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BITTERSWEET
::  xviii. | violent delights

It was like any other day. Vanessa and Miguel were regetting to know each other, Cole was getting ready for a theatre party at Daniel's house. It was a regular day for the Reigns girls.

Vanessa couldn't remember the last time she laughed this hard at some dumb joke that Miguel made up. Each time she visited him, he gives her a reason why she should take him back; why they got together in the first place. But deep down, she was still battling with everything.

Lately, the drug problem got worse at her job and see all those bags, packs — she can't handle it. She would've called jj anytime but she didn't want to bother her with it because of how busy jennifer is and well, she has will. She would talk to Miguel about it but he's behind bars so there's not much he can do.

She was on her own and she didn't know what to do. She was so stuck under water that there was no one to help her up. When she went through this the first time, she had Miguel. It was a two person job and now it's one. She never relapsed but maybe that's just it — she has to relapse to really get better.

But then, what was those fifteen years sober for? Did she just suppress what she really wanted instead of actually dealing with it? She wasn't sure. Those same thoughts kept circulating throughout her mind. Then she thought about Cole, child services. The last thing she wants is someone taking her daughter away and then not seeing her for a while. So with that in mind, she suppressed all those feelings.

Not once did she notice that she did not speak for like maybe two minutes.

"Vanessa, are you ok?"

Her eyes blinked rapidly, "What?"

"You like went into this — I don't know . . black out phase? Are you ok?" Miguel was worried.

Vanessa's hand gripped tighter around the phone, "I'm fine. Just have a lot on my mind." Her grip loosened, "What were we talking about?"

"Cole. We were talking about our daughter." Miguel leaned in closer, holding the phone closer to his mouth. "Did you relapse?" He whispered.

"What? No." Vanessa immediately shot that accusation down.

"You sure? You seem distraught. But hey, if you are thinking about relapsing . . think about Cole." Miguel sighed, "Remember when you were pregnant with her and the decision you made to protect her? Don't you still want to protect her?"

She mumbled, "This isn't about Cole."

Vanessa then got up and walked out. It was quick, the conversation just ended and Miguel was still worried about her. She got in her car and just began driving wherever the road took her.

As she hit the road, Miguel went to the phone and called the FBI. He asked to speak with agent jareau and once she was on the call, he told her about Vanessa. He did it out of love and worry. He figured if he isn't able to help, then maybe Jennifer would be.

• • •

After about a little over an hour driving, Vanessa pulled up in front of a building to park. She looked out the front window and saw where she was. She was at a therapy place, then same one Cole goes too.

She got out the car, locked it and headed into the building. All she wanted right then was to get her thoughts out because they were driving her insane.

As she waited at the front desk for someone, that's when she heard her name called.

"Vanessa?"

She turned in the direction of her name, "Dr. Rhonestone, hi."

"Did you want to speak about Cole?" The doctor wasn't sure of her arrival.

"Actually I was hoping we could talk about me." Vanessa admitted.

"Oh—! Usually we have a scheduled session but I can squeeze you in." The therapist suggested. She quickly realized that Vanessa needed her then and not later.

Vanessa followed her to the her office that was on the third floor. She walked in and sat on the couch while the therapist closed the door. The therapist soon made her way to Vanessa and sat on the chair in front of her.

Her legs crossed over the other as she leaned back into the chair, "What's on your mind Vanessa? I can see your nervous and anxious. Why is that?"

Vanessa deeply sighed, "Everything feels out of place and wrong — like it's not right."

"How do you mean?"

"How can i be a good mom when I'm not facing my demons head on or a good person?" Vanessa continues, "Then there's the butterflies. I haven't had those since I first met my ex husband."

The therapist sat up, "Demons or not, you are a good person and good mom. Not everyone has to have everything figured out."

Vanessa scoffed, "I do. In my life . . I need to have everything figured out. At the end of the day, it's just me and Cole. She's my whole life." She paused for a second before mumbling, "This is about Cole."

Was it really though?

• • •

Jj was at her desk when she got a call from Miguel. Before she could call Vanessa or go see her, the team had gotten a case. She likes and tries her best to separate her personal life from her work life but she just couldn't stop wondering about Vanessa. She didn't realize herself that she was lost in her thoughts — she didn't realize her name was being called over and over.

"Jj. You ok?" Hotch spoke, pulling the agent back in.

Jj immediately nodded, "Yeah. All good."

So the team continued to quickly go over the case before they landed where they were headed.

Jj pushed everything aside and made herself focus because the team needed her and the victims. She couldn't afford for a slip up or mess up, her head needed to be in the game. Getting distracted would just result into mistakes that causes regrets and no one wants that — or resentment for that matter.

a/n:
what's going on
with my girl?