"the one thing
I want
is something I know
I can't have."

"You don't remember," I repeated Alastair's words that he had just told me. We both stared at each other in utter silence. Then I said it again, "You don't remember."

Another few seconds of silence went by. All except for the evening chatter around us. Alastair's gaze didn't leave mine.

"You didn't, yes." I slumped back into the cafe booth we were in. "You didn't know you had a twin when I was there in Oak Valley, I know that."

A flicker of confusion passed over his features.

"Not until I showed you that photograph of your family. I already know that, Alas." I said.

He shook his head. "That's not what I meant." He probably would've added something more to it if the waiter hadn't come by with our drinks. While I had gone to use the restroom in this tiny cafe we ended up in (the one near my house that I usually came to), Alastair had ordered coffee for himself and some apple juice for me.

"Well, you clearly remember my favourite drink." I sipped my juice as the waiter left. The entire cafe was almost filled with people by now. Most were familiar faces. Most I could recognise from my college.

"Of course I do." He frowned at me as if I had said something rather irrational. Then he sighed. "It's the...it's the other not so obvious things, Ophelia."

I stared at him, hoping he'd elaborate a little more. Because nothing that he had just told me was making sense to me.

"Do you remember that day...the first time we met in Oak Valley?" Alastair asked me. He was slowly fidgeting with his cup of coffee, and I couldn't help but notice the way he tried averting his gaze from my own. He was anxious. "When I couldn't sleep in that hospital, and you...you seemed in a rush when you came into my room. You asked me why I couldn't sleep."

I nodded, still staring at him. My first day of volunteering at the Sanitarium. "I remember." My voice came out soft. I wanted to slide my hand over the table and hold onto his.

"I don't." He slowly shook his head.

"But you just told me...wait, I don't understand." I didn't.

He leaned forward and pulled out something from his pocket. A tiny notepad, I realised, as he slid it towards me from across our table.

I looked up at him questioningly.

"I wrote it down. That's how I remembered." He told me.

When I still didn't quite get it, I took the notepad and flipped it open. Every page had something entirely different written on it. The first time I met Ophelia, I read the first line. I glanced up at Alastair and he was already staring at me. Waiting. Scared.

Naturally, that made me anxious too.

"This is..." I trailed off when I flipped to the other page. The first time we kissed. I remembered that day. I remembered that day too well. I closed it shut then. "Why do you have all of this written here?"

He didn't say anything, almost as if waiting for me to piece it together. I did then. Piece it together, I mean. But it still didn't make sense.

"You...you don't remember." My voice fell to a whisper. I suddenly felt as cold as my iced apple juice. "But you're talking to me right now. You know who I am."

Alastair leaned back and ran a hand through his hair. He wasn't wearing his jacket anymore. It was with me. Take it, he had said when we reached here. And I think it was fair since I was the one completely drenched with rainwater.

That also meant I could see the familiar tattoo above his wrist. It gave me that gut-wrenching feeling, a feeling of loss. Why, I didn't know.

"I do know who you are, Ophelia." He murmured softly, and I saw the slight tug of his lips. A smile so sad. "I'll always know who you are."

I tried ignoring the way my heart flipped. "How did this happen?" I asked him. "How did you just forget these things? Did it happen all of a sudden? Is it like...amnesia? Wait, no, that doesn't sound good." Nothing sounded good about this.

Alastair shrugged, dragging his hands down his face. "I don't know. It started happening back when I was supposed to leave for Knightsridge. I think it started happening even before that. When I...overdosed."

I remembered that night too. I remembered how horrible it had felt, to see him slipping away, to not be able to be there for him, knowing that he had overdosed on those pills just because I had shown him that photograph. Just because I had reminded him of his twin.

Cassius, I told myself. Maybe Imogen was right. She had told me that Alastair had seen too much during his childhood. He had been through so much. And even when I didn't know what it really meant, I knew how hard it must've been for him to remember.

And I hadn't...I hadn't known at all.

I felt a little sick. I think Alastair saw it on my face.

"Ophelia," he said, his hand reaching out for me from across the table. I let him take my hand in between both of his.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked him in a whisper. "You could've told me all this back in Oak Valley."

