"all I am is
memories."

The next morning during breakfast, while I was being extremely late for my class, Mum dropped the bomb on me. More like requesting a bomb. A disaster.

"Why don't you ask Alastair to come over for dinner today?" She asked me right as I stuffed the rest of my toast in my mouth. And so I ended up choking. Only for Helen to come up and slap me real hard on the back.

"Ouch, Helen!" I growled at her. She just shrugged in response and settled down on the table, picking up her own toast.

"Yes, yes! I like your friend Alastair!" Mason nodded a little too enthusiastically. I didn't quite understand his fascination with my boyfriend. I didn't even know if he's my boyfriend.

"I'm not asking him over for dinner." I shook my head, not even wanting to ponder over this conversation.

Was it always necessary to bring over your boyfriend to a family dinner? I thought that just happened in books and movies. But I suppose I wouldn't know since I was never really in a situation like this.

"Why not?" Mum asked, raising her brows. "He's such a sweet boy, I know, but don't you think your parents should know a little about his background and all before we let him date you?"

I chewed a little slowly on my toast. "Mum, don't be embarrassing."

Helen snickered. "You've got a boyfriend? When did that happen?"

I felt my face heating up.

She held up a finger. "I thought you weren't all over that golden boy, Noah."

"I'm not...of course..." I trailed off and eyed Helen helplessly.

She snickered again, perhaps having pity over me this time. "Mum's right. You should bring him over. I wanna ask him what he sees in you."

I stood up then, picking up my plate. "Did no one ever tell you you're not even a bit funny, Helen?"

"I can play soccer with him!" Mason added and I raised my hands up in the air, exasperated.

Mum laughed and took the plate from me. "Relax. No ones gonna embarrass you over a family dinner."

I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulders. "I'm not asking him over for dinner, Mum. You can do that when Helen or Mason find their significant other."

"Did I just hear you saying significant other?" Helen asked out loud, snorting.

I was out of the house before I could've heard one more word out of their mouths.

Things at college went the usual. Except that I couldn't really stop thinking about the conversation my family and I had been having during breakfast.

It wasn't exactly that I was embarrassed by my family. I wasn't. Besides, there wasn't any flaw in my family that Alas didn't already know of. It was just the whole...formality of it. Awkward. It would be so awkward. And Mum would definitely ask him about his family. I don't think that'd go well.

"You've been sighing for a while now." Nora pointed out. "Fifty-seven times, if I'm counting correctly."

I looked up from my lunch tray and noticed all three of my friends staring at me.

Tara picked up a french fry from Steph's tray and bit onto it. "Yes. I wonder why your lungs are even working anymore."

"What is it?" Steph asked, leaning closer towards me from over the table we were all sitting at.

I opened my mouth to tell them but then thought otherwise.

"Lia," Nora's warning voice made its way to my ears.

"Well, it's not something that bad." I cringed. "It's just...Mum's kind of pestering me to ask Alastair over for dinner."

"Ah, boyfriend problems." Tara shook her head solemnly. "That's why I don't do boyfriends. Only one night stands for me."

Steph seemed to be the only one who wasn't really listening to her. "Like a date?" She asked me.

"A family dinner." I grimaced, looking at her.

Nora burst out laughing. "Well, that's gonna be one hell of a sight. Can I come too?"

"And me?" Tara raised her hand up in the air. "You know how boring my life's becoming these days, don't you, Lia?"

I gave my friends a disappointed look. "I'm not asking him over for dinner. Don't even think about it. He's...busy anyway. I would be too. Um...yeah. No family dinners. God, it'd be so embarrassing. A literal fucking hell."

Nora grinned some more.

"You're just overthinking, Lia." Steph said. "I'm pretty sure it'll be fine. Besides don't you want him to get to know your family and vice versa?"

"I do, it's just..." I licked my lips, thinking.

"Steph's right. It'll go fine. Come on, Lia." Tara waved another french fry in the air. "Unless your mother starts asking whether you both've done the deed or not. Now that, could be real uncomfortable."

Nora broke out laughing once again. Steph joined in too this time.

"I hate you guys." I shook my head.

I walked back home from college even when clouds were gathering up in the sky, seeming like it might rain any given second now.

