"you are a golden thing
in this heavy,
heavy
world."

It took me a whole minute to realize where I was when I woke up.

I was on the floor.

And the thing I was staring at was the ceiling. I think.

I sat up groggily and yawned. Sleeping on the cold, hard floor sucked. It sucked like watching a spider crawling stupidly in your bathroom and not being able to do anything about it (because spiders were horrible, scary creatures), and that was saying something because that really sucked.

It took me another whole minute to figure out why I was on the floor.

Had I fallen off my bed again?

But then I noticed someone else on my bed and everything about last night came rushing back.

"Alastair." I whispered, staring at him with a frown.

I have a boy in my bed, I thought. I decided not to say that out loud because fuck, that sounded too stressful for an early morning. I also knew for a fact that I just had two hours of sleep the whole night. I was in no mood to go through the day holding onto cups of coffee. I hated coffee.

Rubbing my eyes, I glanced over at the clock, then back at Alastair's sleeping form. He was still asleep and I was glad that he was, but there was this little nagging thought at the very back of my head too. I didn't want to think about it, not right now, but knowing that I'd have to think about it later made my head ache.

Looks like I might need that coffee after all.

I sighed and stared down at my hands. How did I let this happen? Why did I let this happen? We weren't supposed to grow so close. I wasn't supposed to care so much about him. That never ended well.

It's too early right now to think about the end.

I found myself staring at him once again. He strangely seemed at peace, almost as if there was nothing to fear when he was asleep. Exhaling slowly, my eyes trailed around his face; his defined cheekbones, the light freckles that were dusted across his nose, those dark lashes sweeping under closed eyelids.

He was so beautiful.

A small smile curved onto my lips, soon changing into a grimace. I was staring. God, I am staring like a creep.

I saw his brows furrowing a little, as if he could sense my stare even in his sleep, and I looked away. I got up from the floor then, stretching out my numb body before plopping down on my empty desk chair. As I rubbed my face, another yawn escaped my lips.

This time when I glanced back at him, he was awake.

"Morning." I murmured, watching him carefully as he sat up, his eyes finding mine quite easily.

He took his time to reply, almost looking a little confused and a little dazed as he glanced around the room. My messed up room.

"Did you not sleep?" He probably asked that since he had seen me sitting on the same chair right before he dozed off.

"I did. On the couch." I lied. He seemed to frown at that, especially when I saw him glancing down at the pillow on the floor. I took that as a skeptic frown. "The couch outside."

Thankfully, he didn't press more on the subject, dragging both of his hands over his face. I tried not to stare again, which proved to be a bit hard since I still couldn't wrap my head around it. Around all of it.

"Did you sleep well last night?" I found myself asking him, mainly out of curiosity.

He shrugged.

"I slept. That's better than what I've been doing the past few nights."

"What do you mean?" I frowned.

His eyes found mine once again and even though we weren't really close, I could still make out the silver in them. That alone seemed to tone down the pounding in my head.

I saw him part his lips to speak, right when my bedroom door was thrown open. Which I should've expected since I just looked up at the wall clock. It was around the same time Luce usually barged inside my room, to wake me up since I never really believed in alarms.

But of course, I forgot about that. Because this morning hadn't started out like a normal morning.

"Lia, do you even know what time it is right now--" and then she stopped just as abruptly. Her eyes widened a little, and even though she seemed in a hurry, her surprise took its time.

Luce stared at me, then at Alastair, and then back at me. "Oh. Um, I'll just...be outside."

When she left, I closed my eyes shut and slumped back into the chair, groaning out loud.

"Fuck. I don't really need this right now, God."

Everything about this was wrong. Right from the moment I woke up, I knew none of this would end well.

I opened my eyes and saw Alastair not even trying to hide that stupid, utterly beautiful smile on his lips, and then I groaned again.

Who was I kidding? I would choose this morning over any other morning.

I stood up from the chair and frowned at him. "Stay here."

And as I trudged outside my room to catch Luce before she left with those god-awful thoughts in her head, I couldn't help but picture that smile of his again and again. It was almost like someone had lit up thousands of light bulbs and fairy lights in my head.

"Luce." I spoke up once I had closed the door behind me.

She was pacing in the lounge and she stopped doing that when she saw me.

"Lia. What...why--I don't really mean to sound invasive, but you know, I have to at the same time." Her eyes were still wide. I grimaced at what might've been going through her head at that moment.

God, this was awkward.

"Look, I never imagined myself saying this but," I looked at her. "It really isn't what it looks like."

She looked at me as if she had never heard anything more stupid than that.

"Really?"

"What do you mean really?" I frowned at her.

She opened her mouth but closed it shut, unsure. "Well, what is it then?"

I didn't really know how to answer that question when I didn't know the answer myself. If I started thinking over it, it'd turn scary--maybe even terrifying within seconds.

Luce shook her head.

"Never mind. You don't have to explain it to me if you don't want to." She waved it off, even though she still seemed tense. "Just...maybe tell me beforehand?"

"I'm sorry." I blurted out.

Her eyes widened once again as she stepped closer towards me.

