented the fall by keeping a firm hold on me. 

And yes, he was laughing.

"You are so fucking inappropriate sometimes," I muttered in disbelief, giving him a furious glance, which probably didn't look furious at all judging by the way my face was heating up at that moment and the way I was trying so hard not to laugh along with him.

Dipping his head just a little, he pressed his cold lips near my jaw, still smiling. "Am I really?"

I ended up losing my balance again, this time enough to pull him down with me. I probably would have fractured my hip bone or something else if Alastair hadn't taken the hit, pulling me on top of him at the very last second, which proved to be much warmer and snugger than that freaking ice.

Placing my gloved hands on the ice on either side of him, I tried pulling my face up from his chest, but my hands slipped and I fell back onto him.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry," I said, which went muffled into his shirt. It sounded like I had a few of those really large white marshmallows stuffed in my mouth.

Alastair only responded with a laugh and an 'Ow' in between.

"I'm so sorry." I looked at him with wide eyes when I finally managed to pull away, enough to look down at him. "Are you hurt? I told you this was not a good idea!"

And then I realized he was trying to hold back another laugh, his bright grey eyes sparkling like diamonds.

"I'm having fun." He said, emphasizing the last word, his hands finding my waist. "Besides, I got you to straddle me. That's pretty--"

"Don't." I glared at him, rolling over and flopping down on the ice beside him. "I was trying to be a good person and you had to say something like that."

He chuckled softly, his hand finding mine and wrapping around the same gloves that he had made sure I wore right before we left his dorm--almost as if he knew I would be fucking shit up here.

"Ophelia?"

I looked over at him, trying to frown but failing when I saw the smile on his face.

"I really love spending time with you." He said.

Me too, I wanted to say. But all I did was squeeze back his hand in response, hoping he'd hear those words even in my silence.

******

"Isn't that like a crime though?" I asked, totally rambling at this point and not even noticing that Alastair had already stopped driving when we reached Luce's apartment.

"Why would he go back in time and leave all that behind?" I questioned, my brows furrowed. "What happened to the end of the line? He left his best friend. I mean, I get it that Iron Man was dead, but still. Why would he go back for that one freaking dance?"

Alastair was leaning back in his seat, eyeing me all the while with that slight tilt to his head. He blinked, realizing that I was waiting for an answer, and shrugged. 

"I don't know. I never really watched those movies."

I gasped. "Oh no, Alas."

"What?" He had a small smile playing on his lips, waiting.

I shook my head. 

"You're missing out on good shit, dude." Then my eyes widened when a thought hit me. "Hey, you know what that means! We'll have to do a movie night. A quick movie marathon since I would have to fill you up on a lot."

He seemed amused, but somewhere in between my response, he ended up narrowing his eyes at me.

"Did you just dude-ed me?" He asked.

I tried stifling a laugh. "Is that even a word?"

"I'm pretty sure it's not." He smiled and straightened up when he saw me glancing out of the window.

I smiled back at him. 

"I should get going. Thanks for...you know, everything." And I didn't just mean this entire day. I meant last night too. And for not giving up on me, even though I was aware that there was a lot we still had left for later. A lot that would somehow come back to bite me in the ass.

But not right now, I thought, I wouldn't think about that right now. Not when I had spent a whole day with him and actually had fun without any overthinking. Maybe he knew that. Maybe that's exactly why he took me out on this little date.

"You don't have to thank me." He replied just as quickly before a small tired smile edged on his lips. Then he leaned back on the window behind him. "Though you can maybe give me a goodbye kiss?"

I inhaled softly. "Maybe?"

"Certainly."

"No, that would be too cheesy," I said. "And cliche."

"Rude."

"When you say it like that," I smiled, "I don't really wanna impose a rude impression."

Then I scooted to the end of my seat, towards him. There was this newfound bunch of confidence within me. Or maybe I was just starting to let go of that hesitation when he was around. As much as that thought was comforting, it was a little frightening too.

Because when I opened up too much, when I wasn't pretending anymore, things turned happier. And happiness never lasted long for me. 

That's why I was frightened.

Alastair's eyes followed my movements and when I momentarily stopped leaning closer towards him, suddenly thinking twice about my actions, the brightness in his eyes dimmed just a little.

