"dear heart,
please let
these feelings
fade."

Steph: all she told us was that she needs to talk to you.

Nora.

"I can't believe this," Luce murmured for the seventh time since I had joined her for breakfast. I wanted to do anything but have breakfast right now. Not when I felt like throwing up a little.

I switched off my phone and placed it aside, shifting uneasily. I didn't know what I felt so tense about: the last text that I got from Steph, or the direction this conversation with Luce was heading off to.

"Why wasn't anyone supervising the security area? Why wasn't I there?" She asked. The way she was scowling right now, she was obviously blaming herself. "Why didn't you call me, Lia? Or like, any other staff?"

I merely shrugged in response. I was still left a bit unsettled from last night.

"But...it's not your fault." She shook her head but managed to pass me a small, reassuring smile. The worry was still there. I couldn't blame her. "You handled it very well, Lia. Thank you."

Why was she thanking me?

I hadn't handled it very well, I wanted to tell her. I hadn't even known what to do when Alastair started panicking like that. There was something about that music that had got him so frightened. But why?

"Do you think there was a particular reason that caused it?" I asked Luce in a small voice. She didn't know about the song on the Walkman. Nobody knew, except for me. And it wasn't like I was planning on telling anyone about it, not anytime soon.

Luce glanced at me and shook her head.

"What happened to him?" I asked her in just a whisper, a quiet one, though Luce obviously heard it. I grew a little conscious of her stare.

"What do you mean?"

Fidgeting with the silver ring that I usually wore, a silver zigzag band, I decided that it was time I ask her the question that I had been wanting to ask her for days.

"Tell me about him, Luce," I said. "Why...How did he end up here?"

She seemed to realize what I was asking and her shoulders slumped a little. Both of our plates had been left untouched for a while now. I think she didn't feel like eating right now either.

"It's confidential," she whispered, her gaze directed to her plate. "And I know we're supposed to give out the patient's background to the working staff at least, but I'm not allowed to. Besides, I don't think it's my place to tell you, Lia. And I don't think..."

I furrowed my brows just a little as she trailed off.

"I think I may not know much myself." She seemed a little miserable now. "I know it's strange and I can't believe it either sometimes. I...took pride in myself because I helped fixing people. I helped people fix themselves. It made me happy about this job, right here. This made me happy."

I could feel my heart swell with a warm feeling, all towards my sister.

"And you're my biggest inspiration, Luce." I leaned towards her, my eyes on her all the while. It was the truth and not my first time saying it. "The things you do for others make me so proud to call you my sister."

She smiled at me but it came out a little sad. "Alastair's different, Lia. Yesterday was probably my fifteenth therapy session with him. He's still...closed off."

It's like he doesn't want to be helped, I remembered her words.

"He's not opening up. Keeping everything within himself. I was hoping I could help, but...only time can heal, I guess." She murmured with a sigh. "We're all here for him till then."

I stared at her, watching the way her shoulders seemed to deflate from all the previous tension.

"What about his aunt?" I asked her. "Doesn't she know anything that led him to...to take his own life." Even saying it out loud seemed to get me all uneasy. I didn't like saying it out loud. Not when I was starting to look forward to meeting Alastair every passing day. The thought of him just leaving was unsettling.

Luce seemed a little surprised when she looked up at me. "How do you-?"

"He told me," I said.

"He told you," She repeated, sounding a little taken aback. "She...she doesn't know anything either. We're all equally clueless. I think that's majorly what's taking a toll on his mother." His mother. She didn't even try correcting herself.

"When it happened recently, the police were involved. They're still involved but much less than before. They tried claiming it as an attempt at murder, especially since the Hawthornes seem to have many rivalries going around. You know how it goes with business."

"But it was pretty clear," She continued, falling silent for a few seconds, contemplating. "The slashes on his wrist. The amount of self-harm he had inflicted upon himself. The alcohol abuse. The whole drowning incident when he's a pretty good swimmer himself. All of that shows that he wanted to do this. That's what they don't want to accept, the people, the media, even his own mother."

I found myself thinking about Maria and Mrs. Hawthorne and that ginger girl--Gwyn. I was left a little surprised, especially since I hadn't known about most of this stuff. "Oh."

