“sad birds
still sing.”

Alastair James Hawthorne had committed suicide.

Tried to. But that's what the newspaper article had failed to mention. It was torn so I didn't get to read much, but I did see the word murder in there somewhere and I had a feeling that whoever published this article wanted everyone to know that it was no murder. 

Alastair tried killing himself. The end.

And that confused me more than anything. Why did they think somebody would've murdered him in the first place? Why was the incident even in a newspaper article? Where was the fucking privacy?

But then I remembered Luce's words. The Hawthornes were big in the whole of Camberley. Perhaps such things came with fame.

I didn't ask anything about it from Luce though, or Jim. I pretended that I knew nothing even when Luce told me the next day that she had appointed me as the new part-time aide for Alastair--the patient in room 221. 

She thought he might talk to me. She thought he might open up. Luce told me that it hadn't even been a week since he was put here in the hospital and they had to change up his aides thrice, just because he never really answered anyone's questions. He said nothing. And if, on the rarest occasions that he did, it was either a glare, or a snide remark--that was what Jim seemed to say.

Why would he though? I thought. Why would he open up to me?

And why had he tried taking his own life?

Every time I found myself thinking about it, I tried to distract my mind from it the next instant. I'd seen that torn piece of newspaper article and I wanted to know more. I wanted to get my laptop and search it up on the net. I didn't, however, because it wasn't any of my business, and instead, I busied myself with other things.

I got the stuff out of my bags, which I still hadn't unpacked, and busied myself with stuffing my clothes in the bedroom's little closet. It was a guestroom, so it was mainly plain. I spent the whole day moving around the little furniture I had until it felt a little bit like my own room back at home.

Then I called Mum. I even talked with Mason this time, mainly because I kind of missed him. He told me he'd found a new video game and we talked about that, even though I secretly hated video games.

At one point, even Helen came up on the screen to talk to me. It warmed my heart a little, even if she just came by to tell me that she was inviting a college friend over and letting her stay in my room. I told her to fuck off, which Mason listened (obviously) and told Mum all about my indecent use of language.

It was annoying but I found myself missing home a little more after I talked to them.

When I ended the call, I glanced over at the wall clock. I had hours before my shift started. Luce was still at the hospital and the apartment was empty, and I realized that I didn't necessarily like being alone.

I found myself laying down on my bed, looking up at the plain white ceiling, and wondering about a lot of things at the same time.

Everything was silent, all until my phone started vibrating and I realized that Steph was calling me. A video call. It was a bit surprising that I didn't care much before answering the call, still sprawled on my back, looking at my friend's face as it popped up on the screen.

"Hey, hey, hey. Look who finally decided to answer the call." I was a bit surprised to see Tara's face on my screen instead of Steph's. Always the sarcastic one.

"Hey, guys." I smiled, realizing that Tara must be at Steph's house, before inhaling deeply. "How's everything going?"

I was looking at Tara's face before another face popped up behind her. Steph's.

"Nothing much. Pretty boring, you know." It was Steph this time, her hair pulled up in a very messy bun. I noticed that they both were wearing pajamas. Were they having a sleepover?

Why was I even surprised? They always had sleepovers without me.

"What about you?" Steph asked with a wide grin, taking her phone from Tara. "How's England treating you?"

I shrugged and glanced up at the ceiling. "It's nice here. Haven't snowed yet, but I hope it would soon."

Tara snorted. Her face was nowhere in sight but I heard her voice. "Did you only go there to see the snow?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, Tara, why are you even surprised?"

"I don't know. I mean, if I were you, I'd be looking for hookups." It was a bit concerning how genuine she sounded. Steph made a gagging gesture at me through the screen.

I grimaced. "Yeah, well, I'm not you."

"Obviously, or else you'd have a boyfriend."

The smile on my face threatened to fall. Steph must've caught it since I saw her shoving someone on her right. "Shut up, Tara, nobody needs your attitude right now."

"I was just kidding!" I heard Tara laughing before she popped up on the screen again, grinning at me sheepishly. I managed a small smile. "Never mind, Lia, tell us what you've been up to? The hospital! How's the hospital?"