"What? Wait, I didn't mean it in that way. You don't have to apologise." She was shaking her head once again. "I was just surprised. That's all."

"I know."

She stared at me as if trying to make sure of something, before laughing in disbelief. "God, you look scared."

I felt scared.

"I mean, I had my suspicions obviously."

"What suspicions?" I asked in a whisper.

"That you like him."

I opened my mouth but decided otherwise. I couldn't say no. I couldn't when I wasn't sure about my own feelings. I couldn't when I was still so confused.

So I stuck with avoiding what she had just said.

"He came here last night," I told her. "Just wanted to stay over for the night."

Her smile fell into a small frown. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. It really isn't what it looks like." I couldn't help but cringe. "You know, I really don't like saying that."

She kept on frowning. "Okay."

"I think he needed to be away from people, so he came here. I would've asked you first but...it was already so late." I added, just in case.

She nodded in response. "It's fine. You don't have to necessarily ask me about everything. I know you can make decisions for yourself."

But I hadn't even thought twice last night.

It was Luce's phone buzzing in her bag that broke the silence between us. She pulled it out and glanced down at her wristwatch.

"Well, I've got to leave now. Be there at night, yeah? Don't forget."

I gave her a small smile. "I won't."

She smiled back and gave my shoulder a light squeeze. "You know, I meant what I said that night. I hope you know that."

I only responded with a smile, a forced one this time.

******

I meant what I said that night.

What had Luce been talking about? Did she somehow realise that I had been talking about Alastair that night, the night that I almost confessed to her that he'd kissed me?

"Did you call Maria?" I asked him when we were both seated around the kitchen counter. He seemed distracted, but way better than the state I had seen him in last night.

He blinked and ran a hand through his shower-drenched hair.

"I didn't."

"Why didn't you?"

He glanced up at me and seemed to think before speaking. "I don't want to."

"She's worried." I told him before getting up from the stool and fishing for two clean bowls, opened cereal boxes, and some milk. "What'll you take?" I asked him, then scrunched up my nose at the box of Fruit Loops. "Please don't say Fruit Loops. They're disgusting. But...you can obviously have them if you want."

He was still staring at me. "I don't feel like eating anything right now."

I shrugged. "Okay." Then placed a bowl in front of him and the other in front of me. "So tell me, what's going on in that head of yours?" It was a pretty direct question, but as I mentioned earlier, I was sleep-deprived.

"Nothing really." He murmured, his eyes watching my every move as I added the milk in the bowls and then the cereal. I didn't touch the Fruit Loops, hoping that he liked the chocolate ones.

"And yesterday?"

His gaze bored into my own. "A bit too much."

I raised my brows before pushing his bowl towards him. Since I was apparently not caring about asking intrusive questions right now, I decided to push my luck.

"Tell me about it."

He said nothing at first. I had a feeling he was trying to think of ways to reject me, with words that wouldn't sound so harsh. And when he didn't say anything, I shrugged it off before going back to my bowl of cereal. It felt like a struggle to keep my eyes open with how extremely heavy they felt. I hated pulling all-nighters.

"I had...one of those flashes." It was almost a whisper. He sounded cautious.

I looked up at him in surprise, chewing slowly. "What?"

When he didn't say anything further, I leaned a little closer towards him, momentarily forgetting about the bowl in front of me. "You promised you'd tell me if it happens!"

He seemed a little surprised this time.

"I didn't promise." The dejected look on my face must've been quite obvious. "But I did tell you." He added in quickly. "Just now."

"Right." I tried not to smile. "So, what was it about?"

The cautiousness returned. It almost seemed like he didn't want me, or anyone else, to know about this side of him. I wanted to tell him that it was all right, but I didn't think it would be that easy to believe in.

"I couldn't sleep afterwards." He said, his eyes cast downwards. "So it was bad." That was his way of not really answering the question I had asked. I could only wonder then how bad it really was.

"I needed to be away for a while. That's why I didn't return her calls. Or yours." I figured he was talking about Maria. He looked down at the bowl but made no move to pick up the spoon. "She would've asked too much."

"You don't have to push them away." I told him. "They care about you, you know. Pushing everyone away doesn't really benefit anyone." I remembered how worried Maria had sounded over the phone. I had been worried too.

"I can't not do that," he said. I heard the frustration in his voice, quiet yet desperate, and it wasn't at me. It mostly came from the helplessness. "I can't just...I don't know how to open up. I don't want to."

I stared at him, at the way his eyes seemed to search around for something, anything to hold onto. The pounding in my head seemed to get heavier just as the silence stretched on.

I sighed and took a spoonful of the cereal, knowing this conversation would be going absolutely nowhere if I pushed. I didn't think me telling him to open up would make him open up. That's not how this all worked.

I glanced up at him. "Do you have any siblings?"

He seemed a little startled at the sudden change of topic.

"No." Confused, he sounded confused.

"Really?"

"Why would I lie?"

"You wouldn't." I murmured in thought, thinking back to that weird article I had read yesterday. Maybe it had really been an erroneous slip-up in the interview. They could've just made it up. That article hadn't even been that famous on the search like the others.

"Why did you ask?" Alastair asked, breaking me out of my thoughts.