Both of us remained silent for a while. I didn't really know what I felt exactly. Confused mostly, but sad too.

"Do you think he'll be leaving the sanitarium soon?" I asked her, remembering the time back in the yard when I had taken Alastair out of his room. The snowy yard. The hidden frustration and anger in his voice when he'd told me that he wanted to get out of there, those hospital boundaries.

He hated it there.

"I don't know, Lia," Luce spoke up, her voice coming muffled as she rubbed her face. "With his condition, I don't think so. But I know we can't keep him there for long. It's already been two weeks. If his family wants him out, I don't think we can do anything about that."

I looked down at my phone, at the black screen.

"He doesn't like it there." It was just a whisper that escaped my lips. Luce caught it anyway. "He told me that he...he wanted to leave the hospital."

What Luce said in response was far more stranger. "Isn't it a bit strange that he's been opening up to you more than any one of us. The people that he should open up to."

I was quick to take offense even though I'm sure she didn't mean it like that. "What do you mean?"

Her gaze softened and she placed down her spoon.

"If I haven't mentioned this before, which I'm sure I must've, he barely talks, Lia. I ask him a question and he ignores it like I'm not even there."

"He does that to me too," I told her a bit quickly.

"I know. But he also feels like...he should trust you and at the same time, I think he's stuck between yes or no. He wants to, he knows that he should, but something's stopping him."

I looked away uneasily. "Maybe he just has serious trust issues?"

She seemed a little lost in her thoughts. "That could be it. He's just scared. And...for what I've gained so far, I think he's more scared to ask for help than anything else."

I already knew that, I wanted to say. I knew the helpless look in his eyes. I knew that because I saw it last night. It had been engraved right behind my own eyes for hours now. The fear and confusion, every time I thought about it, it made my heart race a little more.

"Do you think he can eventually open up to me?"

She looked up at me with this strange sort of fondness in her eyes. Was it towards me?

"Off-topic but I've always liked this about you," she said.

"Liked what?" I asked, growing a little uneasy under her gaze.

"Helping people. You like helping people."

"Everyone likes doing that. Don't you like helping people?"

She smiled and looked away. "Most of the people I know do it out of mere responsibility, or maybe because they know they'll get something in return," She said. "But you do it because you want to. There's a major difference, Lia."

I glanced down at my plate. She wasn't right, not entirely. I didn't just help out of mere goodness. I did it because it made me feel a little less useless. I did it because I wanted to feel like I was worth something. I helped people just because of me, just so that I'd know that I wasn't truly a messed-up person. It helped me be sane.

All selfish reasons. I wasn't selfless.

Helping Alastair was different, though. I wanted to help him because I could see how much he needed it. No one else saw how much he needed it. I did. I did because I knew how it felt like.

"He'll open up, Lia," Luce told me. "I think he will open up to you."

°°°°°

I silently walked across psych unit 200, down the empty hallway, with my hands stuffed in the huge white pockets of the lab coat I was wearing. I tried not to cringe thinking about it.

For some very unknown reason, Luce had been so adamantly persuasive for me to wear it today. Try it for a day, she had said. I tried it in front of my bedroom mirror. And what a shocker! It still looked like the coat was awfully large, when it really wasn't. The problem was me.

It made me look so pale and thin and just disgusting. I hated it. Luce, on the other hand, told me that I looked amazing. And the large beam on her face forced me to swallow down all the insecurities I felt at that very moment. I sucked it up and wore it for the day.

How freaking amazing.

When I entered Alastair's room after a decent knock this time (unlike last night), I realized that once again Alastair wasn't the only one in the room.

It wasn't Luce this time. It was Wren--the other part-time aide who checked up on him before my shift. She was a few years older than me but just as nice as everybody else amongst the staff. I hadn't really talked to her before so it was a bit awkward.

But since awkward could've also been my middle name, it wasn't that much of a mess.

I was expecting both of them to look up at me, but it was just Wren who did. And a small part of me felt a little disappointed when Alastair didn't.

Wren passed me a warm smile. "Lia! Good that you're here. I was just waiting for you."

I didn't know why she was waiting for me and I didn't really get to ask her either. Because right when she said my name, Alastair looked up at me. And even though it was just a small glance, it still made me feel a little warm and a little happy.