"Like any hospital should be?"

"Well, that's exciting," She said, and there it was, the sarcasm again. 

"Did you make any friends?" Steph asked with raised brows. "How are the people there? I've always wanted to visit England."

"The people are nice. I even came across a huge library," I spoke up a bit excitedly this time. "Oh gosh, I'll send you guys some pictures. That place is amazing."

I saw Steph and Tara exchanging a look before Tara spoke up, "I win."

"Win what?" I asked.

"Steph and I made a bet. I said you'd be finding a library the first day you get there. Steph disagreed."

"I only disagreed because what were the fucking chances!" Steph exclaimed with wide eyes. "I mean, I know you love libraries, but still, Lia."

I grinned. "What does the winner get?"

The smile on Tara's face was evil. 

"I get to tell Josh that Steph has a crush on him."

"Oh no," I feigned horror despite the grin on my face. Steph looked like she wanted to die.

"This is not fair. Why are you my friend if you just want to embarrass me?" Steph asked Tara, then she was looking back at me with her eyes blown wide. "Goddamit, Lia, you won't believe what this bitch did yesterday!"

"What did she do?" I asked before sitting up, propping my chin upon my pulled-up knees.

"So we went to watch this movie yesterday, right? A shit movie, actually--"

"It wasn't shit." Tara cut her off.

Steph ignored her. "Do you remember that one guy who works there? The one behind the food counter?"

"I think so." I raised my brows with a wide smile.

"Tara forced me to hide snacks inside my hoodie so we won't have to buy some at the theater."

"Just trying to save money." I heard Tara mumbling.

I had to stifle a laugh.

"Save money?" Steph looked at her accusingly before fixing her gaze back at me. "The guy caught up to us. I was so embarrassed. Do you know how Tara stopped him from kicking us out? "

I was full-on laughing by then. "I don't wanna know. "

Steph told me anyway. "She made out with him in one of the bathroom stalls. "

"I'm sorry." I saw Tara rolling her eyes. "He was hot. What else was I supposed to do?"

"Ew, Tara, you say that about every guy you hook up with."

"Whatever, Lia. Did you find any hot guys in England?" She asked me curiously.

"What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to tell me the truth," She said, her face practically plastered on the screen. I could see Steph trying to shove her away.

"Well, no."

"Not even one?"

"No, Tara. "

"But if you do meet one, make a move on him, yeah? "

"How about no?" I almost cringed at that thought.

Somehow after a few minutes, we decided to end up the conversation since it was getting late for my shift too anyway.

"We miss you!" Steph said. I saw Tara nodding too, though she was busy with her phone. "Be back soon, Lia. Bye! "

And when I ended the call and found myself staring up at the ceiling again, I wondered whether they really missed me or just said that because they were supposed to. Because they were my best friends.

Why would they miss me though? I asked myself They had each other. They seemed like they were having enough fun being together, just the two of them.

Did I even know what best friends meant anymore?

°°°°°

When I entered room 221, I now understood a little better as to why the room was mostly bare. No such objects or furniture could've caused any harm. No glass paintings like the rest of the hospital. 

Just plain bare.

I tried not to stare at the familiar boy sitting on the hospital bed. He looked exactly the same as the last time I saw him--leaning back against the headboard, his eyes directed up at the ceiling. It seemed like that was the way he spent most of his days.

As I closed the door lightly behind me, I saw him blink. He didn't really look at me, though. Distracted, he looked distracted. Luce had told me that he never really acknowledged anyone. Almost as if he didn't want to care.

I walked towards the bed before stopping and my eyes involuntarily darted to the black tee shirt that he was wearing, and at his face--at the blank expression. It was bothering me a little. I couldn't help but speak up then.

"Did you get any sleep?"

I shouldn't have asked that.

I mentally cringed when he didn't even bother to look my way. He wouldn't talk to me, I told myself. Luce was going to be so fucking disappointed.