He shook his head. "I didn't understand it then. I didn't figure it out until...until it was too late." A short laugh escaped his lips. There was no humour in it. "It started getting to me when I came to see you at Maria's party. I was starting to have doubts. I would've told you but I...I didn't understand what was happening to me. I was starting to forget things, memories that I should've remembered."

I stared at him worriedly.

"I told my aunt. She didn't quite understand what was happening with me either." He added.

"Your aunt knew," I repeated, then furrowed my brows. "If she knew all about it, that it wasn't your body in the lake, why didn't she say something?"

Alastair shrugged, his gaze stuck on our hands. "I think she figured it'd be easier to let them all believe I was dead than letting them know I was going insane."

I gripped his hand.

"For good this time." He added.

"Don't say that." When he didn't look up at me, I gave his hand a tug. "Alastair," I said. He clenched his jaw. "Alas, you're not insane."

That got a tired smile out of him.

"There must be a reason for this," I added, softly dragging my fingers on the back of his hand. "Maybe...maybe this is a side effect from when you overdosed. I don't know. You were already on medication, maybe it got fucked up somewhere and..." I trailed off then, clearing my throat. "Did you figure out why it was happening?"

He shook his head.

"Your aunt couldn't figure it out either?" I frowned. I was aware of his aunt and how she had a knack for hiding the obvious. She knew stuff, she knew Cassius was dead, yet she hadn't said anything until I had asked.

"I think she thought it was normal."

"It's not normal." I protested.

"I know." He said. "I was...I was forgetting things, but I was starting to remember some too." The clueless look must've been obvious on my face since he added, "When I was eight, when the accident happened at the mansion, everyone said that my parents died. That's what was written in that journal too, the one I got my hands on. But it wasn't the truth."

Of course, it wasn't. Because Alastair's mother was still alive. I had seen her with my own eyes not too many hours ago.

"My father died. Ma didn't." He said. "It was so sudden. It was like...someone or something was forcing it back inside my head. One day I didn't know shit about it and the next I just remembered. I knew my mom wasn't dead. It freaked me out. But I...I remembered."

"It's strange but it felt like there was this barrier in my head, keeping that memory away. Hiding it. I don't know. It doesn't make sense." He shook his head. "But then the barrier vanished, and I started remembering things. Some of them. Like Ma. And I remembered Cass. Except that...I didn't know his name and it was really freaking me out."

My eyes widened a little. "That's why you...you knew you'd find her here."

He nodded, opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something more, before thinking otherwise.

"What?" I asked him, leaning a little forward.

"You too," Alastair said, his eyes widening a little as if he hadn't meant to let that slip out. But then he tipped his head back against his seat and sighed. "I needed to find you too, Ophelia."

Oh.

I closed my mouth shut, looking down at our hands. Perhaps that wasn't what I had expected him to say.

"You seemed to be the only thing my head was so sure of." He wasn't really looking at me, but I heard the raw honesty in his voice. "Even when I was forgetting things, forgetting some of the moments we spent together, you were--are--the least bit complicated. I had to find you."

I stared at him. I stared at him for a very long time. Alastair had been going through all of that, I thought, when each day I thought he was dead and never coming back. The universe could be really cruel sometimes.

I didn't really get a chance to say anything in response, not when a familiar voice shouted my name.

"Lia!" I turned my head around, jerking back my hand from Alastair's, to see Mason barrelling his way towards me, towards our table. "Lia! What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here?" I frowned at my little brother, looking around the busy cafe. How had he ended up here all alone?

"Nora brought us here to buy us some hot chocolate." He grinned, his face nearly hidden behind the large red scarf around his neck, and then he was directing his whole cheerful attention at Alastair. "Who is that?" He didn't let me speak. "Are you Lia's friend?"

Sure enough, Mason was right. I could just about make out Nora's figure standing by the waiting line accompanied with a curious-looking Emma--who I think had her nose plastered on the glass showcasing the latest new pastries--near the cash counter, busy ordering her drinks. It was strange of Nora to be out here with Emma and Mason, babysitting them. Was she babysitting them? The thought nearly made me laugh.

"Yeah," Alastair replied, surprised and smiling both. Then he glanced at me. "I'm her friend."

That should've been satisfying enough to make Mason leave, but then his eyes rounded and I thought, oh no.

"Wait, I've seen you before!" Mason exclaimed a little too loudly. I grimaced. "I've seen you in one of Lia's polaroids!"