This is pathetic, I told myself.

I trained my gaze back at Wren and tried controlling the grin on my face. I didn't think I have ever grinned at someone that I barely even knew. Wren raised her brows at me but kept smiling nonetheless.

"You seem happy. What's the occasion?" She asked once she had cornered me. She didn't even have to corner me, though. Alastair never really paid attention to anything else other than that head of his.

"No such reason, honestly." I gave her a sheepish look.

She laughed and grabbed her coat. "Okay, I'll get going then. I've checked up on the monitors and they seem fine. I've done the usual too. Oh, but yeah," She jerked her head subtly towards his direction and lowered her voice. "He didn't let me change the bandage. See if you can do anything, yeah?"

I nodded.

"Bye." She passed me another smile before leaving.

I watched her leave before walking over towards Alastair. I didn't even realize until now how badly I wanted to bombard him with questions--about last night specifically--but I didn't want to scare him off either.

"Hey," I smiled a little. "How are you doing?"

It was a bit surprising that it didn't take him long to reply. I stopped near the armchair when he spoke up bluntly, "You look like the rest of them." And he said it with this...hint of disgust. It left me stunned because I'd never seen him talking to anyone that way.

Consciously, I pulled the ends of my coat closer against myself, and the smile on my lips wavered, threatening to fall off any second. "What?"

He looked up and his gaze was narrowed. The look in his eyes was what surprised me. "The bloody white coat." I felt the smile slipping off my lips. If he noticed, the stone-cold look in his eyes didn't even seem to waver.

"Well, I am one of them," I murmured. "I don't understand what's so surprising about that?" And then I walked towards the other side of the room, diverting my gaze, urging myself not to think too much over it. Over the look in his eyes. Over the disgust in his voice.

But how was I not supposed to? Was this about last night? Did he suddenly hate me now? It made sense because a lot of people got like that around me, but it also never really happened until I did something to mess it up. And things last night, hadn't they turned out well in the end?

When he didn't say anything, I added in further, trying a little desperately to change the topic, "Are you all right?"

He said nothing in response and when I turned around to look at him, he didn't even spare me a glance.

I pursed my lips, trying not fidget as I frowned. "What's wrong?"

I heard him inhaling sharply before leaning back on the pillows and looking up at the ceiling. "You," he said. "You need to stop talking."

My eyes widened a little. It seemed like the Alastair I had seen last night was nowhere near the one I was with right now. I pressed my back against the wall and eyed him cautiously. He was fidgeting a little with his bandage. I knew when he did that, he either wanted to take it off or he just felt restless.

"Do you...want me to change your bandage?"

"I want you to shut up and leave!" He said out loud and I didn't realize how much it took me by surprise until a tiny flinch escaped my lips.

My face heated up and I set my jaw, straightening up. "Fine." I snapped, which I probably shouldn't have. "I hope you enjoy the fucking silence."

I was angry and sad when I left his room and slumped down on one of the waiting benches out in the hallway.

Wasn't I just trying to help him? It hadn't seemed like he'd been shouting at Wren. It almost looked like it was me in specific that he had wanted to shout at. Was I being too pushy? Clingy? Could it be that I was making him feel suffocated by my questions and my presence?

I stood up and walked away from his room, feeling my lips tugging downwards at the corners. I wasn't welcomed there. I wouldn't go back in there. Not right now.

Jim met me halfway on my way towards the elevator.

"Lia, hey! What a pleasant surprise!" He stated a little too dramatically before slinging an arm around my shoulders. "What's up? How's life going? Seems like we haven't been talking much lately."

I wiped the frown off my face but still didn't say anything. I didn't feel like talking.

"You know, I've been meaning to ask you something. Do you think your sister would agree if I asked her out on a date?" He asked. I felt a little surprised, but it was less than the anger and hurt I felt at that moment. "Would she say yes? I suppose she wouldn't. She's always so much into her work. I've seen that woman turning down so many men. I'm lowkey scared for the rejection, Lia."

I kept my eyes down on the ground and followed him inside the elevator. He finally seemed to catch up on my downcast look.

"What happened?" He asked, pulling his arm away from my shoulders to press the elevator button. "You look like someone crushed all your biggest hopes and dreams."