On my way back I decided to pick up my polaroids before going over to Alastair's. Maybe that way I'd understand the moments he remembered and the ones he didn't. I had after all told him that we'd fix this together. For that, I needed to understand this situation as much as I could. And I wanted to keep that promise.

"Hey, kid. Wanna help me out on this one?"

I was nearly up the porch stairs when I turned around and noticed Dad standing by the treehouse, holding up the broken makeshift ladder as he eyed me.

Oh.

"Sure," I said, even though I would do anything not to stay out here in the open when the sky threatened to rain any moment. "How are you even gonna fix this, Dad? Mason broke this into pieces."

When I was close enough, Dad gestured at me to hold up the untied thick rope. I did, nervously glancing up at the sky.

"You seem in a hurry." He pointed out, frowning a little at the other end of the ladder in his hands.

I shrugged, shouldering my bag. "I'm scared it'll start raining."

"Don't you love when it rains?"

"No, Dad." I visibly shuddered. "It's like awful."

"Well, you're the first." He said, rubbing the back of his neck. "Mason really went for it, huh? I don't understand why he'd break this when he was the one who wanted me to build it in the first place."

"He's fucked up that way."

Dad raised a brow at me and I grimaced. "Sorry."

"I'm not the one telling your mother." He shrugged and walked towards the tree trunk, holding up the rope. I don't know why his words made me smile. Sure, Dad didn't care as much as Mum did when any of us cussed. But still.

"Pass me that other piece?" He called out and I followed him, handing him the piece of rope in my hand.

I watched as he fixed the makeshift ladder, almost relaxing at the silence around us.

"So," Dad started, not really looking at me, "your mother has been talking about this boy."

I groaned and Dad chuckled.

"Mum's acting weird. It's not even that big of a deal." I tried reasoning.

"You should ask him over for dinner then."

I passed him a look but since he had his back towards me, it went ignored.

"I'm not...doing that," I said, fidgeting with my bag straps.

"Why not?"

"Because..." I trailed off, not sure what to say. And when I looked up, the sky seemed darker now. "I'm not ready for that."

Dad shrugged again. "That's all right. No one's asking you to be. I'll try asking your mum to back off."

I stared at him, surprised. Dad never did that. But then again, we never really had conversations like these either.

I frowned.

"And," Dad turned around this time and looked at me. His eyes were much lighter than Mum's dark brown ones. "I guess that's not only why I asked you to help me out with this."

I blinked, confused.

Dad sighed. "Lia, I'm aware of how much these constant arguments between your mother and I bother you. Mase and Helen too."

My eyes widened when I realised where this was going. Dad never talked about this. Mum didn't either. Why was he...why were we talking about this now?

"And I want you to know that I try, kiddo." He gave me a small smile. My heart picked up its pace when I saw how sad it looked. "It's just that there are some things between your mother and I that...I know we need to work on. But we're failing pretty badly."

Kiddo, I repeated in my head. Dad had stopped calling me that so long ago.

"Why can't you...why can't you just talk it out?" Why can't you just stop hating each other? "I mean, I thought you both loved each other. Maybe I was wrong but...I saw you guys. I really thought you loved each other."

Everything that I just said came out a little too pathetically. I nearly grimaced.

When I glanced up at Dad, his eyes held that same loving glint that he used to direct at Mum. I always wondered if I perhaps used to just imagine it. How could two people love each other when they fought with such hatred almost every day and night?

"Some things are just too complicated to be fixed, Lia." He told me and I could feel my heart thudding a little painfully in my chest now. "That doesn't mean we don't love you three. I'm still your Dad. She's still your Mum. We'll always be there for you."

I stared at him and I didn't even care that it had started drizzling.

"You can talk it out." My voice sounded strained. Was I being hopeful? "That always fixes things, Dad."

Dad passed me another one of those sad smiles before beckoning me forward. "Come here."

And when I hugged him, I held onto him so tight. Maybe because I was scared that this might never happen again. It never did before. Dad never hugged me and Dad never called me kiddo anymore. He had stopped holding me like this for a long time now.

"You can...talk it out, Dad," I whispered into his shoulder, my voice breaking a little.

"I'll try, kiddo." He told me. "I will."

We stayed like that for a while, the ladder was long forgotten and the rain too.