Alastair passed me an amused glance, which let's be honest, was far better than that sad smile he'd been giving me a few seconds ago. Maybe I was glad Mason was here. My little brother had this thing where he made people smile a little too easily. And I needed to see Alastair smile, especially after how this day had gone along.

"Right." I glanced over at Nora, who still had her back towards us.

Mason kicked my leg with his shoe, asking, "Are you both on a date?" I nearly kicked him back.

Alastair leaned forward, seeming more relaxed than he had been the whole day. "I don't know. Are we?"

Mason grinned in a way that was more annoying than endearing. I wasn't sure if I needed to give him the talk about not telling any of this to Mum. Not when Mum knew about Alastair (she knew his name and she knew that he was supposed to be dead).

Once again, I didn't get to say anything when Nora turned around from the counter, her eyes finding Mason and me. And then she was making her way over here. I sidled up next to Alastair on the booth seat.

"Lia!" Emma exclaimed, much more loudly than Mason had, and lunged forward to hug me. Emma loved hugs.

Alastair's arm brushed against my own. "Aren't you a sight for kids." I think he was smiling. I huffed and patted Emma on the back.

Nora stopped by our table with three large drinks in her hands. I saw her eyes widening just a little as they darted from me to Alastair. "You," She wasn't talking to me, "must be the one and only Alastair."

"He is." I sighed. God, I hated introductions. Who was next? Was Mum gonna pop in this cafe too? Worse, what if Dad was with her?

Nora glanced at me and her face broke into a grin, settling herself into the seat across from us. "Oh, I've heard a lot about you." She added, "I'm Nora."

Alastair was polite enough to shake her outstretched hand. I think he was enjoying this too.

"The best friend." He said, tipping his head a little to the side. He was confused. I suppose Nora and I had been just ex-best friends when I told him about her back in Oak Valley.

"Wait, you're Alastair!" Mason exclaimed again. I winced this time. Both he and Emma had squeezed in beside Nora, slurping on their hot chocolates. "I saw your name written on one of the cassettes Lia has. For her Walkman. She always has it under her pillow every night." Perhaps I needed to tell him to shut the hell up.

Nora tried to muffle her laugh.

"Oh?" Alastair leaned a little against me and I bristled. God, he was warm. I could feel it through the jacket I was wearing over my hoodie. His jacket. It smelled like him, a tiny voice spoke in my head. As warm as I remembered.

"Don't tell me you guys are on a date." Nora's eyes widened a little. "Assuming you both...um..." She trailed off when she saw my frown.

"We're not on a date." Alastair offered her another smile. I think he must've sensed me tensing a little. I didn't exactly know what I was tense about. Nora knew about Alastair, I wasn't anxious about that. Maybe I was nervous about Mason. Would he tell Mum? How would I explain this to her?

"Oh," Nora said, then sighed. "Well, a girl can hope." Then she eyed me warily before looking back at Alastair. "No offence, and I know this might not be my place to ask you this, but aren't you supposed to be dead?"

She didn't say it loud enough for Mason or Emma to hear. Thankfully.

I shook my head. "You're right. That isn't your place to ask."

"It's all right." Alastair softly nudged his shoulder with mine. "And no, I'm not...dead. Obviously. That was--"

"Your twin!" She whisper hissed with wide eyes. Alastair hesitated a little before nodding. It must've been weird to him knowing that I went around telling everyone about everything. Even when that wasn't the case at all.

"Well, this sounds complicated." She agreed, then glanced at me. "But on a second note, Lia can you go and fetch me that blueberry pastry I love?"

I stared at her. "I'm not doing shit for you."

"Yes, you are." She waved me off. "Take Emma with you."

This was odd, I knew. But I stood up nonetheless, passing Alastair a questioning frown which he replied with a shrug, and left with Emma.

"Hey, can I get one of these pastries on the go?" I asked the guy behind the counter. As he packed up the dessert, I turned around to peek at Nora. She was saying something to Alastair and there were a lot of hand gestures involved. I frowned. What was she saying to him?

When I took the pastry in a bag back to the table, Nora had stopped talking and Alastair was staring at me. I had this overwhelming feeling that they were hiding something from me. It felt like a spider crawling up my arm. Not nice at all.