I looked up at him and managed a small, weak smile. "Nothing much, what about you?"

"Are you telling me that you didn't hear me rant back there?"

My eyes widened and I shook my head. "Of course not. I was listening. Why wouldn't I?"

"Maybe because you look so distracted?" He suggested and his eyes turned questioning. "What happened?"

I kept quiet for a while but felt too embarrassed to tell him that Alastair had practically kicked me out of his room. "Nothing," I repeated. "I'm just a...little out of it." Ironic how Wren had just told me how cheerful I looked.

Jim hummed and the elevator doors opened. I didn't know where we were going until I stepped out and realized that we were up on the hospital's very huge and open roof. The crisp night air hit me like thin shards of ice and I shivered.

"Wow," I murmured and wrapped my arms around myself, a bit cold now that we were in the open air. "I've never been here before."

"It's a bit scary actually," Jim added before going over towards a small compact room at one corner. It seemed like a storeroom. He returned with a white box filled with identical files.

"I needed this," He told me with a grin while holding up the box. "Let's go."

"I think I'll stay here for a little while," I told him as he headed for the elevator. He turned back around and eyed me with a frown. "It's nice here." I didn't tell him that I had a thing for rooftops at night.

He faced me fully and shrugged. "Yeah, well, I don't think I should leave you here. It's a bit dangerous. The edges are slippery and you could most definitely fall down to your death."

"Wow, you're direct," I stated. He just grinned in response. "I'll be careful. Promise. Just don't tell Luce about it."

He seemed a little unsure but nodded anyway. He was way more chill than Luce could ever be. With that going through my mind, I stopped him before he could've entered the elevator. "Wait."

He turned around once again.

"I think you should ask her out. And if you're taking suggestions, I think you should take her out to that famous Italian restaurant she loves so much."

He beamed at that.

"She totally loves to check out the hot waiter there."

He burst out laughing. "Thanks, Lia. Remind me to never ask you about such stuff."

I was smiling by the time he left. And then I was all alone. I couldn't find it in me to smile again after that as I quietly walked across the empty rooftop, nearing the edge before sitting down and dangling my legs over it.

Jim had warned me not to, but I couldn't not do that. It was peaceful and silent up here. That's mainly what I loved about rooftops. They were a nice place to be when you felt like shit.

I looked down at the white coat I was wearing and let out a heavy sigh. Did I really look so bad in this that Alastair had seemed like he needed to shout at me?

Why not, I thought, everyone felt like pointing it out once in a while. Nothing about that should feel surprising anymore.

I blinked down the edge, before shifting a little and slowly shrugging off my coat.

Another small shiver ran up my spine, now that I was wearing no coat, but the long-sleeved sweater that I was wearing inside was just fine. I pushed aside the coat and leaned back a little, supporting my weight with my palms on either side of me. The moon wasn't really visible up there, hidden somewhere between the clouds, hiding from the eyes of everyone. I liked when the moon did that.

Sometimes, I wished I could hide away forever too.

I found that hilarious, enough to let out a small breath of a laugh. Wasn't I already doing that? Up on this rooftop and hiding away from everyone?

A small leaf blew along with the wind and fell down on my lap. I found myself holding onto its dead orange corners, wanting to take a picture of it. I wished I could've brought my camera here.

That's exactly when my phone rang. I took it out and noticed Mum's name flashing on the screen.

"Hey, Mum," I answered with a small smile.

"Hello, honey. How are you?" I heard her voice and it made me miss her and home. "It's been days since you called, Lia. Is everything all right there?" Not wasting a second before bombarding me with questions. She had that common with Luce.

"Yeah, Mum, everything's perfect." I chuckled softly. "What about you? I kinda miss you."

"Kinda?"

I grinned, feeling this invisible weight pulling off my shoulders. "It's amazing here, Mum. You'd love Oak Valley too if you were here." I told her, my voice soft, just like the way I was trailing my fingers against the leaf in my hand. "Anyway, how's Mase? And Helen? And Dad?"

"The usual," she said. "Mase has been throwing a few tantrums lately. And your dad, well, he's busy at work like always."

I hummed in response and closed my eyes.