"Never mind," I whispered under my breath and tugged down my hoodie sleeves over my fists. I'd shrugged on a dark green hoodie today. Luce didn't really like the color but I couldn't have worn the same blue hoodie every single day.

"So." I tried starting a small conversation, walking over towards the monitoring machines at one corner. "I'm Lia, by the way," I murmured. "The part-time aide. I'll be here mostly during the nights. Though I'm not really sure who'd be here...during daytime."

I couldn't have stopped talking, even if I was saying random, stupid things at this point. Talking to my own self felt a whole lot better than the constant silence here. I didn't usually hate silences, I actually enjoyed it most of the time, but the silence here in this room was strange. Almost a little suffocating.

So I kept talking.

"Have you already taken the morning pills?" I asked him.

No answer.

"Do you want to take a walk in the yard today?"

Still no answer, which was good this time since Luce had already briefed me earlier that he wasn't supposed to leave the room, unlike the other patients here, until he got slightly more...stable. Which, in his case, was necessary since he'd attempted suicide. Luce didn't really mention that.

Once I was done inspecting the machines and realized that the heart rate monitor was working pretty normal, I directed my gaze back at him. Since it wasn't really dark in here and the moon was shining quite brightly from the ceiling window, I could actually see him properly this time.

He still looked pale, a little bit more than the last time I saw him. It could've just been a trick of the lights in here, but then I noticed the dark shadows under his eyes and the constant empty expression on his face. His eyes were stuck on the wall in front of him, at nothing in particular. I noticed that his hair, disheveled and falling over his forehead, was a shade of black--obsidian, almost like the night sky outside.

He looked sick, and maybe even sad, but there was this something about him, something so alluringly perfect. How was it possible for someone to look like that when in a hospital? I knew how terribly disgusting I looked when I caught a simple cold.

Diverting my eyes from his face, I looked up at the small window situated near the ceiling. Like I had thought, there was a full moon up there.

Then I looked down at him once again, this time at his right hand. I noticed a large white bandage wrapped around the start of his wrist and up till his forearm. The bandage was supposed to be changed twice a day, by each of the part-time aides. 

Which was fine with me. The one time I had volunteered in a nursing home back in my hometown, I had been changing bandages a lot. I was fairly good at that.

"I'll change your bandage then," I told him, which probably didn't matter since he wasn't even listening to me in the first place.

I picked up a new roll of bandage from the rack and went over towards him. This time, I didn't exactly continue the small talk, not wanting to say too much in case someone--Luce--was watching from the small security camera in the room.

Once I'd sat down on the soft armchair beside his bed, I opened up the new bandage and placed it beside his hand. He didn't really pull away--which for some reason I was kind of expecting--when I started opening his bandage, the one wrapped up around his wrist. I didn't really touch his hand and I didn't really stare at the long vertical scar beneath the bandage, all because I didn't want to.

"Do the sleeping pills not help you?" I asked him quietly as I slowly wrapped the new bandage around his wrist. "I think they give you those, don't they?"

He didn't respond. He wasn't even looking at me.

"Reading also helps sometimes," I whispered, knowing that I should just stop. But I wanted to help. He couldn't sleep and I wanted to help him.

I pulled away and threw the old bandage in the small trash can below the bed. Then I looked back at him once again. 

"Music helps too," I told him. "I sometimes listen to songs and uh..." I trailed off. I had to.

Blue. His eyes were blue.

No, not blue.

They were grey, which was so odd since I could've sworn on my life that they'd seemed a pale blue just seconds ago. That's when I realized he was looking at me and my mouth went dry.

I parted my lips to say something but couldn't form a coherent word. Why was he looking at me? Had I said something wrong? Was I supposed to leave?

The expression on his face was still blank. The only difference was that he was actually looking at someone--me.

"What--" I wasn't given a chance to say anything when the door opened. I jerked my head up just in time to notice Luce coming inside.

It wasn't just her, though. I stood up when I realized that there was another woman behind her, standing in the doorway.

I couldn't help but take a small step away from the bed when I noticed her stepping inside the room. She had this something about her. Not just the stern look on her face but everything about her, from her expensive-looking work dress to the way her fair blonde hair was perfectly curled up behind her back, was perfect. She was beautiful. 

