"see you
in my dreams, love."

“I'm going to Nora's for a sleepover,” I announced over dinner a few days later.

I didn't usually go over Nora's for sleepovers. The last sleepover we both had together, that I could remember, was when we were kids. When I hadn't pushed my only potential best friend away from me, and when she hadn’t left me for the school’s stereotypical popularity.

It had been Tara, surprisingly, who suggested a sleepover. Steph agreed to it right after since it was a great way for us to come up with ideas for the fundraising art festival. Nora didn't mind either since she loved sleepovers. So I agreed too. A great way for some distraction. 

Besides, I had a feeling Nora wouldn’t have let me off the hook so easily if I refused the idea of a sleepover. She was already suspecting, I think, especially after our little talk in the library. I didn't think it was a big deal that I was having trouble falling asleep for the past month. Or at least I was trying not to make it a big deal. But if I told Nora, I knew she'd make it a big deal.

I was fine, wasn't I?

“A sleepover?” Dad spoke up, raising a brow in question, right when Mum placed the salad dish on the table. 

“You haven't had a sleepover in ages,” Mum added.

Our family dinners were one thing that I think I looked forward to ever since I was a kid. Mainly because everyone was here. Mum, Dad, Helen, Mason, and I. A lively atmosphere in our cosy little home. Warm spicy smells wafted from the kitchen as Mum brought out the dishes. The usual banter between Mason, Helen and I. It was a time where we all were together. Like a perfect family.

Not Luce though, I reminded myself. Luce wasn’t here.

Perhaps that was another one of the reasons I didn’t feel as happy as I did during these family dinners. Tiny little reasons. Luce wasn’t here like she used to be. Mum and Dad didn’t love each other anymore. I was having nightmares about my dead boyfriend. Mason came crying into my bed almost every night now when he heard Mum and Dad fighting downstairs. Helen was turning into an even bitchier sister, spending hours outside, doing God knows what, even when she had her semester starting in a few weeks. Dad was getting even busier in his work. Mum and I were growing apart too. I didn’t give her my morning hugs anymore. She didn’t come up to my room every night to check up on me either. Everything was falling apart. I was falling apart.

So much was wrong, yet everyone acted like it was all fine.

Fake. We were pretending. 

“She would if she had friends.” That was Helen.

“I have friends.” I passed her a glare. “That's why I'm going to a sleepover, Helen.”

Mason snickered and got a whack on the back of his head by none other than you-know-who.

“Mom!” He shouted. I almost winced at the way it made my brain rattle. “Helen is hitting me!”

Sighing, I dug into my food, wanting to just get up and head back into my room.

“Helen quit it.” Mum scolded before looking back at me. “So, I assume that things are going well?”

I glanced up at her but didn't reply. Besides, my mouth was full anyway. And I didn't quite understand what she wanted me to say.

“Why wouldn't they be well?” Helen asked. I even felt Dad’s gaze on me, but I ignored it.

Mum just shrugged at that. I had a feeling she wanted to say more, but she didn't. It always seemed like she wanted to say something to me, something that was going a lot in her head--ever since I returned from Oak Valley. She never really spoke up about it, though. And I still sometimes wondered how much Luce had told her.

Did she know about Alastair?

“A sleepover sounds good.” Mum looked at me with a smile. “You should go.”

“Can I come with you too, Lia?” Mason asked me with his big brown eyes; a pleading look that he was hell-bent on believing worked on me.

“It's a girl's sleepover, Mase.” Helen scrunched up her nose at him. “What the hell will you be doing there?”

Mason pouted at that. He couldn’t come with me anyway. He had school tomorrow, early in the morning. I didn’t, on the other hand; I had classes in the afternoon. Besides, I knew why he wanted to come with me. As I said, Mum and Dad’s constant fights scared him, just like they used to scare me when they first started. Mason had started sleeping with me since then. 

He hated sleeping alone those nights. I didn't sleep at all those nights.

Scary, I know.

“It's just one night, Mase,” I told him softly, fixing my gaze on him. “I'll be back tomorrow.”

This time, Helen snickered. “What, are you telling me you both are still too scared to sleep alone?”

I never really blamed my sister for being such a bitch, not when she was probably born that way. But sometimes, she got on my nerves. I never understood why we didn’t have a decent relationship like other siblings. Only if she once tried being a little nice, I thought. But then again, I never tried either. Maybe this fucked up relationship with my sister was one of my many faults. If only I had tried understanding her, being there for her.

“You can sleep with me, sweetie.” Mum glanced at Mason, frowning just a little. “You didn't tell me you were having nightmares again.”

I nearly smiled at the irony. Nightmares, yeah. 

Mason wasn't the one having nightmares. I was the one having them; nightmares that kept me awake all night. The fear too, the fear of not wanting to see a nightmare again. The fear of knowing that if I closed my eyes shut, I’d see it again.

I never used to have nightmares.

“Lia, you didn't finish.” Mum frowned at me, then at my plate as I stood up from the table. “What's going on with you lately? You barely finish your food these days.”

I felt most of the eyes on me.

“Guess I'm just not hungry these days, Mum.” I shrugged her off.

Not a lie, I realised. I barely felt hungry these days. Maybe it had something to do with my lack of sleep. 

That, however, didn't mean I was off the hook.

Mum later cornered me in the kitchen as I was drying the newly washed dishes away (Thursdays were my days to wash the dishes) and asked me what the fuck was going on with me. Except for the f word because obviously, Mum hated swearing.

“Nothing’s going on with me,” I replied in a robotically nonchalant way--something that was deep down starting to concern me. I couldn't even count how many times I had said these words, ever since the nightmares started. 

“Lia,” Mum placed a hand on my shoulder and turned me around from the dishes, making me face her. She had her brows furrowed in what I assumed was worry. “You were...doing so fine the first few months you came back from there.”

I blinked at her, feeling my heart racing just a little.

“What are you talking about, Mum?” I asked her. It was almost a whisper that came out of my lips.

She pursed her lips yet her gaze did not waver away from mine. I wished Mason would come in here, Helen even, to break off this tense silence. I hated this. I hated that Mum was doing this.

“Sweetheart, I’m talking about what happened there.” Her voice was soft, slow, careful. I hated it. “I know it was cruel of me to not talk to you about it, to not let you talk to me about it. But you know I'm here for you, right?”

I stared at her blankly.

“Mum, I don't know what you’re talking about.” Fake it. Pretend. Forget.

She could see right through me. Because she was my mum.

“Ophelia--”

“Don’t.” I didn't realise I had snapped a little too harshly, not until I saw her eyes widening in surprise. My heart was thudding in my chest, taunting me so loudly. I was afraid Mum could hear it. “Don't...call me that.”

Mum frowned. “Okay.”

Okay.

“Are you all right?” She asked me tentatively.

“Yeah,” I said.

We left it at that.