"Have you been eating well?" She asked and I bit the inside of my cheek, holding back a groan.

"Yeah, Mum." It seemed a little important to change the subject right now--I just didn't know how. I tried thinking of something else to talk about but came up empty. And then I had this sudden urge to jump off the edge of this rooftop. How easy would that be?

Mum thankfully cut me off first. "Oh yes, I forgot to tell you about this. Your friend, what's her name again? Ah yes, Nora. She came by the house a few days ago."

Perhaps jumping down from this very slippery edge wouldn't be so bad after all.

"She's...not really my friend, Mum," I murmured lowly.

"She isn't?" Mum sounded confused. "Well, she seemed a bit disappointed when I informed her about your whereabouts. Though I did give her your number and she said she'd call you."

I felt my mouth going dry. "Mum, why would you give her my number?"

"Because you two have been best friends for so long?"

I couldn't believe this. "Mum, she's not my friend anymore!"

She finally seemed to get it. "Why? What happened between you two?" And then I realized that I should've just kept my mouth shut.

"Nothing," I said and looked around uneasily. I wish I knew how to not trap myself in such situations. "Actually, I've got to take another call. I'll call you later, yeah?" I wasn't even kidding, fortunately, when I felt my phone buzzing with another incoming call.

Mum ended the call, albeit a bit reluctantly, and I answered the waiting one, "Hello?"

"Lia, where are you?" It was Luce. She sounded a little pissed.

"Why?" I asked, glancing down at converse as I knocked them against the edge of the rooftop.

"I asked you something first." It sounded like a hiss.

"I...I'm up at the rooftop."

"What?" She definitely sounded like she was about to murder someone. I hoped to God it wasn't me. "Lia! Not up there! And at this time of the night? Are you seriously out of you mind?"

"It's fine." I reassured her. "It's nice up here. I like it."

I heard her inhale deeply. "Lia, you were supposed to be with Alastair."

I frowned at his name. "I needed a break. What's wrong with that?"

"You could've asked someone else to be there while you were having a break, Lia," She whispered and I had a feeling she was gritting her teeth. What was up with her anyway? "You can't just--he's not letting anyone check up on him."

I scrunched up my nose, trying to rub at the tingle that spread through it. "Yeah well, did it ever cross your mind that he may have not-so-politely asked me to shut the fuck up too?"

And leave, he had shouted at me to leave too.

She went silent at that. "What?"

"Yeah." I stretched out the word, them muttered as an afterthought, "He was being a bitch."

"Lia--"

"I'm sorry, Luce, but not right now, okay?" Not when I was seconds away from jumping down a roof. A very critical situation, in my opinion. I frowned then. "I don't...I don't want to go back there when he doesn't even want me to be there. It's embarrassing. I don't like being shouted at."

"Lia." She sighed. "I get it and I don't blame you. I've got...well, I've got some other staff over here but--"

"So he isn't being a bitch anymore?" I scoffed. Why me, though? What had I done wrong?

"Lia." I heard the warning in her voice. "You left him unsupervised. I miraculously decided to check up on you both and I saw his hand bleeding. You can't just leave him alone like that when it was your shift."

"His hand's..." I trailed off, heart skipping a heavy, painful beat. "What did you say?"

"He punched one of the walls. His hand's bleeding."

"Oh," I whispered, feeling the dread slowly making its way around my throat. "I...I'm sorry. I didn't know he would--"

"Lia, hey, it's fine." That didn't really make me feel any better. It wasn't fine. "It's not your fault, I get it. He hasn't really been in a good mood since this morning, Wren told me. But...just be more careful."

I nodded even though she couldn't see me.

"Can I..." I trailed off. "Never mind. I'll see you later." And then I ended the call even before she could've said anything else.

I was so dumb and stupid and such an idiot, I thought. I messed things up all the damn time. What the fuck was wrong with me? I shouldn't have taken his words to heart. He obviously didn't mean them. And why in the absolute hell had I left him alone, especially after last night?

Slowly as seconds passed by I started feeling even more horrible than before. God, why was I so stupidly sensitive to everything?

I jumped up a little when my phone rang again, almost slipping closer to the edge. Shrinking away a little, I looked down at the dark backyard and realized that I might just not want to die right now.