I noticed the slight furrow in between her brows as she looked at Alastair.

Was she his mother? But they looked nothing alike.

"Here you go, Mrs. Hawthorne," Luce spoke up with a polite smile, though I did feel the hidden tension. "As I told you, he's doing good. There's no need to worry so much."

I glanced over at Alastair and noticed the frown he gave the woman, his mother, before looking away again. 

"I know that." The woman spoke up, her voice coming out smooth yet stern. The heavy accent lacing her voice was somewhat a lot different than the ones I had heard from the people around here. "But I can visit my son whenever I want."

I should've left then, but I couldn't help and think how inappropriate it was to have a talk like this here. Weren't they supposed to keep it quiet in every patient's room?

"About that, Mrs. Hawthorne, I'm sure you know the policy here--" Luce started out patiently.

I had just placed my arms on the back of the armchair when the woman's steely gaze swept to me. I froze and my mouth went dry all over again.

"What is she doing here then?" She asked.

I clutched the armchair uneasily. Was I supposed to say anything? Was she expecting me to?

I had a sudden urge to disappear.

Luce glanced at me. "That's Lia, she's the new aide here--" Mrs. Hawthorne cut her off once again.

"I need professionals to work for him, Luciana." Even her voice came out steely and my face heated up in embarrassment.

"Mrs. Hawthorne--"

"I want him to get better." She raised her voice, almost forgetting that he was here too. "Don't make me think it was stupid bringing him here when you can't even help him. People like her--" Her glare snapped to my face and I flinched. "--can't help him."

"Mrs. Hawthorne," Luce repeated before taking a step towards her. "I think we should step out of the room." There was no polite smile on Luce's face this time. "I've got some paperwork for you to sign too. Please follow me."

The woman blinked then and I nearly missed the helplessness on her face. I almost felt sorry too. For her. If she really belonged to such a well-known and wealthy family, like I had heard others talking about, I couldn't imagine how it must've been for her to see her son like that.

She looked at me once again and within her frown, I noticed the look she passed me. It wasn't really a nice look. It was a look enough to make my heart race, and not in a good way.

When they both left the room, Luce passed me a quick look which I tried to avoid because my heart was racing and it felt a little too hot in here. I need some fresh air, I thought, before I combust within my own head.

There was just silence after that for the next few seconds. I gripped the armchair and looked down at the way my knuckles whitened. I didn't want to be here anymore.

I glanced over at Alastair and he was once again not looking at me. That shouldn't have mattered, but it strangely did at that moment. It almost felt like the room was closing in on me. It was a familiar feeling for a second and that scared me.

"Um...I need to catch up on a few things. I'll...see you later." I murmured, consciously pulling my sleeves over my fists and backing away from the armchair. I quickly scanned the numerous machines and on the shelves and the entire room. And even if there was something out of place, I didn't really care at that moment. I just wanted to leave.

"I'll make sure to send in a nurse for the--your pills," I added in a rush and moved towards the door.

I didn't spare him another glance. He probably didn't even care.

I left as quietly as I had entered.

°°°°°

I didn't go back there.

Nobody noticed my absence at the hospital either, all except for Luce of course, and she pointed it out at the dinner table when we came back to her apartment.

"Where did you go off to?" She asked me.

I didn't really have to dodge her stare when I was already busy picking at the food, separating the beans from the burrito casserole Luce had made tonight.

"I don't know."

"What?"

"I don't know," I repeated. For some reason, I just didn't feel like talking right now, about absolutely anything.

Luce placed down her fork and kept staring at me. I wish I could've told her how unnerving that was. 

"Look, I get it. Iris is like that. But you don't need to take her words to the heart. You're just helping out her son. In the end, that's what she really wants," She said.

When I was sure there were no beans left, I filled my mouth with a big bite. It was tasty.

"Lia." She stretched out my name into a sigh.

"Who's Iris?"

She blinked before picking up her fork again. "The mother. Mrs. Hawthorne."