We already are, I wanted to tell him. He was talking to me like he used to. We were already fixing things, weren't we? We'll fix the rest too.

"So I thought you despised rain." Dad chuckled again.

I realised only then that I was partially drenched now. "Holy fuck!" I exclaimed and pulled away from him, shielding my head with my hands as fat water droplets pelted my skin.

"Holy fuck, indeed." Dad nodded, picking up the ropes.

I started running towards the house, laughing a little. "I won't tell Mum if you don't!"

******

It was raining heavily by the time I got out of my house again. Thankfully, Mum seemed happy enough to drop me off in her car on her way to the shop.

"What's in the box?" Mum asked me as she pulled out of our driveway and into the rainy streets of our little town.

"Just my polaroids," I told her, clutching the box against me. It wasn't really just my polaroids. I had both of my cassettes and my only Walkman in it too. Everything that I thought might help Alastair out.

"Oh." Mum nodded, too distracted by the road ahead. "Where am I dropping you?"

"Rojo's. I need some hot chocolate to go through this rain."

Mum spared me a glance. "Did you bring an umbrella?"

I didn't. Obviously. And so that's exactly why I had to rush inside the little cafe, holding my breath for my dear life. Or my dear clothes. I honestly don't know why I forgot umbrellas on such occasions.

"Two hot cocoas, please," I told the girl at the counter.

As I waited, gazing at the glass windows and the heavy rain outside, I felt someone stepping behind me.

"Look what the rain dragged in."

I turned around in surprise, only to find Noah staring at me with a narrowed gaze.

"Noah." I felt myself tensing a little when I saw his usual group of friends around him, two of them already at the counter beside me, ordering their drinks. "Hey."

He rolled his eyes. I noticed that he wasn't smiling. "I thought you were one of those pathetic little people who hate when it rains."

"Still am."

"Right. I never took you as one who changed much."

I frowned at him and then behind him when I think I spotted Liam the grocery boy. Tara was right. He did look a little familiar.

"Noah, look--"

He cut me off. "Where's that loverboy of yours?"

"Why can't you just let it go?" I asked him, lowering my voice down to a whisper. "Look, I am sorry for what happened at that party. I'm really sorry I led you on even when that wasn't my intention. I shouldn't have done that. I wasn't in my right mind. And I didn't mean for you to get...punched."

If I could fix things with Helen and my Dad, why couldn't I do the same with Noah? I had to try.

"Right." He barked out a short, humourless laugh. "You think I'm hung over that. Of course, I'm not. You didn't lead me on, Ophelia. I did. And I would've done much much worse if you hadn't been so pathetic and made just kissing a big deal."

I stared at him in surprise, my voice just a barely-there whisper, "What?"

One of his friends sidled up next to him and I grew a little too aware of his gaze raking me whole.

"Ask Jaden." He nudged his head towards his friend. "You're way too open and giving when you're shit drunk."

My heart started racing and I had this tiny, nagging little feeling that I was going to throw up.

His blond-haired friend laughed. "Oh, yeah. Hot too."

Noah laughed along with him as if that was a joke. Except that his laugh sounded just as humourless.

I swallowed and looked Noah in the eye. "I guess I was wrong to apologise then."

"Surely. What else can you even do other than apologising like a moron?" One of the girls from behind Noah stepped in, glaring at me in a way that made my stomach twist. "God, I don't see what you saw in her, Noah."

"Nothing." Noah was staring at me. For one tiny second, I thought I saw regret in his eyes. Fear too. But I guess I was just imagining things. "There was absolutely nothing I saw in her."

I pressed my back against the counter, awfully aware of it, and turned back around, not wanting to face Noah or his friends for one more second.

"No one would either." I heard Noah behind me.

"I mean, just look at her." The girl laughed. She wasn't the only one laughing. I gritted my teeth and told myself not to face them again. Not worth it. Not worth it.

"Ophelia." Someone mocked quietly. "What a pathetic name."

And when their voices drifted away and when they weren't near me anymore, I finally noticed the counter girl passing me the two cups of hot chocolate I had ordered.

"You okay?" She asked me with a sympathetic look.

I smiled at her. I couldn't feel it though. "Yeah." I nodded. "Thanks for the hot chocolate."