It was Luce again.

"Why did you end the call? I wasn't done talking." Were her first few words.

"I thought you were," I mumbled quietly.

"Lia." She stretched out my name in an almost silent plea. "Come down here. Help me out, please. He isn't letting anyone bandage his hand. We can't give him any more tranquilizers when he's had enough of them after what happened last night."

The panic attack. The guilt came out of nowhere then.

"What makes you think he'd be any happy to see me?"

"Ophelia--"

I grimaced. "Fine, God, I'll come down. Just...stop saying my name in the hallways, please."

When I got down from the roof and reached the familiar hallway, I almost retreated back when I saw Luce and Jim, both, outside Alastair's room.

"Hey," I murmured before stopping near them.

Luce looked up at me and seemed relieved.

"Thank God. What took you so long?" When I didn't reply, she just sighed and gestured for me to go into the room. "Go on, we'll wait here. If...something happens just shout my name."

I looked over at Jim and he seemed a bit tense too. Telling Luce to hold my coat, I opened the door before quietly going inside. A sorry was right on the tip of my tongue, ready to fall out any second, and as I ventured inside, I realized why they both had seemed tense.

It looked like someone had trashed the entire room, and that's saying something when there wasn't even much in this room to begin with.

I looked up at Alastair and he was sitting on the edge of his bed, his hands on either side of him, his head hung low. Just like the room, he looked disheveled as well. And I felt so bad.

Stepping over the pillow, which was thrown on the floor, and the scrunched-up bed sheets, I cautiously walked towards him.

"Hey, are you--" I stopped abruptly when I remembered his earlier reply to that question. "Alas?"

He looked up at me and I glanced down at his hand. His knuckles were matted with blood. It made me feel nauseous, even though I wasn't one to faint at the sight of blood. It wasn't the blood that made me feel nauseous. The fact that he'd done it to himself was what made me feel that way.

I slowly sat down on the armchair and hoped that he wouldn't kick me out again. All the while, his stare remained on me. The way he clenched his jaw told me that he was furious, but at the same time, I saw the fear in his eyes, the way his shoulders tensed when I neared closer. Both were so opposite.

"Would you let me see your hand?" I asked him, keeping my voice soft and my eyes on him all the while.

"No." His voice came out small, and rough, and so scared. I felt my heart lurching out towards him. And I remembered, I remembered this one time I'd found a tiny little bird outside Mum's flower shop, chirping quietly and frantically with an injured little wing. The bird had been scared when I'd tried to near it.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you." I blurted out and winced softly. "I didn't mean to." Then I stretched out my hand towards him. He stared down at it, looking a little confused. "Let me bandage it up for you?"

He stared at me for a while and I saw his jaw relaxing and his posture getting less stiffer. His hair was in a disarray, almost as if he had been running his hands through it a lot. His whole appearance seemed disheveled.

"You didn't leave?" I heard the disbelief in his voice, something that he wasn't even trying to hide right now. He looked exhausted, I realized. Tired.

I shrugged. "Of course not." He seemed to relax a bit more at that. I realized that maybe he didn't like the silence either.

"I was up at the rooftop actually. It was nice there. A bit cold, but when isn't it cold here?" I added in a small smile. He just kept on staring at me with those eyes. Transfixed. "Also, I found this there," I told him before taking out the small leaf from my pocket, the one that had somehow fallen on me. I held it out to him and surprisingly enough, he took it with the other hand that wasn't bruised.

My eyes, once again, fell to the spot right above his wrist. Where the tattoo was. It took me a while to realize that it was a phrase inked into his skin, a phrase in a language that wasn't English.

What did it mean?

"A dead leaf," he murmured. I peeled my gaze away and nodded.

He looked up at me and I stared back expectantly. It took him a while before he relaxed even further, the tension dissolving from his shoulders, and slowly held out his bruised hand towards me. I smiled and picked up the wet towel placed on the counter. Then I took a gentle hold of his wrist.

He was still gazing down at the leaf in his other hand when I asked him the question, "why did you do it?"

"Do what?" He asked in the same low voice.

"Punch the wall?"