I didn't even want to be reminded of that little incident, even though it had happened just hours ago. It made me wish for the ground to open up and swallow me alive, even when I was out of the confinements of the hospital.

"Yeah. It's okay." I nodded.

Luce nodded in response. "Okay."

We both went silent after that. It felt like a heavy silence, like we were fighting. That made me feel guilty, which in turn made me feel angry. I hadn't said anything that should make me feel guilty. This wasn't even an argument!

"Mom called too." Luce broke the silence. It surprised me and I couldn't help but look up at her.

"Really?" I tried not to show the surprise, however. "That's...good." 

She smiled a little at that and the air around us grew a little less heavy. 

"She's kind of worried about you," Luce spoke up.

I tried not to groan out loud, I really did, but this whole conversation was just starting to make me feel miserable. So I did groan out loud, even when my mouth was full of food.

Luce gave me a funny look. "She told me that you've been growing distant lately." Then eyed the cornered beans on my plate. "I wasn't aware of that."

I wasn't aware of that either.

"I don't like beans," I responded.

"I'm not even going to ask you why you just said that." She rolled her eyes. "You've been giving weird responses lately."

"You were eyeing them and I'm sure you're worried about my health and shit."

She frowned and stared at me. "I'm sure that's what Mom's worried about too." She said. "What's going on, Lia?"

I stopped eating then because her stare was making me feel really uncomfortable. And I didn't like this, wherever this conversation was going. 

"Nothing's going on." I made sure to roll my eyes just so that she'd know how extremely stupid she sounded.

"Why would Mom be calling me then?"

Couldn't she just let go of it? "To ask you how you're doing?"

"She rarely does that, Lia," Luce responded. "She's afraid of you growing distant. She also...said that you wanted to come here just so you could be away from them. Is that so?"

I stared at her this time. I was already not in a good mood and Luce seemed persistent in keeping it that way.

I felt tired. I felt angry.

She shook her head in disbelief. "Are you going to say anything?"

"What do you want me to say?" I asked incredulously, pushing back my chair and standing up. "It didn't feel like home there. It wasn't...so I came here! This definitely doesn't feel like home either. This..."

I trailed off and something that awfully felt like guilt clawed over my heart when her eyes widened at my sudden outburst.

But the fact that I couldn't say it, that I couldn't describe the suffocation I felt inside, made me hate this even more.

"Nothing is wrong with me. Do you understand?" I backed away before storming out of there. Not in my room, not when I was desperately in need of just...emptiness. No walls. Nothing around me. I needed air.

I hurriedly pulled on my shoes before opening the front door. I also heard the scraping of a chair and eventually the footsteps behind me.

"Lia, where are you going? Look, I'm--"

"Just leave me alone." It came out rather pathetically as I stepped outside and closed the door behind me.

I felt angry as I rushed upstairs to the rooftop. I rushed because I didn't want to confront anyone, not even a stranger. I felt angry because I could've felt the tears welling up.

The moment I stepped out on the empty rooftop, I breathed out a shaky sigh.

Luce had told me it wasn't safe to come up here, especially in the dark since it was all open up here and the apartment building was already too high. But I wasn't really thinking about Luce at that moment. I stepped further towards the edge, all until I was standing under the dark night sky. Under the cold breeze of England.

I found myself slumping down and leaning against one of the almost rusty poles as I pulled up my knees.

"I shouldn't have said that," I murmured under my breath, scrunching up my forehead and blinking back the tears. I hated feeling like this and I hated Luce for acting like she could demand an answer from me any time.

I just hated everything.

I hated myself.

And I also hated myself for feeling guilty.

Why had Mum even called her? I talked to her almost every goddamn day. She didn't say any such thing to me. Wasn't I supposed to be distant when I was literally a whole state away from her?

All I had wanted here was a little peace for myself. Not the same things that I escaped from. Not when I was so far away from home.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the pole. It was really cold up here, but it strangely made me feel better. It made me think of snow and snow made me happy. It made me think of things other than what had just happened.

Rooftops were definitely a great distraction.