I blinked and looked down at my bowl of cereal. All of a sudden, I just didn't feel hungry anymore.

"Just curious." I waved it off with a shrug. "So," I started and looked up at him. He was already staring at me, curious, waiting. I don't know why I found myself thinking about where I had woken up this morning. "Can I ask you where you were yesterday?"

This time, he didn't even think twice before answering.

"No." He looked away. I was a little taken aback, and maybe even hurt, but then I reminded myself that I had no reason to feel that way. If he didn't want to tell me something, that was fine. At least he was being truthful.

"Okay." I nodded, placing my elbows on the counter and rubbing my face. I was still in my pajamas, I realized. And I didn't have the energy to change out of them.

"I was at the...the lake."

I looked up at him to make sure he had said that and not somebody else, which was stupid now that I think about it. But his voice had been very quiet, almost as if he didn't want me to listen.

"Oh." I raised my brows. "Where's the lake?" I had been around the town, almost all of it, but I didn't think I ever came across a lake. I would have remembered if I ever saw one.

The silver in his eyes seemed brighter, lighter.

"It's a...small lake in the middle of the woods." I don't know why he seemed surprised.

"Wow." I furrowed my brows. "That explains why I never came across it. I don't really like the woods. I mean, I do, but back at home they were really scary looking. Gnarly. Some people in our town said that they spotted wolves there and I always had to stop myself from going in there to look for them. Because, you know, wolves sound cool. But I knew I would get lost, and well..." I frowned, propping my chin on my hand. "Woods back in my hometown aren't some place to get lost in."

When I glanced up at him, I realized that he was listening carefully. It took me off guard once again, at how he could really listen to my stupid rambles without even seeming like he wanted me to shut up. It was almost as if I was spewing genuinely interesting shit out of my mouth.

"I'm sorry." I grimaced and stuffed a spoonful into my mouth, just so that I won't say anything more embarrassing.

"For what?"

"Nothing." I mumbled. Hadn't he realized I was rambling? Had he zoned out on my rant? (God, that was even more embarrassing). "So you were at the lake. Do you like going there?"

"There are wolves spotted here in this town sometimes." I looked up at him. I guess we both were really good at dismissing questions that we didn't want to answer.

"Really?" I decided to go along with it. "Wolves in England?"

"What's so surprising about that?" He seemed less tense than before, almost calm like when he had woken up this morning.

"I don't know." I shrugged with a small frown. "I've never heard about wolves in England. But I have read books. Werewolf books. Most of them were in England, now that I think about it." I mentally cringed after I had said it out loud. There I go again.

He looked amused. One might say that he was trying his hardest not to smile. At least I made him smile, I thought.

"You don't care that I was out there at the lake." He spoke up.

I raised my brows again, not really getting where he was going.

"Should I?"

"My aunt would have thrown a fit if she knew." He seemed pretty serious saying that.

"She doesn't like the woods?"

He ran both of his hands through his already tousled hair and let out a small chuckle. It was strangely melodic. I couldn't help but stare. How come I was sitting in front of this awfully beautiful boy, with those beautiful grey eyes and that beautiful, happy laugh? This wasn't how my mornings went.

"You're not that stupid." He said and he was still smiling. I swear I could've felt something burst inside me, with that warm happy feeling.

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?"

"I drowned myself, Lia." He stated, totally ignoring what I had just said.

And then the pieces fit together, very slowly may I add. I wasn't that slow usually. It just happened sometimes.

"Oh." I blinked. "I didn't think about that, honestly."

"I figured." He said.

"But if I tell anyone else where I was last night, they wouldn't react like you did." He added. I noticed that he sounded tired, almost lost. "They already think I'm screwed up in the head. I don't...want to give them any more reasons."

"Well, I don't think you're screwed up in the head." I spoke up. "I can give you names of people who are screwed up in the head, the ones I know, and you don't even make it into the top 100."

He smiled at that. "But I come after that?"

I huffed a laugh. "Yeah, well, everyone's a little screwed. I come in my top 5."

"Not in mine." He said. I just passed him a funny look at that.

"Anyways, why did you go there?" I asked him, mainly because I wanted to know more. When did I not want to know more?

"It's a quiet place."

I hummed thoughtfully. A lake in the middle of the woods sounded nice and peaceful. "Well, since you speak so highly of it, I might as well check it out too."

"You don't like the woods." It warmed me from the inside when I realized that he was indeed really listening to me rant back there.

"I don't like the woods back in my hometown." I corrected him, then added in a sheepish smile. "Also, you said there would be wolves there."

"You want me to come with you?" He sounded confused.

"Obviously." I furrowed my brows. "I'd get lost without you."

He narrowed his gaze at me, before a small smile broke on his lips. He looked happy. I felt happy. Even if my head ached and my eyes needed sleep, I felt happy.

"Okay." He broke the silence and got up from the stool. I saw him taking out his phone from his back pocket. "I should head back."

The smile and the brightness in his eyes were still there when he looked at me. "I need to fix a few things before I take you up on that date."

That date.

My lips parted in surprise but nothing really came out. All except for a pathetic, "Oh."

I most definitely had not seen that coming.