I saw him trailing his fingers along the edges of the leaf as I applied some antiseptic to the fresh bruises. Not just one, there were a lot of them scattered across his knuckles. He obviously hadn't punched the wall just once.

"There wasn't any other way to stop it," he whispered.

"Stop what?" I stopped wrapping the bandage and gazed up at him, my fingers still wrapped securely around his wrist.

"The anger."

Oh.

"And my thoughts."

I let out a small hum, especially since I didn't trust my mouth to say anything coherent at that moment.

"You aren't wearing the coat anymore." He pointed out and I felt his gaze on me.

"Yeah," I replied softly and finished wrapping up the bandage. "Why did you feel angry?"

If he noticed my subtle attempt at changing the subject, he said nothing about it. And I was relieved.

"I...I don't know," he said. "I just felt angry."

Once I was done with his hand, I let go of it and he pulled away, his gaze slowly trailing down to the new bandage. Both of his hands were bandaged now.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" I asked him, fidgeting a little with the scraps of the bandage in my hand. I could've just thrown them away but I needed something to hold.

Alastair's eyes found mine--those beautiful grey ones. I didn't even like that color. Grey wasn't like blue or yellow or any other pastel colors I loved. No, grey was dull and simple and just...plain. But in his eyes, I realized, it just looked so beautiful.

And it always took me a little by surprise--his eyes when they gazed right into my own.

I saw him parting his lips, wanting to say something, before closing them shut just as quickly. I was about to tell him not to feel pressured to do so when he really spoke up this time, "I felt angry because... I think..." He trailed off, a look passing over his features as if he thought it wasn't worth it. "Last night."

I sighed and leaned back, waiting for him to say anything more.

"You said you'd help me."

I perked up a little and nodded. "I will. I want to. But you need to start...opening up first."

He looked back at me blankly as if he seriously didn't understand a word that I just said.

I straightened up, a little too much when I felt our knees touching a little (but I ignored the way my heart skipped a beat), and looked at him.

"Tell me why you panicked last night," I said.

He seemed to understand it now since he tried to avoid my gaze. I noticed that he was still holding the leaf. Unlike anyone else in his position, he hadn't thrown it away or let go of it. A little part of me seemed to appreciate that.

"It was that music." It was a bare whisper that escaped his lips. The slight crease in between his brows told me that he was getting upset, or maybe even distressed.

I nodded slowly, encouragingly.

"I...I've heard it before," he added and his grey eyes flew back to mine. They seemed to look like a brewing storm, a frightening night.

"Where?" I asked him softly.

His eyes seemed to dart across my face in a slow, thoughtful manner, as if searching for something--as if trying to look into something. For some very unknown reason, that alone was enough to make my face heat up.

"I don't know." He sounded like he wasn't lying.

Which didn't make sense.

"Well, I'll tell you where I heard it first," I said anyway, training my gaze down at my hands. "I visited this library, the Great Library, and someone was playing it, that melody."

He seemed to tense up a little at that and it didn't go unnoticed by me.

"It was Rowan, the same friend who lent me the Walkman for you." I finished it by leaning my head back against the chair. I was slouching, having to look up at him since he was taller.

"How did he...how does he know about it?" Alastair asked me. He was frowning now. And his gaze on me seemed even more intense. Heated.

"He said he found a paper with the music notes written on it hidden deep in some old leatherbound book."

Alastair kept on frowning. I decided to try my luck.

"Last night, when you...you said something about a he. You were scared of someone." I was fidgeting with my hands. "Who were you talking about?"

He went silent at that. And he was still quiet when my eyes drifted towards him, realizing that he had his hands curled into fists. Was he angry?

"I don't know." That was his only reply. He didn't sound angry.

I exhaled deeply and nodded, knowing that there was no way I could get it out of him. He was lying, it was quite obvious, and I didn't think it was the right moment to ask him why.

I bit the inside of my lower lip and frowned a little at the white walls behind him. "How will I help you when I don't know what it is that you need help with?"

He unclenched his fists and I saw the leaf falling down from his grasp and on the floor. Leaning down a little, I picked it up and glanced over at his face. He was staring back but with a somewhat odd expression this time, a scrutinizing one.

I squirmed a little and my neck felt like it was on fire. Sitting up, I shrank back into the armchair.

