CHAPTER THREE

Letters have landed in my hands and left the next evening.

In the span of 8 months since their initial reciprocation of romantic papers— I could still vividly recall just how many letters have been passed between them, because it was also the amount of times I felt as though the world continously crashed around me.

As always, I always mustered a smile. A smile that hid my innermost turmoils, not from myself at least.

I held the carefully sealed piece of parchment into my hand, securing it despite my desire to end all this arrangement. I wanted to burn my letters, throw Erwin's away, and then maybe kill myself after.

But I know that was too farfetched. I wasn't capable of doing any of those options presented— and so, I shoved it down my throat and marched my way towards my sister's place one particular evening with another masked look.

I thought it was cruel.

It was cruel to see how Erwin would only smile at me with the purpose of handing me a love letter. A love letter meant for my older sister who would then only squeal and squeeze me into a hug for the very purpose of receiving a love letter from him. The man I hold the most affections for.

And so, it began like a routine for me. An agonizing one.

Seated on the chair to her desk while she sat on her bed legs crossed, eagerly reading the content of her newly arrived mail.

I tried not to let it get to me.

I kept reminding myself it was only natural. They fit together, they deserve together. I had no place in their love story other than being the messenger who is typically forgotten mid-storytelling.

I wasn't a main character, I knew. For all my life, I have always been perfectly aware of my role as the bystander. In fact, I have played that role flawlessly. Even up until now.

"He is such a romantic!" My sister squealed as she fell back onto her bed, a giggling mess. She then went right back into reading, kicking her feet with an almost permanent smile. She then recited from the paper, "But I long to see you to the point of anguish. My walls have dimmed without the remnants of your fiery light, the warmth I wouldn't mind basking in."

My throat ran dry as I tried to focus on the current letter I was writing.

"He longs to see me!" Marie exclaimed excitedly, bouncing off her seat as she quickly walked towards the table I was working in. "My dearest brother,"

I could not hide my wince, once again reminded of my discovery the other night.

I have never really read any of Erwin's letters, only ever being told snippets of it that Marie decides is crucial to mention— something she would deem essential to include in her response.

"Please, please, please help me formulate a response. Something that shall entice him and strengthen his resolve to see me." She held my hand with her doe pleading eyes. "Tell him I shall wait for him tomorrow night, once the lights are out. Tell him to not be late so we can have our walk along the church."

I swallowed thickly, taken aback. I quickly then withdrew my hand, suddenly feeling as though her touch burned me unpleasantly.

"Tomorrow?" I echoed in surprise, "Is it not too soon? And why the church? Erwin is not a religious man and neither are you." I pointed out.

"Silly," she mused. "The streets around the church are the best locations to have a stroll in, did you not know? The posts are brighter there, the roads better and filled, the pavements flourished."

I hesitated, "Why so soon?"

"Did you not hear what I just read, Dear Brother?" She dramatically fell back with a giggle, "He longs to see me. And who an I to stop him?"

I looked away, focusing my eyes back onto the paper in front of me. I desperately attempted to ignore the stinging sensation.

"Very well." My words felt dry in my mouth, "I'll write it down, I'll tell him personally."

"Thank you!" She hugged me as she always did. From her mere touch, I instantly felt the happiness that radiated off of her. The contagious warmth that radiated from her made Erwin's words more comprehensible.

If she's happy, then I'm happy. I tried to convince myself.

"Tomorrow night, once the lights are out." I repeated, carefully dipping my quill into the ink.

The moment I had handed Erwin and told him about Marie's desire to meet him, I went straight to bed before he could get anything out.

Plainly, I didn't want to hear it.

I sandwiched my head between my pillows as though it will create the same effect in blocking out the noises in my head.

I didn't want to hear just how much he wanted to see her, I didn't want to hear what he had in store upon meeting her, I didn't want to to hear what he wanted to do in her presence.

I didn't want to hear.

I tried to block out the heaviness of my heart upon seeing him get ready for someone else.

He had taken a shower beforehand, even if it was out of schedule. He then chose the best casual clothes he could find in his wardrobe and began combing his hair, all while Nile dozed off early— which I could only imagine was a blessing for him.

Erwin took in a deep breath as he gazed himself in the small mirror, pulling slightly to his collar as though to relieve some imaginary tension.

"How do I look?" He turned around to face me as I was prompted up by the wall of my bed, holding a book that I was secretly stuck in reading the same repeated line due to how the words could barely register—not when this entire situation bugged me.

I looked him over, trying not to think too much.

A button up long sleeves and some dark trousers. He looked fresh. The sight of him out of our uniform and away from typical casual clothes he wore to bed or some time outside. He clearly was putting efforts in his appearance this time, with someone in mind to impress.

I let it sink into me as I nodded with a dry throat.

"She's gonna like it." I mumbled softly, offering my assurance before nimbly shifting my attention back to my book.