"Ophelia," He murmured my name, reaching out his hand to softly brush his fingers against the side of my face, almost as if he knew the inner turmoil inside me.

He couldn't know, I thought. But what if he did?

I let him slowly pull me towards him, his arm wrapping around my waist when I was close enough. And when I was practically on his lap, a lot closer than before, he leaned down to place a soft peck on my lips.

My eyelids fluttered close, inhaling sharply. I was painfully aware of him, and it was painful to be so close to him, to feel that velvet touch of his lips when I knew this wasn't something I could hold onto.

"I want you, Ophelia," he whispered against my lips. "I want you more than any other thing in my life."

He kissed me much properly this time, a lot longer than before, almost as if he really wanted me to hold onto this. To hold onto him.

I breathed out shakily when he pulled away, opening my eyes. "I...thought this was just one kiss?"

"Something like that." He murmured before pulling me in for another kiss. I could only grasp his shoulders in response, letting him sweetly deepen the kiss.

My fingers trailed up in his soft black hair, curling into them, giving them a gentle tug. He responded by settling his hands on my hips, his teeth grazing my lower lip. I'm pretty sure I shuddered against him.

Alastair pulled away just a little, with the both of us breathing heavily.

His eyes searched for mine and I had to swallow down the strange feeling when I noticed the soft, lovestruck look in his eyes. It was something I wished I could capture in a picture. It was something I wished to keep with me forever. The raw, honest look made me feel like I was really worth something.

"Ophelia," He whispered, saying my name like all those other times he was near me. Like he loved saying my name. "I'm gonna touch you. Don't freak out, okay?"

The natural fear was there just for a fleeting moment and then it vanished when I nodded. I didn't want to care, not when he was looking at me like that. Not when all I could actually think about was to kiss him again.

That's exactly what I did. I kissed him this time. And the small smile I felt against my lips was enough for me to realize how much I liked this. Was this how love was supposed to feel like? Was this how my mum and dad felt when they were around each other? Was this how I was supposed to feel when I thought I loved Noah?

My breath seemed to hitch a little on its own accord when I felt Alas's hand inside my shirt, cold fingers against my bare back. I pulled away from his lips, sighing a little shakily.

"I love you." He whispered when I tried catching my breath. I saw the honest, almost vulnerable look in his eyes, his hand softly tracing along my back. I merely relaxed against him. "So fucking much."

Letting my hands fall limp between our chests, I buried my face in the crook of his neck. This felt nice, amazing, and beautiful. I wanted this for as long as I lived.

This is how love feels like, Ophelia.

I jumped a little when my phone chimed with a text notification. And then it chimed again. Pulling away from him a little, I picked it up from the center console and switched it on. The texts were from Luce.

Luce: it's all cute and shit

Luce: but quit the makeout sesh before it turns into YOU KNOW WHAT

Luce: also, i wasnt trying to stare but theres like a big fucking window in my apartment. Dont blame me.

Luce: come up though. I've got to talk about something.

The first three messages made me all hot in the face. If I could've blushed, I'd pretty much look like a tomato by now. The last message, however, made me frown a little.

"What's wrong?" Alastair asked, his eyes still on me.

"I gotta go." I sighed before passing him a smile. "Apparently, my sister can't keep her eyes to herself."

He smiled back at me, just as softly, before letting go of me as I started towards the door. I stopped before leaning back towards him and pressing my lips against his cheek.

"Goodnight, Alas."

When I had stepped past the opened front door, closing it behind me, I noticed that Luce was sitting on the couch and tapping her foot impatiently against the floor. The TV wasn't on, which wasn't odd since she never really watched it alone. But then I saw that she was frowning.

Something was wrong.

"Hey," I spoke up, breaking the tense silence. She looked up at me in surprise, but it went away just as quickly.

"What's up?" I tried acting casual but there was something definitely wrong. And I, for some reason, could've felt my heartbeat spiking up.

I got my answer to that pretty quickly.

"Lia, I...didn't mean to search around in your closet. I was just putting back your dry laundry but--" She stopped short before picking up something from beside her on the couch, something I hadn't noticed near her before. "Why do you have this?"

When I looked at the thing she was holding in her hand, I couldn't help but let my eyes widen in surprise.

She had a small box in her hands.

The same box I had taken from Alastair's dorm.

The one with the blades.