His eyes went down to my hand before slowly trailing up to my face. He had a small furrow in between his brows as he stared at me, almost as if he couldn't figure something out.

What was he thinking? I wondered.

I saw him clenching and unclenching his fingers, and then it hit me so suddenly and I thought, oh. It wasn't anger. No, it was the curious glint in his eyes. He seemed to be stopping himself from doing something.

I consciously ran my tongue over my lips and registered how hot I was suddenly feeling in my sweater.

"What about your parents?" I blurted out, then cringed at the loud way I spoke.

The furrow left from between his brows and he almost seemed a little surprised.

"What about my parents?" He asked.

"Do they--are they...where are they?" I didn't know what was happening to me or why the hell was I stuttering, for God's sake. My head was getting a bit foggy with numerous thoughts and I felt too hot. I wished he'd look away. It felt like I wasn't breathing properly.

And then he leaned a little closer. My eyes widened in surprise and I realized that I was literally gripping the sides of my chair. My heart had already started to race. I think I was having all the symptoms of a freaking passing-out moment.

Oh please, dear Lord, save me from such an embarrassment.

"They're dead." He stated, then added with a small innocent tilt of his head, "Your eyes are brown."

A small, confused sound formed at the back of my throat.

One corner of his lips twitched slightly before he leaned even closer, until there were merely a few inches left between our faces. Until it was only the grey in his eyes that I could see.

"I thought they were black." He added.

I didn't think I had ever been so remarkably grateful when someone knocked on the door and came inside. However, what was even more embarrassing was the fact that Alastair didn't bother moving away until Luce was inside, Jim as well, and they were looking at us. My brain felt like it couldn't actually comprehend whatever that was happening.

Luce looked around before smiling. Perhaps she chose to ignore the heated atmosphere. While I was fucking sweating. When Alastair finally moved away, I still didn't exhale the breath that I had been holding.

"All's good, I told you." Jim nudged Luce lightly. "Anyway, I gotta check up on this other patient. Later." I don't really know who he said that to.

Once he was gone, Luce picked up the thrown pillows and placed them on the bed, warily eyeing Alastair and then me.

"What's wrong?" She asked. Everything, I almost said. Everything was wrong.

Since Alastair wouldn't have cared to reply anyway, I did.

"Nothing." It came out in a breathy whisper. I glanced over at Alastair and swallowed. There was a tiny smile ghosting across his lips. Luce didn't notice it, not as much as I seemed to be doing right then.

"You look like you just saw a ghost." Luce narrowed her eyes before walking towards the heart monitor. "I'm hoping you're a bit better, Alastair. I'll have to ask someone to fix...that." She frowned at the wall behind me, but it went away just as quickly.

I glanced over my shoulder and realized that the wall was messed up with blood--dried blood. I had obviously missed it on my way in.

"But no worries," she murmured. "It's near sleeping time, though. Lia, you can take the night off if you want."

I wanted, but I couldn't. I didn't even know if I could've stood up right then.

Alastair glanced up at Luce before leaning towards me. Again. I was seconds away from telling him to stop doing that.

"Camberley Prep Academy," He whispered, his eyes on me. Luce wasn't looking at us. "Ask Maria to help you sneak into my dorm."

I gaped at him, clearly annoyed that my tongue wasn't working. I also noticed that he looked pretty serious saying that. "I've got a...an old leather journal in one of the bathroom cabinets. You'll find it easily."

"Are you crazy?" I whispered-hissed, my eyes still wide in surprise.

"Yes," he replied a little too bluntly. "Bring it here, the journal. It's my parent's and I've...I haven't read it but I think it might help."

I straightened up and almost bumped my forehead into his. Alastair, however, pulled away just in time.

"All right," I murmured and looked over at Luce with a frown. "I'll uh, try. No guarantee, though. I hate public places." The last part was almost a whisper before I stood up and placed plenty amount of space between him and myself.

Then I looked up at Luce and plastered a smile on my face. "I'll get going then."

That very night, I dreamt about those silver-grey eyes. I remembered looking at them and wondering how beautiful they were, how happy he looked. And the most horrifying part was that I knew who they belonged to.

That seemed to be the first ever dream I could clearly remember even after I woke up.