That's when my phone rang. I passed Nora her pastry and a tiny frown, then answered the call. It was Mum asking me to pick Mason up from Nora's and be back in time for dinner. I hadn't realised it was getting dark outside, not until Mum mentioned it.

"I should get going." I looked at all of them a little apologetically. I suppose I wasn't that against cutting this...strange meeting short. "Mason, you're coming with me. Mum called."

"I should too," Alastair said, sliding out of the booth and standing up beside me. "It was nice meeting you all."

"Likewise." Nora smiled, slurping on her hot cocoa. "See you later, Lia."

When we stepped out of the little cafe, Alastair was quick to tell me that he'd drop Mason and me home. But I refused obviously. Mum, I almost told him, Mum thinks you're dead.

"No, it's all right," I told him a little distractedly, keeping one eye on Mason as he hopped along the street. "It's not too far. Besides, Mason..."

"Seems nice." He finished it for me with that soft easygoing smile that made me stare at him a little longer. That and the glint in his grey eyes made my heart lurch.

"Yeah, about that..." I shifted on my feet. "I really don't go around telling everyone about you."

He raised a dark brow and I grimaced. "I mean, it's not like that. Mason knows because he has this habit of sticking his nose into my things. Like my polaroids. And that...and that Walkman." Do you remember it? I wanted to ask him, but I didn't. "Nora's an exception because...I accidentally told her stuff and then she kept on asking me and I couldn't refuse. God, I'm sorry. Mum knows too. Well, bits of it. And Luce, but she's not here at least."

It may be a little messed up, I wanted to say.

"You're rambling." He said, and he had that soft look in his eyes again. Alastair took a step closer and his fingers grazed right above my elbow. "It's all right, Ophelia. I don't mind."

"You don't?"

He shrugged and I had this really strong urge to step closer towards him. Wrap my arms around him like I had done outside that hospital. But, I thought, he had needed me back there. It would be weird if I do it now. God, a lot of it was weird. I didn't even know where to start thinking. There was his dead mother who wasn't really dead. Then there was the fact that Alastair didn't remember most of the stuff I remembered with him. And then there was this need inside me to kiss him.

Weird, yes. I didn't know where to start.

"I should get going then," I said, hesitating a little. Things between us should've gone back to a little normalcy, if not all, after today. But it hadn't. I was still being...weird.

"Your jacket." I cleared my throat, glancing down at the jacket that I was wearing. And his hand was still on my arm. "Do you--"

"No. Keep it." He told me.

I nodded. It'd be too cold to walk back home in my almost-wet clothes without his warm jacket.

We both didn't really make any move to part ways. I knew I should be checking on Mason before he left without me. But I couldn't...I couldn't look away from Alastair's eyes.

"Ophelia," he sighed, pulling his hand away. I wished he didn't. "I...know you can't forgive me yet. I don't even think I deserve it. Not yet. But I hope you can give me another chance. Someday. I know it doesn't make sense, most of it doesn't, but I...I don't exactly know how to explain this any further."

I looked down at my shoes. "It does make sense, Alas."

He let out a soft huff that sounded more like a laugh. "Does it?"

"A little." I shrugged then looked up at him, smiling a little. "But I know now. You don't understand how much that helps. All this time I thought it was because of..." Me, I wanted to say. I thought it was all my fault. "But it wasn't. And we're going to figure things out. All the complications. Together."

He stared at me for a moment, repeating the last word almost as if saying it alone felt a little too heavy. "Together."

I nodded. It felt nice to finally find some enthusiasm within me for something. The past few days--weeks--had just been gloomy and sad and heavy. I never thought change could feel so...relieving.

"Okay." He agreed, and I was about to nod again when he leaned a little closer and said something that caught me off guard. "Can I kiss you?"

My lips parted in surprise and other than a small confused sound at the back of my throat, nothing else came out.

Yes, I wanted to say. Please.

Alastair smiled at that, a little wistfully. "Perhaps," he murmured, not waiting for a response and pressing his lips softly against my cheek. I breathed out a tiny sigh. "Not today."

When he pulled back, and when my entire face was on fire, he gave me another smile. "I'll see you soon then."

It took me a while to function my legs again. Too long, I thought. It had been too long since my heart raced that way.

And I totally forgot to ask what Nora had been talking to him about earlier inside the cafe.