CHAPTER FOUR

In the end, I couldn't force myself to feel nothing for Erwin Smith.

And so, as a small episode of mine passed— I quickly composed myself as though nothing happened, turning the pages of my book and finally getting past 2 lines at least.

I would read 2 lines and my mind would drift back towards the both of them.

I wondered what they were doing now. I buried my face into my book in a deep frustrated exhale.

I can't do this.

But in the midst of my suffering, a knock sounded from the door, catching my attention as I carefully placed my book on the study before tumbling out of bed.

I hastily opened the door as the knock grew more impatient, I moved in fear of waking our other roommates with the incessant knocking.

Slightly irked, I opened the door ready to confront the only one who could possibly be knocking at this hour.

As I swung open the door, I was greeted by the sight of Erwin who didn't look as neat as he did when he left.

His hair wasn't in place, slightly disheveled which only meant he must have ran his fingers through it multiple times to get such result. His eyes looked deep, as though pulled into thinking, and there seems to be a very small faint frown on his lips.

This immediately confused me with a frown of my own.

"Erwin, what? How did it go—" before I could even complete the questions that immediately occupied me, I felt a strong pair of arms pull me into an embrace.

A strong, firm, and tight embrace. As though I was going to slip off and disappear.

I was confused as hell.

But I let it. Because I felt a ton of emotions from the mere action alone, emotions that I could not identify but still feel.

It felt nice, I realized midway. To pull me in with his arms wrapped securely around me, our bodies closer than they have been before. I felt my heart soar even if it was just for a moment.

"Erwin?" I muttered uncertainly.

I felt and heard a sigh of (what sounds like) relief. And then he pulled away, still holding me by my shoulders with his outstretched arms.

"How did it go. . . ?" I trailed off unsurely, hoping that the warmth didn't reach my cheeks or the light wasn't bright enough to show my skin changing its color.

He breathed, "You have no idea."

It must have went well.

My stomach twisted as I slowly peeled myself off from his hold, taking a few steps back to maintain distance.

It went well. It went well. It went well.

I made a poor attempt to compose myself.

If it went well, then it'll be official. They have a chance for it to bloom into something more.

While it's still early, I should have done something to keep my distance and lose every ounce of affection I felt for Erwin. It was inappropriate and incredibly wrong.

Now I found finally found the word. This love was wrong.

"I, um, have to go to bed. Catch on some sleep." I played off, turning around heading right back to my space.

I could feel his stare digging at my back.

I swallowed to tend to the dryness of throat, trying to ignore everything I felt all at once.

How foolish of me.

I couldn't feel nothing for Erwin Smith; not when I feel so deeply, so desperately.

I even waited the entire night all because I knew he doesn't like coming back where it's dark and silent. Even closed the door so that if I accidentally fell asleep, I would be awoken by his knock.

I buried my head into my pillow, tucking myself in securely where I knew I could hide from his prying eyes that stared in question.

It felt morbid, now that I knew they clicked in that time they were together. Hell, the disheveled hair might not have even been caused by himself.

I forcefully shut my eyes close.

This is wrong.

The next few days, the air around Erwin and I only worsened.

He made some attempts to talk to me, but I just did not feel like conversing with him about things other than about our cadet responsibilities.

I was dead set on losing whatever I felt for him, so that the next time I visit my sister and she tells me all about the night they went out— it would hurt me less.

One afternoon after sparring, I sat by the steps of the cabin that led to the dining hall, panting and catching my breath as sweat dripped from my temple.

I felt someone drop to sit beside me and I saw Nile, in all his glory.

By glory, I obviously mean his physically-revolting haircut. A poorly grown mullet if that's what he was aiming for, but I would say it bordered more into a miserable undercut.

Though I was not one to speak, especially not when I had been his barber for the criminally offensive haircut.

"I'll do it." He suddenly spoke up, hands firmly clenched into fists to display his determination.

I arched a brow up towards him, pushing back my hair, "Do what?"

"I'm gonna confess to Marie."

I almost spat out my internal organs.

"What?!" My eyes widened in absolute shock, wondering just how Nile managed to grow some balls overnight.

"I. . . I've liked her for a while now," his cheeks tinted red as he ducked his head. Uncharacteristically shy. "I know it's weird since like, you're her brother. But we've been exchanging letters for nearly 9 months now and I think I'm prepared to take the risk."

I abruptly stood up, my fatigue long forgotten as I stared down at him, trying to determine if he was joking. But to my utter surprise, he was dead serious.

"You're being serious. . ."

"Look, I know it's weird for you since that's your older sister. But you've gotta help me, Bud!" He shook his head in dramatic despair, reminding me an awful lot about Marie. "I'm serious about her and I've only been holding back because I was planning to join the Scout but that's changed!"

My brows knit together in confusion, "What changed?"

"I'm willing to join the Military Police for her, if that's what it takes. To hell with titans! I want to give her a good and comfortable life within the walls." Nile shoved his face into the palm of his hands. "You must think I'm pathetic, I am. Truly. I'm willing to shove aside our dream for a woman."

I stood awkwardly, unsure if I was even equipped with the suitable words to comfort him.

"What about Erwin? I thought you agreed you would join the same regiment together." I mentioned, still unable to grasp how easily Nile had thrown his dream away. That is if it had been his dream in the first place.

Nile looked guilty but nothing could change his mind. He has already set his mind onto something and he was going to it his all. That's the kind of man he was.

"It's Erwin's decision if he still chooses to join me in the same regiment, but I'm set on not becoming a Scout. I want to marry your sister, M/n. Do you realize how far gone I am already?" He asked helplessly.

I was stunned to silence.

Marie certainly was a lucky woman.

"I want to return to her everyday, safe and sound. While also being able to be physically there to be with her and protect her from any harm that may befall her. I don't want to return to her only as a corpse or a missing body in action, I could never hurt her in such a way." Nile shook his head with his eyes close, as though he couldn't even bare the mere idea.

"Why didn't you say so sooner?"

"Because this is exactly what I wanted to avoid. I knew the moment I saw her, I would want to keep on living. For her. I wanted to stop before it could escalate, but I couldn't help it. I love her, M/n." He confessed, "I tried to keep her from a safe distance but I know now that isn't what I truly want. If I let her go now, I'll spend a lifetime missing her."

I pursed my lips into a thin line. In a way, I did understand him. I respected his decision.

"I can help you." I decided, making him look up at me with hopeful and eager eyes. "But that cannot guarantee that she will choose you. In the end, it is her decision to make whether she wants to be with you or not."

"I'll give it my all." He promised firmly, determined and strong on his resolve.

I could only nod.

From a distance, my eyes naturally darted towards the training grounds where I could still see a certain blonde stand near a dummy. As my eyes reached him, he was already staring right back at me— wiping the sweat off his forehead with his forearm.

I immediately looked away, eyes finding my feet as I frowned, turning my back against his direction while Nile sulked in front of me; too occupied to notice how I lamented on my own set of problems.

If it had only taken that much persuasion for Nile to change his passion, I wondered just how long more for Erwin.

Would he change his mind too? Would he want to settle down and live a quiet life?

I don't care. I repeated in my head until it eventually became a faux reality.

Whatever happens, I will venture the Walls. Away from all this.