"Cologne or no cologne?" He questioned, contemplating hard with a cologne bottle in his hand.

"Maybe just a little."

And then he was off, rubbing cologne on his pulse points, not wanting to overdo it.

"You have a little over 5 minutes until lights-out." I glanced at the watch on my wrist.

He nodded, giving his hair one more brush before sitting on the study table. Reminding me of our position a few months ago, perhaps the last proper interaction we had other than talking during training.

We don't even talk as much as before anymore. I spent lunches with Miche's group now ever since the guilt of making those letters began the first few months, though occasionally I would eat with Nile since he was still a close friend of mine.

But I found it difficult to face Erwin now, not when it feels like I'm intruding in his privacy and intimacy with my sister.

How would he feel if he discovered it was his best friend and not the girl he loved that was writing him sweet genuine words after all?

I would rather die than think about it.

"Will you be awake when I return?" He asked, quite hopefully. I looked up from my book and met his eyes, seeing them look at me for the first time in a while.

Like really look at me as he used to way before all this.

That nostalgia of the tightknit friendship we used to wear.

I was the one to avert my eyes first as they darted back to my book. "I don't know. Maybe?" I offered a lame reply.

I almost crumbled upon sensing his light disappointment, not directed at me but at the prospect of returning in a soundless dorm. I knew him, he didn't like it when it was dark and lonely. It bothers him for some reason.

I felt a little bad. Just a tad bit.

"All right," he nodded in understanding anyways. "Don't stay up too late, you're getting more and more groggy in the mornings." He pointed out, noticing the exhaustion that seems to paint my face every sign of the day.

I waved him off, "Yeah, yeah. Have fun with your date."

He cracked a small grin of amusement before nodding, "You need not to worry, M/n. I know that this entire. . . Thing is uncomfortable for you and I understand that, it's why I feel as though you're avoiding me. And I know it's awkward since it's your sister."

I looked up from my book, the weigh returning as I met his sincere eyes. Eyes that matched my sister's.

It was as though he was trying to gouge a reaction, perhaps reassurance that it's all fine? I'm not quite sure.

And yet, one voice echoed above everything else.

They deserve it, I chanted on repeat.

And who was I to get in the way of their happiness? I— a mere bystander.

"You're my dearest friend, and I. . . I don't like it when we're not as close as before, but still I understand." He quickly assured before continuing, "I just. . . Hate it when I don't have your approval since your opinion does mean a lot to me. So, if you don't like the idea of me seeing your sister, please tell me. Don't endure it at the expense of our friendship. I treasure you, and if something like this gets in the way of it, then know I would sooner drop this situation with your sister before anything else."

My chest swelled in a swarm if emotions. Guilt? Shame? Appreciation? I no longer knew myself.

As I looked into his glossy eyes filled with the utmost sincerity I have ever seen or think capable, I felt like a villain in comparison.

It only confirmed my suspicions of me being the biggest obstacle in this. In the happiness of the people I hold most dear to me.

My eyes softened and my walls crumbled.

"Erwin, you are my dearest friend too." I admitted, slowly closing my book and putting it aside. I sat up in a seated position, for once holding an eye contact that I could feel more connection with.

God, I could crumble before him. Just one look into his eyes and I could come barreling down to a spree of my innermost emotions. I could confess everything right now. Tell him what I truly know.

Tell him that he's right, his connection with my sister does bother me. That I could not bare the idea of seeing him with another. That I would sooner die than hear him proclaim love for someone else.

Tell him that all of my deepest desires could only lead back to him, that all my ambitions in life could only revolve around his very existence.

And yet, my hands fell to my lap and my lips felt sealed. Filtered.

I was a coward, I knew that more than anything else. It's nothing complex that anyone would have a hard time understanding, I was just not brave enough. Simple explanation.

I was not Marie who could speak her mind in flames, whose presence instantly demanded attention. I was not Erwin who was always a natural speaker, a charmer with his own talent with words.

I had no place amongst them. I was a bystander. I was not brave enough to reach for my own story, to finally have my world revolve solely around myself.

"I'm sorry if I made things awkward. You're right, I was a little uncomfortable since it's my older sister. But that's only because I love Marie and want what's best for her. You're a good guy and I kinda realized you were a perfect match along the way, I just didn't know how to handle the idea of my friend and sister together." I managed a chuckle, wondering if I was as honest with myself as I was making it seem.

At least I spoke partly of the truth.

"But it's fine now, you know? I really think you two do deserve each other, and I don't think my opinion on your love life should matter and hold you back from what you want to do since it is you who has to live with the decisions you make." I recalled his own words. "So, you have my blessing."

I flashed him a close-eyed smile, the most genuine I have given in a while.

"Thank you, M/n." He stared at me with a small smile and distant look.

I glanced outside just in time for the brightness to dim, "Lights out." I pointed out, "Go meet the lady, Erwin. Don't keep her waiting."